My grandmother is 93 years old. She’s a remarkable lady – when I describe her as a pistol there is no exaggeration in the phrase whatsoever. Recently my mother had to shoo my grandmother down off the roof where she was sweeping off leaves and detritus that Grandma had deemed a fire hazard. And mentally? My grandmother makes it a regular practice to be the terror of the local bridge club – regularly beating members thirty years younger than she.
And I don’t think my grandmother – although blessed with uncommon health – is an outlier for her generation. She lived through The Great Depression and she lived through World War II. She sent two sons off to fight in Vietnam, and she has seen her grandson and her grandson-in-law repeatedly deploy in the GWoT. She has traveled to nearly every country represented in the United Nations, she still enjoys a cold beer several times a week, and she has had an ongoing mental love affair with John F. Kennedy since 1958. I hope that someday I will be half the person and live half the life my grandmother has.
My grandmother traveled to see us last year, when we knew Air Force Guy would be deploying again, and while she was here she made the most amazing statement to me. This woman who didn’t see her husband for nearly three years while he was at war; who took over running their family farm, caring for elderly parents, and suffered through a very real lack of communication with her husband that I can’t even begin to imagine. This woman who saw those around her lose husbands and sons at an alarming rate and who once confessed to me that she used to do laundry several times a week because she felt that when she was hanging it on the line to dry she could “feel” her two sons in Vietnam, feel that they were still alive and still in one piece – she told me that she couldn’t imagine how hard it must be to be a military wife today.
I did not know how to respond to my grandmother’s statement, and really I still don’t.
Certainly I think that the military life is not the easiest choice a family can make. The stress of being a single parent while forcing down that all-consuming worry for your spouse while they are deployed is enough to turn your hair gray before that thirtieth birthday rolls around. The nature of the job means that nothing is ever really stable, nothing is ever a sure thing. To be a military family today is to be immersed in indecision not of your own making – where that next assignment will be, when it will be, and whether the family will be together is never certain, and long range plans are just not in the cards.
No, it’s not an easy life. But for my grandmother to compare it with what she went through and say she preferred hers? I didn’t get that. I still don’t, but she did try to explain it to me.
“In World War II,” she said, “everyone was in the same boat. We were all going through the same thing. No matter where you lived, everyone around you was dealing with the same things you were and it was like the United States was one big Army/Navy/Marine base. Now, most of the people you run into when you aren’t on base have no idea what it is to send your loved ones off to war, to wait for those notices. They don’t understand the sisterhood and brotherhood. They don’t truly know what war costs. And sometimes I think that they really don’t want to know.”
While I still don’t agree with my grandma that our military life is more difficult now than what she experienced, I definitely understand her second statement. And it seems that sometimes that lack of understanding isn’t limited to those in the civilian world.
A recent article in the Fayetteville Observer, written by the wife of a retired soldier, decried the whininess of today’s military families and asked the question, “What sacrifice?”
Well, it was sure to start a comment ruckus – with some even agreeing with the author. Far more of the comments excoriated her statements with varying levels of politeness, but no lack of frustration with the picture Mrs. Sisk painted.
Said one commenter:
We just finished our 4th deployment. Number 5 is on the horizon. My
kids have lived half of their lives without daddy. They have
surrendered, given up, or lost more than I’d like to admit. That’s not
to say they/we haven’t gained in other ways, but to say they/we haven’t
sacrificed is delusional. If we’re not giving up something then there
is no larger “something else” in return for us or anyone else.
And another:
Mrs. Sisk assets that “we, as a nation, have become so weak that we now
must support military families.” She recounts how her family spent 20
years of military service traveling the world, including a single tour
in Vietnam. There was no “Fayetteville Cares” toy drives in their day.
From time to time… she even took a part time
job or purchased food from local merchants. While I would never seek to
denigrate her husband’s service, it is impossible to compare his
experience to the current operational tempo. Mrs. Sisk cites the
stoicism of her husband (deployed for 5% of his 20 year career) and her
grandfather (10% of 30 years) as evidence that “people in previous wars
[were] more rugged than today’s soldiers and families.” I would
challenge Mrs. Sisk to look the wife of a current Paratrooper, deployed
for more than 50% of his career, in the eyes and tell her that she is a
“whiner.”
But I thought this comment really hit the nail on the head:
I think we could debate how to best support families but to use the
word “whiners” and to insist there is no sacrifice is breathtakingly
insultive [sic].
Our family has received some huge benefits from being a military family. We’ve lived all over the United States and made the most of each duty station with day trips and immersion in the local cultures. We found out we prefer Texas pit barbecue above all others, and that fresh Maine lobster really is as good as the movies say. My kids watch movies like Night at the Museum and go on the ride Soarin’ at Disney’s Epcot and squeal when they see places they recognize. And I have made friends so close that we’re family in all but name.
Those are benefits. But just because there are benefits to something does not mean that there is no sacrifice. My husband has been either deployed, TDY, or training for more time than he has actually been home. Yes, we volunteered for this. And no, we don’t regret it on the whole. But that doesn’t make it any easier on those days when I’m going through extensive medical testing for a possibly severe condition and my husband isn’t home to hold my hand and tell me I’m going to be okay. It doesn’t make it any easier to get through the possibility that the baby you waited and planned and then had to work so hard to conceive might be born without Dad there. Or how about one of those “you can’t stay in this house” curveballs that necessitates moving and all that entails while your spouse is deployed? I don’t think discussing these situations is whining.
I’m not trying to start a Woe is Me Chorus here. I have met very, very few military spouses that want to be seen as victims or martyrs. The awareness that we chose this life is always there – as is a strong sense of pride in what we are able to do. And I think it is a pride that is well-earned. I think that is exactly what makes Mrs. Sisk’s article such a disservice and, in fact, an active maligning of military families today. What she characterizes as “a nation of whiners”, my grandmother sees as a society at large that has no idea what it means to be a military family in a prolonged time of war. While Mrs. Sisk decries the stories about (quotes are hers) the “sacrifices” of military families on TV, my grandmother admitted to me that she watches every one she hears about and makes it a point to read the short biography of every fallen service-member that appears in her local paper. My grandmother, you see, does not want to forget what it is to be a military family serving in a time of war. And somehow every time I need to talk about the emotional toll the military and the war take on our family, my grandmother has known exactly what to say.
As far as the advantages of being a military family go, the ability to rely on each other and on those that have come before us to help us navigate this lifestyle is the primary benefit we will use however long our military lifestyle lasts. My grandmother still understands this. Apparently, not everyone does.
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Well, part of the problem with that little ditty of an article is the harridan who wrote it seems to have lost her heart along the way. Bitter? Yup, she called it on herself.
There are always going to be people who need help, and we find both peace or gratitude when we either decide to step up and do so, or just go away, find something else to our liking, and let the other go.
In her case, her involvement with this board or that, their decision to build their lives in a town with a huge military presence –long past when they really needed to be there, has added to her ennui. Sounds like they're both ready to move on, but they haven't realized it, or maybe they're scared. Fayetteville is a small pond. There's a big non-military world out there, and having come from it after 23 years after running a practice, I can say –it's not all bad.
But neither is this one, either.
The most offensive part to me was the comment agreeing with the article and adding, "If those milestones and occasions were truly that important to you and your service member why did you volunteer to trade them for a paycheck?"
I'm not sure what's more offensive — implying that my husband cares more about money than our anniversary, or implying that my husband serves in the military just for a paycheck. I've never met anyone who is only in the military for a paycheck; it's sad that people are so out of touch. If only more people were like your grandma.
Thank you – this is beautifully written. I have often thought of the WWII families & how much harder it must have been for them. Your grandmother sounds like a wonderful and very wise woman. Thank you for sharing this.
Excellent post.
A-freakin-men. That is all.
What a beautifully written response to such an outrageous article. Thank you for posting this.
I often think about other jobs where one parent is away doing something dangerous, like firefighter or like "Deadliest Catch" people. I know we're not the only ones who have a rough time of things, and I know that we have made conscious choices along the way to stay in this career field and slog it out.
But it's the TONE of that article that just ruined whatever shred of an argument she might've made.
Thank you. I read the other blog and was too upset to comment. My husband was in the Army for 20 years and we met while he was stationed in Germany, yes that country that that lady was "blessed to live in". I am German, borned and raised there. We got married in Germany one month before our actual wedding date because, he was deploying to Iraq. Yes I could cope, but it was an experience that I will never forget.
The night he left was so far the worst night in my life. At the time there was no communication: No news, is good news. I didn't know when he'd come back. I didn't even know where to go on base to get help, how to be a military spouse.
My parents who both lived and lost during WW2 on their OWN soil gave me the biggest support. We talked a lot about their sacrifices, well the short version is they lost almost everything.
Then we moved to the US and I found out that my university degree from there wouldn't help to find a job and that I basically gave up my career that I had studied for so hard.
So here is a German citizen that beomes a "legal alien" and supports the US military. I love this country (US) but first it made it really hard to be loved.
You are right that people don't know what it means to be a family member of a deployed person, to be married to someone that is gone 1/2 of the time or even more.
I will never forget these times and only then I started to understand what war is really about: sacrifice!
You are so lucky to have your grandmother to talk about this with – my grandmother and I often talk about the same thing. I can't imagine her ever saying anything close to Mrs Sisk's article. This is a wonderful response :)
I'm not going to bother to read the Sisk article, because I woke up feeling great today, and I don't want to spend the time it would take of me to respond, nor will I permit that indignity to interfere with my day. I do want to compliment you on your response, however. It is beautifully written and I think it portrays at least the essence of what military families feel.
I'm a retired soldier, as well as an Army wife, whose Sapper just made his 20 years. We chose this life, knowing full well there is sacrifice, but more than that, we chose this life BECAUSE OF THE SACRIFICE. Because this sacrifice gives to our lives something bigger than ourselves. Life meaning, which cannot be belittled by the purpose of "receiving a paycheck," among other things. I must state also that the 20 years I spent in uniform does not even begin to compare to the OPTEMPO my Sapper has been experiencing these past 8 years. I used to think we had it good compared to our grandparents who did not hear from their service mbers for years at a time during the early wars. After all, they didn't have satellite phone, Yahoo Messenger and web cams, and the most extraordinary postal system in the world. But I think this is all relative to the time. Their hardships and benefits were relative to their life experiences and demands. Our hardships and benefits are relative to our life experience. You cannot truly compare them because the variables are not the same. Really, it is like comparing apples and oranges. Never-the-less, people like Sisk are here for a purpose also. I have to constantly remind myself that I would have this life with my Sapper (which now includes PTSD, TBI, both our bad habits and a lifetime of emotional baggage) over any other life without him. And when I'm feeling negative, low, or depressed, it is people like Sisk and you, Airforcewife, who give words to our emotions about what Sisk wrote, who get me back on my personal bandwagon, return me to my personal place of spirited determination, and remind me of my higher purposes. Just because the OPTEMPO has changed, that doesn't mean our lifepurpose has changed, and sometimes, yes, I whine, and I need to be reminded to keep my eye on the ball-that ball that was our life purpose.
Thank you for your inspiration!
I still haven't gotten through all the comments. Another article on Spouse Buzz that gave me an instant headache. I think I better check my blood pressure. Mrs. Sisk's article is deplorable beyond belief. To think that this woman sat there and blogged about the "whiners" of this nation…NATION… because of a toy drive. Seriously a toy drive she will never get to participate in. The absurdity of this article is astounding.
So the only way you can make a sacrifice as a military family is if your military member comes back dead or maimed. Did I get that right? Um…kind of morbid, exceptionally self deluded and not surprisingly convoluted in that her article seriously made no sense whatsoever.
Thank you so much for taking the time to post your rebuttal. It was well said.
After being immediately outraged about that post, I thought about it… Maybe the reason she is so down on service members now days is because they were never offered the same support we are offered now.
She severely lacks compassion, especially when you take into account that her husband was deployed for such a short time in his career and compare it to the constant deployments we have now.
The wars are different now, and to say that Military Families do not also serve is completely ridiculous.
Yes we choose this life, we defend our country. If my husband and many others like him had not voluntarily joined the military who would defend our country?
I just don't understand why people keep attacking our military men and women. I'm not asking for pity and I'm definitely not whining, but it sickens me that some one would not consider it a sacrifice that my husband will miss our son's birth, first words, and first steps to be deployed.
I believe that the military spouses are speaking out more now to be understood and show what our men and women give up to make them safe.
It makes me so sad that some one would attack us, especially since she was once one of us. Maybe its because her experience was better, or because it was a different time. Who knows, I believe she needs a little sensitivity.
My great grandmother turns 100 next year, and her late husband was deployed for four straight years as a medic in the same World War – with no contact for months on end. It really put things in perspective as my husband was gearing up to leave for Afghanistan this time. We are the lucky ones. We can talk almost every day via e-mail or over the phone in this deployment (arguably his easiest for communication to date) and every day we count our blessings. Every day we acknowledge that not everyone is so lucky.
I feel like if Sisck doesn't have anything nice to say, she shouldn't say anything at all. Of what possible benefit could telling the entire nation of soldiers, military families and troop supporters that they're whiners? What could she possibly hope to have achieved with that except a holier-than-thou attitude that she needs to prove she's better and tougher than us? And lastly, what is so wrong with supporting one another and fostering support and community to rally behind our soldier loved ones? It's shameful.
We all struggle, and the degree of our struggle is relative. Who are we to judge how hard someone else's struggle is? Hats off to the rest of you military families, regardless of whether your military career has been a breeze or extraordinarily difficult. Your contribution to this great nation is worth of respect and appreciation!
I really appreciate this article. I read the article at the Fay Observer and I was annoyed to say the least. But no matter. People like that will live their lives however they so choose. It's a shame, however, that there is such a toxic attitude toward our military community in this day and age, despite all that these wars have cost each and every one of us. What I can say is that those negative and derisive attitudes prove that what we really do IS sacrifice, especially when facing such opposition and contempt from people like Mrs. Sisk.