I’ve spent four months not writing this post.
Thinking about writing this post, planning to write this post, feeling guilty for not writing this post, but not actually writing it.
Four months ago, my husband came home and I just didn’t know what to tell all of you, yet. All of my prayers had been answered, so why wasn’t I happier?
Part of why this took so long was I did not know what to say. Part of why this took so long was I did not know how to say it.
I did not want to be misunderstood and misinterpreted. So, let me start by saying: I was so grateful that he was home safe and sound. I was relieved. I was excited. My husband is my hero, the love of my life, and the one who completes me.
Our marriage was never in danger, I continued to function, DH continued to function. There was no big crisis, no major problem. I just wasn’t as "happy" as I thought I was "supposed" to be, which put more pressure on me, which added to the unhappiness.
We did not have a "typical" homecoming, but then again, who does?
My husband came home on emergency leave for our 3 month-old baby’s open heart surgery. His unit was still over there for a few more weeks, so he did not get the big welcome in the gym, instead I picked him up at the curb of Killeen’s very small airport. He did not even get the big party at home. Between Lilah’s surgery and his men still in harm’s way for a few more missions, neither of us felt much like celebrating.
Iraq and deployment had not fundamentally changed DH–but leaving, even just a few weeks, before his men hit him very hard. So, he was perhaps a little distant, but he was still patient and loving.
As I think is so often the case, it is not other people who are the problem. I was not having difficulty with my husband, I was having an issue with myself.
Everyone would have understood if I had broken down when he deployed, or when we found out about Lilah’s heart defect, or when he returned to Iraq after R&R, leaving me alone with a colicky baby who might turn blue if she got too upset. But I didn’t.
During the deployment I only cried twice, I was cheerful when I spoke with DH, I was positive when I chatted with friends and family. I maintained communications with everyone, I traveled to New York and Italy while five months’ pregnant, I won volunteer of the year awards for military and civilian organizations. I took Lilah to her appointments, learned how to keep her calm, and kept her away from germs.
It was the stress, I suppose, that had been keeping me together. Then DH returned. Now I had my heart’s desire and I felt like I was coming apart at the seams.
I pushed too hard. I wanted him to get to know Lilah before the surgery and I tried to force three months of a new baby into less than a week. I was emotionally and physically exhausted from worry and from being sole caretaker of a colicky baby for whom crying was a matter of life or death. I was being pulled in too many different directions. I did not leave enough in reserve for him.
The baby’s surgery was successful. I now had everything I wanted–my wonderful husband home safe and sound and my amazing daughter healed–and yet I was feeling worse than I did during the deployment.
To catch up on work, I put in almost full-time hours, while being a full-time mother with no child care.
DH seemed reluctant to become involved with the baby’s care. At the time I was hurt by what I interpreted to be indifference. Now, I believe that he just wasn’t sure where he fit into our well-established and time-tested routines.
So, DH helped around the house instead–but that made me feel guilty that I could not do everything I had done before for us.
I loved him and Lilah with all my heart, but I was not taking pride in my tasks and recognizing the joy in my life. I say recognizing, because there were moments, hours, and even days when I was having fun and taking enjoyment in my precious baby and loving husband. But there was something else preventing me from fully appreciating how lucky and happy I really was.
With time, and lots of patience on DH’s part, my state of mind improved. There wasn’t really a single epiphany and I did not even notice it at first. Rather, the journey was a gradual evolution over the last four months. Along the way, there were a series of blessings that helped me along.
DH’s outstanding platoon sergeant ensured that those final missions went smoothly and by the end of November, all of DH’s men had returned home, bringing with them DH’s missing pieces.
We learned to do things for each other again–small investments of time and effort that truly made the other feel loved. DH likes when the bed is made every day. I like it when DH lights candles and turns off the computers and tells me about his day.
We each learned to live with another person again after so much solitary time.
Gradually, DH found his role in our newly expanded family and I learned to make room for him–during Baby’s walks, bath time, and bedtime.
More importantly, he and Lilah bonded. Now she smiles and giggles when Daddy comes home.
I realized that although he was very helpful, I actually somehow had less time than when I was doing everything myself. Now I needed time for him as well as time for the baby and cooking and housework and my writing.
I reduced the hours I worked, I scaled back on my volunteer efforts, and I eliminated some time wasters from my day.
I don’t know if you can pass lessons along from experiences like these. Everyone is different. Besides, this (redeployment, marriage, life) is not something you can study for, like a test. We all grow at our own pace. If I was writing a note to myself, however, this is what I would say:
Give time a chance. In the end, everything unfolded naturally. In the moment, it seemed as if things needed to be fixed immediately. But trying to force things back to normal too quickly placed more stress on DH and me. Marriage isn’t a broken toilet, flooding everything until you call in the plumber. Marriage is more like a plant, a living creature that needs to be loved and nurtured, yes, but also allowed time to grow in an organic way. To be patient, you need to trust. Trust that even if you do not fix everything that second, your spouse and your marriage will still be there tomorrow.
Let go of excessive pride. Do not hold on to little perceived "wrongs." They don’t keep you warm at night.
Be generous. Do things that you know your spouse likes. Do not expect this to be a one for one exchange at this time. Give, not things but of your time and your love, without expecting anything in return. The account does not need to balance every week or every month or even every year, especially following a deployment. In the end, if you have chosen your partner well, it will balance. I think this is what helped me celebrate again–giving to one you love is not only a more effective marriage-builder, it also feels better.
Make room in your life. Gently invite him in every day in a variety of ways. Even if he does not rush in to fill the room, leave it open and try again tomorrow.
About Molly Pitcher
Comments
I loved this post, I thought it was very well said. So many people just don't understand that sometimes the "coming back" is harder than the "leaving". You have become 2 separate people living 2 separate lives, and even though you want more than anything to put those 2 lives together, it takes time and it's really hard. Good for you for not giving up, and for having faith in your self, your husband and your marriage. It's inspiring.
Best post ever. We need to put the bad out there along with the good when we talk, to let everyone know that we all go thru the same things when our spouses return. My guilt of feeling some of the things you felt when your hubby came home was eased when I found myself in a room full of women whose husbands had done a lot of deployments and knew without me saying all the things I was thinking. It made me feel sane and like I wasn't the only one. We get so used to being alone and doing everything that sometimes when what we say we want which is them home happens we don't know what to do..how to slow down but hearing someone else say what we're thinking and feeling makes us all feel sane!
Thankyou from the bottom of my heart…. You have brought tears to my eyes and reminded me that patience and time, are what some of us need.. I am guilty of trying to hard of pushing to fast of wanting to fix and do everything now.. You have reminded me of how very important it is to wait and be patient.. in the end it will work out..
You said it VERY well. The switch back and forth between the odd in-between of semi-singledom and full out married family isn't seamlessly easy. And it's so easy to feel "let down" when that military "Christmas Morning" comes, they are home, and it's not what you expected.
You give some excellent advice. It should be on our training manual. :)
Thanks for sharing your story with us. I like your note to yourself (and the rest of us). It will be helpful to remember months from now after my husband returns from Iraq.
This was beautifully done. Thank you for writing such a thoughtful piece!
Awesome post! You did an amazing job expressing yourself and I don't think anyone will misunderstand what you are saying. I am glad that all went well in the end. I am sure this post has helped many other spouses. Thanks for sharing this!
I have been doing a lot of reading lately, and this is something I read in a few books about post deployment. But to get it first hand… You are a brave woman to break that stereotype of the big hug as they disembar,, and walk into the sunset (appropriate music swelling..) This is something I am a bit (ok, c'mon, be honest! ) A LOT scared of. Since he has been gone so much, I have done everything back here for 4 years, and those times that he has been home for more than a week, have been stressful. I was happy that he said we should go to the marriage weekend, but we will probably be gone/PCSed by the new dates.
Thank you for sharing it with us and letting us into your discovery of a new stage in your lives.
LAW
appreciate the honesty. my hubby is getting ready for deployment for the first time ever. i am terrified of how things will be when he comes home. we have been married almost 10 years- that should help some. thanks for the advice.
I really like your advice of being generous. I personally think that's the biggest key to marriage.
Thank you for writing this. you have truely hit the nail on the head. My husband came home 6 months ago and i "thoguth" everythign went quite smoothly. Well this week he left for trainign and it was wierd because i caught my self having a feeling of "things are back to normal now" and that is not what i want. But its hard to remember what hte norm is bc their either home and gone or deployed and gone. So having him home all the time i got out of my routine and my "norm" and when he left it went right back to the "norm". I Love having him home and am dreading him leaving again. I just have to remember to work harder on remembering what my Normal is and that is having my husband and hteir father home.
Sometimes it is hard to live up to our own expectations of how things 'should' be. Thank you for a post that shares the emotion so well. Thank you for writing that "Yes, we are not the only ones to feel this way and that it is OK."
So very true! You expressed it all so well. I'm on deployment #3 and I know I will once again find mysef in this situation (though my circumstances will be different). It takes time, work, dedication, trust and faith. God bless your family.
I am glad I am not the only one who feels inadequate when hubby starts doing housework. I always end up feeling guilty that I cannot do more, ie keep the house perfectly clean.
I really loved this post. It is so hard going from a "me" back to a "we". It's learning how to live with someone all over again, but because it's someone you've already lived with, you feel like you should be able to just fall back into it.
I'm so glad that you were able share this with us.
Bravo!
Your sharing here is brave and such an incredible service to all MilSpouses who are/will experience homecomings after long separations.
It is not easy. Being a mom of a colicky baby is VERY hard stuff. You love that little miracle with all your heart, but that crying is extrememly tough to relax around. That stress will wear you out to the core.
I often think things will be different when hubby is home (from a TDY, deployment, or even a long day) – that his presence will make my burdens easier. Well, it isn't always so. I still feel alone and even after 15+ years marriage, he cannot read my mind. I know I need help, but I don't always know how to ask for it. The longer he has been away, the harder it is to include him and be a partner with him. I especially felt guilty asking for help after he returned from a year in Iraq, because I didn't want to burden him.
Your words touch many hearts and souls. You are so not alone in this. I think you are very insightful and generous in sharing this post. As someone said, "Best post ever!"
I will share with you that the very best thing we ever did for our marriage was to go on a vacation without our children. We've only done this once – after he came back from Iraq. Grandma and Grandpa kept the kids and we spent a second honeymoon at a resort in Mexico called the Aventura Spa Palace (adults only!). Our best friends were there the same week as well and we all learned to scuba dive and the only decision you had to make was what bathing suit and sarong to wear. We spent plenty of alone time, but enjoyed our friends company during the scuba training and for many lovely meals. The weather was amazing, the food unbelievable, no children were allowed, so all adult conversation and NO WHINING. Nobody needing you constantly for their sustanance. I had no idea what a relief that would be. I love my kids and love to travel and share with them, but this was the single most beneficial thing we have ever done for "us".
Try a weekend away with your honey. It really helps. I know. I need to do this again!
Again, thank you so much :)
I'm a newlywed and my husband is currently on his 3rd deployment in less than 2 years. This post hit home for me as I've only spent about 60 days with him out of the past year which included me moving all the way across the country to join him, leaving a job I'd had for 10 years and getting married 14 days after we got engaged and 17 days before he left for Iraq. He'll be home in about 8 weeks and I've been using his deployment to get myself "settled" into my new surroundings. After moving and getting a new job I've had to re-routine myself…..I've been worried lately that I've gotten "too" used to life wthout him and that when he gets home, since I had no time to get used to the idea, I won't know how to be a wife.
This post helped me see that there is no clear way to "do" a redeployment- the key is to remain flexible and communicate….things I knew I'd have to be as a milspouse. Time to put it into action!
I guess this is what is the most frustrating thing between men and women. We get grief when we have to leave you, then we have to deal with these emotions that make no sense to us whatsoever when we come home. A mans thinking is that we have to leave because its our duty, our jobs, because we want to protect this nation and our children and wives. When we come home, we think automatically everything should be perfect, back to normal ( if there is such a thing ) and allright. I do not know if men and women will ever figure out this emotional difference between us. It divides the sexes, creates a rift and a void that is unpassable. We indeed are from different planets men and women. However we are not so much different in we need each other ( cept for the gays ) we need our children and we both do all we can for the betterment of our family structure. I will never figure out why my wife is upset when I think things should now be good. However I do think that if she and I work very hard to build a bridge across this gap between us instead of not recognizing the canyon that separates us, only then can we truly be married. We cannot avoid our differences, but we can work together towards our common goals. Maybe then it wont take 4 months to get back to normal.
I can relate to what you wrote about your husband being gone. My husband got back in Mid-November from a year remote in Korea. I thought when he came home it would be like when he came home for R&R. Then we felt like we were dating again. When he came home permanatly it was very difficult. We had made a really neat sign and got to meet him at the gate at the airport. I had changed so much. I had a job I loved working with pre-schoolers going out line dancing with a co-worker and a few groups that were mine. I had kept the household in order for a year and with a teenage boy. I had gotten use to it being me and my son. I actully starting enjoying it like that. Then a month after that we moved to Germany. I was very angry at first at my husband for taking my life so to speak away from me. It is now April 11th and we are finally talking more about when he was gone. Our feelings and such. It really does take time to get use to sharing everything again with your spouse. Thank you so much for writing this. It has so helped me understand that it does take a while to connect up and get use to each other again. Since we have been married (18 years) he has only gone away one other time and that was 7 months so I definitely did not know what to expect. There needs to be a area for peoples experiences with deployments/remotes to help people who are going thru this for the first time. I know it would of helped me when my husband first came home.
Thank you for posting this. My husband has just returned from a second deployment and I've been having a hard time adjusting to him being home. I've been feeling bad because while he was away, all I could do was think about how happy I would be once he returned and how my life had felt like it was put on hold since he left. I spent a lot of time concentrating on school and paying attention to our dog, and didn't expect to feel so out of sorts upon his return, but I immediately found myself feeling like something was wrong after he came home. It's good to know that I'm not the only person who has been feeling this way- it's hard to explain to people that you love your husband so much, but thatyou feel anxious once he's home. I know I'll start feeling more comfortable about him being back home eventually, but that I can't push for it. Thank you for the post.