I am a little lost. No, not just with moving, but with being “out in the open.” The past two moves we have called a base “home,” and living off base and away from the military has me feeling a little exposed. Hope I have my good undies on….
Base is a safety net when you move; people around you have similar backgrounds and stories. There is also the fact a huge fence and a 24-hour guarded gate separates you from the big bad world. In a public neighborhood, it is a crap shoot. The nice man living next to us may/may not have a criminal record. What about security systems…do we get one or not? Where are the MPs? Whose kids are those? Where do their parents work? And how about names? Sure is nice to have last names listed on the outside of houses. Need to start working on my memory!
The first time we moved off base was into the Land of Closed Garage Doors. It would have been a ghost town if not for our immediate next door neighbors who happened to move in the same week as us and were, guess what, military. When my oldest son began kindergarten, he was the only military kid in a class of eighteen. When my husband deployed, he was the only one at the time and I had no one to (complain) commiserate with about everyday stuff. Was this how it would be again?
Luckily, it seems the odds are in our favor. We have received bread, lots of cookies, wine, a plant and peaches straight from South Carolina from welcoming neighbors… Don’t know if they are truly friendly or just thankful we moved in and the previous owners moved out, but a wonderful display of hospitality has me warming to the idea of living off base once again. Also seems just about everyone has a tie to the military; either currently active duty, or are retired. Not feeling so exposed anymore. Everyone who has greeted me knows exactly what I am going through right now and has extended offers of help and information. Information which is much needed if I am to get my two boys into a sports program and out of the basement. The school reassured me there is normally about eight military kids per classroom. Things are looking better and better.
But I’m still missing the tight-knit, close relationships formed by living in our own private gated community. I know, I know… I need to give it time and all the benefits of living out in the world will expose themselves to me. Just feeling a bit like a fish out of water. Hope I turn into an amphibian soon.
How about you? How do you adjust?
photo credit: ghostboy
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I feel ya. We moved off post at our new duty station because the waiting list for on base was, oh, six months. I've not met a single one of our neighbors, I don't know anyone's names and no magic baked goods appeared at my door when we got here. I had all of these things within minutes of moving on post last time. I miss feeling like a part of a community where everyone is in the same boat. Sigh.
Actually I have sort of an opposite experience. I've never lived on post, but of course I've only been an Army wife for a year. Even when the hubster returns from Afghanistan, he'll live on post in Louisiana while I stay in Kansas City. So I blend right into civilian life since it's all I've ever known. But ever since marrying my husband I find myself longing for that same connection to military life, people who know what I'm going through, and the security and comforts of living on a post that I read about from all of you wonderful spouses. I feel like the military is just an "addendum" to my life that I'm somehow distanced from because of where I live, even though it is truly integral to my every decision and action anymore. This whole geographic bachelor/ette thing is … well, bizarre.
I know many couples who geo-batch, especially before kids (I am assuming here that you don't have kids). It is whatever works for you!
Our last duty station was "remote"…and the whole command had EIGHT billets, MAX. It was STRANGE to be away from all military. We were there for 4 1/2 years, in which time I became more and more depressed. No one understood us. No one really befriended us…because we were military and were moving "soon." Those were some of the hardest years of my life.
We moved from there straight into housing in Virginia, and were there for 3 years. Again, strange adjustment after being out of the military community for so long. Now we are still in "the largest military community in the world," but off-base, in a house we are buying. It feels SO strange, though we are still pretty much completely surrounded by military families and retirees.
After 7 years as a milspouse I still find this viewpoint fascinating, mostly because I don't understand it. I find the base claustrophobic. People always seem way too interested in each other's business. I prefer the relative privacy of "living out in town". I don't worry about who is living down the block from me. Most people are good and the truth is the gates and the guns and the guards won't keep bad people at bay. The military is a microcosm of society and there are good and bad people in it. Does everyone around me get military life? No, but that's okay. I don't always get it myself, but I guess I follow the same philosophy I have about my career. I would never marry someone I had to work with because I would never get away from the work related stress. By extension, I need to get away from the obsessing about millife and fill my life with lots of different people, places, things, experiences, ideas, etc.
There are lots of opportunities in the larger community when you give people a chance. Some of my dearest friends, who really were there for me when I needed them, have been non-milfolk I have met along the way. Things will sort themselves and you will find you will evolve to meet the challenges and benefits of life out in town. Good luck :D
Nicely put! Get away from post/base and broaden your mind as well as others! (And get your nose out of MY business!)
I have had great experiences on base and some not so great. I actually find my mind is broadened more by living on base because people get to know you sooner, and so I get to learn about them as well. We don't just talk about husbands and kids, either. Never really experienced the obessing millife, either.
I also like living on base while we have young kids. While not perfectly safe, it is definitely a safer environment for my kids to be kids.
My husband has only been in the Navy for two years and we haven't lived on base, actually this is my first time living at a duty station with him. When we first moved into our house I was scared because I knew no one and I actually wanted the camaraderie I had always heard of by living on base. A month or two after we had moved in, much to my surprise and delight, we met our neighbor across the street. She is a 12 year Navy spouse and has been such a help and blessing. Through her I have met several other neighbors and have formed a community with them. I feel as though I have the best of both worlds, we have a few military families in the area, but we aren't surrounded so I do get away from that when I want it.
I feel the same way.. I've never actually lived out in the big bad city before, and now that we're out here I can't seem to get used to it :( Now they have my hubby working nights and I must admit I don't feel nearly as safe as I used to
Thank you so much for this particular blog. My husband and I have been living out in town for about 10 months and I have not gotten used to it. Reading this made me feel like it's not just me and that I'm not entirely crazy. In fact I have for the first in my life battled a bit of depression, become almost anti social (always been a social butterfly) and definitely don't feel very safe at all. Thank goodness for us that is about to end. We are moving into base housing on Monday and we're both estatic. We've had the absolute worst time with our rental agency, making friends and just getting used to the city life in general. I know that base housing isn't necessarily safe and that the gates, guards, etc doesn't mean that we are truly guarded but I think I'll take the feeling and image of being safe over living in town at least for the time being and in this duty station…all duty stations are different and in the future I may prefer to live in town but in this duty station living on base is definitely a winner for me.
Importing comments from our facebook page:
Monica – I've never had a problem getting know my civilian neighbors. I became heavily involved in the many events and activities our host city provided, which in turn provided me with the opportunity to get to know more civilians…including my neighbors. We shared about our lives and by doing so, the stereotypes that many of them harbored became non-existent. (I always kept in mind that I'm a civilian…but honored with the benefits and entitlements the military provides my soldier).
Robin – No worries making friends in the non-military community. I actually fit in better with them than with other military spouses, usually.
Jennifer – Not in the least bit…we happen to live on a street where 90% are retired military and even though they are not currently in they still know what its like and helped me out a lot through my husbands last deployment…it was even the little things like taking my trash out to the street for me or dropping off cupcakes just to make the kids smile…
Jeffrey – I think, in my experiences with post-Army service, it's been a matter of plugging yourself into the social-scene you feel comfortable in. Like pool? Go to the local pool-hall… Like 'x' type music, find that… Gardening, etc. It's all there, just have to scout it out.
Sharon – I'm an Army reserve wife and the closet base is an air force base so I feel like a fish out of water whn I'm ON base
Tiffany – Quite the opposite for us. I can't stand all the gossiping catty crap that my on base friends talk about. I'm extremely involved in our community through the school and sports leagues. Before I was a wife, I was a woman and my husband's career doesn't define me as woman, wife or mother. It's simply part of my life, not my entire life.
Jessica – I find there are pros and cons to living on and off base. We got lucky this time; we moved to a cul-de-sac off base with mostly military couples and those who arent' military have been here forever, so they're all used to it. And they all happen to be pretty friendly, too! :)
Kris -Yes, I have found it challenging. I live off post because the waiting list is over a year long, and the community does not feel inviting. The base is twenty-five minutes away and I miss my military family :(
Heloise – It has been quite challenging for us with this last move. My husband is attached to a ROTC detachment 5 hrs away from an AF base. The only military members we know here are his co-workers. The small community is quite different to the one we were used to in San Antonio TX, just not as friendly. The friends I have made are 90% relocated families attached to the University. I cannot wait until we move next year, back on a base.
While we were an active duty family when we married, we owned a home off base. I've never lived on a base, but I hear both the good and bad of doing so. However, my husband has been a drilling reservist for the past 14 years and while I miss the friendships and commiserating between fellow military families,it didnt hit home until my husband was mobilized for a year long deployment to the Middle East. I was scared since he is Navy and meant to be on the water and not the sand. We know a couple neighbors, but it is nowhere near how you know your neighbors in an AD community–we are 40 miles from the nearest base. The kids & I had a terrible time finding anyone who actually "got" what we were going through; however, my now best friend across the street are an AD Army family. I'm not knocking those of you in the active duty community, but you have an option to be on base when your spouse is gone, we reserve families don't. We adapt and move on with things. I feel safe where I am, otherwise we wouldn't live here, but I miss being near other people who know what it's truly like to have your spouse gone in a dangerous area for a year and not compare it to a weekend hunting trip.
I have to disagree to some degree about the "safety" on post, as I find it a false sense of safety at best. When we lived on post there were so many people running around that were NOT military-related, due to all the construction work and the privatized housing and it's services. I didn't feel any safer on post than off, at least not stateside. And considering that all anyone needs to come on post is a driver's licence and proof of car insurance, there is no guarantee to a crime- or criminal-free area. And even on post you might be surprised at the number of registered sex offenders around you…
True it is not utopia, but it is definitely safer than many communities. And I know there are people looking out for my kids, too, especially in the housing areas.
Petra
Gee reading your post, I would maybe live under ground if I was you. You think you deserve better then any other americian. ???? you want to be different but then when it comes to pay and benfits you want to compare apple and oranges. your a joke.
I don't quite get your point here? I just pointed out that on-post isn't necessarily as safe as people generally like to think. What does that have to do with me deserving better or being different? Or pay and benefits?
I am hoping you are referring to a different post. And if not, I would love to hear more about how I am a joke. You have me intrigued.
She was referring to ME being the joke…intrigued me as well, though.
I have lived on and off post. I have seen both sides and currently live off post. Right now I hate it. But because where we live is so spread out and schools are horrible, we are living in the country. It is kind of depressing considering my hubby is deployed. Most people just keep to themselves way out here. I do miss the connection with people who are going through the same thing.
My husband and I don’t care for base housing. There are too many rules. We are on recruiting duty now and I can empathize with how you feel about being ‘alone’. When we first moved here I obviously didn’t have a job and so I did a google search for mommy and me classes. I stumbled upon a site called meet up and the rest is history. I now have a whole network of ladies to hang with and my two year old has a bunch of little play mates that he loves spending time with. Not only did it get us out of the house but it forced me to get to know the area because of all of the different places we would meet for play dates. Don’t worry, if you don’t have kids there are all sorts of other groups as well. Just a few of them include excercise groups, sewing groups, knitting groups, and even political groups. If there isn’t one suited for you in your area, I guess its super easy to start your own! I promise you that I don’t work for this group. I know it sounds like I’m trying to sell it to you. Its just that I love the group I’m in so much that I want to share it with everybody that was feeling as isolated as I was. I was not lucky enough to have a street full of neighbors that brought goodies to our door and welcomed us to the area.
It is funny you referred to base housing having too many rules…we thought the same thing until we moved into this neighborhood with an HOA. Good thing we were used to it! Thanks for all your comments.
Sounds to me like you only know about one thing and nothing else. Get your head out of the sand and get about…. those in the military, and those who have ever served, only make up about 4-5% of the population… if you have nothing in common with the rest of society then living on an installation is the least of your issues! (… opps, I means worries… really I do…)
No, I do not only know about one thing. We have lived off base as many times as we have lived on a military installation. The post was more about the unease of switching gears. And since I am one of those that have never served, too, I have many many things in common with civilians.
If you reread the post, you might get my gist.
All the years in the military, we lived on base CONUS one time. Whereas on our tours to Germany, Turkey and the Philippines we first lived off base until quarters were avaliable. In Germany, we were not "on base" where our quarters were located…not fenced in either. We loved living in civilian housing and in our quarters…loved them both. The best of two worlds. In Turkey, we rented downtown for some time before on base housing opened up, we were thankful when we finally got base housing, even if it was that tiny trailer..it was safer! In the Philippines my husband was sent direct from VietNam, no leave between assignments, we got base housing immediately upon the family arrival. Finally back stateside, we were offered base housing but chose not to..we wanted back with "everyone". We were home! Instead of fussing about your insecurities if you're not on base, take part in your town. People are terrific, given the chance. And for gosh sakes, don't bellyache to your husband~~he has a vital job to do!
Wow! You certainly have been all over the world. Gotta say, I am a tad bit jealous…
The post was not intended to fuss and bellyache; it was to present a state of mind. A state of mind that many many other spouses feel each PCS. If you reread the post, you may see that it also shows my impatience at getting into a new life here.
As for bellyaching to my husband, well don't really know what to reply to that one. I laughed and laughed when I read that statement. While he does important work, he alone is not defending our country at the current time, so he is free and clear to hear about his wife's day when he asks. He married me for my resiliency, honesty, and heart.
post housing is not for every one, seems the ones who like living on base are the snoopie ones, man they should do away with on base houseing. just think what the goverment pays these people to run them, all of our BAH… what a joke. Sure we dont pay for every thing but I would pay and live off base then live on base.
Many times the purpose of base housing is cost of living and convenience. Have to agree with you on one point, though…sometimes the BAH sure doesn't seem to fit the house.
And I am amazed at all the snoopie comments…maybe I have been lucky and avoided all that each time I lived on base.
I have to say from personal experience we have lived on and off base both military housing and now we live in our own home "in town" off base and completely away from the "reccommended good neighborhoods." Living on base was nice but the homes were very old, outdated, and infested with rats and roaches, yuck! Living in military housing off base, not gated community, was nice because we were blended with all branches but still among the community and civilian lifestyle. Living completly off base close to only one military family is also nice, because it is our home and we don't have to stay with anyones regulations, and have someone inspect when we pcs! Overall, all of our experiences have been great on or off base but because we have been social and participated in any and all family events and social events. I think every base you go to depends greatly on your attitude towards you new place, "home" for the time being and how you live it up.
I completely agree with you! I, too, have loved when we lived on a base with different branches of the military. Live it up!
Location, location, location. Whether you're on-base or off-base, each location is going to bring a certain something to the deal. We've lived off-base three times in our 20+ year/10 assignments/9 different bases career (not counting those 6 month apartment leases until base housing opened up).
Each on-base living experience is going to be different…some houses are brand new (like the one I'm in now), some need to be torn down (I can think of 3 that I've lived in that fall in this category)…some neighbors are great, some are crazy and annoying…sometimes you want those neighbors to bring over some cookies or offer to watch your kids for an hour, sometimes you want them to leave you the hell alone and stay out of your business…some bases have a Burger King or a Taco Bell or a Baskin Robins, some don't…I could go on…
Each off-base living experience is also dependent on your location (imho). You may live in a military-friendly (many AD, retired) community…you may not (ROTC, recruiting). Even if you're in a military community, your neighborhood may be a totally different story. Northern Virginia is full of military, state department, foreign service, etc., but where we chose to live there were very few to be found. Your kids' school might need all the help they can get and are happy to have to you volunteer….or, it might be a tight-knit, well-oiled machine that already has people in place and doesn't need (or want) you. Your neighbors may bring cookies or their phone number (so even though you don't know anybody yet, you have an emergency contact on that school form)…or you may never see them the entire time you live there.
I don't think we can (or should) categorize our experiences as "good" or "bad", or ourselves as "on-base" or "off-base", when there are so many factors involved. I do think we should make the best of where we are and make that place the best place possible for ourselves and the others that live there. Many of us grin and bear it through those tough locations, knowing it's temporary and as with most things military, things will change…probably because of a PCS!
Well said, Vicki!
Oh my goodness, what is with all of these negative comments? My husband has been in for 19 years and we have lived on base more often than not. Sure the housing doesn't usually fit what you pay for it and the rules are very strict, but I would do it again in a heartbeat! Any housing is what you make it–Bloom where you are planted. If you think you're going to be miserable, you're right. If you think you're going to thrive where you are, you're also right! We don't currently live on base and it's taken me about a year to really get "meshed" into our community. My kids are in school and in sports and I am active at the school and in the community, but it just takes longer to fit into the "non-military" world. On base, we know we're only going to be there a short while and we have to make friends and get involved quickly. It's just not that easy in the civilian world.