Hi, I have a confession to make: I’m a 27-year-old stay-at-home wife. Yes, I said wife and not mom—as of right now we don’t have any kiddos. Don’t get me wrong, we want children very badly, but not at this very moment. I feel like a stay-at-home moms in a military lifestyle are understood by the outside world, but there’s a different stigma when you don’t have that typical day-job and you don’t have kids yet.
After college, and during the three years I dated my husband (then boyfriend) I worked full time, at one point had two jobs, and lived with my parents. I saved every single penny I had to pay for airfare so I could see him as often as possible (usually only every two to three months). Those plane tickets from New Mexico to Georgia were equivalent to a rent payment every month. In fact, several times it would have been cheaper for me to fly to Europe than pay what I was paying for my tickets across the country. I took red-eye flights and sometimes spent more time on airplanes and in airports than actual time together. But we did it, because when you’re in a long distance relationship you do everything in your power to see each other as often as possible, even if it’s only a few weeks each year. So once we got married, I decided to make my husband and our relationship my number one priority.
After getting married and moving, I decided to put my career on hold and not get a typical 9-5 job. I have a consistent freelance writing job on the side that brings in some income, but for the most part I stay pretty busy during the day. These days I’m busy with PCS plans and keeping the house “show ready” so we can try selling it—that’s a full time job right there!
A lot of the civilian friends I grew up with back home don’t really understand my life now, but I think my military friends get it. I don’t think they understand how a college graduate, who once had a career she loved, could stop working and become a stay-at-home wife. But after years of separation before we were married, and continuous absences several months each year, I want as much time with him as possible.
Deployments and TDYs are the norm for us; I don’t have the luxury of getting to see my husband for holidays and celebrations, so weekends and days when he comes home at a reasonable hour are precious moments that we really treasure. I didn’t want to have a job keeping me from seeing him. The thought of having to ask for time off and having an employer decline my request was a terrifying thought; I didn’t want to have to choose between getting fired and seeing my husband. Now, I enjoy having the ability to hop on a plane and go visit him for a weekend when he’s TDY (on our own dime, of course) and being able to spend those few days before and after deployments together.
I know dozens of military wives and moms who have careers, and not only do I think that’s amazing, but I applaud them. I’m fortunate that I when opportunities present themselves I can work from home, so I hope you know that I am in no way degrading those who do work. This is just something that works for us.
I’m incredibly lucky that I’m at a point in my life where I can do what I love from anywhere in the world. I love making my own schedule and working when inspiration strikes. Because I stay at home during the day, my husband and I can go on frequent lunch dates (making up for those countless “date nights” we had over Skype) and I’m branching out and expanding my hobbies of cooking and photography. I’m hoping that when we move to Italy I’ll be able to venture into travel writing and photography and possibly volunteer on base. I say all of this, because when I tell people that I’m a stay-at-home wife I get the impression that people think I sit at home twiddling my thumbs all day, but it’s far from that!
What about you? I’m very curious how others view stay-at-home military wives. Are you one? Were you one?
About Jessica Lynn
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I've had no choice but to be one the last year but I am trying to find a job. We've moved twice in the last year and I've been busy the whole time either unpacking, packing or doing stuff around the house. Of course, there was a 2 month stint where I was doing Navy work.
I see no problem with being a SAHW as long as both husband and wife are happy with this. Besides, it is no one else's business but theirs!
My mother is one, and I often wish I were one as well. I feel I'd be a much happier person overall if I could devote my time to creative outlets as well as keeping our home nice and taking care of other tasks. Alas, I also like having the extra money…so I keep my job… at least for now. But I am definitely respectful of anyone's choice to work or not to work–and envious of your working from home as well! ;)
I wouldn't feel bad for ONE SECOND if I were you. Your circumstances are unique to you and your husband, and you guys knows what's best for you. So don't let anyone out there judge you and make you feel bad about your decisions.
So I am recently married into the military and I was wondering if anyone had any advice on being alone while the husband is gone 7 months to boot camp and A school. We have never been apart. I have the book Married in the Military its a coping book and it helps was needing wisdom from the wives.
I'm one! When Chris and I got married, we decided that it was more important that we be able to spend our first few years of marriage together and I turned down a job offer to follow him to Georgia. I'm getting ready to start working again, but I don't regret our initial decision AT ALL. You can always go back to work, but you can't get back the time you lost. And I totally agree with Wifey – as long as you and your husband are ok with it, it's no one else's business!
Very well done, Jessica! I looked *tirelessly* for a job here when we first moved…without any luck. So I started volunteering to network. I've found that I love volunteering and have since stopped looking for a job. I also started making all three meals most days (well, until I got pregnant recently and food started freaking me out!) and I love doing that!! And I put some of my extra time towards crafty things…which I'm *slowly* getting better at. J & I are very happy with the way things are now. Ultimately, if you and your spouse are happy with whatever job you have, that's all that matters!!
I'm recently pregnant too and laughed at your "food freaking out" comment. I feel the same way!!! lol
Another SAHW chiming in! I have my moments of feeling down about (what I fear others perceive as) my "wasted potential," especially when I think about some of my highly motivated and career-oriented high school and college classmates. I think it's natural to contemplate those might-have-beens from time to time, and upon further analysis, I love having the flexibility to volunteer — especially the part where I can say "No!" to obligations that would keep me from spending time with my husband during gaps in his whacked-out schedule. I believe I would be far less content in a situation where both my husband and myself had incontrovertible work obligations. The military provides quite enough of those for us.
I like what you wrote, Jessica! I wish my mom and friends back home could read this, as it mirrors my experience somewhat. I dated my husband 2 years long distance before we married, and so after graduation and moving, I did try to find a job, but it's hard! I realize now what others think doesn't matter. I found something super-part time for now, but I envy your ability to find freelance writing. I just work with kiddos at a church and babysit occasionally, which isn't all bad. I get to spend time with my husband which I wouldn't get to if I worked full-time. My husband's schedule can be unpredictable, so it's nice to spend time together rather than worry about a job. I have begun volunteering along with working somewhat at the church, but I still see him more than I would if I were doing the "normal" 9 to 5. :)
Thanks for writing this! It's definitely an important topic many military spouses must face and that most civilians looking from the outside don't understand.
DO NOT let anyone make you feel inferior for being an at home wife. It’s a full time job. You’re blessed that you can do it. I was a military wife (after the fact) and i’m a military mom. A Navy daughter, Army niece, etc. I wish i’d more time w/my husband before he died. Enjoy your time!
I'm a 26-year-old stay-at-home military wife as well. I've been working as a freelance writer & author for over 6 years – I started while I was dating my now-husband. He joined the Marine Corps a year ago & I am overjoyed that I am able to work AND be an active part of his military life at the same time. We plan to have a kid in 2-3 years & that will be an amazing adventure, but so is our life right now :)
Good for you! I wrote something similar to this before I had kids because I felt like I was being attacked for my husband's and my choice for me to be a SAH-Wife. You have to do what is right for you. I consider(ed) it a blessing to be able to be a SAH-wife and now mom!
Great Post. So well written. I was a stay at home wife for many years before I was a stay at home mom. I totally understand where you are coming from. My hubbys line of work leaves little down time for us and since we have gotten married always been high stress for him at work. I have worked off and on over the years but most of our time I have been the at home wife/mom. I hate it when other spouses who work or have worked judged the ones that don't. Or feel that because we don't have normal 9-5 jobs outside of the him that somehow that equates us to be someone who does nothing at home and twiddles there thumbs all day like you said. I keep my home happy and I nourish my family emotionally and physicallys so my DH can go out everyday and provide for us. I see nothing wrong with that and anyone clucking about that someone who doesn't work outside the home is somehow wasting away or has no worth outside of their home. Sorry I have great joy in keeping my home and loving my family everyday from my child, husband and doggies! We are happy and it works for us. You have written this so well and expressed a lot of what I have felt now and before on this matter.
Yes, Doris, I agree! My husband has some friends who judge me because I'm a SAHW. We don't have children so the disapproval is obvious.
His best friend is very wealthy and his wife is always rude to me because I don't work outside the home. But here's the catch…she doesn't, either. They have two daughters and that is pretty much her excuse for not working outside the home but she judges me because I have no kids and no job. WTF? At least I make an effort to cook dinner and I'm nice to my husband. She is disrespectful to her husband, even in front of his family.
This was a beautifully written post. I believe that stay at home wives are in a very unique situation because we are often judged as lazy, especially if we don't have children. It is unfair but that's life.
I'm a SAHW too! It definitely turned some heads when I quit my full-time job 2 months after we got married, and I didn't have any PCS/moving reason (I hated my job, so it worked out for me). The biggest head I turned was my own mother's, a career woman all her life. I've met many other amazing SAHWs through volunteering on base. Personally, I'm still on a constant emotional rollercoaster because of it (and often feel I was born 100 years too late), since I just haven't figured out what kind of career I actually want. We're ready for kids; it just hasn't happened yet. But I think I've helped my mom see the value in choosing a different path. Thank you for writing this–it has helped me be a bit more at ease with my lifestyle.
Kudos to you! Do not worry about what anyone else thinks. If it works for you & your husband that is all that should matter. Many blessings to you two. (And to all the other SAHW's & SAHM's)
I have never been in your particular shoes, but I have been a reluctant SAHM.
I only recently came to terms with my situation. So yeah..after nearly 8 years as a SAHM, I decided to accept it for the time being. :) In spite of the fact that any job I held would not pay enough to cover daycare for the little one while still bringing in enough to make a dent in our finances, and I have a special needs child with frequent appointments, I do get some flack for staying home. The flack gets worse when our financial situation gets worse.
Anyway. Long story short: There is always someone who will find something negative about your choices. If the choice is right for you and your family then..well it is none of their business in the first place.
To me there is nothing wrong with being a SAHW. I think what you're doing and the way you have chosen to embrace it is awesome. :)
I'm in tears reading this! Thank you so much for writing about this topic. I moved cross country to be around family for my husbands back to back deployments. I gave up my career but love the time I get to spend helping out where I'm needed. So I'm a SAH- Wife too, in a sense. This was very well written and a helpful article. Thank you so much!!!!!
I have to say that I often told my husband that I'm thankful to the Army for giving me a shield to hide behind. I could always use it as an excuse for a reason as to why I was a SAHM even though I had a law degree and a speech pathologist license to boot. I loved the fact that I got to be the one to mother and raise my kids through their early years. Now that they are older I feel ready to possibly join the work force, but until that perfect opportunity comes around the military life gives me a good "cover." I totally understand where you are coming from. I think it's the reason why our family has stayed so strong during a deployment, hospitalizations and this overseas tour. Not that me working would mean that our family would be weaker in any way, but for us, my not working at this point meant that I could take care of all the things needed to keep us together. It'll be a challenge when I finally do go back to work someday….IF I go back, I should stay. That still remains to be seen. ;)
Why do you need a shield? Don't get it.
No matter what you do, someone will have something to say…just live your life how you want to. By the way I am a fellow New Mexican…..where are you from? We (my husband and I) are from a small town on the East side of the state. We both went to UNM!
How fantastic! We are both from Albuquerque, but I have family south of 'Burque, too. I went to NMSU :) I love how New Mexicans stick together; I hope you're finding some green chile wherever you are!
When were you at NMSU…my Nephew Derek Burns graduated in 2005 or 06? We live at Fort Drum NY…so we have to bring green Chile back every time we visit. Found your blog…love the picture of the city!
That's when I was there—graduated in 06, but I don't think his name sounds familiar. We have a freezer full of chile here in Georgia, too :)
Don't feel bad. Enjoy the time you have to go with your husband when you can. When I married my husband at the ripe old age of 30, I had a good career and was feeling like I could transfer it where ever we landed. However, we landed at a remote base in Alaska. I looked for a job for a long time, went through feeling like I was not contributing to my family or society. Once I got over that I learned to relax and enjoy my time there. I also met lots of other women who had decided to do the same and we became lifelong friends having a riotous amount of good fun while stationed there.
I'm a college grad, always held a job, got married and now totally enjoying being a SAHW. While he makes the money I make sure bills are paid, homecooked meals, budgeting, clean house, and I get to see my husband instead of juggling schedules…and since his schedule changes every week, it's amazing to not have to work around another schedule. I get a lot of crap for being a SAHW from people who work and sometimes I feel guilty but hubby always points out that I do a great job at what I do and because of me we always have enough to do everything we want. Yay budgeting!
Thank you! Seriously, I was beginning to think I was the only (intentionally) stay at home wife out there. We got married almost immediately after our college graduation and I tried *hard* to find a job near our post. After 3 months of trying I realized, "how on Earth will I manage this house/our finances/all the errands if I am working full time?" I felt pretty guilty and embarrassed for a while. Friends and family would (and still do) ask what I'm doing and where I'm working. Though it still flusters me to be asked, I have come to accept that they may never understand. The Army life is much different than civilian life. Unlike civilian life, my partner works consistent 12 hour shifts, 5-6 days a week. When can he balance our checkbook or cut coupons for commissary runs? Additionally, he will be leaving for a year's deployment in no time. I'm reconciled in my heart and head that my time is better spent here, investing in my marriage and being the logistical manager of my household. Perhaps it’s anti-feminist, but I’m willing to accept that, lol.
I am a stay at home wife. It was terribly hard thing for me to adjust to. I'm so used to working full time and going to grad school before I moved to the south to live with my husband (then fiance). It has been extremely hard for me to find a job and right now I'm at the point where I feel bad even trying for anything permanent since we have a move coming up in a few months. Yes I am thankful that we are able to have a one income family and be perfectly ok but I do wish I had a 9-5 job. I will admit that the whole stay at home wife role has not come easy to me. It still hasn't one year into it. I'm fumbling my way through it the best I know how. I hate how people, even family, judge SAHW's for our current position.
I got married 2 years ago and have being a SAHW since then. I had a very successful career and really loved my job. I miss to be a leader and how accomplished I felt every time I met my deadlines. We are living overseas and my husband works a lot so I alone most of the time. I'm looking for other options beside my career that make me feel productive. I don't like when people ask me " What have you been up to?" it makes me feel that I'm not productive and I don't know what to respond (cleaning the house, cooking, reading, taking pictures, going to the gym. I used to do all of that and work at the same time before). My mom is a SAHW and she is extremely happy. I wish that I can find the perfect formula.
I graduated college last May and my husband was set to deploy in August. Instead of spending hours upon hours of my day looking for career possibilities on top of interviews and possibly starting a new job, I took some time off and prepared for his deployment, a big move across the state, and well… just spent time with my guy. I wouldn't give those months up for the world. I think if I would've been working, I would've regretted it.
I'm also a stay at home wife. When we were first in Colorado, I HAD to have a job because we were still trying to sell our house. When we moved to New York, I stayed at home because he deployed within a year of us getting here. Now that he is back from deployment, we have PCS orders. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and I really love staying at home. It is something that I'm going to talk to my husband about when we move. Thanks for the post! I feel the same way!
Reading your post and all these comments makes me feel so much better about being a SAHW!! I haven't held a job for well over a year now. I can honestly say that I don't care if I ever hold a job again. With things being the way they are with the Army
I think that's great. A smart man wants a happy, available wife. And you are a smart wife, making that a priority. Good for both of you!
Jess, I'm probably biased because I know what an awesome person you are (tell people about Operation Layla if they give you crap, okay?) but I can't imagine anyone being down on you for this. Anyone being stay-at-home in our relationship just won't work because we are B-R-O-K-E and I would not stop shooting for anything right now, but I'm so sick of people thinking that just because something's not right for them, it's wrong. Good for you for putting this out there.
Thank you for writing this. I'm amazed at how much hostility there can be toward military spouses who don't work. Google "dependapotamus" if you need any proof. I'm currently a SAHW but have been looking for a job for a couple months now at our new duty station. It's hard, but I'm trying to enjoy all the perks of being home while it lasts. I like that I can take care of errands and cook a proper meal and work completely around my husband's schedule. The military does make you appreciate time with your spouse a bit more because they're gone often enough; you want to have as much time with them when they are home.
I totally understand that feeling. I to wanted to stay at home with the hubby because he deployed for 8 mos out 5-6 mos home then back out again. The thought of having a job, and lets say I took anything even being a cashier at some local walmart, store etc, I could not care the thought of this. " The hubby calls and I can't take the call because i'm waiting on some customer in line. Oh sorry I would not care who was in that line because the hubby comes first and that phone call well you never know when it might have been the last. So my being who I am, would leave the customer standing there and answered my phone no matter what , who, or what.
I haven't worked for 7 yrs now, I love being here for him at the drop of a hat and not being hung up on " women have to work now". I'm glad I don't it gives me a ton of time to devote to my husband, I guess be the old fashion kind of wife. We to have no kids and I don't think we want any.
Who wants to bring kids into a world like this .
Good luck to you, and don't worry what other people think of you working or not. You need to care about what fits you and your husband's life, if he's ok with it and your ok with it who cares what " so called perfect society thinks" when you get my age you could care less what most of America thinks.
As long as you two are happy, be happy. You get to give him more of your time with no distractions,
You get to devote your whole being to him, and he will see the difference of a wife who cares and devotes herself to him and not some job because society says women need to work today. ( they sort of do if they want nice things in life and have kids) but no kids, you got it made, and it's proven most couples who have NO Kids are happier long and more often. I'm glad we don't have any.
We can pick up and leave when we want, don't have to worry about some kid, balling and crying, there's no extra cost involved when we travel. It's just way nicer with no kids.
Good luck to you. Oh if your feeling teh want to work , maybe try an at home job. There is a great site called the rat race rebellion, they have awesome information, one of the owners is ex military himself.
maybe you can check it out at some point.
Always the best content from these pdroiiguos writers.
Remind people of this, when you drive TWO cars, it cost double if not triple in gas, everything is double the cost, so actually if he makes ok money, then the cost might be a little less in the long run. Eeeh just a thought. My hubby has been in almost 20 yrs soon to retire. I'm going to miss the military life and his job i'm again glad I stayed home the entire time. I can't help but say it again. Who cares what society thinks you do what you want to do where your hubby is concerned. I have everything I've ever wanted , couldn't want for more and that's just on the hubby's pay so we make it just fine. We don't rent we own, we have enough to do things, go places, we have four pets those are our kids LOL.. Youll be fine I think stayin at home and maybe working is the best deal, plus u save on gas LOL.
I'm a stay at home Marine wife. We don't have children, and I put our home and time together first. I worked here and there, but employers never understand why you are requesting so much time off, and don't understand the lifestyle. I've done three deployments, during which I volunteered, so if he called I could answer. I think being a SAHW has been a wonderful experience. The thing that bothers me now, is that my husband is at a unit where the wives have never done a deployment, and don't understand why I don't work, so they isolate me. I wouldn't change my life for anything. :) Great article, it's nice to know that other people can relate. :)
I'm a new stay-at-home wife. I was a former Army Officer and decided to get out. One of the MAJOR reasons I got out was because my husband (then boyfriend/fiance) was in the Army and we were in a long distance relationship for a long time. I, like you, am afraid of being trapped in a job and unable to spend time with him when he has that time available. I am doing some freelance/contract work and I'm excited at the prospect of opening a business from home. The best of luck to you! I completely understand.
Thank you so much for writing this! I feel so much better now :D.
I was a stay-at-home wife for the first 8 years of our marriage. Well, I had various small jobs: a few hours homeschooling an elementary schooler, a knitting teacher, a sub-contractor at ACS, etc. And one year I had a "real" job. But mostly I was at home. I too could "blame" living in five duty stations in five years, but really, I just don't have career ambitions. And now that I have a one year old, I feel less bad…but others are right, it's really nobody's business!
I used to like to jokingly call myself a trophy wife! (It's funny because I don't wear make-up and spend most of my time in sweatpants.)
A Beautiful Song speaking of the sacrifice of our U.S. Military Families. Check out the new single "Timberline" by Summertown and the video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fGXANzMMbA
I am A sahd DAD.
Wow, I'm sorry, but really?
Not only is education not relevant here, but how about FREE education isn't available for ALL spouses. I have no problem going to work, but my husband wants me at home. It is a HUGE shift for almost all of us who do leave our careers to support our troops. Working 40+ hour weeks in the medical field and being a wife was draining on both of us. Looking for a job every two years? It's draining. If your husband makes enough money for you to support him emotionally, mentally, and by putting the food on the table that his money buys, then so be it. Take your rudeness somewhere else.
I'm an stay at home wife in addition to being an artist and I've gotten a lot of flack for not working outside the home since we don't have children (yet), but DH has always been so supportive, which is helpful especially when he was the only one! So for now I am a stay at home Megan ;)
I was a SAHW after we PCS'd – at first, because we knew he would deploy soon (6 months of lunch dates, movies, and much-needed time together) and then after he deployed, different family members came to spend a week or so for vacation, then a few months later- R&R. After that- the property management co. of the rental we were in decided to sell the house, so I had to find a house, pack, and move. It ended up being more than a year staying home. After 20+ years working, some days I felt like I wasn't contributing. I recently found a part time job, but now I'm wondering what will happen when my husband gets home from deployment. Before accepting the job, I made sure they knew that I would be taking time off when he gets home…………I'm just hoping that they will not make me choose. My time with my husband will definitely be the winner!
Our time together is so valuable. We don't get to count on having our spouses home night after night, so if you can afford to stay home and you are both happy with the decision- then don't let anyone else make you feel bad about it!
I am a Stay-At-Home mom. My son is not my husband's. I was alone in raising him for 3 years and worked non-stop for two employers to keep a roof over his head. I hardly ever saw him and felt like he was being raised by his babysitter(whom was an absolutely amazing woman). When I married my husband he told me that the cost of childcare around any base would make it almost pointless for me to work at all. So, I have stayed at home for 2 years now. At our last base I babysat other military children. I LOVED that, but now for the past two months it has been so peaceful. Our son will start Kindergarten here in Augusta, but the employment choices aren't very comforting for me. Most conflict with when he gets out of school. And we all know, I have to deal with that because my husband can't just ask the military to let him go get his child and take him back to his security clearance needed office. A paycheck and a sense of helping my family out would be nice. But, I doubt that this will happen. No employer that I know would allow me leave days to take whenever I needed to. And, for those last minute deployments and TDY's I would have no way to get out of work to cope with them. Oh, and I would still have to deal with summer's when my son would be out of school.. So, I would be making money for 10 out of 12 months a year. And, the top reason for not working is that orders drop so often that I don't want to have a mile long resume of places that I have been employed briefly. That would look terrible. Decisions, Decisions, Decisions…
Wow, I think the point of the article has been lost in this response. I believe this article is helping a community of military spouses out there know they (we) are worthy people even though they don't fit the typical cookie cutter lifestyles set in the civilian world. Being a military spouse for 12 years I've seen a different array of support and unsupportive spouses through our many moves and transistions. I will have to say this is the very first article I've read that has made me feel I'm enough and aokay. Being a childless military couple puts us out on the sidelines, and then if your not working on top of it puts loads of judgement upon you especially from our so called military family. NEXT…
Part 2 During my career, my job became my number one priority which my time off requests never coincided when my husbands deployments returns. I missed opportunities to go to Hawaii, or just long extended time off periods to be with my spouse. I regret that. Now my husband is retired,diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression.Our relationship and his well being are now my priority, but…..I could have been more supportive and instramental in his well being prior to all of this if I would have been fully engaged in our relationship and not allow my job to take over my focus of what is truly important. Being lazy isn't the issue here, it's being engaged as to what is important and to try and be understanding of other people's choices as to what is best for they're family.
I'm already perfectly educated. Don't need nor want a job outside the home. My husband gets 30 days leave a year. What job would give me that? None in my career field. I'm looking forward to my children getting older and me being able to go with my husband on his TDY's. I don't know anything about the FREE education you mention but nothing is free so I'm willing to bet there are lots of stipulations. From your comment it sounds to me like you would like to be in the authors position. I can't think of any other reason you would be so angry at someone who has made a choice different from yours.
I feel like I wrote this myself! I am even going to Italy in 10 months. See you there :)
That's so great! I would love to know where in Italy you're going if you don't mind sharing! We'll be out there in a bout three months :)
Most stay at home wives are lazy and are nothing but drama queens. Always in other people's business with plenty of gossup. (especially in base housing) Stop all the complaining about nothing and get a job. Military families always complaining about not having enough money yet wives are sitting at home doing nothing. Nobody is burned out from washing a few dishes everyday and making a couple beds.
i went right into a job b/c i felt i had too. now after 2 years i'm finally quitting. but we also have an unplanned 9 month old to take care of now. i'm fortunate that my husband has always been supportive. but saturday that i went to work and he was home killed me. i think if you can make it work so that you dont have to work and can be available to your husband, you should. they need all the support they can get from us.
I am so glad I read this. My hubby and I met in the military and got married. It was so draining to be dual military that it was negatively affecting our our marriage from the start. When given the chance to separate at my 9.5 yr mark I jumped at the chance. I had a great position as a military instructor and could have done well if I continued but I wanted to focus on my marriage and complete my degree. I had every intention of starting a business when I was done with school but desire for that began to disappear. I am a stay at home mom now (after being a SAHW for 5 years) and I still have people wondering what I do all day. I find myself somehow explaining why I wasted my degree and why I am not putting it to use with a "real job". I love taking care of my military man and seeing my daughter grow and learn as she reaches 18 months. I am thankful that I listened to my heart and not the voices that tried to guilt trip me into following another path. Thanks for your post and all of the positive comments. I don't get this very often:-)
Hello, I have mostly worked as a wife, despite having 6 kids. I am a nurse and have a civil service career I hope to retire from. i wont lie, it would be great to stay at home more, but our circumstances require a second income, and it also completes the person that I am. I try to work creative schedules to max my time with the kids and husband when I can. I had a large family and together my husband and I support them. We also get to have a few nice extras we wouldnt have otherwise(a retirement home in Kerry Ireland and lots of fun trips). I think its an individual choice for everyone.
LOVE this post!! I completely identify with all of you!! We are in the process of a move very soon and my husband asked me to stay at home to focus on school and be available to him on his schedule. For the past three years, I have worked full-time and have not always had the most flexible schedule. We have been planning and saving for me to stay at home for months. It is finally going to work out. When it was mentioned in a skype conversation that I am going to school full-time and not work when we move, his family came unglued! They did not understand why I could not work (especially when we have no kids)! Luckily, DH stood up and explained that he wanted me home, especially with the second deployment looming… Stand your ground and be proud that you can be a completely available SPOUSE which can only help your marriage!! :)
Hello All,
Well, my amazing husband of five years and best friend is in the midst of OCS between Camp Mabry and Camp Swift, Austin/Bastrop, Tx. We are in our early thirties, me turning the big 30 this November, both working on degrees, him prior military, raising our beautiful two year old son, and working opposite schedules to make ends meet. So to say the least, we are very busy and see very little of eachother. Upon commission, fingers crossed, and after extensive discussions, we plan on going active. I've been searching and reading blog after blog and site after site, about what to expect as a new military wife. I desperately want to be a SAHW/M for an undetermined amount of time, should our plans go accordingly. …(continued below:)
We work so hard now and pass like ships in the night, that when this change in life occurs, I want to be at home, cooking for my family, cleaning my home, having the time to put towards my creative outlets, which have fallen by the wayside for years now. I think it sounds wonderful to be able to care for my family and build a foundation wherever and whenever we go over the years. I greatly appreciate your thoughts and those of everyone else. I've read all the posts and everyone here has a unique and diverse background. This proves the point that not all SAHW/M are thumb twiddling soap opera die-hards. Any further comments, thoughts and advise on the military life are greatly appreciated! Thanks Y'all :)
Since my husband's last deployment ended in February, I've been enjoying being a stay-at-home-wife. We've spent the last 2 years apart and I thought it was best for our us if I stayed home and devoted my time to him and our marriage. I don't just sit around either…I'm study for the GRE, I volunteer, hit the gym and spend time with friends. I would love to stay at home from now on, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel guilty about not working. I don't know if it's society or the feminist movement, but even though I enjoy being at home, it bothers me for some reason. Our income really took a hit too and it is nice to have a second income even if I just worked part time. After our next 2 moves coming up in 2012, I plan to go back to school and then work part-time as we start our family. I applaud the women out there who can have the full time job and be an awesome wife and mother, but I know I'm not wired that way to do it all. Our spouses and family need all the support they can get.
I'm a 27 year old, with 2 bachelor degrees and a masters and I'm a SAHW too. I dated my husband for 4 months, was just married 3 months ago and my husband has been in Korea for the last 2 months. Because of the time difference, it is really hard for us to talk so we decided it was best for me to not have a job so we can skype date all day on Fridays (his Saturday) and when he gets home at night (which is very early in the morning here). I also am getting to fly over for a few weeks around Christmas (yeah!) and was thinking of the same problem of having a boss deny me vacation time to see my husband. None of my friends are in the military or know anybody in the military so they don't understand why it's so important for me to make as much time for us as possible. I was starting to feel guilty for being (and liking to be) a SAHW so thank you for writing this. I am glad there are other SAHW like me and you truly helped relieve my guilt.
I have been a full time high school teacher for the last five years. My fiance and I are getting married in January, and I will be moving to where he is currently stationed in Missouri. In March, we will be PCSing to Kansas. I plan to apply to grad school there for the fall, but he will be getting deployed in September, so until then I will be staying at home and spending as much time as possible with him. With the moves, there is really no way that I could have a full time job now, but after grad school I anticipate that we will be trying to get pregnant, and I definitely will not be going back to work with a baby. He is an officer who makes enough to support us both and is very supportive of me staying home during this transition and later when we have children. My only concern is going from being totally independent to feeling as if I am spending someone else's money. I also am a little nervous that he thinks this is okay now, but in practice, he will resent me for it.
I am a 23 year old Navy SAHW, no kids, and no plans for kids for another 2-3 years. I have been working since I was 17, and have been working since my hubby I started dating. We have been together for almost 3 years now, and the money I have brought in does not compare to the many lost opportunities. A month after we got married my husband left on a four month deployment, came back for a week, and left again for 6 month schooling in San Diego. I submitted my leave request for work months in advance, only for it to be shortened to a week despite it being leave without pay. My husband is now on a eight month deployment and is only able to call once or twice every 45 days when they're in port and due to them being in the Middle East we are in opposite time zones. He is only able to call when I am at work; it breaks my heart every time I can't pick up his calls because of a client. You would think that my employer, being the Department of Defense, would be more understanding but obviously it is what it is.
My husband and I, having no debt (aside from his car loan) and both being responsible spenders/savers, have NO problem living on one income–we still manage to transfer $2,000+ into savings accounts every month. We decided that once he returns from this deployment, that I will leave me job and focus on him and in going back to school.
I just wish people (mostly my mother and other women) would be more understanding. Even if my husband wasn't in the military, our decision of me not working is strictly our own business. I don't know why other people are so quick to judge other people's choices and lifestyles.
whoops, i mean *soon-to-be-SAWH ^^
my husband has worked "offshore for months at a time. After working and raising children during that time, I am staying home now after 16 years. When he was home, I was at work. People always make comments that make me feel "less than." My husband and I's relationship is different than some today. Our money is together, and we share all work. I don't sit around and do nothing. I try to supplement money by sewing and making other things, I am going to be going back to work on my bachelor's degree soon. So why do I let people make me feel guilty?
I agree with you, Jacqueline. I'm a stay at home wife…people judge me often because of that. It is a sad reflection of society when women are judged for not working outside the home.
As to feminism…I was a Women's Studies major in college and I believe that some feminists have no concept of what it is all about. Feminism is about accepting that every woman is an individual and realizing that we all make different choices in life. I don't expect everyone to agree with my choices, but I also don't think that other people should look down on me because I'm not some high-profile career woman. I admire women who work outside the home, whether by choice or necessity, but that isn't what I want for myself. We are all different.
My husband has a friend whose wife is a SAHM. I think she is a wonderful mother and she does a terrific job of raising her girls, but her judgmental attitude bothers me. She keeps asking me if I'm looking for a job. There is this underlying assumption that if you are a stay at home wife without children, you SHOULD be forced to get a job because you have no excuse to stay home. I guess having kids is an excuse for some people then? It just seems like people who make negative comments are either jealous or clueless.
I suffer from anxiety and depression but I still try to make sure my home runs smoothly and my husband is happy. I don't sit around doing nothing all day. Once again, I agree with you and all the other ladies here. I'm thankful that some people are in the same boat because you guys understand what it is like.
I have loved my husband for over 25 years. almost 25 of those have been while he served in the Army. He was Enlisted and then moved over to become an Officer. I will encourage you to work while you can. If writing is your passion, then pursue that. Do whatever you can to busy your mind and contribute to the household income. I say this because the battle's that our soldiers fight are not easy and they come home war torn and often have different perceptions of what they need and want. Often, no matter how much you are there for them, support them, love them and cheer them on… their view of you and life will change and you will be left..like me.. hurt.. and all the years of love and support thrown away for someone else..who has more to contribute to the pot! Watch out for yourself… protect your family, your spouse, make sure he has the right people to talk to and make sure you ask the hard questions that will ensure a life of love.. long after he has been able to think through the battlefield. My marriage to my husband was the greatest love of all, one of those that you read about in a book or see on a movie screen. Love that endures all… except now… there is no cure for the unknown battle. Enjoy love, enjoy life, and don't compromise too much on what you want, just because it might be better for someone else. Remember who you are..not only as a military wife, mom, battle buddy, or FRG leader.. but remember who you are as a woman.. and take care of you first. Ultimately if you can't do that… then somewhere along the line… you will wonder who you are… and where you left you. Hopefully you can find her… but.. sometimes.. there is a lot of back tracking to pick up the pieces and move on. Love is great, it is without a doubt the best feeling ever. Keep hold of it.. but never lose sight of you! Thank YOU for your service to our country as a military spouse.. it is a Blessing and I wish many blessing on you and your soldier!
hey! I'm not a military wife, but am a partial SAHW working part time, I enjoy the lifestyle, and hope you do as well.
We live in a very feminist society and that is great, but the whole point of that movement was to give women the choice to stay home or have a career. This is your choice and it's what makes your relationship work that's important. I've been with my husband for 4 years and we've been physically separated more than we've been together (as I'm sure is the case with most of us military spouses). I work odd jobs when he's away, but when he's home…all I want to do is spend every possible minute with him. I don't feel bad about this decision, but I do at times feel the pressure by society and comparing myself to other successful women in my life. And that's the problem right there…what makes us an individual is not by having a successful career or "our own money." It's by living our life the way we see fit and not caring what others think.
Before I married my military husband (then Bf) I was working 2 jobs.. one full..and the other part time. It was a hectic lifestyle..hanging out w/ friends, catching lunch dates w/ sisters/friends, paying rent, bills etc… but i liked it that way. It kept me busy and from thinking too much about how I hated my boyfriends decision lol. I saved my money to go see him, he even payed once so I can come to him after 4 months have flown by. well more like…SLOWLY ticked by.. it was horrible..i felt like our relationship was gonna go downhill because I didn't get to see him.. he lived many states away… plane tickets so expensive… and here I was able to see so many other guys/girls..but not the guy I really wanted to see. Finally we made a decision to marry. After a good month after I moved to OKC.. oh dear Lord..what have I done..this place is horrid..for someone who has been her whole life in a beautiful landscaped place where everyone seems so nice.. I come to this flat dry land.. where every person my age is a pain in the ass… And I wonder …how will I have friends?? I had came across many girls my age and let me just say…Since I live around the big college here… I guess that's why… they are all slutty.. and probably single or in a relationship..idk! But Im married and its difficult for me to have friends that don't take a relationship seriously. Most would be like..what were you thinking..tying yourself down with a guy. Sigh… After almost a yr here.. I still have like no friends.. I have 2 families I know of but we do not hang as much. I feel even my family back at home doesn't understand my life now…
We have one car…My husband needs it for work and he constantly has different hours so he doesn't want me to get a job especially because I won't have transportation back home or to work. I understand that bc the crime here is so high. On the news they are talking about girls who are alone and get raped… or get stolen and are sex trafficked.. crimes around my home where ppl are breaking in and stuff… I have never even heard of these crimes back at my hometown bc things like this never happened!
SO here I am… No kids… Stay at home wife… I can't get a job bc I don't know anyone I can trust.. Husband has the car… I try to occupy myself with cleaning, planting, trying to get in college… etc.. I just feel like my life went from happy awesome life and me to no good boring no life me.. it sucks.. does anyone else feel like that or can relate? I just feel so lonely…and most of all..i want to leave this place.. I wish my husband can be moved somewhere else.. I can't even explain how horrible this city is. And i dont even like the city. :/
Hey Jess, Im a stay at home wife too, Im taking online classes and run a small volunteer organization but I dont work a 9-5 nor do I work any part time position. My husband and I are fairly young 23 and 24 and my husband has been blessed with a very successful career path. We just built our first house and we are really enjoying that as well. I worked part time for about a year and then we decided it ouwl be best for me to quit and just stay home so that I could focus on school. Its been an extreme blessing to me! Even though I dont have children I stay plenty busy around our new home (gardening, cleaning, decorating, cooking, hosting) and my husband takes joy in seeing that I am able to enjoy things I like, such as volunteering more and spending time with and helping family and friends. I cannot wait to have kids, BELIVE ME! But I am appreciateive of this lifesytle Ive been afforded and I wish more women had the opportunity as well!
While, I realize that this is an old post I have to say I am so fortunate to have come across it. I am a career woman, and have been since my husband and I met. I have worked two jobs, and have often also balanced that with finishing my education. Being a nurse often means working weekends (which of course is often the only time my husband gets any time off of work), holidays, and of course constant denial of vacation time or requests for time off that coincide with my husband's duty schedule. It has been a very frustrating few years. I work overnights, and we get to sleep in our bed together maybe once or twice a week if we are lucky. Most days it is a quick dinner together, and then a pass through the door. With another upcoming deployment (#5 to be exact) it has just gotten to be too much. I was often in tears leaving the house. Walking through the door at work often felt very similar to being suffocated.
So, we talked about it and came to the decision that I would leave my current job, until one comes along that will give me a better opportunity to make our marriage a priority. In short, we have spent the better part of the last three years apart and as we come closer to saying our goodbyes for another 10 months the idea of not being home the same weekends he is, not being able to take any extra time off before he leaves just became too heartbreaking.
It was a gutwrenching choice for me. I began to question my worth, b/c I have always been so career driven and we also do not have kids (due to unfortunate circumstances in my health.) I sat there and thought: how clean could the house really get? What am I going to do when he is gone on a long day or int he field? While all of that still bothers me, and I would love to luck out and find a M-F 9-5 job, without holidays..it has become evident that making my marriage a priority is something that will pay off in the long run. I am never going to be able to get this time with him back, and at this point we have sacrificed enough of "our" life that this is a sacriice I am making for a while.
I'm a Navy wife as well, and I stay at home even though I do not have children. I've begun blogging about it here: http://stayathomewifeandwriter.blogspot.com/ Do you know of any other blogs for stay at home wives? We are an ostracized group and it is unfair!
I'm a stay home spouse as well and I love it. We were in Germany, now @ West Point . Enjoy! …..