One of the most common questions I have been asked during this never-ending deployment is, "How do you DO the single parent thing?" That is often followed up with "I could never do that" or "I don't know how you do it". In the beginning, I didn't think I could do it. Sometimes I still don't. But it gets done. We're heading into month 15 and the kids are alive and I'm not in jail.
So, how do you do it? I can't give you fool-proof ideas but I can share with you what worked for us.
A lot of this depends on how old your kids are, where you're
stationed/living during the deployment, etc. My kids are 6 and 3 and we
live in Hawaii. The first thing I did was to start talking to them
about the deployment a few months out. I explained to them that Daddy
was going to have to go to Iraq (we looked Iraq up on a map and checked
out age-appropriate books on Iraq from the library to help them
understand WHERE he was going) for "several months". They were young
enough at that point to not really have a firm concept of time and
saying "a year" seemed overwhelming - to them and to me.
Once we got past that initial shock, I enlisted the kids in helping me
come up with an "adventure list". We combed through the tourist books
and came up with adventures - big and small - to keep us occupied
throughout the year. The smaller ones - beach trips and park outings -
we planned for the weekends when his absence would be felt the most.
The bigger ones - water park trips, hops to other islands, museum visits, botanical
garden adventures, and special events in town - we saved for school breaks and holidays. They gave
us things to look forward to and helped to break up the monotony.
Basically we became tourists in our own neighborhood.
As a parent, I came to rely heavily on routine. I function better - and
so do my kids - if they know what to expect. We almost crave it.
Bedtimes are set. Rules are set (the big ones). Activities are set
(within reason). It helped us to feel as though we were in control of a
situation that was so much bigger than us.
With regard to rules, I
discovered an "If/Then Chart" that I now use that covers the 10 most
basic infractions and the consequences of those infractions. It's
predictable. The kids were able to see the logic behind the
consequences and that helped them to feel as though they were a part of
the decision-making process of the house. And it took the pressure off
of ME to be the sole disciplinarian in the house 24 hours a day, 7 days
a week. In fact, once got the chart (you can Google "If/Then Chart") we
wrote to my husband and asked him if he had any suggestions on
consequences for the different infractions. He appreciated being
included and it helped to remind the kids that, even though Daddy is
gone, he is STILL a part of this family and its' functions.
We also made sure to have FUN. Once or twice a month, we do "Movie
Night". We haul out the pillows and blankets, pop up some popcorn, bust
out the M&Ms, and pop in a movie (thank goodness for Netflix!). The
kids love cuddling, eating junk food, and watching a movie they've not
seen before (their favorite so far is "Sound of Music"). I love the
fact that I get to spend some quality time with my kids and forget
about the fact that I'm the only adult in the house. We do breakfast
for dinner at least once a month (more if I'm not up to cooking!). We
go out for ice cream a heckuva lot more than we do when Daddy's home.
We do what we can to make the best out of the fact that it's just the 3
of us for now. And we take LOTS of pictures to send to Daddy.
As a parent, I would encourage anyone dealing with a deployment to find
a reliable child-care option. Whether it's the neighbor, a teenager
from a family in town or at church, a local day care center, or the
Child Development Center on post...USE IT. I'm not advocating pawning
your child off on anyone and everyone all the time but I know so many
women who feel guilt over the thought of day care or a babysitter. Time
for yourself - time to run errands on your own or grab a bite to eat on
your own or hit the gym, read a book, or even clean the house ON YOUR
OWN - is vital to maintaining sanity. I have found that my relationship
with my children is better when I have time for myself. There is less
pressure. Less stress. I feel more focused. They seem to listen better
and work better with me. And they enjoy it. I wouldn't take them
somewhere they didn't enjoy being and my kids (being the opinionated
and mouthy things that they are) will tell me if they don't like
something. It gives all of us a few moments to recharge. Which gives ME
the ability to focus properly on THEM when I am with them. I am a better parent when we all have a little time apart. The saying, "Familiarity breeds contempt" can be seen in action in my house when my husband is gone for extended periods of time. I have a feeling it is this way for many families.
Life as a "kind of" single parent is a balance. It's a balance between
you and the kids. It's a balance between sanity and insanity. It's like
walking a tightrope above an alligator-infested pit carrying a flaming
bucket of snakes. Well, it can be for me on certain days. Take it day
by day and do your best to have some fun. My goal during this
deployment was to be able to look back on this year and smile. Smile
because we made it but also because my kids and I had some fun together
and strengthened our bond. I'd say we've done well. I hope this helps a
bit.
