Flying to Ft. Bragg was out of the question. I had a boatload of stuff to bring with me. The usual luggage and laptop bags, but also boxes of raffle prizes, literature and other stuff. I couldn't exactly drive my car, either. It's teeny-tiny, which always makes PCSing fun (but that's another story). So, I rented a car. Only it wasn't a car at all. It was soooo much more than a car.
After doing the usual paperwork, the keys were handed to me and I proceeded to find my vehicle, which was parked in spot #22. When I got to #22, I almost fainted. Surely there was a mistake. I walked around the monstrosity and then tried the keys. Yep, they worked.
I was given a brand new Buick Enclave.
I could fit two of my cars inside this beast. I was terrified to back out of the parking space, afraid that I may scrape another car even though it was 40 feet away. I might as well have been driving an 18-wheeler.
As I made my way down the highway, I was trying to figure out the bells and whistles when suddenly, out of nowhere, a voice appeared and caused me to jump out of my skin.
Hello, this is Brenda from OnStar, what is your emergency?
I looked in the rearview mirror expecting to see Brenda sitting in the backseat.
Oh, um, er....Brenda, there is no emergency. This is a rental car and I must have pushed the wrong button.
Oh, that's okay. Just know that we're here for you if you need us.
Well, thank you, Brenda.
Brenda was so nice. I snorted and began to relax.
Wow, this is just like the commercials.
Not sure if Brenda was still on the line or not, but I cackled hysterically.
It didn't take me long to get used to my Enclave. I felt like I was king of the road, laughing at the little cars as I passed them. Hey, this isn't so bad after all, I thought. Remember all of those balloons that were at SpouseBUZZ LIVE? It only took one trip to fit them into the Enclave, something that would have taken five trips in my tin can.
On the way home from Fayetteville, the weather had turned cold and nasty. I was flying down the road trying to make it home before the ice hit. The Enclave had XM Satellite Radio. What didn't it have? There was probably a full-service kitchen in there somewhere, too. Complete with chef. I just didn't have time to find it. I love disco music.
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So, I listened to the 80's on channel 8 and I boogie-oogie-oggied the entire seven hours. When I was about an hour away from home, the Enclave flashed a message on the dashboard, "Warning: Possible ice ahead, drive with caution." Unbelievable. I've never seen anything like this. I considered pushing the OnStar button again, just to talk to Brenda.
Hey, Brenda. It's me, Andi. Remember? We talked the other day. Hey, just wanted to tell you that this Buick Enclave is one sweet machine. First, I get to talk to you anytime I want just by pressing a button. Isn't that awesome? Next, this thing has built-in satellite radio so I can listen to disco music, or the news or anything else. Oh, but I have to say that the hip hop channel has lyrics that mad even me blush...and I like Hip Hop music. In fact, there's not much music I don't like.
Anyway, I just felt like chatting and wanted to tell someone how happy I am with this rental. I couldn't reach anyone on the cell phone and I thought, "why bother anyway, I have Brenda." Did you know that I managed to get 64 balloons in here? No, really. I did. Hey, can you answer a question? Do all Enclaves come with OnStar, or is this one special? I was thinking.... I do a lot of traveling and if I had an Enclave, we could talk all the time. How fun would that be? I'm sure you just sit around waiting for people who lock their kids in the car to call. Oh, speaking of, has airforcewife ever called you? Just curious. Anyway, your day is just spent waiting on calls and when you get them, they only take two seconds to deal with (like when people push the wrong button). For the most part, I bet you just sit there and file your fingernails and stuff. Probably pretty boring. It's boring just driving down the road, too so we should become chatting partners. What do you think?
Brenda?
Hellooooo....
You There?
Brenda?
Anyone have $45,000 I can borrow? I want a Buick Enclave, but only if Brenda comes with it. In fact, if I get one, we could use it at the next SpouseBUZZ LIVE for all sorts of things. Maybe we could set the world record for number of military spouses crammed into an Enclave. We could also raffle off Enclave packages. The winners would receive a free ride in the Enclave and maybe we could let them touch the onstar button and speak with Brenda. She's really nice. Well, that's assuming she answers.
I'm having a hard time getting in touch with Brenda now. I received a very strange message regarding a restraining order and something about stalking and abusing emergency services. Not sure what that's all about. Probably a big ole misunderstanding. Well, if you'll excuse me now, I have to go tend to that matter...
