Perspective, Revisited

On Thursday I went in for my 36 week appointment.  I had a month left until my due date and my husband had finally gotten permission to come home in two weeks or so.  Life was working out perfectly.

And then the nurse told me I was very dilated and effaced and to expect the baby any day.

I'm sorry, what?

What to Wear

Today's subject is totally frivolous, yet consumes so much energy:  What to wear when your spouse is coming home?  I really thought that we had covered this here at SpouseBUZZ, but I can't find it in the archives, so there won't be any links to other people's crazy homecoming wardrobe mishaps.

My husband is coming home sometime soon and I was thinking that I should probably figure out what I'm going to wear.  I've never been much of an outfit planner - last deployment, I just grabbed a pair of pants and a t-shirt.  Of course, I had just had a baby, so not much fit, plus I was seriously worried about putting all those kids in something cute.

There are multiple things to consider.  I'm not the kind of person who would wear something over-the-top to homecoming, so that is out.  We've got a four hour drive each way, so comfort is important.  Also, we have about 33 inches of snow at our house.  That should probably be a factor.  No slinky sandals for me!

What kinds of things have you worn to homecomings?  I'd love to hear!

Feather Weight Challenge - Weigh In 3

Today I went out and braved the approaching Snowpocalypse to do my weekly weigh in and to make sure I got in a kick-boxing class before holing up with some movies, a stockpile of cheese, and my latest book of choice. 

But before I get to my weigh in results...

"Dear John"

Today the movie “Dear John” comes out in theaters. I read the book a couple of months ago and had mixed feelings about the ending. As a military spouse, any movie that might involve anything military automatically catches my attention. Nicholas Sparks? Double check. Channing Tatum in a military uniform? Triple check. Although as tempting as the trio was, I didn’t think I would want to see the movie based on the book’s ending but now that I can’t turn on the tv without coming across a commercial for it and hearing,

"Two weeks, that's all it took for me to fall for you.." and "I miss you so much it hurts."  .. quite frankly, I was hooked.

I have to say that out of the all commercials I’ve seen from the movie and the photos on the official Facebook page (yes, I just admitted that) the part that caught my attention was the one of him sitting back, smile on his face, while he holds the letters and reads them. I can’t even begin to count the number of times I’ve pictured my guy doing the same thing. It’s not like I could have said, “Darling, is it possible for you to take a photo of yourself while reading one of the letters I sent?”

So ladies, (going out on a limb here and guessing our fellow male spouses aren’t in line for the first showing ) have you read the book? Without any spoilers being revealed, since I’m sure others might not have read it yet, did you like it? Are you planning on going to see the movie? Have you seen the movie and what did you think? I know I can’t be alone in wanting to see this movie. Well, at least, I hope not.

The Odds Are Going to Improve (For Me, at Least)

Things in the parenting department have been a little slack around here lately.  Over the course of the last year, I've tried to keep up with some regular order and general sense of discipline.  Sometimes it has worked, sometimes it hasn't.  Let's face it - I am seriously outnumbered.  There are four of them, and only one of me, and the one of me has been stretched a little thin.  There have been many days when I've thought, "I don't care what you do as long as it is quiet!"  Best not to say that out loud, though.

Fortunately, we're adding another adult here pretty soon.  We are all super-excited to have Daddy come home, but I am a little concerned about how my kids will react to this shift in power.  We've all heard the stereotype of a military dad coming home and imposing his military order on the household.  I'm guessing that isn't exactly what's happening  at least not all of the time.  It seems more likely that it is a simple math calculation:  twice as many parents means twice as much parenting.  I've got a house full of kids who have grown a lot, taken on new responsibilities, gained some privileges, and gotten away with some stuff that they shouldn't have managed.  They have had more control than they ever had before this deployment.  Adding Dad back into the equation means twice as many chances to get caught doing something wrong, twice as many opportunities to be reminded to do your chores, and twice as many times that someone is going to be checking on you when you are reading under the covers.  The odds are shifting in favor of the grown-ups, and that can't be fun for the kids.

I've talked to my kids about this idea and they act as if they understand.  I have my doubts that they've really internalized what I was saying, or that they'll care when they realize how Dad's return is going to change their world.  Hopefully, there won't be any dramatic explosions or meltdowns (though I'm not particularly optimistic about that) and we can easily transition back into a family where the parents are pretty clearly in charge of stuff.

Yeah, I'll let you know how that plan works out.

Survivor Benefits: Myth-Busting Edition

Have you ever been told by your spouse (or others) that you would be well taken care of if the worst happened?  Most of us have.  I was.  After attending the unit's casualty benefit briefings, I felt more informed and prepared when the worst actually did happen.  The papers that I filed, and forgot about, became a helpful resource in the weeks following our family's loss.  Fast forward to today, I wish that I had been better informed on what actually happens with benefits.  Many things have taken me by surprise over the years.  Mainly, surprise twists concerning benefits that I thought were solid and secure.  Let me share some examples with you.

Health Insurance: I was told that my children and I would receive our health care coverage (Tricare Prime) at no cost.  It was explained that the coverage for me would be in place for life, unless I remarried, at which point only my coverage would drop. My children would receive their benefits until at least the age of 18.  The truth is that only my children would receive the same health care coverage, but on the three year death anniversary, I would receive Tricare standard at no cost.

Dental Insurance: I was told that we would continue to receive dental benefits at no cost for life, with the same remarriage claus as noted previously. The truth is that on the three year death anniversary, we were  dropped and offered a retiree family plan rate.

Have You Been Through Deployment?

Are you a spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, parent or sibling of a servicemember who has been or is currently deployed?  If your answer is yes, then this (portions of it, if not all of it) will likely touch you. 

You are not alone within your experiences or feelings.  And sometimes the best feeling in the world is to know that you are not alone.

The Box I Never Unpack

Most families I've talked to that move frequently have a box or two that never gets unpacked no matter how often or where they move.  We all have a vague idea of what is in that box, but there's no sense of urgency.  We probably won't need it, but we can't get rid of it.  There's a feeling that the box we never unpack is important somehow.

A few days ago I was packing my basement up for remodeling project number 68,742 and I came across that box.  It's pretty beat up by now.  It's falling apart, to be honest.  And since I only had a vague idea of what was in it, I figured I'd go through the never-unpacked box and sort through things.

Guess what I found...

The Predictably Unpredictable Army Strikes Again....

....but there is good news, folks!

My husband has been TDY on many, many occasions throughout our marriage. I wish now that I had kept track of it because I don't know if my guesstimate of 3-4 years is on target. As for non-TDY, more permanent deployment bye-byes, we've had two. One for a year and one for seven months. Both times, we had ample warning. Both times we knew approximately when he was leaving. Both times, the house became cluttered for weeks with gear that would accompany my husband to his destination. On both occasions, I had time to process what was happening, and prepare for it. 

A couple of weeks ago, my husband came home late at night, quickly packed, and was gone the next morning. It was so odd. 

They Ache

This deployment has flown by for me because I've been distracted with my pregnancy.  It's a major event that keeps my mind off missing my husband.  When I do think of him, they've been self-centered or baby-centered thoughts: I wish he were here to feel the baby kick, or fetch me a glass of water, or discuss middle names in person.  I've also tried to come up with some silver linings for why it's better that I've been alone all this time.  And I have contingency plans in case my husband doesn't make it home in time; I've assured him that I am capable of doing this myself and that the baby and I will be fine if he can't make it.

I've tried to be mindful of how he must feel too, to be so far away while his only child is growing and developing.  To miss out on ultrasounds and milestones.  But after I got lukewarm responses to the ultrasound and pictures of my belly that I emailed to him, I figured he's a guy and maybe they don't care about that stuff as much as I would.

But then he wrote me an email one night that broke my heart.  He was lonely and homesick and let down his guard: he said that he longs to be here with me and the baby and that he's "jealous of [my] privilege" to be near her, even when it is uncomfortable.  It was unbelievably touching.

I think it's easy to dismiss our husbands as being "just a guy" who doesn't care about the tender moments.  They may not let on, but I think it probably affects them deeply to be away from us and their children.  I would've never imagined my husband saying that he "aches" to be near his unborn daughter, but he did.

And it made me fall in love with him all over again.

Did You Know?

Tax Tips for Military Personnel
Your Base Military Tax Assistance Center
Pets for Vets
Get in Shape!
Caregiver Access
American Legion Offers Nursing Scholarship

More Updates

Feather Weight Challenge - Weigh In 2

I have issues with what number my weigh ins are.  Number one was really last week, but it was the initial weigh in for a base number.  This week was the first weigh in to actually check progress.  So - Weigh in One, or Weigh in Two?

Anyway - I have to admit, I Snoopy Danced.  Seeing that needle edge down five pounds in one week is enough for celebratory fireworks in my world.

But there was bad news, as well...

Hearts Aren't For Sleeves

I can tell the end of this deployment is in sight.

Aside from the long to-do lists, the bags beneath my eyes, the new white hairs popping up all over my head (note to self:  root touch-up tomorrow night...STAT!), and my constant desire for but inability to sleep, I'm also not explaining myself anymore.

I've kind of decided it isn't anyone's business what's going on with me and, especially if you don't know me, if you have an issue with how my show is running at this point?  Well, too bad.

Who did I tick off?!

Was it St. Barbara?  Or maybe Molly Pitcher?  I'm wondering this as I'm mentally preparing myself for a move this summer (and no, I don't know WHERE we're going yet, just that we ARE going).  I've heard that there are military families that get to stay in one place for 3 years.  I've even heard of so-called "homesteaders" who get to stay in one place for years on end.  But I think that might just be an urban legend.  My family certainly doesn't fit into either of those categories.

Do they make two sided frames?

I heart Etsy.  And I (over)use facebook.  Today the two joined together when Etsy posted a link on their fan page to a vendor selling the first image based off the design of the second image. 

I had always found the original aesthetically pleasing and a nice goal for everyday living.  Truthfully, I think the first time I saw it was on etsy and there are many vendors selling both the original and assorted parodies.

 

The history of the original speaks (to me) how it is so fitting to this military life.  Maybe it is because it is a wartime military life?  Since that is all I know I can't say for sure, but I would guess not. Much like the post Tucker wrote that airforcewife linked to yesterday, there are times when you can just stand back and realize that you are living by the original slogan.  The unexpected (and even the wholly unwanted) can rear up but your reaction to it is not in any way feeding into letting life get the best of you.  But there are times when your limit has been reached or you were caught at the wrong time, when some wire was crossed or cut and the only thing in your bag of tricks is a full fledged freak out. 

Since AWTM mentioned decorating this morning, I couldn't help but think these two prints would go lovely in my kitchen.  I just wonder if there is a two sided frame I can get so it can be switched as needed!

* the images link to the specific items

 

Some of you make it look easy

A couple of ladies here at SpouseBuzz have posted recently about the lack of home decorating skills.  Add me to the list. 

There never seems to be enough money, or time for the house.  My biggest problem is, I am NOT a decorator.  NOT.  I am not creative, I have no idea how to style a home. 

I did happen across this blog, and noted this young woman has some really great and inexpensive ideas.  I really love the monogrammed  stand, and the coffee table redo!  Do you know of any blogs by milspouses on decorating?

Maybe you have attacked a redecorating project on your own site, and would love to share it.

The Amazing Journey

Tucker, of Tucker and Swiss, wrote an incredibly profound look at the changes being a military spouse bring about in a person.

It is a must read for all of us, I think.  

Did You Know?

No Change in TRICARE (North & South Regions) Contractors
Army News Available via iPhone
Free Tutoring for Servicemembers and Families
Online Support for Caregivers
TRICARE Social Media
Free Online TRICARE Courses
Army Extends Fitness Program to Family Members

More Updates 

Coming in Last Place for the Mother of the Year Award

I'm pretty sure that you'll see, tucked in whatever-millionth place on the list of all American mothers this year, my name.   Number whatever million and three - airforcewife.

Thank you very much.

What I Wanted to Say

I recently received my annual letter from the school, informing me that my oldest daughter is absent or late too often.  I sent a polite email to her guidance counselor, agreeing that my daughter is at home far too often, and reminding the counselor of the numerous little reasons that add up to many absences (an injury, and a minor chronic medical issue, and the amazing way that military medical is only available during school hours, and the fact that we have to drive into DC for specialty care.)

After I was done playing nice with the grownups, I vented my frustration on Facebook.  Within minutes, one of my wonderful friends posted the following:

did you write back a note that says, "bite me. i'm juggling 4 kids, a job, a house, animals. my husband is in the military serving in a scary place  AND i have to find a place to live in another country and move away from my family and friends AGAIN. frankly arriving in a timely fashion is low on my priority list and the entire country should praise me for just making sure that they wash and get fed occasionally.

What a world of good that did my battered heart!  It was such a pleasure to read that clip that I read it out loud.  More than once.  And you know what?  I felt better afterwards.

I certainly don't want to turn into the type of person who spews out negative stuff all the time, but there was a certain therapy in reading (and saying) what I sometimes feel.  It is hard work being Miss Happy-Go-Sunshine all the time.  I like her a lot, and I'd hate for her to leave because the other side seems to be Miss Dark-Clouds-of-Misery, but it is still work.

Thank you, friend, for saying what I wanted to say.

Oops, I Got Attached To a Plan

I've been waiting to see if my husband would get permission to come home from Afghanistan for the birth of our baby.  It seems that he has gotten tentative permission and, assuming that he gets official word sometime soon, he told me the potential date range he'd be allowed to come home.

What's the first rule of Army?  Never believe the Army.  Nothing is guaranteed until after it has happened.  Don't get attached to any proposed plans.

I know this.  I know it know it know it.  And yet within ten seconds of hearing that potential date, I got so hooked on that possibility.  Beyond emotionally invested.  I started making mental plans and all my visions of labor started to include him in the delivery room.

I am walking on dangerous ground...but I couldn't help myself.  No amount of logical restraint could keep my heart from getting hooked on that date.

My heart is doing somersaults while my brain is worrying we're headed for disaster.

My heart is winning...gulp.

It's The Little Things

Most of the time, I deal with the absence of a spouse pretty well.  I think.  But occasionally, some odd thing will make the absence feel huge.

Tonight, I went to a kids' school event and walked out with a couple we know fairly well.  They always seem very happy and stable in their marriage even if they aren't the most affectionate people on the planet.  They had arrived in separate cars and were splitting up for the drive home.  We chatted for a few minutes and then said goodbye.  As I began to walk away, I caught it out of the corner of my eye:  a tender exchange, a quick kiss while they thought no one was looking, and obvious happiness that they'd be together again after a short drive home.  It was all I could do to keep the tears on the inside as I walked back to my car. 

Admittedly, I'm a little hormonal right now, and feeling a little crazy as the remaining weeks of this deployment alternately look like hours or more years.  I suddenly realized how much I missed those moments.  I reminded myself that it's almost over, and that I'm lucky to have such a marriage in the first place, and all the usual things that are supposed to cheer me up.  It did work, and I got over it (until now...I'm crying again as I type this...bad hormones.)  I guess this is my reminder to appreciate the little things.

Locate caregiver services and more - for free!

Could you use some help with locating a babysitter, daily childcare, pet care, senior care, tutoring or a house cleaner?  If so, then this service is just for you.  And for military families - it is totally free!

Day 1 - Feather Weight Challenge

I just let someone who is not medical personnel weigh me.  HORRIBLE!  I covered my eyes for most of it.  And nearly cried. 

But there's much more to this story today...

When Retraining is in Order...

When my husband came home from his last deployment, I noticed something that became a minor irritation to me. On those rare occasions when he replaced the toilet tissue, (doesn't it always seem like it runs out on your  watch?) he began placing the roll facing over, instead of under. 

I'm an under girl. Always have been. What can I say, it's how I was raised. I've often wondered about you over people. Don't you find that you're constantly having to re-stack the wad of toilet paper that just continues to roll even after you make your tear? We under people don't have that problem. Clean tear every time. No waste. No re-stacking.

I'm not sure how my husband became an over person while away, but he did. It took several weeks of retraining, but he finally got it and we reunited in the under-world. 

So, I amused myself a couple of days ago when I found that Cottonelle is conducting a Roll Poll. The videos are hysterical. You can even vote, or start a throwdown. Go on over. Vote. Laugh. Throwdown...

I'm deflated to see that my beloved under-world is losing. Badly. 

Heartache!

In Which airforcewife Attacks a Challenge (With Your Help)

I have been ignoring certain signs at my gym for the past few weeks.  You see, these signs are for a competition called "The Feather Weight  Challenge" and while the prizes for most weight lost seem pretty cool, the whole idea of having to get weighed by someone else made me feel... icky.

I don't even want to admit how much I weigh to myself, much less to someone else!  I'd much rather go by pants size, or inches, or ANYTHING but weight.  I have a serious pathological hatred of scales, ever since I went through four pregnancies with very large babies.  The scale is not my friend, it is a treacherous, horrible, and insidious enemy that gets my hopes up one day only to respond to water retention the next. 

But...

I got to thinking earlier this week.  The grand prize is 500$.  I think 500$ would be a good sized donation to give to Soldier's Angels.  The second prize is a plasma tv.  I think a plasma tv would be a great donation for Fisher House.

I would let myself be weighed for Soldier's Angels.  And I think I can work hard enough to make a good showing and possibly win.  But I need your help...

Suicide Prevention Webinar

Suicide in the military community is a topic which senior military leadership, and their spouses, have openly addressed in recent weeks. 

TAPS will be hosting a suicide prevention webinar tomorrow from 12:00 - 1:00 EST tomorrow. Details below:

First Things First: Children

The search for parenting resources is an effort that I have spent many hours on.  The children’s questions started pouring in before the soldiers left our house.  I anticipated my near future.  After the guests had left and it was just the four of us, I formulated a parenting equation in my head.  It looked something like this:

3 boys + Mommy - Daddy + hurt x 18 years = 1 task larger than the Alps 

=  Are you kidding me?!?   

 

This was not my first equation. The months prior to my husband's death,  I had one very similar for combat deployments. 

With my focus on our boys, I dreamed of the answers to their tough questions falling out of the sky and landing in my lap. A favorite one included finding a super-mom and a highly-decorated combat veteran.  Shrink them both and keep them in my pocket.  Surely that combination would have every answer that I needed, right there on the spot.  I know this sounds crazy. I laughed at it then, as I do now.  Back then, for a millisecond, it was both funny and dreamy.  In reality, it never worked out as I had dreamed.  I searched and searched, but never found answers that I felt were top-notch and useful in our day-to-day life.

This is my plea to my survivor gal pals and my milspouse gal pals, and I think it will help all of us. 

Please flood this comment board with examples of what you have done for your children that has helped them at a time when they've missed their parent.  Post anything you have done that has helped your child to cope with their emotions related to life as the child of a warrior. The information that we offer each other might be applicable in both deployment and casualty scenarios. Feel free to post something, even if you feel it would only apply to one specific situation.  It could be useful for others in that same situation.

Deployments and casualties find a common ground in that our children miss their parent who is gone, or away. In both cases we (the parent at home) provide the daily care and immediate guidance for our kids. Our children experience an array of emotions while trying to make sense of a parent fighting in combat, or a parent lost in combat. Long term or short term, our struggles are very similar.

We are each other’s best resource because we’ve lived it first hand. 

Okay, I’ll start.

 

Only one day after learning of his father’s death, my five year old came marching out of his room suited up with all of his play battle gear.

When DH retires

Do you ever daydream about what your house will look like when your spouse finally retires/separates from the military and you stop moving?  I read magazines with lots of great decorating and organizational ideas (and I NEED organization in my house!) and there's lots of great stuff out there.  Then I realize I don't have a house to call my own.  I do my best to make whatever house I live in cozy and comfortable, but I don't buy curtains or anything "super-special" because I know I have to leave it all behind. 

Yeah, Sure

My husband is scheduled to come home next month.  Whooo!  He's been talking about the day that they come home:  travel arrangements, return to work, leave schedules, etc.  For obvious reasons (as in:  it won't stay the same), I tried my hardest to ignore any reference to days or dates, but eventually I had no choice.  We are traveling to meet him at the return and we need hotel reservations.  Plus, I'm one of the ombudsmen and I really need to act like I know what's going on.

So I asked for the estimated date, and put it in my brain.  Then my kids asked if I knew.  I started with a long speech about how dates don't mean anything, and they probably didn't even want to know, but finally I told them the date.  I have mentioned to several people that it seems silly to organize a party when they will never return as planned, though it would be worse to organize nothing.  That was several weeks ago.  The ombudspeoples are planning their stuff, and the people in this house are getting excited.  Only four more weeks!  Only four weeks minus one day!  I'm sure you know the next line in this story.

Today's email was titled:  Homecoming Day Change.  For one brief moment, I envisioned a surprise early return.   (Insert sarcastic chuckling here.)  No, no, of course, not.  We're still weeks out and they're already delayed by several days.  Instead of a convenient weekend afternoon, we're looking at a weekday evening.  I knew it was coming but it still surprised me.  (How is that even possible?)  I'm sure there will be several more schedule adjustments before those boots hit the ground.

It seems that the only sure way to get them home on time is to fail to prepare for it.  Perhaps I should stop shaving my legs, let the house fall apart, and overschedule the kids and myself.  He's sure to come home then, right?