I was reading an article this morning on the success of reintegration, reunion, and the transition of Military families.
How does one measure "sucess in reintegration?"
I guess you need to ask a family who feels like they have successfully reintegrated, and compare them to the folks that feel as though they are still having problems.
I am not sure where our family lies on this continuim…
Some days I feel as though we are still struggling, even years later. DH has been home for over 3 years now.
But, I am not sure if we can legitimately point our fingers at one cause at a chink in or marriage armor.
Some families may be quick to point fingers at frequent deployments, and separate life experiences.
I seriously think if you take all of the events that we call "living", and you take the puzzle apart, well it is more.
Military families are more than poster children of war and deployments. We are civilians too. We have illness, death, financial issues, children, and day to day issues.
Many families like to blame the inability to remain as a cohesive unit on separations, and although I admit being separated really does make it harder on military families, I think it makes us shining stars. I know a lot of wives and husbands who feel stronger because of fighting the good fight at home. Because it does take a can do spirit.
I have used this analogy before, so forgive me if you are tired of it. I heard an interview with an astronaut that had actually been up on a space shuttle mission once. He said his experience was surreal, seeing the Earth amongst space, was something he could not put into words, there was nothing he could compare it to. That experience made him feel as though only those counterparts that were with him on this particular mission would understand. And I am not trying to make ones experience in war comparable to seeing the Earth as a blue marble floating in space, I think that moment of this is surreal, might be the only thing I can come up with to compare war to. I am unsure, if ones war experience can ever be understood by anyone unless they have been in the fight. This accounts for those bonds that are made during wartime, and would explain how the brotherhood is formed.
I will note that when I look around at those around me, one of common threads of success in reintegration are, the ability to compartmentalize, and communication.
compartmentalize
The Oxford Pocket Dictionary of Current English | Date: 2008
com·part·men·tal·ize / k?m?pärt?mentl??z/ – v. [tr.] divide into sections or categories: he had the ability to compartmentalize his life. DERIVATIVES: com·part·men·tal·ism / -?iz?m/ n.com·part·men·tal·i·za·tion / k?m?pärt?mentl-??z?sh?n/ n.
Some folks are Masters at it,, and have the incredible ability to take the puzzle apart, and look at the pieces and identify issues as "just pieces" in a puzzle. I will admit to having trouble with this, I have to remind myself to compartmentalize daily.
There is an adage, about how some folks see forests, and others see trees. I tend to be the big picture type. I see the forest. DH has learned to compartmentalize, he sees trees. There is good and bad in this. If I have a tree on fire, I naturally assume, the forest is going to burn up. While DH spends days on one tree. It tends to balance out in the end, even if our methods are not the same, we cancel each other out.
I spoke with someone the other day, and they have just returned from war. The marriage is going through a trying time. Reintegration is not for the faint at heart. It is hard work, indeed. And I think those of us who have made it out successfully would like to tell those who are having difficulty, to "keep fighting for your family". It is worth in the end. It is not easy, to regain an intimate sense of trust, and understanding with someone who has not been emotionally there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. But I dare say it is possible.
Compartmentalizing, and communication seem to be the key for us. There is no way to look at the forest, because frankly there is always a rotting tree, or a fire that needs to be put out. And that is where the hard work begins.
There are a lot of sources available to military families right now. I would urge you to exhaust every one of them, before calling it quits.
So a reminder to use those resources around you.
A Chaplain
I would ask that our readers here at SpouseBuzz, if they would please share any reintegration success stories here, advice, or other resource information that might help others.
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Interesting analogy, that of the forest and the trees. And you're right that we don't bulldoze the whole forest if one tree rots; similarly, we should try hard not to scrap the marriage at the first sign of trouble. Tending a garden, or forest, takes lots of work…
When my husband returned last time, the chaplain's briefing included this piece of advice: Start your sentences with "I feel…" You can't negate a sentence that starts that way; you have to listen to how the other person feels. It seemed to work for us, both seriously and also at times to add humor to frustrating situations. We would say stuff like "I feeeeeel like you are an idiot." And then it would diffuse the sitation and we'd laugh.
We still use the "I feel" trick years later, to say how we feel. The chaplain was right; what you *feel* can't be right or wrong, and you can sometimes use that phrase to reveal things you might not normally reveal. I know I have said "I feel like you are just nodding in agreement instead of really listening to what I am saying," and somehow that "I feel" softens the accusation and allows my husband to clarify that he's not doing that, or to realize that he is and to apologize.
Anyway, it works for us. I wonder if the chaplain from our old post knows that he got to us that day :)
Our reintegration was a success, but I also accepted half the responsibility for its success or failure ahead of time and chose to be proactive with it. That's not to say it wasn't tough at times because it was and when the "honeymoon period" ended, it ended. Abruptly.
I had extreme guilt for, basically, living while he was gone. I went to visit friends, did fun things, etc. That weighed heavy on me and there was one weekend I found myself in a crying binge in the middle of the sidewalk out of town visiting with friends. My husband was in a war-zone, had just lost his gear when their hooch was hit by rocket fire and I was there, heading back to the Hilton after having a wonderful surf & turf dinner followed by cocktails (bad, bad move on my part) at a piano bar where we had been the mascot of the emcee and drinks flowed freely for everyone in my party while belting out show tunes. What a selfish, selfish person I was. I lost it. My friends held me close and reminded me it was 1. okay to live and 2. it didn't mean I loved my husband less or didn't care about him. They were right and when my hangover subsided, I realized it.
About a month before he was to come home, I had a bad day and realized that my anxiety was overrunning me and if I couldn't get myself in check, how in the world would I be able to help him with whatever could come of his deployment. I called Tricare, went online to find a counselor and sought help. Hands down the best thing I ever did. I got a grip. It certainly couldn't prepare me for everything, but it gave me enough of a ground that I went into it prepared for the worst and hoping for the best. I got middle-ground and was pleased as punch. That's just me, though, and it's how I approach many situations.
The chaplain who spoke at our debriefing spoke words that still ring in my ears three years later, "Never play the 'who has it worse' game." There are no winners and each is dealing with his/her own issues in his/her surroundings and the situations are relative to that.
Our marriage was pretty strong going into it so I think that helped us survive the rocky periods. There were times that we both uttered the big "D" word, but then were sorry we ever brought it up. The "I feel…" Sarah mentioned above is a great tool and it's one I still use, too.
OneSource is a great resource. My only caution is if you get a referral to a counselor thru them, they are supposed to have some training on the military and its culture. Make sure the one you go to has had that training if they are not otherwise experienced with working with military families. We managed to find one that had slipped thru the cracks and had no clue. Not very helpful.
counseling. Hands down, the best thing I did. I got someone who listened, but was also willing to tell me that I needed to "get a grip" on MY feelings. I was living a half life, everything geared to deployment/care packages/supporting the other wives/bad FRG… and I built up a turtle shell that was becoming impervious to anything I was feeling. This was a National Guard counselor, he was former military and had worked with us and those like us for years. It helped. and he helped me figure out how to approach any problems.
Those of the SB family who have met DH know he's a pretty calm guy, but his temper was a little shorter when he got back, and I remembered how the counselor told me to approach that, and it worked. I also remembered that the counselor told me that we needed to find that comfort in each other's actual presence again, that had been gone for 22 months.
We've been married for almost 31 years, we've said the D word more than a few times, but actually NOT during deployment or reintegration… and I'm hoping that will hold true for the next few Predeployment months and the next year. But it's work. and I'm looking NOW for a counselor I'll be comfortable with.
And I'll be here a lot, and hoping for my online counselors/friends to give me a good kick in the butt when I need it, and a comforting word as well. Part of reintegration was for him to realize how much this online community had come to mean – I'm not sure he's entirely comfortable with it, or my blog for that matter. Part of my reintegration was to try to be physically present, not just Keyboard Present.
LAW