I was chatting with a group of women yesterday, and the only other military spouse asked how R&R went. I replied that I was glad that I had gotten over the angry stage of deployment before my husband came home – that would have been terrible timing. The civilian women looked confused, and I guess that it might be confusing to them. To be honest, I hadn’t recognized it as a stage until this time. And maybe I’m the only person who has them (but I’m guessing not.) The other military spouse knew exactly what I was talking about.
You know the time: probably at least a few months in, more likely somewhere past the half-way point, where your previously optimistic attitude deserts you and you are just mad. Mad that military, mad at your spouse, mad at the whole situation. I think it is normal to have this as a stage. I don’t personally think it is normal to feel this way the whole time, and I’d be seriously looking for some counseling if I felt that way all the time. (That just can’t be healthy.) Heck, I have been going to counseling since before mt husband left, as preventative medicine, and it seems to be working so far.
I’m not saying that you have to have an angry stage, and I’ve been curiously considering the other possible stages. I bet between the SB readers we could teach a whole class on the stages of deployment.
So, what do you think?
About She of the Sea
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I definitely have an angry stage. He's coming home before it usually starts this time, so we'll see how things change since we've not had R&R before.
Even now though, three deployments in, they've all been a bit different in terms of my reactions and coping mechanisms. Snowflakes.
I think most of my time was in the angry stage last deployment. The kids were small, always sick, and I was trying to work, balance the chores, etc. all without a really good support system.
This time, I had my angry stage BEFORE deployment even began which was horrendous, but cleaned out the angry bin.
I'm sure once the adoption swings into high gear again, I'll be feeling something less than warm & fuzzy toward my spouse. But, I'm hoping I can get through the remaining months (we're around 1/2 way done) without reaching a point of no return.
I'm in a little bit of an angry phase right now…I should say a preemptive angry stage. We are waiting to see if my husband will get permission to come home for the birth of our baby, and I am already mad at the Army for not letting him, even though we have no idea what the outcome will be. But I am expecting the worst and already grumpy about it…
I think I go through at least four different stages per day.
1. the confident stage – when I think, "I can do this." (ok honestly, I'm lucky to get this one in everyday)
2. the miss him stage – usually at night after the kids go to bed.
3. the angry stage – I hit this one about twice a day now. Angry at the army, at my situation, at our kids (we have three crazies under 3), at myself.
This is our first deployment and it's been HELL (no exaggerating). I hope the next one is better.
glad to hear you experience all these stages a day, I do the same and think I'm crazy for it.
We're 2 weeks into his first deployment and I'm going crazy.
I think crazy is to be expected and allowable for the first 2+ months. Even if you have your head on straight your body and subconscious go cuckoo with all the stress youv'e been burying. It definitely got better about the 3 month mark. I say this within reason of course you have to keep taking care of the kids, paying the bills, sending encouragement to your deployed loved one — but the house, the plants, washing the car, all that….it's okay to let loose on that pressure for a while. I learned quickly to keep outside commitments to a bare minimum, hide out at home when I felt like it, etc. You can always get new plants & clean the house later. Take care of you and all other living creatures in the home & deployed first, everything else is second priority. I find you'll have days when you go crazy and want nothing more than to clean the entire house.
I am glad to see that this is at least somewhat normal. I have been angry for a week or so (about halfway through deployment) and don't want to see him on leave. I don't want to have anything to do with him right now. So, I am now encouraged that this is a phase and I will get past it. aahhh..
I, too, had my angry stage before the deployment started (hopefully I won't get this stage again). Mostly I have been going through the "Fat Kid Phase" – that is the phase where you just want to hide under the bed and eat chocolate and comfort foods all day…
That and the "Workaholic Phase" – making the deployment go faster by working 13+hours a day.
I usually have more than one angry stage. I get them before deployments and somewhere where yours came in.
I definitely agree with Aussie in the "Fat Kid" stage. That's the best stage! Trying to lose the weight after it, not so much.
I think, like a few of you, I go through any number of stages in one 24 hour period. It did seem to be worse immediately pre-deployment, and much better since, although not gone. I am trying the "workaholic" stage, as it was actually recommended by another wife. I have managed, so far, to only have brief forays into anger. I was in the Wonder Woman – I can do anything stage, but I'm sliding down the slope into the World as I've Known It Is Ending stage again … hopefully it will be a short visit there!
I am in the calm right between the angry stage (middle of deployment) and the eat my feelings/shop away my pain stage. Good thing the holidays are coming…"pass me the pie" and "I think I have a coupon for that". Ohh boy someone better hide my credit card and the chocolate!
I'm so glad that I'm not alone! And I'm right, we could write a whole series on this subject :) Tonight, I'm in the "won't someone come over and have a glass of wine with me" stage…
Funny… I was just composing a blog post on this type of subject… the stages I have gone through during this deployment. And there are many. I definitely had an angry stage.
I take much comfort in not being a "unique" milspouse. Knowing that what I am going through, so many others are too.
It's nice to know that I'm not alone…
-Andrea
Oh yeah the Angry Stage..takes me a few months to work through that one. Oh and the Woe is Me Stage..which is commonly followed by the I Can Fix Anything WTF Do I need a Husband Stage. Which is also closely followed by the Oh Sh*t I Should've Called a Professional stage.
I think the hardest fall though is the Wonder Woman stage…that's the worst.
I have lived in the angry stage a few times. And I am a constant visitor to Fat Kid land. My go to treat is doughnuts…quite comforting, but makes some of my pants uncomfortable! Right now I am in the Just Get Through It stage, where I have to keep busier than normal–luckily with the holidays upon us it isn't too difficult.
Okay I just went through all of the stages during my dh deployment,he is back,and I have a question for the ladies who've been through the redeployment phase,I'm so happy,he's so distant,,is it me?Honestly, I put all my energy into the deployment,and now I am just plain out exhausted and confused!It's like he has forgot who I am in his life,is this a stage?
for me, angry stage hits immediatly after he tells me he's being deployed again. it lasts about 2-3 weeks. i think i get so angry because he's done so many deployments. 3 to iraq (2 were a year, one was 15 months), 1 to korea (a year), he isnt even home from korea yet and he just told me he's going to have to do afganistan next for another year. i just get fed up running the show by myself. i didnt have 3 kids because i wanted to raise them by myself. i'm tired of putting things like my college education on hold in a 'always waiting for him to come home' holding pattern.
i'm 30, i finally enrolled at our local community college for the january semester. its finally dawned on me that if i wait to start my education until he's 'home at last' it will never happen.
dont really have a 'super woman' phase but after the 'angry' phase i pretty much stay in 'survival' mode until he gets back.
and yes, bring on the chocolate!
Lorraine – I would try not to be worried, at least not for a while. Reintegration (or redeployment) is hard. If you click on the Reintegration button on the right, there are lots of posts about the stresses of coming home. I hope it helps and we'll be rooting for you!
I'm in currently in the "woe is me" stage, which was preceded by the overwhelmed state. I've also experienced the get into a routine / I guess this is it stage, in which I was just kinda numb, going through the motions of work, followed quickly by long periods on the couch. The angry stage came before he left, when my husband rightly said I was just picking fights with him because it was easier than thinking about how much I was going to miss him.
I heard one military spouse refer to deployments as mini-deaths (so NOT what I wanted to think about two months before I went through my first one with my husband, lol). But she was right (of course she also had 13 years as a spouse to gain said rightness), as there are many stages to deployments, just as there are many for death.
With my husband's first, I went through the Woe is me phase, the I hate the AF phase, the I can do anything and everything myself phase, the I can't do this alone phase, the OMG he could die stage (I stopped watching the news at this point, CNN is NOT good on the nerves, lol), and finally I hit the getting by day by day and just waiting for him to be home with me stage.
I hit the angry stage way early this time, as in when they told him he may be deploying less than a year after he got home (actually it would be about 8 months after…. an important fact when he got me pregnant his first day home). I hit the roof on that one, and just recently came back down (after he found out there was a guy in his shop that would volunteer to go if they tried to make my husband… Bless him!).
Ah, Kids!!!! Many of you are complaining because your left with KIDS!!!! The solution, don't have so many!!! We have no children ( I have heart disease and cannot have a baby), when my husband leaves for a year for his first deployment I am going to focus on getting my photography business started, and with the extra money he will make we will pay off our debit, cars, and save for adopting a child. So I don't have any reason to be angry or mad like any of you. It does not mean I don't love or care about my husband, I just understand its his job and their are more bennefits for us. But he's not leaving me with any extra work either. If anything I'll have a lot less than I do now.
What are you mad about really? I mean come on. My husband will be leaving for his first deployment ever, he's been in USMC for 10 yrs, we are BOTH excited for him to go. Actually if they cancel it I will be upset. If you have a life and it does not revolve around your husband 24/7 then you should not be upset. I mean come on, you knew when you married him that he would have to go sometime. Get over it, and do things for yourself. You had a life before he left and you'll have one when he gets back. If you focus on YOU then you won't be mad, you'll understand its just a part of the job. What are all you women so mad about anyway?
:) I'm glad you are an optimist. Also glad that your husband made it 10 years in the Marine Corps without a deployment. I wish you the best with maintaining your optimism because "been there, done that" multiple times, and, honey, it ain't a bed of roses! Best of luck to both you and your Marine from a former Marine, career woman, wife of 26 years to a Marine (now retired after 28 years and multiple deployments) and mother of 3 who has been through all the stages these ladies are describing.
I work, am active duty in the military myself, and have a newborn. I totally get his job made him deployed. But it still pisses me off. Not totally him, more like the situation. Sometimes I am ticked I have to take care of all of his crap as well as my own…and our new baby that he says sometimes he "doesn't think is real" because he's only seen him in person for 10 days. After 40+ straight days of less then 4 hours a sleep at night, etc, it can't help but be a little irritating to know that the husband is sitting in another country, sleeping 8 hours, and having someone cook all his meals for him. I love him and don't blame him for getting deployed, but yeah—sometimes it does still piss me off.
Look dumb ass, seeing as your husband somehow managed to dodge the deployment bullet for 10 years, how do you feel you have any right to ask us why we're mad? I'm sick of waking up without my husband next to me. I'm sick of maintaining the house and all the finances and being looked at like a gold digging whore when I have to use the power of attorney he gave me at the bank. My life does revolve around my husband! I'm pissed! And shove off!
Come on dawn, show some sensitivity. Especially when you're speaking of things you don't even know about yet. Also, realize that people are just venting and being realistic about things they feel as a result of situations they have NO control over. It's also hard to have a life of your own if you're PCSing all the time or recently PCSed. It takes time to rebuild, especially for someone who is not as outgoing as you apparently are.
You are very fortunate that your husband is only now deploying after 10 years! I wish you the best in your adoption journey. I can see how it would be difficult for someone who wants kids but can't have them to be upset with others conplaining about their kids. Know that we love them very much, but sometimes they make us want to pull out hair out. Having hubby home to vent to or help out can make all the difference in sanity.
My husband has been in the AF for 6 1/2 years and has not yet deployed. He has ALMOST deployed 3 or 4 times. It keeps falling through even though he WANTS to go. When we find out he's not going I feel a little relieved, but mostly guilty because I'm disappointed that now I don't get to take that extended trip to see family and friends. (I make plans. That's how I cope with deployment…or I think it will help me cope! LOL) I also get angry at the AF for putting him through the "distancing himself from us" phase.
Just because we know and expect our lives will be topsey turvey because of the military doesn't suddenly make us emotionally impervious to those changes!
Peace, Jassica
First when you marry the Military everyone should know what to expect. It's not EASY. Getting mad doesn't help the spouse,the family or anyone else. So be active, volunteer, have a close knit of friends and try to keep a positive attitude. I did that during my husbands 13 months tours to Viet Nam. Had no family in the area, five small children but I survived with good neighbors,church and volunteering. Take my word you will find time for the anger after it is all done an over with. I know I feel it till this day at times, we just have to adjust and keep a positive attitude.
My husband found out 5 months ago that he will be deploying in March initally he was very excited me on the other hand not so much. We have three boys all under the age of 13 and I am not happy about the thought of having to raise them for a year on my own. True indeed I knew this was part of the bargain in marrying a military man however when his number is called it does not make it any easier to deal with. I think sometimes they forget that they are not the only ones impacted with their leaving…my husband quite effectively began detaching himself from our family situation which he said is a necessary coping mechinism for him and something i've learned from the family briefings he must do in order to keep himself safe. Now i understand this on some level but not when he found out eight months before the actual deployment is scheduled. Angry is not even a suffcient word to discribe what I was feeling our marriage began to uncoil fast he was completely insensitive to my feelings and I could not tolerate that at all. So I did what any good spouse would do I immediately contacted military one source and set up marital counseling…I am happy to report it has helped immensely. Right now I believe that I am in the wonder woman stage reassuring everyone including him that everything will be ok my mantra is don't worry i'll handle it no matter what the problem I just hope I don't fall to hard from the thing …whatever you want to call it that i've put in place. Until today reading the posts of all of you other spouses I felt so alone, thank you for being there and sharing your stories because I have no one else who understands. I honestly felt as if I am going crazy because underneath of the wonder woman facade I am really very scared of how I am going to get through this upcoming year.
When my husband deployed the first time, my mother provided almost no sympathy reminding me that I should have known what I was getting into when I married him. I had no idea. However, I have found it to be helpful to connect with others who can relate (as you have all done). If you are near a military installation, the Family Service agency usually offers a group called "Hearts Apart" that can provide you with resources, support, activities, and often free child care. For those of you in the Washington DC area, we have a number of opportunities available to you!
I must admit I have hit the angry stage many times. My husband has been in for around 6 years now. He has spent 45 months in Iraq and just got orders to Germany for 2 years. I know I should be excited, however, my career is keeping me stateside. I cannot go with him, and the 2 most stressful years of my life (my internship and first year of residency) are going to be spent apart from him. I have, thus far, managed to not be angry around him. It's easy to do when he's stationed in one time zone and I'm in another because of schooling. We both signed onto this knowing it was going to be hard, but I did not anticipate how difficult things were going to be. Angry state, I'm familiar with it, and I agree that workaholic stage is probably the best. It's the only way I sleep at night is if I collapse into bed at the end of everyday, although it makes the 0400 phone calls a bit rough…
Gosh Dawn, it's easy to tell you are new to deployment. When you see every post but yours saying there are stages..please hon do yourself a favor and believe us. We know our husbands are military men. We have jobs and kids and friends and families that occupy our time. But nothing takes the place of our men. We love them. We miss them. Sometimes even ache for them. We are proud of them. But there are times when reason doesn't factor in. Your heart feels what it feels. Please do not be so quick to dismiss everyone's feelings when you have not yet gone through a long deployment yet. I truly hope that you are surrounded by supportive people when he leaves. The first time my hubby left for his first long deployment..I went home and went back to bed and cried myself to sleep. Next day I went to the wives' meeting and met the best group of women I'd ever met. We helped each other through a deployment that was fully twice as long as we were originally told it would be. But we made it through together.
Good luck to you Dawn..and to She of the Sea -It is just like the stages of grief..because it is indeed a loss. *virtual hug* Good luck to you too!!
There are 7 "recognized" emotional stages of deployment:
Anticipation of Loss (denial, anger, fighting – try not to fight it could injure your relationship while spouse is deployed – you'll regret it)
Detachment & Withdrawal (despair, out of control, withdraw into self)
Emotional Disorganization (overwhelmed, trouble sleeping)
Recovery & Stabilization (You finally are "back to normal" and rockin' and rollin')
Anticipation of Homecoming (excitement – some anxiety)
Renegotiation of Marriage Contract (Establishing a New Normal – You have both changed, don't expect life to be exactly like it was before – work at it together)
Having gone through a half-dozen or so deployments (Navy & USMC) – Once you recognize that these stages are normal and work to shorten them.
Also, by recognizing the cycle, you can develop your own coping and self-soothing skills for that particular emotional stage.
Some deployments are easier than others, but they are never really "easy" (civilians don't get it). But like anything else you can develop compensation skills. As the Marines say: Adapt & Overcome!
Rhonda, THANK YOU for putting a name to my stage. Makes it so much easier to know that Recovery & Stabilization are coming right after this Emotional Disorganization phase and Detachment & Withdrawal. I seriously do feel totally detached (not from family but from my normal routine) and disorganized. LOL. Knowing this is a huge comfort because I'm very used to the constant separation for a couple of months at a time but a year feels like an eternity right now and I have not adjusted as quickly as I usually do on shorter separations.
I was so appreciative to hear from other mil spouses that pre-deployment is super stressful and that things calm down once they are gone. It was a big comfort knowing that it would chill out once the deployment was actually happening and we weren't just anticipating that goodbye and the loss every minute of every day. I would've freaked out completely and thought our relationship was over if I hadn't been taught that and done my homework about what to expect. LOL. And thank goodness it was true!
The one thing I didn't anticipate was that even though I felt right in the head and thought I was energetic and happy, my body would go a little haywire from the stress too…getting sick, not sleeping, not wanting to eat or only wanting to eat, getting run down, etc. I know I'll get through this and I'm sure glad there are more experienced guides on this trail to advice me and share their wisdom.
One thing that always helps me that I've heard many times is that while we are praying for our military loved ones who are in harms way their number one prayer is for their families back home, that WE will be okay. That always softens & lifts my heart when I start feeling down.
First of all…I'm on my 8th deployment…as a wife. 12th if you include my brothers that I was POA and POC for. So yeah, I've been here, and done ALL of this, a few times over.
Now DAWN…YOU need to get over yourself. You have yet to know of anything we are talking about. Until you have had this experience (and you are d@mn lucky you haven't had to yet) you have no room to talk to us that way. Everyone copes with things differently. After 8 of them, yes, I have learned to adjust quicker each time. But I still have a hard time sometimes. Us having our own lives and knowing what we signed up for really have nothing to do with these stages of feelings. Especially after you bury a close friend…you realize it could have very well been your husband. When you do that, come talk to us about being "excited" that he's gone.
As for all of these stages…I think I have several of them too. I also went through the "Angry" stage before he left, then again right before half way. He just left to go back from R&R, so we'll see if I hit it again or not. But I especially LOVE the one dubbed the "Fat Kid" stage…LOL. Can't say I like the "Oh crap I have to lose this weight now" stage that follows it though…hehe. But it sure helps on a cold and lonely winter night.
I can say this, though. These are all just stages…therefore all will pass. And all are NORMAL to go through. Not everyone goes through them in the same order or for the same length of time. And remember that redeployment has its own set of stages, as well.
Dawn — During our first deployment, I was in your shoes. No kids, no extra chores. We saved money and paid off our car too.
During the second deployment, I was pregnant and our baby died.
During the third deployment, I was pregnant again and our baby almost died.
I hope this deployment does go as smoothly for you as you anticipate. But keep us posted on how the NEXT one goes, after you've adopted that child, or while you're in the middle of adopting and having to do it all alone. That one might not be so easy…
Kate,
I think anger is just a normal emotion, and we all go through it from time to time. ESPECIALLY during deployments. Sometimes, when the road is bumpy, and your best friend in the Wolrd is not there, to cheer you on, or pick you up, or give you a hug…well….
It seems as though you learn a couple of things. #1 most folks learn how awesome they really are.
Military wives have guts.
Being angry because you miss your best friend, that seems pretty normal.
If it were easy everyone would do it!
Write in a journal about everything — all the good and all the bad. Start when you feel your emotions react to the news of the deployment. Keep on all the way through, even in the reintegration stage. Do not worry about your writing being pretty, grammatically correct, or even making sense. Blurt out everything just the way you feel it. Illustrate if you like. This is for you and you alone. This is not an email w/ feedback from others exercise. Look back at what you've read and see how you've made it through the goods and the bads. You can do it, even if you are waiting in a grocery line, on a break from work, holding a fussy baby, or putting together a meal. My journals were usually spiral notebooks and easy to carry around. Often, I didn't write more than a few lines about something, and for some reason, got a lot of satisfaction out of extravagant exclamation points!!!!:-)
My spouse served over 25 years in a highly-deployable job. There was a special needs child, family usually far away, and the typical aggravations to put up with. Vent when you need to, congratulate yourself when you need to, and write those reminders of it all, just for you.
Journaling is a great idea! I started my deployment journal a few weeks after I heard my love would be deployed. It has been a great place to blurt out all the stuff I don't need to be saying out loud to anyone, especially to man. I have always written in a journal throughout my life and it has been the best therapy and source of help for me to work out my own problems of anything else in my life.
My hubby leaves in Jan. for the 1st deployment we've gone through in 13 years of marriage. We've never been separated more than 3 months. I am not looking forward to this at all.
Wow! I wish I could have found this a couple years ago… I've seen at least one other National Guard wife shown, but most seem to be active duty spouses. It's even worse with NG wives — we're nowhere near any military installation, surrounded by civilians who are so proud of hubby's service (while wifey is feeling miserable, scared, and really-REALLY mad at the NG overall — to be explained below). I did NOT marry a military man. We married in college, AFTER he left the NG completely. I then went on active duty! We lived a short tour in Germany, where I served as a platoon leader. I got out early after delivering our first born and realizing the military was not something I wanted to retire from.
That being said, I spent many nights thinking of what I'd do, how I'd have to prepare for deployment — MY deployment. I never EVER dreamed of being the one left behind — EVER. My husband got a bug in his ear at age 44 to rejoin the NG (he actually had gastric bypass surgery several years before, and lost over 1/2 of his total body weight; really, technically overweight)– overweight, out of shape to say the least, with 2 disqualifying health issues — the gastric bypass and being legally blind in his shooting eye (and a "We are sorry to inform you …" physical disqualification letter received 30 days AFTER he deployed — for a 3rd, unrelated reason!).
He told me a couple of days before his first drill in May that he'd be gone for the weekend. He next had 2 weeks AT starting in late July. He returned in early August, 3 days early from AT, telling me that 3 of 10 soldiers sent home early would deploy to Iraq. He could easily pick out the 3 others from his group that would surely be the ones chosen. We found out on Aug 24th that he was to deploy on Sep 1st — 1 week notice. Neither of us thought he would actually deploy until this moment — me knowing of his 2 DISQUALIFYING medical conditions, and he thinking "I'll never get to go:(" On a side note, during the next 2 weeks, he took our family to the NG headquarters to have military dependent ID cards made. The 5 of us sat there for about a half-hour (not bad actually) and I just watched him and the kids. It hit me when we were leaving the building that I now was the proud owner of a military dependent ID card — the dependent of a PFC! My old ID card, kept from the IRR days, was for a CPT. I NEVER saw this train wreck coming… All this in the middle of a well-established, mid-career, mid-child rearing, NON-military family situation.
Now I was M-A-D as hell! (Not about the PFC dependent, but about the health issues.) He was in NO physical condition to deploy as an 11B – plain old Joe infantryman. Now after all the old deployment thinking I'd done in the past, I knew as well as any yet-to-be-initiated/deployed soldier what he was NOT in shape to do.
I went through most of the phases you have been through, but never had the chance to really adjust to them. I continued my full-time, primary bread winner employment. I did have supportive family around, plus 2 driving teenagers who could help me out with the youngest (6 year-old), but I could never get over the fear of what could happen to my husband — without even worrying about the bullets, RPG rounds, and mortars that were occasionally sent his way.
I THINK that if he were to deploy again, I MIGHT handle it better the 2nd time, but it appears I may not have to. His 3-year tour is up next May, and his unit has deployed a 2nd time a few months ago. Maybe the NG has finally realized that he's not in very good shape (and, yes, he is worse for the wear — chronic back pains from carrying the 80-ish lbs of infantry gear for 8 months), and is leaving him behind this time. I will also admit that I'm not too sympathetic to his last 4-day drill, sleeping on the cold, hard ground with flu-like symptoms already coming on, and the Dr. saying "You're OK, here's your annual flu shot." 2 days after he returned, he had the absolute worst case of the flu I've ever seen. I guess there is a little cosmic justice after all; "be careful what you wish for…"
Anyway, I hope someone out there finds this somewhat useful. There are actually lots of not-so-normal circumstances in deployments today. I know I didn't have the healthiest attitude toward my husband's deployment, but it was not very "normal". Unfortunately, I know of several of his unit buddies who also did not fare too well, in that they are now divorced, and have issues with alcohol. War isn't pretty, and it is definitely hell on the homefront. It's even worse for all the National Guard families who live through deployment after deployment. Most NG guys going in for a 3-year tour get 2 deployments. I'm really surpised to hear about 6-10 year enlistments before ever being deployed on active duty.
Believe it or not, after all this, I'm still NOT anti-military. My 18-year old son has enlisted in the AF. He leaves for Basic in a few weeks. I'm in no way as worried about him as I was for his father (it really was knowing intimatly how physically unfit he was that had me scared to death). I think he will be an outstanding soldier, and, yes, I am PROUD of him.
I definintely agree with your statement about the NG wives….my husband was USMC Reserve for a good portion of his 28 year career and through about half of his deployments. Not being on or near a military installation definitely adds to the stress and loneliness of the deployment because your support network does not include as many military-related or experienced members and no matter how much your civilian family and friends love you and try to help you, they don't always "get it" and understand.
You know my anger stage is now that he is back. I am prior service military myself and I know deployment is something I'm going to have to get over and deal with. This past deployment was my first one staying at home with my 1 yr old son(then newborn). Honestly I just missed him. Maybe a month before he got home I was like AHHH!! I need a break! Let me sleep kid!!! but my anger stage is now that he's back. His unit thinks they are in their own little world and do every thing differently then every other unit. So my husband is here doing BS details(he's an NCO so he really shouldn't be), CQ/Staff duty(obviously. but still), and worst of all his knucklehead soldier got extra duty and my husband has to monitor him. Everyday 6am-11pm weekends too.(Staff duty should be doing that) I have about had it. Look he's back from deployment leave him the freak alone already. They make him do all this BS then in a few weeks oh it's time to go to the field. Oh, lets go to NTC, Now lets deploy. Geez! Well for me these are the harder times. I think during deployment I was thinking almost as you can't miss something you don't have. But now that he is here and I depend on him for certain things now I do get mad ALOT! Maybe it will be different next deployment (you know there will be one) Now that I have been depending on him for certain things. I'll probably get mad. Last time he left my son was 2 weeks and I was doing everything myself pretty much. I hear people saying keep yourself occupied but thats more work and stress on us. To me that's just causing more anger. I don't know I just hope things will change and maybe once in a while I can have my hubby home for dinner and to kiss his son goodnight.
Dawn, What planet are you on? I am a Navy Wife and I just can't understand how active duty can go so long with no deployment, but moving on. You really have no reason to comment on anything here. You have no idea what it is to be a true "military wife", you have no "battle scars". So please, KEEP YOUR COMMENTS TO YOURSELF at least until you have gone through 2 of the stages mentioned above!
Dawn, how about you talk to us AFTER your husband's deployment. Maybe then you feel a little more sensitive to the topic?
My angry phase begins sometime pre-deployment, when he's constantly gone for training and I wish it would start already so it can be over. The second one seems to be around month 7, when I think enough already, it's been ok so far, but it gets old now…I usually get over it but as someone before me said, rationally we all know it's silly and unproductive, but we feel what we feel and I'd be scared if I didn't have any stages at all, wouldn't you?
Dawn, how dare you come on here and comment so rudely when you should just kep your thoughts to yourself. My husband is on a tour for a year, and had schooling for a year in 3 different places so I've only seen him for 3 months in a over a year and have many more months to wait to see him and there were times when I was angry, with him, with the military for choosing to send him on tour right off the bat and not helping me to live with him since he was in school. My husband is not in a battle zone so I don't have that to deal with, and I'm so glad right now, cuz it's hard enough just being away from him. He's had his angry moments too. This is hard for us because he is my best friend and yes, I have friends and do things by myself. I'm even closer to my family and have all them to see, but it's not the same as not being with him, anyday. I miss him and look forward to reading the thoughts from other spouses to know a little bit more of what to expect and to know that there are people I can talk to if I need to. My family is here for me, but there are some things I don't think they would understand about and I feel like reading the comments left by military spouses helps. You however, are just a self centered person who has no right even viewing posts like these if you're going to be rude and ignorant to spouses who may be looking for answers and friends. Don't say nothing if you can't say anything nice.
I have definitely been through all these phases..anger, fat kid, super woman, woe is me..ect I'd have to say Dawn isn't the first to be so naive and suggest "you knew what you were getting into..get over it" and it pisses me off every time I hear that..I fell in love with my husband before he was active army so when he chose to go active and make it his career do you really think there was much a choice to make when he decided that? Like I should have just bailed after dating him for a year?..I don't think so. There have been many sacrifices..missed birthdays, anniversary, valentine's day..ect but it is all worth it being I love and support my husband who happens to be a soldier