It seems like every post I write these days has to do with homecoming, but I guess you could blame it on excitement…or nerves! I am so excited at the thought of having my husband back in my arms and knowing that he is safe once again, but I’m also terribly nervous about the homecoming and the days afterwards. My to-do list continutes to grow and I’m trying to find time to get it all done, even though I have no real date yet to know my deadline. The to-do list includes the typical things like thorougly cleaning the house, hanging the shelves in the bathroom and making room in the closet for my husband’s clothes to fit back in (I kind of took over a bit when he left). And I could stand to pull out that exercise video that I’ve been meaning to use for the past few months too…
But there are also other items relating to the homecoming that have been on my mind lately. I need to determine how many days I can take off of work once he arrives home, as well as what I need to do once I get “the call.” I also need to establish who will take care of the kids when I go to the homecoming ceremony. We are only allowed an hour together before they are whisked away for their demobilization, so we’ve decided not to bring the kids or even tell them that daddy is home yet. It just didn’t seem fair to them to only be able to see their dad for an hour after not having seen him for MANY months, only to have to say goodbye again. That also leads to wondering the best way to reunite the kids with their dad. Do we surprise them? Or do we just tell them?
And how do we welcome him home? Sure I know, with lots of hugs and kisses, which I can’t wait for. But what other things do we do to make it that much more special? I have the fairytale homecoming vision in my mind, but I am realistic and know that is just what it is…a fairytale. But I want it as perfect and memorable as I can make it. I’ve already ordered our “Welcome Home” banner and the kids have been making signs for MONTHS now to put up in our windows. I want to keep things simple for my husband, but still show our excitement and enthusiasm for him being home! So many questions, and it’s getting overwhelming. So I’m asking for advice from all of the spouses who are deployment veterans…
How did you welcome your servicemember home after a deployment?
What did you do for the actual homecoming ceremony, as well as after they came home?
Did you take time off of work to be with them? How much?
Did you take a vacation as a family? As a couple?
Did you have a “Welcome Home” party?
If you have kids, did you surprise them? Is that a bad idea?
I love to hear homecoming stories, so I can’t wait to hear what you all did (or are planning to do) to welcome your loved ones home! Please share and help this homecoming “novice” with your advice!
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Yay for homecoming!!
My husband is in the Army, so it sounds like things are different for your branch. For our homecoming, we knew the date a few weeks ahead of time. The time of the ceremony kept changing, but we knew the day. He also got 72 hours (3 days) off after he came home. The Army does demobilization before the ceremony so that we can just take our Soldiers home right after the ceremony.
For ours, I wore a cute dress and took a friend with me to take photos. A lot of people I know with kids took theirs to the ceremony – but, again, we get our spouses right after the ceremony. They also waited until the day of the ceremony to tell their kids daddy was coming home, which I think is a really good idea. We didn't have any kind of part afterward, considering we only have a few friends who were also coming home and family isn't anywhere near us. Plus, he'd just spent over 24 hours on a plane, so I doubt he wanted any company. For block leave (after deployment leave), we flew to NC to see his family for a week and then came back and had some time to ourselves.
Hope this helps you out some!! Every deployment and homecoming is different, and you'll enjoy it no matter what happens. =)
Thanks for sharing! We are Army National Guard, and from what I've been told the way they are doing our homecoming is very unusual. They have been sending small groups of soldiers home for the last month so they aren't all coming back at the same time. Also, the demob site is an hour away from the airport, so they are doing the ceremony first, then taking them to demob. I don't really like it that way, but I guess no one really asked my thoughts! :) We have a general idea as a date but nothing specific and we've been told that we should get a phone call once our soldier is on the plane, then they will give us the ceremony time/date. I have a feeling it's going to be a chaotic few days! :)
I'm thinking that once he does arrive home after the demob, we probably will lay low for a while and skip a party, unless we do it a few weeks later. Thank heavens he has about a month before he has to go back to his civilian job.
But you are right, however the homecoming turns out I am just thrilled he will be back. Thanks again for sharing!
I’m in the same boat. Hubby’s coming back soon. I don’t know the exact date. He is National Guard as well but he didn’t deploy with his home unit and this is our first deployment. We have six kids and we are a little worried that since he isn’t going through any type of formal demobilization that he will be easily overwhelmed by them. So, I’m going to get him a hotel room for the first night he flies in so he can have at least one night of peace and quiet. Then, he plans on surprising the kids. We just aren’t sure how. I would think going to 4 different schools to surprise them would be extremely over whelming for him. One possibility would be that maybe I’d take the kids out for pizza and when we got to the restaurant they would see dad there. I think we’ll just play it by ear.
My best advice would be not to overplan anything. Both deployments my husband came back not wanting anything planned. His entire day to day had been planned for him for months and he just wanted to do things when he pleased and not because someone told him to. We spend the entire after deployment leave at home together. I think it helped with reintegration because it allowed him to decompress and not feel the pressure of family.
Horray for homecomings!!! And yeah, that's a weird way to do it (we're also guard ) We have demoded in other parts of the country and specifically families were NOT allowed to go and then the ceremony was done all at once when they got back to the home unit – but it doesn't' really matter in the end… it's still just as amazing.
My one biggest thing – forget the to-do list. For the next couple of weeks or day just keep your life as simple as possible. Clean up , sure, but don't have a house that's strange for your soldier to come home to. In his mind, he wants the home he left. He wants everything as it was. So don't work on any major project that he's unaware of. Also, just try to find a calm place for yourself. Reunion is joyous, but it's also stressful. You need to allow yourself the time to mentally focus on the change to your household and you can't do that if you're going crazy with prep.
As for the kids, I am decidedly in the 'no-surprise' camp. I get that you don't want to bring them to the quick ceremony, but aren't they going to realize that you've already seen their father? Maybe when you know the date after demob you can tell them – I'm sure you're going to have to pick him up from somewhere, right? they can have their own little homecoming with him and you'll have time to take lots and lots of pictures! I have THE best pics of my kids greeting their dad. They are priceless to me and to him.
What we do on the day of homecoming – when he finally gets home – a cold beer or two LOL, and his favorite home cooked dinner is always on hand. Though last time all he really wanted was pizza, real genuine pizza from our local pizza place. And we just kept it very very low key. He saw all the families a few days later anyway.
Good luck! And remember, the important part is that your family is back together again. The rest is all just extra.
Air Force wife here…my husband deployed alone, came home alone, no ceremony, no pomp and circumstance. Just a windy day at the airport…
We just did the windy airport thing last night, with 6 kids…but they're 7 to 17…there were others there with younger ones. So far we're not planning a big shindig, but just doing our usual. I did the HUGE to-do list last week, and it went okay…but I was stressed, and wishing I had started on it earlier, instead of waiting to the last minute.
I blocked the entire homecoming window out in my work calendar. Everyone knew that I might not be available then. I knew I'd go crazy if left alone the day before he arrived so I worked until the day of arrival. I made plans to have his sister drive us to the armory. Her car died. My car sounded like a jet was landing in the back seat but it got me there. The official ceremony was the next day, I think. And waaaay too long. I should have driven home instead of letting him drive. He felt like he was speeding whenever he got above 30 mph. He wanted to go to Chipotle and be in his own home. Waiting is hard on the rest of the family, but it's better not to overwhelm the jetlagged.
after doing almost three years in viet nam, and returning home i was lost. all my friends had no intrest
in me any more, my family all gone. i returned to my next duty station, and came home again, after 26
years in the army. all returning vet's need there space, alone time, and remember they came home a different person than when they left. give it time it will work out ok. thanks. jc
My husband is coming home and I didn't plan anything because every time to do things go to hell in a hand basket. And that is the way of life in the national guard. LOL
No ceremonies here either, nor any demob. Just a trip to the base armory to drop off the weapon and then home for a shower, a meal, and sleep. Further appointments in the coming days, but nothing large scale.
I would never ever surprise the kids for the simple reason that they're smart and if mom is running around like a chicken cleaning they know something's up and want to know why. I see videos of kids being surprised at school and the raw, naked emotions on their faces, displayed in public for their peers to see, just kill me. I would never do that to my children. Since I don't know the exact date until a day or so in advance, and the arrival time until maybe a couple of hours in advance, I send them to school (if it's a school day) and tell them I'll pick them up at dismissal or earlier if the plane is coming earlier. And I'm always running behind, flying down the highway, but it always works out.
As far as activities in the first few weeks, I have learned the hard way that for my spouse the more low key the better. Neither one of us wants him driving for quite a while because his reflexes are very honed to dangers. As much as he loves his favorite restaurants, the crowds are too much for him to handle in the first few weeks. We either eat his favorite home cooked meals or go during quiet times so he can relax and enjoy his meal. Same with family-in our home, not in the first week, low key, and relaxed.
The best thing for my spouse is a quick family getaway after the first few weeks-either somewhere to hike or enjoy the outdoors, or someplace we've wanted to go but hadn't been yet. He really misses home, so he'd rather be in his own bed than off on a trip. We do a lot of day hikes once the kids are in school (try to disrupt their routine as little as possible, gives us time alone during the day).
Congratulations!
Last one we got to see him for thirty minutes, then he had to go hand in gear and weapons and be briefed, and then we could finally take him home. I had the house cleaned and the tub ready and fresh linens on the bed and his favorite snack food ready, because that seems to be the pattern with mine, bath, nap, tv and snacks :)) I am so happy for you though, just have fun with it. The best laid plans and all that…and yeah, me, I'd drag the children along, did last time and we were just fine, if exhausted after an 8 hour wait at the hangar In the middle of the night, but the happiness on all faces was worth it :)
I am a 21 year Army spouse and still going. As far as advice on dealing with homecoming, first know that every person and every situation is different. I remember watching a friend who was new to the Army plan her first homecoming. Of course she pulled out all the stops, as did I at the beginning. I told her that in a few years, she wouldn't even pick her husband up at the tarmac if the kids were already asleep and so was she. She harumphed at me at that. Several years later, what I had predicted, came to pass. Why? Not because she was an uncaring wife. In no way was that, or will it ever be true, for her, for me, or for any other spouse. What did transpire however over the years was that it became common place once you've dealt with it so many times in a given year over a lifetime of years. As she became more adjusted to "the life" and self-sufficient, she became less stressed about the reunions. This is more to the point really. No matter how much or what you do, it will never feel like enough and/or never be appreciated enough in relation to your expectations of how the homecoming should go. That being said, I've learned the best things to do to deal with reunions is a)get the children excited and involved, but b)don't go make a huge deal about it. You will be disappointed. Be yourself, stock the house with his favorite foods, do what you need to do for YOURSELF (Victoria's secret), but do not expect that you'll get what you expect. Give your spouse time to really reintegrate. Remember, you didn't leave,he did. Stash your 'honey do" list; save all your stories to tell and family pictures to show. Follow his lead. One of the best things I ever did was to create a welcome home "pass" for my husband. It was a coupon that said however he wanted to play his reintegration would be fine with me. I would make no demands, ask for anything out of the ordinary, or bug him in anyway. However, this coupon was time limited. He had a week, 10 days at the most to get back in the swing of things. Then he would have to rejoin the family. I understand that this approach won't fly for everyone. The service member's experiences are far different than they were when my husband first began deploying. It is just a view from a seasons spouse so take it in that vein and use it as you will. Just be happy and grateful that he/she is home safely and keep your stress for the perfect reunion at a minimum. That way it will go well for everyone one involved.
As the military member on the "other side", I'm the girl who leaves the man at home… I have to say, there is some GREAT advice in the comments above. It really is a complicated thing and so different for everyone. We all look forward to the reunion and would be deeply saddened to look around when everyone else is getting those hugs, kisses and welcome homes… and have to sadly walk to the edge and force a smile, if no one showed up for us. But, truth be told, as much as we want it, many times "pomp and circumstance" is uncomfortable, overwhelming and a bit embarrassing. We went away, many times for a long time, we did a job, we did it together and we did what we had to do. It was how we lived every day. To come home to lights, noise, color, people, parties, stress… Well, it feels like stress to us. Then it hurts your feelings when we seem taken aback or short tempered. Then, it hurts our feelings because we know you really worked so hard and wanted it all to be perfect but we can only deal with it for a short time…
here is part 2… it was too long as a whole.
As much as it sucks, your returning service member really, really needs some decompression time. Yes, they missed you. Yes, they missed the kids, the family, the house. Bottom line, they probably have not been ALONE for one single second since they have been gone. The military, especially on deployments has a tendency to lack personal space. There is no closing the door to take a bath and relax or even to enjoy your alone time on the toilet with a good magazine! NONE. No alone time. Sleep areas are shared, living areas are shared, vehicles are shared… Sometimes you even forget what your own thoughts sound like because it hasn't been quiet enough to hear them. If I could tell you one thing, LOVE them the second they get home, let them know you are there when they are ready and then LET THEM GO. It sounds like the craziest contradiction in the world but if you let them silence what they left, find themselves again, remember what it feels like with YOU, they will WANT to come back. And guess what? This time, they are READY.
and part three…
When I say let them go, I don't mean they can't be there physically with you but perhaps discuss going on with the life you've been living until THEY are ready to re-intigrate. Let them do things that don't make a whole lot of sense to you. Let them sleep 48 hours straight. Let them watch tv/movies/video games until your afraid the system burns out. Let them sit in a bath until the water goes cold. A few times… Don't ask questions, don't get impatient, don't accuse, get your feelings hurt or blame. Let them be… Save those days off for you and the kiddo's till daddy/mommy/significant other is ready to REALLY ENJOY them. I promise you'll ALL feel so much better and enjoy them sooooo much more.
Thanks so much for the insight, makes me feel better for not wanting to go crazy those first days lol…