Other than the typical information meeting, I can think of exactly one event during deployment that my husband was actually comfortable attending — and that moment was ruined when a female spouse nursed her baby sans cover or blanket while standing and talking to him. Yes, that happened.
While he is the soldier and I am the spouse, he was part of our rear detachment for a portion of the deployment. If he wanted to attend any of the family social activities during that time frame, he knew he was going to be surrounded completely and only by women.
(For the record, I am in no way anti-breast feeding … just pro-modesty, especially when talking to men who are not related to me).
That situation isn’t something he has to deal with on a regular basis anymore. But for male spouses his experience is but a typical day in military family life. Like I said in my last post, only about 6 percent of spouses throughout the military are males. That means there are a lot of dudes out there surrounded by lady stuff.
According to my story today on Military.com, this brings with it a bigger problem than just a group of unsupported husbands. Last year, nearly 8 percent of all married female servicemembers divorced — compared to 3 percent of males. Research shows that the bulk of those women were married to civilian males, not to other servicemembers.
Experts say the divorce rate among female servicemembers can largely be blamed on a lack of support services aimed at, or at least friendly to, male spouses.
But there may be another factor at play here. Let’s put it this way — how many guys do you know who like to stop and ask for directions?
If support services are the “directions” of military life, are we really surprised that men aren’t interested in using them?
“Past research has shown that civilian male spouses are less likely to use the support offered on bases,” said Morgan Cutlip, a researcher with marriage support company Love Thinks. “I’m wondering if, because they are less likely to use support, they are less likely to cope as well.”
Research out of the University of North Carolina shows that female spouses who connect with support are less stressed during deployment. Cutlip is in the process of launching a study on the female servicemember divorce rate. As part of her study she’ll be looking at the support services the military has in place — and examining whether they are accomplishing what they are meant to for male spouses.
John Avelis, a male spouse who recently did a video interview with us from his home in Japan, said the links between males not having services to use, not being willing to find services that they can use and any marriage problems are clear. When it comes to issues like predeployment and especially reintegration, guidance from support services can be key. But it is only helpful if you are willing to look for it and use it.
“Men are less likely to go to the doctor, men are less likely to stop and ask for directions — when the man’s wife is out at sea or just gone 14 hours a day a man is going to be less likely to go to the resources that are available,” he said. “They might be less aware of those resources because they are less likely to get involved — put those things together. If they don’t know about the resources and they are less likely to take advantage of it anyway, they are more likely to bottle it up and take it out on their marriages.”
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I don't think it's a male/female thing but an individual thing. I'm an Army wife…female and I didn't get very involved with the spousal activities while my husband was deployed. Most of them were geared towards young families with children which I am not. However, I did go along on some of the day trips as they were of interest to me. I did use some of the services available to me and had no problem finding them. I've also noticed over the years that strong, independant types be they male or female deal with and survive their spouses deployment much better than the helpless dependent ones. If you fall in love and wish to marry a weak, needy person I suggest you not plan to stay long in the service.
I've read this few several times now, and I keep getting stuck at this sentence: "Experts say the divorce rate among female servicemembers can largely be blamed on a lack of support services aimed at, or at least friendly to, male spouses."
Um, no, the divorce rate among female servicemembers can be largely blamed on the fact that the husband and/or the wife decided that they no longer wanted to married. Last time I checked, marriage did not require a support service. Yes, some individuals and some couples can benefit from support services, but most people manage to stay married without anyone holding their hand along the way.
It really bothers me that "experts" are pointing to outside factors to explain the success or failure of marriages, instead of reminding people that they are personally responsible for choosing (or not choosing) to exhibit the traits that contribute to a successful marriage (personal strength, communication, cooperation, shared values, realistic expectations, etc.) Let's not encourage personal responsibility, let's find someone else to blame.
Makes me feel a little sick.
I agree — personal responsibility should be key.
The basic premise to my thought pattern in researching this stuff isn't that people shouldn't be responsible for themselves and should rely on handouts … it's that if they say the programs are there and if they say they are spending money on them, shouldn't they be working and shouldn't they be there for everyone? I'm all about spending accountability.
I'd like to agree with the comments above what man is crying Boo Hoo, ha! ha! Come on the Military is Army Strong busy fighting a war. They are not here to make your marriage stronger or to watch spouses left behind to make sure there's no cheating going on. Build your own marriage at home on a foundation of God, Love,Forgiveness,Understanding,Trust,Respect and Support. Divorce is the lazy persons excuse for giving up on a marriage. It is a contract you should have entered never wanting a holiday, day off, or retirement. So let's blame ourselves for divorce experts. The army has enough to handle.
I agree, this is not about less support; I can't stand FRG & other various forms of support offered by the military-so when my husband is gone its just me and the kids. Its about individuals, their ability to cope, their personal strength as well as the strength of their marriage, their level of commitment and determination to make it through the difficult times. Being left behind is difficult, some argue more difficult than having to deploy and some people can't handle it, that applies to both men and women. Of course I could just be sexist and say women are stronger than men and thats why we are better at it. My own husband has admitted he could never do it if the shoe was on the other foot.
Interesting article. Thanks for the insights.
I am a Marine Vet. Married my wife When she was a active Marine. During her Marine deployment I went to the wives club activities for a short time(yes that is what they called them selves). The women there included me. Some like I was a woman and talked about female problems, but others seemed more to try to flirt with me. Both made me uncomfortable. Later my wife left active duty, we moved, and she continued military service in the army national guard. Guess what, she got deployed again. I attend unit functions but not FRG. The only party that was helpful to me was right before the army deployment there was a 2-day yellow ribbon semminar for the families to prepare for the year long deployment.