From the Mailbag: Make it Stop!

SpouseBUZZ received an interesting email this week, which reminded me of something we've discussed many times here at SpouseBUZZ. As Sarah says, "One person's weird is another person's normal." Our lives are rarely in sync. At any given time, we're in varying stages of life; just entering military spousedom, no deployment on the horizon, pre-deployment, deployment, post-deployment, approaching service separation, etc. I think we often react to issues based on where we are in our personal lives. Something that bothers me may not bother you. Something that bothers me now may not bother me a year from now.  

Reader M emails:

I was wondering if other wives have the same trouble - well meaning family members who find it necessary to send forwarding chain emails showing soldiers and their families - usually they are "prayer" type emails but always soldiers in various stages of war and/or leaving families with kids/wives crying, and/or families/soldiers grieving for each other etc.  I'm sure you've seen these.  My inbox has been filling up lately and I"m pretty sure that soon the Christmas soldier emails will start arriving. 

I'm wondering if anyone but me HATES these things??  For one, I hardly need to be reminded of the sacrifices our soldiers make - I live it every day with a husband going over seas soon for deployment #2 and with young children at home.  I don't need to see pictures of children holding a flag that presumably just came from their father's coffin.  I don't need to see soldiers kneeling next to the helmet of a dead comrade.   Plus - I can't help but think..these pictures are of someone's child/father/brother/son/husband.  They're not just any old photo. 

Does anyone have suggestions on how to tell your families how insensitive this practice really is????

I'm pretty sure M is not the only one who feels this way..... My advice would be to tell the family politely that you appreciate the sentiment, but you'd rather not see these types of images. We often run into situations where friends and family mean well but really have no idea what we may be experiencing and how words, photos, etc may affect us. 

What's your advice? 

Taking 2010 by Storm: On the Road Again.....

2010 is going to be a busy year for SpouseBUZZ. We'll host a minimum of four SpouseBUZZ LIVE events next year. I say "minimum" because we may add one or two more events to the calendar. 

Today, we can announce that we'll be in Las Vegas on May 1, 2010 for SpouseBUZZ LIVE Nellis Air Force Base. All military spouses are invited. We'll announce more events when dates and locations are locked in, so stay tuned. 

We'd like to thank the companies who make it possible for us to bring these events to military communities across the country. The companies below were Gold or Platinum sponsors for our 2009 tour, and we thank them for their unwavering support of military spouses. Without them, there would be no SpouseBUZZ LIVE.

Military.com

USAA

TRS Institute

Sears

Geico

Wells Fargo

Military Matters

Thanks for a great year!

Holiday Gifts for Troops

Wondering how to support our troops over the holiday season?

Sending holiday gifts

'Hooah Mail'

What could be faster than sending letters via snail mail?  It's coming on 1 December!

Hooah! Postal service to speed up for Soldiers

Would you want your child to serve?

On Veteran's Day I received a sweet note from a friend - she thanked me (back in the day I was in the Army) and my husband for serving, as well as a handful of her other military (or former military) friends.  My friend mentioned that she would be very proud if any of her sons (she has 3) ever joined the military.

Two of the other recipients of this note from my friend did a "reply all" and I was surprised at their reaction to my friend mentioning her sons ever possibly joining the military.

But You're Right Here

I find myself in a frustrating situation this week.  My husband, who is deployed, has come back to the States for some sort of training.  He's here, in this country.  In my deployment warped brain, this means that I should be able to talk to him, email, or generally make contact more easily than when he's far, far away.

Unfortunately, that isn't always true.  Yes, he's here, but he's working.  And he's jet-lagged.  And he may or may not have a decent internet connection.  And he can't call our home phone from his cell phone because the kids would see it on the caller ID and know that he's here.

I'm having a hard time not getting irritated by this.  For goodness sake, you're only four hours away.  I should be able to pick up the phone and talk to you.  Or hop on the computer and find you online.

It is amazing how ones perception gets warped.  I think a lot of it is due to the great communications that we have available to us, both during deployment and in general.  The expectation of communication is so high now.  Remember what life was like before cell phones?  And the internet?  I might not have even known that he was here in the States. 

But I do know.  And I'm cranky.

Did You Know?

Military Spouse Relief Act Becomes Law
USO, Skype Holiday Connection Offer
Yellow Ribbon Highway Honors Active Duty
VA's New Look Website
Job Opportunities for Military Spouses

More Updates 

When I Want It To Be His Fault

It had been two weeks since the last telephone call with my husband, and I was starting to get antsy.  Even though I knew he was fine -- he finally emailed and explained that the phones had been on the fritz -- I just desperately wanted to hear his voice.  I traveled to visit his parents for the week, and we were certain he'd call sometime while I was visiting so he could talk to everyone.  But no call came.

As I was waiting for my plane, I held my phone in my hand.  I just wanted it to ring so badly.  I boarded the 9:30 flight and finally shut off the phone.

When I landed, there was a voicemail from my husband.  Left at 9:28.

And the stupid thing was that I got mad at him over it.

Awwwwwwwww

Can't find it on YouTube, so no way to embed it, but trust me, you'll love it. Click here to see what "it" is.

I Don't Want to Be That Person

I've had a bit of a conundrum this deployment that has me seriously sensitive to my own behavior. 

What it boils down to is this, "To Tell or Not to Tell?" 

Fuzzy Math

Have you ever noticed how fascinated people are with the moving aspect of military life? 

Bet you move a lot?

How many times have you moved?

Do you like moving all the time?

Those questions, or some variation of them, are almost always asked. When I get the question, I usually count with my fingers while saying aloud:

From Ft. Sill to Ft. Benning (one), From Ft. Benning to Ft. Hood (two), From Ft. Hood to Ft. Benning (three) and on and on. When I arrive at the current duty station, I look to see how many fingers (and toes) I have counted and that's the answer I give.

But today I realized that my math skills need some work. Actually, I realized that in second grade, but I digress.....

A Word of Advice

If the personal trainer you are working with (on the gym sign up coupon) asks you, "How do you feel?" a few days after your first workout session...

Don't say, "I wasn't as sore as I thought I'd be!"

You will regret it. 

Learn from my mistakes, people.

Military Family Month

To all military family members - thank you for all that you do, all that you are, all that you give and all that you sacrifice! 

Happy 234th Birthday, Marines!

Today, our Marine Corps is 234 years old.  This past weekend, I was privileged to attend a Birthday Ball with my Marine.  After all these years, I am still affected by the presence of history and fraternity that is part and parcel of a Birthday Ceremony.  From their birth at Tun Tavern to the current Long War, our Marines have a long and storied history.  Bob Parsons of GoDaddy.com has a lovely tribute to the Marines and their history here. 

I'm so proud of my Marine and all our Marines.  It truly is a privilege to be associated with them.  Happy Birthday, Marines!

Did You Know?

'Holiday Mail for Heroes'
High School Musicians to Honor Veterans
2010 Pay Rates Passed
Protection When Moving
TRICARE Flu Immunization Policy
Veterans History Project

More Updates

"It's Home"

LAW explains so well why the shooting at Fort Hood shocks us to the core:

All of us in the milspouse world know at least one person who has been there, is going there, or is there now. It hurts. Being on post is supposed to be safe, it's home, it's where they understand our language, where we can read the uniform and know who that is. It's the known, no matter where we end up in the world, Post/Base, is the same. There's the PX, there's the Commissary, there's HQ, there's the unit, the orderly room, the theatre where you stand for the national anthem, the flagpole where you face when retreat is sounded. Whether it's AFSOUTH, or Belvoir, Bragg or Quantico, it's home. It's not supposed to be dangerous; it's not supposed to be scary.

The Angry Stage of Deployment

I was chatting with a group of women yesterday, and the only other military spouse asked how R&R went.  I replied that I was glad that I had gotten over the angry stage of deployment before my husband came home - that would have been terrible timing.  The civilian women looked confused, and I guess that it might be confusing to them.  To be honest, I hadn't recognized it as a stage until this time.  And maybe I'm the only person who has them (but I'm guessing not.)  The other military spouse knew exactly what I was talking about.

You know the time:  probably at least a few months in, more likely somewhere past the half-way point, where your previously optimistic attitude deserts you and you are just mad.  Mad that military, mad at your spouse, mad at the whole situation.  I think it is normal to have this as a stage.  I don't personally think it is normal to feel this way the whole time, and I'd be seriously looking for some counseling if I felt that way all the time.  (That just can't be healthy.)  Heck, I have been going to counseling since before mt husband left, as preventative medicine, and it seems to be working so far.

I'm not saying that you have to have an angry stage, and I've been curiously considering the other possible stages.  I bet between the SB readers we could teach a whole class on the stages of deployment.

So, what do you think?

A Hero Milspouse

I learned something from a fellow Army wife that made me smile.  Sgt. Kimberly Munley, the off-duty police who stopped the shooter at Fort Hood the other day, is not only a hero...she's a milspouse!

Wondering

Stella wrote a paragraph on her Fifteen Months... blog that needs to be shared with every milspouse.  I know we have all sat and wondered these things, and that many of our questions go unanswered.  I often feel like my husband's deployments contribute immensely to who he is as a person, and yet I know nothing about them.  His day-to-day life is a mystery to me.  I wish I knew the little things: what he eats, how he sleeps, what movie he might've watched.  And yet I know very little about a combined 29 months of his life...

Stella writes:

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder what's happening in that other parallel universe when he's living. Now that I'm wondering this from Germany instead of California like I was last time doesn't seem to make me feel any closer to his world. It's 2:42 am right now, so he must be sleeping but I'm still curious about the smell and temperature of the air he's breathing in. I wonder what might have happened today or what conversations he had that made a part of him grow or change perspectives. There are so many things that I will never know about, so many conversations about the small details of our parallel lives I know will never be recounted. The collective weight of the significance of these many seperately experienced moments wakes me up in the middle of the night.

(Thanks to Post Tenebras Lux for the link.)

Information and Support for Guardsmen and Families

Guard Offers Information via JSS Portal

We Are Family

Yesterday I was reminded of something a friend of mine emailed this morning, "Our military family is often closer than our blood family." I was asked if I would be willing to comment on what military spouses were thinking and feeling while this was unfolding. I wouldn't have had to guess, because I knew exactly what they were thinking and feeling. And doing.

I heard the breaking news yesterday while in my car running errands. We have a SpouseBUZZ author whose family is attached to Ft. Hood. I pulled over and texted airforcewife to please try to make contact with her. She texted back that the SpouseBUZZ gals (and Toad) were already on it. All within ten minutes of the initial report. Meanwhile, I was preparing a list in my head of who we knew at Ft. Hood and how to get in touch with them. 

I cut my errands short and returned home to a flurry of emails, phone calls and text messages. People were passing news along and checking in to let everyone know their status. My last phone call of the evening came at 10:00. From a civilian who just wanted to be sure we were okay, the people we knew were okay and to extend her condolences to the entire Army family. 

What was happening at my home was being repeated at countless military homes worldwide. We needed to know that the people we personally know were safe, all the while worrying about the families we've never met who were less fortunate because, like my friend said, they're our family, too. 

My heart breaks for all of the victims of the Ft. Hood shootings, but I know that our Army family has its strong arms wrapped tightly around them. I love having a huge family. Sometimes we squabble. Sometimes we have spats. We may not want to be BFF, but when we need each other. Really, really need each other, we have a massive Army to lean on. As bad as things may get, I'll always find a measure of comfort in that knowledge. 

Ft. Hood Shooting

Horrible, horrible news.

We held our first SpouseBUZZ LIVE at Ft. Hood, and we have lots of friends stationed there. Way too early to know for sure what has happened and what is going on right now, but one thing we do know -  this is a tragic day for all military families.

Our thoughts and prayers are with our brothers and sisters at Ft. Hood. 

Update: The Killeen Daily Herald's Twitter feed is here. They have reporters on post.

Fit Club - Where airforcewife Wonders What on Earth She's Done

Last week I made a big decision in my fitness journey - I changed my fit-focus.  I'd always like active things - Nikki Fitness was perfect for me.  I didn't have a lot of time, and I seem to have workout ADD - things have to change quickly for me to keep focused. But lately I've hit a plateau and I've found that I truly dread working out.  I make every excuse in the book not to have to work out.  Obviously something needed to change.

Last week I started something new:  boxing. 

It seems to make sense - with Air Force Guy gone I've got a lot of rage I need to let out.  Frustrations, both daily, and... well, you know.  Married People six thousand miles apart for a long time frustrations.  Hitting things sounded like a perfect outlet.  I could hit things AND I could get a workout?  Yay me! 

Almost as soon as I signed up and handed over the check for the gym I started getting scared.

And the guilt is lifting

It has been a while since I have had anything to add to the conversation here at SpouseBuzz. 

I think the last you heard from me, I was living in a state of perpetually broken down appliances.  That pressure has seemed to let up a little for now. (knocking on wood)

I also am working again, which was HUGE.  Finding an employer, that will work with a military family schedule is HUGE.  It seems to help that the gentleman I am working for was former military. 

Year of the Air Force Family

It's the Year of the Air Force Family!    I thought that was pretty cool to see - new initiatives, new light being shone on the things families need to stay healthy and strong (maybe not Army Strong, but we have our own version.  It involves hair spray).  I can't tell you how absolutely wonderful I think it is when the command of any branch of the service takes a good look at the needs of those supporting the service and decides that extra attention needs to be focused in that area - and then decides to dedicate an entire year to doing so! 

It is even more exciting to me when I get to be a part of it, and Air Force Family (mine, that is, not the generic.  Although I'm sure we're not the only ones.) is happy to get involved.

One thing I can tell you right off the bat is that when Air Force Guy left the Army to join the Air Force long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away, I thought I was headed for an era of peaches and cream and mint juleps on a sun shaded porch.  No more long duties!  No more field exercises that seem to get extended every single time! 

In our case, that's not exactly what happened.

Did You Know?

Flu Information and Resources
Holiday Shopping at Exchange
Exchanges Sponsor Holiday Giveaway
Fitness Catalog Available
Free Gowns for Military Brides
'Laptops for Flat Tops' Military Contest
Having Trouble Balancing Finances?
Breast Cancer Awareness Guide

More Updates 

"A Manageable State of Anxiety"

I was talking to a fellow Army Wife last week. Her husband was deployed during the initial push into Iraq. He's back in Iraq now, his third deployment to that country. We were talking about how, for her, the landscape on the homefront has changed to reflect the progress on the ground in Iraq.

Suzie, we'll call her, recalled how nervous and uptight she was in 2003. Communication was extremely limited and, if you'll recall, we were all holding our breaths wondering if chemical or biological weapons would be unleashed on our troops. We talked about living in a perpetual state of anxiety. Suzie said that was an apt description of the first two deployments. Life went on, but the tightening in her gut never relaxed until her husband was home. 

I pointed out that she mentioned the first two deployments. "What about this one?" I asked.

Confessions of a Milspouse, #745

I am notoriously stingy.  I'm the lady who's been known to use a 50% off coupon on a $1.99 item...or drive home without the $1.99 item if I've forgotten the coupon at home.  My husband is stingy too, so we make a good couple.  But there's one thing that I hate spending money on that almost makes me feel like a bad wife at times.

I don't mail my husband care packages while he's deployed.  I don't think postage is a good use of our family's money.

My husband has never complained and always says that he can get anything he needs downrange, and if he can't get it there, he doesn't need it.  But still, when I hear other military spouses talking about sending care packages, I do sometimes feel guilty.

Still, not guilty enough to spend money to mail him snacks and movies.  He gets plenty of both.

I send letters.  Postage for one package is the cost of sending him at least 20 letters.  I'd rather invest in loving words...

Am I the only one who doesn't send care packages?  (Probably.)

A Tale of Two Civilians

Actually, it is really a tale of three civilians, but two of them work together.

Making the Most of Your Money

I really hate to toot my own horn, but I've been persuaded.  For a little over a year now, I've been writing another blog at Military.com called The Paycheck Chronicles.  The Paycheck Chronicles is all about money and much of the content is specific to our military experiences.  I try to include a variety of types of information, from good deals to big questions to interesting articles elsewhere on the web.

One thing lacking at The Paycheck Chronicles:  smart and useful comments like we have here at SpouseBUZZ.  The conversations that occur in the comments here are the best part about SpouseBUZZ (in my humble opinion.)  I've been hoping to build that sort of community at The Paycheck Chronicles but it hasn't happened yet.

Anyway, if you are interested in stretching your paycheck a little further, or learning more about financial issues, or just hearing other thoughts, check it out.  And if you would like to contribute to the learning, that would be great!  I will look forward to seeing my SpouseBUZZ friends at my other home.