My life has been altered in the last few months. Besides purchasing a house and moving (without the Navy’s help!), my father-in-law passed away five weeks ago. Losing a parent is something you don’t expect to happen until you are well into the mid-life crisis years with kids who are either grown or mostly grown. You don’t expect it to happen before you even have them.
[sidenote: I started calling my husband Huzzy in response to him calling me "Wifey" just to get a rise out of me (ya know, the "little wifey at home" type thing) and that's what I call him when I blog.]
Huzzy has been taking it as well as anyone can expect, but there are always ups and downs. I can say this because I lost my dad when I was 22 years old, so watching him go through the “Seven Stages of Grief” is something familiar to me. Unfortunately, he has more on his plate than most because his dad was the sole caretaker of HIS mom (grandma) and now the responsibility falls on Huzzy and his brother (mostly his brother right now because we don’t live near them) to take care of her… because her own daughter (Huzzy’s aunt) refuses to.
So he has a lot going on. And true to submarine life, there is a deployment, which is called a patrol, right around the corner (when isn’t there?), which would mean little to no communication during the entire patrol. While it’s always hard to have no contact, Huzzy wouldn’t know what is going on with his family and, in all honesty, wouldn’t be able to really deal with his dad’s death.
His command has decided that he is NOT going on the next patrol. And while it is best decision right now for both Huzzy and the command (he works with nuclear missiles for a living… they don’t want a distracted person doing that), it’s a tough pill to swallow for the both of us. For Huzzy, this is a patrol where he will not be an LPO (Leading Petty Officer) and it might harm his career. He also feels guilty because his division will have to pick up his slack.
For me, while no one wants their husband to be gone and not even be able to email them for weeks and months at a time, I feel guilty that I get my husband home while the other wives (and I can say wives because it is still an all-male crew) are going through the stress and worry of being separated. I’m also not sure what to do with so much together time! We’ve been together now since January – minus a month when Huzzy was in Illinois with his family – and it’s very strange for us. When you are in the submarine community, you are used to them coming or going every three or four months or so. You are either in a deployment, or gearing up for one. But we aren’t right now. Very strange, indeed.
Of course, we are talking about the military so I’m not going to believe that he isn’t going on the patrol until they actually pull out of port… and I’m not going to believe they aren’t going to call for him to join them in the middle of it until the crew returns. Heck, they are even having him put all his deployment items (clothes, toiletries) on the boat just in case. You know how it goes – the only thing certain is that things change.
Have you ever had your spouse stay behind during a deployment? What were your experiences?
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My husband knows from experience how hard it is to be at home when all he wants to do is get out there and do his job. The situation puts me in the curious position of reassuring him that yes, I wish he were gone, too, and that I understand it isn't that he doesn't love being with me. Totally bizarre, and I'm not sure my civilian friends and family would get it.
Exactly! I don't want him to go… but… I do. He's not sure how to react.
We haven't really had that same experience since Chris doesn't deploy with a set group of people. But we have had deployments get cancelled at the last minute and felt disappointed. It's definitely a little weird to have him home for so long though! He's been home for almost six months now, and he's antsy to leave again and I'm antsy to finish my house projects without him peeking over my shoulder and complaining about the costs ;)
My husband just got send home from a patrol because he got metal stuck in his eye. It is a hard thing. In my experience with it, the wives basically snubbed me and discluded me in the "boat wife" category while he was home. They talked crap about me behind my back and acted like middle schoolers. When I was told to "come to coffee and hang out" I did, and when I arrived, almost immediately everyone left. At that point I decided I didn't need it and informed my husband that, whether I need them or not (I only got involved in the FRG and boat stuff because he was away for our son's birth and he felt better with me involved and around people) I would no longer be involved in anything dealing with the boat unless it was mandatory for him to be there (I refuse to make him go to things alone since we are in this together).
I honestly and truly hope it is a better experience for you. Yes, you want him home, but you want him out with his crew so he doesn't feel the guilt of leaving his crew behind or slacking in his job. I just hope your boat's wives are more understanding and mature about the situation than mine were.
The wives on my husbands boat were the same way when he got to come home for our daughters birth, at the homecoming they all gave me dirty looks and pretty much didnt include me in anything, and my husband was only home for 3 weeks before he went back and finished the deployment with them.
Hubs only goes out with a small crew (like 10 guys) and only three do what he does. So if he gets pulled, I already know the wife and family situation of the guy that gets stuck taking the trip with less notice than we had. That's always in the back of my head. He's on this deployment now because one of the guys failed his deployment screen. So, there was only one other guy left, and his wife had just had surgery.
He did get pulled from a trip once, and someone else took his place. Gracefully, which I will always appreciate, since it was a medical issue on my part and if he hadn't been home, I could have died. Things are a little different with his department since they're so small.
My husband was sent home to take care of our rear detachement during our last deployment. Yes, it blew for him in a lot of ways — not fun to come home when everyone else is still there and not fun to deal with the very, very difficult job of Rear-D. But it was an important job and someone had to do it. This is the important thing to remember: just because he isnt going doesnt mean he isn't doing something vital. Doesn't make it easier.
Spend the time withHuzzy, be together and love eachother hard. Too much vital time apart in the Boat life, unlike the skimmers. Be gratefull the Command has folks smart enough to realize the propriety of leaving him in the state of mind he is in. Was not always or often the wisdom of the fleet. His career can recover and you will help him emensely thru tough time now.Later he will see that need for another sailor. A GOOD case of "comes around/ goes around".The crew will get by (no one is indispensable. Many of us think we are.They propably need to find out how to get along on their own anyway. Good drill for them. Best regards to you and Huzzy, smoke&battery, and nuke boat Auxman.
My hub fell in the bathtub and pulled his groin a week before time to go out with his gold crew. They opted to leave him behind. It was great for me because he'd already been out for four patrols and it was like a nice, long, mini vacation with him. He didn't feel too bad about it cuz he was a pretty well adjusted guy, but did say it would have been a real burden to be lifing that leg around the boat for 3 months. They guys came back and all razzed him but it was in good nature, asking and joking how did he do it so they could try it. Uss Thomas Edison, SSBN 610 1978.
I'm an FRG Leader for USAR, our leadership thrives on treating MOB & Rear Det Soldier's Families with the same respect. We include our Rear Det Families is helping with the care for our MOB Families. We are one team supporting each other. This is my first year as a FRG Leader but that is one of our policies along with many others. The single Soldier needs resources just like our married Soldiers, each in their own way. I hate to hear how you have been treated. Our FRG Leaders need more solid training on how to behave respectfully. NO ONE should be outcast due to ilness, injury, or profile or just not chosen to deploy. This is when the mission changes. There are important issues on the homefront as well. We all need to utilize our resources. We are trying to make a better name for the FRG, One Army One Family One Team
The FRG isn't treating me badly at all. This is all ME feeling guilty. And we don't have anything like Rear D here. The entire command goes at the same time; no one stays behind unless they are injured or have some other reason (like my husband).
We have two crews (two commands): Blue and Gold for these type of submarines. So there is a "crew" that stays behind, but they are a totally different command and we have no contact with them. They make sure any packages we MAY get to send out get sent and take care of stuff here.
While he is behind, are they going to let him work with the opposite crew? that would at least help him through that portion alittle better than not. As for the FRG, i think you and i may be in the same location based on what you posted here. I have not had much success if any with the frg. You are probably right that they will send him over there after things get straightened out for him. My "Gold" guy is due home soon. I will ask him what usually happens in this sort of situation!
He's already TAD to the other crew. We have everything all set.
Comments.
Wife and I together for 56 years. 23 of which were fraught with deployments.
Even today, a trip to the local hardware, the county dump, etal, requires a trip ticket.
Separation of family members is hard on all.
We lived, loved and endured, USN Deployments and the traits remain hard engrained to this day.
Semper Fi