An interesting thing happened to me this week. A news producer acquaintance of mine asked me to share some ideas with him about what might make a great home front story. There are thousands of those to be found so that wasn’t the challenge, the challenge came when he suggested it tie in with the fifth anniversary of the invasion of Iraq. And no, that wasn’t the interesting part. The interesting part was that after three days of deliberation, I had no ideas whatsoever.
None.
And I couldn’t figure out why, until I sat down to write this post. That’s when I realized the story had been right under my nose all along, and I hadn’t even realized it.
As I told my friend, I think the media, understandably, focuses on anniversaries, but I don’t think military spouses are as consumed with the date on the calendar. Of course there are anniversaries and dates that have deep meaning for us. We remember and reflect upon 9/11 each year, for obvious reasons. And I’m not diminishing the significance of the anniversary of Operation Iraqi Freedom, either. Not at all. But, aside from the obvious reflection and stroll down memory lane that may occur in your household, in this climate, is March 20 much different than any other date?
While the upcoming anniversary might give reason for many to pause a little longer and think about the war more than they would on most dates, we live the reality of their reflections each and every day. We have a spouse who is home, or one who is deployed or one who will deploy again. No matter what, our spouses are serving their nation in a time of war, and we’re supporting them.
It’s taken me three days of thinking and an hour of writing to work my way through why I was having such trouble with this request. A date marking a very important historical event can’t be used as a method of taking our pulse and determining how our lives are impacted by war. At best, it would be a brief snapshot from a very long feature film. If you took our pulse the day before, or the day after, would it be substantially different? Yes, each day brings different joys and challenges, ups and downs, peaks and valleys, but overall, in the big picture, aren’t things pretty much the same for us on March 1 and July 15 and November 23 and yes, even March 20? Our strength and our pride and how we manage our families and fill voids when our loved one is away, all while holding our heads high, is something to be proud of.
And that’s not to say that my friend isn’t. He most certainly is. He’s a kind man with a deep respect for the military. I understand his request. Appreciate it, even. I get it. I understand the desire to focus on military families on certain dates. In fact, I’d be the first to grumble if, on that date, the airways were filled with news of Britney Spears and there was no mention of the significance of March 20.
But here’s the thing – Each and every day I interact with military spouses, including all of you. Your strength and character is always on full display. It is evident, whether it’s meant to be or not. Usually, it’s not meant to be evident. It just is. I’ve met countless wives who were supporting their husbands after their bodies had been broken and burned and mangled. I’ve watched them spend months, even years, by their husband’s side. Feeding him, bathing him, clothing him. Although I’ll never truly know what they were going through inside, outwardly they were towers of strength. Because they had to be. More importantly, they wanted to be. They chose to be.
I vividly remember making my Sew Much Comfort rounds one afternoon. During those rounds, I bumped into the actor Dennis Farina in the hallway. He was visiting the troops, which was wonderful. One of the soldiers I was seeing had been in the bathroom when Farina popped in. A bathroom visit for someone with newly amputated legs can be tricky, and can last a while. I waited in the hallway until the nurse and he were out of the bathroom. When he was out, I told him Farina had popped in and asked him if he’d like me to wheel him down to meet the actor. He looked up at me from his wheelchair and said, "no." Then he paused, and said, "you can go meet him if you want too, though." I realized that he thought I might rather meet a celebrity than sit with him. I looked at him and said, "no thanks." And I thought to myself, "I’m right where I want to be. In the presence of a true hero." And I meant it.
Dennis Farina’s work, talent and big heart notwithstanding, is about memorizing lines and looking good on television. The work of the Specialist I was with is learning to live without legs. Learning to walk again with prosthetics, and so much more. His story, and stories like his, are compelling. His story is full of drama and pain and frustration and overcoming obstacles and rising to challenges and, yes, heroism. His wife faces her own set of challenges, too.
There are thousands of stories that would take years to tell, but which merit being told,and no matter how many spots about military families will air on each anniversary of OIF, none will ever give the viewer a true sense of how our spouses — and their spouses — live and serve. Every day, not just on March 20. And that, I believe, is the story.
Our friend, Tanya Biank just published a column about the upcoming anniversary. She closes with this:
How do you mark an anniversary not of the celebration variety? With reverence for the fallen and prayers for peace and stability. And one more — hope for a better day.
Couldn’t agree more. But then again, I believe that’s something most military families do each and every day.
So, I’ll leave you with a question. What would make a good homefront story on March 20? In other words, what would you have suggested to my friend?
About Andi
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ya know… there isn't just ONE story, any more than there is just ONE kind of MilSpouse or family member.. Have him come here to SpouseBuzz. pick a few, or a dozen, or 50 of the stories, the heartbreaking cries for help we see on here, the angry outbursts, the tears of sorrow and happiness.. Yeah, have him come here. every day is something different.
LAW
I remember what I was doing that day, even though I wasn't with DH then. I was at the Spaghetti Factory, having a cocktail to celebrate that I had completed my last final and finished my Bachelor's. There on the TV screen in the bar was news coverage about the invasion and bombings. It was definitely a "Lord, help us" time.
I entered the war as a civilian, and now I'm an Army Wife. I think for many civilians it's easy to forget what's going on outside our comfort zone, as the battle isn't here in our backyard. I remember thinking during my grade school history classes, "how could a war possibly go on for that many years!" But now here we are, five years later. It's become a part of our every day lives, and even more so of ours as spouses. It's a fact of our existence. We don't cope, persay, we just live day by day, knowing that deployment is inevitable and anything is possible. I can only imagine how it must be to be a civilian living in Iraq or Afghanistan, any of the areas where the battle is being fought. I believe they truly must know what five years feels like, versus my own experience with it.
Andi, you've been doing this a lot longer than I have, so I'm sure your ideas were very inciteful. I don't think I would commemorate the five year factor, necessarily, but rather continue to focus on the efforts of those on the homefront. Profile the organizations working to improve the quality of life for our troops, those that boost morale, etc. Profile those wounded in OIF and what life is like upon returning. Profile families working to connect and unite families, to better our daily lives as we support our service persons. Possibly make connections between WWII's service on the homefront and today's. Help civilians connect with how they can help the effort.
Just some simple ideas, but I don't know what else there IS to do. As spouses we just keep supporting, loving, and living.
I can say that speaking from a civilians view point I don't know that they can do a homefront story that would capture everything. Reading through Spousebuzz has been an eye-opener for me. It was really all the homefront story that I needed. So thank you and I hope your friend decides to read through it for some ideas.
mark
I remember where I was, too. I showed up to work at NAVCENT in Bahrain that morning and was told it had started during the night. Thanks to the work I was doing there, I had a visceral response to the realization that we were at war, and yet 3/20 passes by each year with nary a thought from me. The best I can muster, if someone or something reminds me, is a sense of amazement that we've been at it this long.
I'm too busy looking at what's coming, strategizing my life and worrying over details that are seriously messing with my mojo. I'm too occupied with the current and future effects of this war on my life to reminisce about how it all began.
Andi, your thoughts were mine exactly, though. Why is 3/20 any different for us than any other day? The anniversary of this war doesn't really change anything.
I think dates mean something different to military families. Because if you give a specific date too much importance it is that much harder when you have to go through it alone. A wedding anniversary date is just another day, but when your spouse gets back, that is the day to celebrate your life together. It is like the special dates become fluid for us. The birthday cakes, the Christmas mornings – they can be on any day of our choosing. It is the people that make them special.
I don't have any suggestions but am just remembering that that Stretch was over then and I was just trying to decipher the news to figure out where he might be. I overdosed on news the next month or more and have mostly avoided TV news since.
I can say that speaking from a civilians view point I don’t know that they can do a homefront story that would capture everything. Reading through Spousebuzz has been an eye-opener for me. It was really all the homefront story that I needed. So thank you and I hope your friend decides to read through it for some ideas.
mark
My husband is a billion times more clever than I am. I just read this post to him and asked his opinion. He said, "People may get choked up on Veterans Day or Memorial Day, but what they do on a random day, say Aug 5th, is a better indicator of what they really think about Veterans. Only thinking about Iraq on 3/20 is like being a Christmas and Easter Christian." Well said, darling husband.
Wow. Thought provoking. My husband was there. He'd been there since the previous Fall – preparing and planning.
His life and the life of all the soldiers in the 3d Infantry Division changed that day – that is the day they crossed the border into Iraq, starting a new war.
I just asked hubby and he, too couldn't tell me anything "special" about that date. VERY interesting that you brought this up. After I told him, he said, "Oh, yeah."
Just wow.
So, until you mentioned it, neither of us could have told you the significance of March 20th.
April 7th – that day I remember for many reasons (two of our soldiers were DUST1 ~ Duty Status, Whereabouts Unknown), a missle hit a command post and all hell broke out in our FRG telephone chains, then a statue came down in Baghdad. Now THAT was a day to remember.
Thank you for this site – I wlll write my spouse "battle buddies" a note on March 20th!
Most of us tend to remember the days when wars END, not necessarily when they begin. And Sarah's husband is right, it's what people do on any random day that gives you a better inkling to what and how they feel about veterans.
And I agree, coming here to SpouseBuzz and reading the stories (and the comments) will give people more of an insight into every day military life than just about anything else.
Andi…Sunday's "The Fayetteville Observer" is doing this"
"After five years, the war in Iraq has touched countless lives. Beginning today, and through the anniversary of the war March 20, we tell the stories of people in our community affected by the continuing conflict."
Followed by a story of a milspouse who has witnessed the war on the streets of Philadelphia her whole life. Escaped the life of Philly when her husband joined the Army. She is now a teacher in Fayetteville trying to raise a child through a different war.
I look forward to reading the series of stories about everyday regular people.
Just thought I would share.
Plc- I think your comment is a great depiction of how spouses separate those "special" dates from civilians. My husband is 12 months into his first deployment (with only 3 months left!) and I've really learned this year how unimportant traditional holidays are in the greater sense. His R&R fell in December but didn't include Christmas and people constantly told me how sad that was and my response was always "Who cares- He'll be home for 2 1/2 whole weeks! It's just nice to be with him at all" Christmas day came and went and life moves on. I think it's important for people to understand that the real "holidays" for us is any quality time with our soldier.
Jen, beautifully said. I couldn't agree more!
I was a journalism major in college and one of the best stories I ever did was about a woman who drew charcoal pictures of all PA soldiers who had died while serving in Operation Iraqi Freedom. She knew every single one of their stories. It was pretty amazing. I ended up interviewing the family of the soldier who was one of the first PA soldiers to die in Operation Iraqi Freedom. I think of him and his family around this time of year and of the artist for helping people remember those who have fallen.