It happened to me again yesterday: there I was, reading Facebook statuses, and doing everything in my power not to comment to a friend “sorry your husband is leaving – but MINE will be gone when our baby is born. Beat THAT!”
When it comes to life as a military spouse, it’s all too easy to focus on the negative – I’ll spare you a list of possibilities. But it’s when things are legitimately hard and emotionally charged that the real temptation to compare life-challenges starts. Whose deployment sucked more? Whose military hospital experience was worse? Whose reintegration was the hardest? Whose spouse will be gone for the most training days between now and deployment? Whose commander is most unreasonable? Whose commissary trip was the most painful? And the list goes on … and on … and on.
The comparisons have gotten easier with the growth of social media, too. Now you don’t just get to compare your minute-by-minute milspouse misery with the people you see during the day, you can do it with people from duty stations past. And their friends. And their friend’s friends.
The complaints that you or they may have once kept to yourself, all the sudden find an easy, seemingly harmless outlet on the internet. After all, who is going to get hurt if you end every status update with “and my husband is still gone?” … the unspoken subtext of which is “don’t you dare forget I’m miserable.”
There’s nothing wrong with telling your friends and family that deployment is hard or that life does, every now and then, really suck. But constant complaining and misery comparisons do no one any good.
Newsflash: most miserable military spouse does not win – she loses.
The problem with allowing ourselves to make constant comparisons is that it gives us and others an excuse to focus on the bad instead of highlighting the good — for the sake of not only our own sanity but for the sanity of our friends and family. Based on negative status messages alone, those who know nothing of the military life except what they read from our updates could easily be lead to think that it’s 24/7 misery, when we not it’s really not. And those who share the lifestyle can get stuck in that lovely spiral of negativity — a really unhealthy option.
One of my resolutions for this year is to focus on the positive instead of the negative in both online and “real” life. I often felt over the last year that I was all but drowning under my schedule, being a mom, moving twice, family drama and lots of other things. It may sound corny, but this year I want to thrive, not just survive. And part of the way for me to do that is to focus on the positive, avoid the constant complainers and choose to compare only the good.
Next time you see me compare miseries on Facebook, feel free to call me out on it. Can I do the same for you?
About Amy Bushatz
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A few years ago, I chose to quit making resolutions and instead opted for the "One Word" for the year. In earlly January, I begin praying for my "One Word" from God for the year as a way to focus on the positive rather than the negative words that can wreck a whole year. This has really helped me. Maybe it will help others too. For me it is a process and not me choosing one word to work on like a resolution, but rather a process of reflection and enlightenment through prayer. My "One Word" for 2012 is still in the reflection stage… maybe Thoughtful, Thankful, Love, Mercy, Grace, Renewal… we are about 9 months into an Afghanistan deployment and so ready for any of these! Prasing God in the process.
RENEWED…… my 2012 "One Word".
Like Amy's resolution, I will also be focusing on the positive and on restoring all the energy reserves that are depleted during a deployment. Already have a couples retreat in the works for reintegration.
Great post! I think most women are predisposed to a certain amount of griping but as military spouses are gripes tend to be more dramatic!
I once heard a phrase that really stuck with me: "Bitterness is like swallowing poison and expecting someone else to die." Constant complaining leads to bitterness — for the complainer, only. Everyone else just ignores the complaints, and the more we complain, they more they ignore us. I've learned to save my complaints for the times when I truly need help — that way people don't just think I'm "crying wolf."
Complaining grinds your spouse down. It doesn't bring just YOU down… My hubs and I have a rule — no rants may be repeated. Period. Complain? Sure! Complain! Then man up and get over it! You too girls! He's retired, I still work, so he had started waiting until I came in the door to complain about money, gasoline, utilities — once I made him aware of how it feels to get mowed down at the door when all I want is a hug, kiss, put the laptop down and hug the dog! Nevermore…. anymore. Thanks, Rick. :)
So true Amy. Sometimes I catch myself doing the same thing when comparing stories with other mil spouses. Depending on the company, it can be all in good fun. But like you said, seeing repetitive FB updates gets annoying and spreads way too much negative energy. I've actually hidden some friends' updates in my feed because they were nothing but complaints and woe is me. So yeah, I'll call you on it…if you promise to keep me in check too! :)
I didnt complain much during both deployments. Im so used to them because im a navy brat. I knew what to expect. The only thing that really got to me was my husband was gone when i had our son. And the way our son was born. I had a husband sitting in the middle of a war zone scared he was going to lose his son because the hospital red crossed him telling him i had an emergency csec but wouldnt tell him why or how the baby was . It was very hard on both of us but i really believe him the most because there was no way to tell him everything was fine til almost 12hrs later. I will be honest though. I have a hard time feeling sorry for other military wives (in most cases) because i wouldnt want anyone feeling sorry for me nor did i feel sorry for myself.
Gotta put things in perspective…and "hunt the good stuff!" Yup, life in the military can be trying at times…it's not for the faint of heart…but the good times far out weigh the bad…what an interesting and memorable adventure this has been for the past 26 years!!!
This is one of the problems the military has yet to recognize or figure out how to deal with. Back before social media, Skype, and instant communications we relied on mail to correspond with deployed spouses and face to face or phone to talk with other spouses at home base. That meant you didn't waste a lot of your opportunity with whining and complaining. Of course you complained, but you got it out of your system early and then moved on to other things.
Now with things like Skype spouses get to complain directly to the service member while he/she is deployed, something they really don't need when they are in harm's way. Social media allows them to complain instantly and as often as they feel like it which sets up a reinforcing feedback loop that encourages it to continue. The result – far more whining and complaining which is breeding even more.
I don't know what the answer is because these wonderful communications inventions also allow a deployed service member to see his kids' first step sometimes as it happens. What I do know is that the negative side needs to be addressed because things like that tend to quickly outweigh the positive side in my experience.
I agree! We've been in the military for 26 years and I feel like I have "been there and done that". You are right about how technology has changed the deployment experiences. I remember when we only got one 10 min morale call per week! Boy, do I feel like an "old timer". But just because we have the ability to "vent" easily and openly now doesn't mean we should. I see this also bleeding over into OPSEC with spouses revealing all kinds of info on FB that can put them and their military member in jeopardy. The bottom line is "less is more" and a positive attitude goes a long way.
I agree totally! I'm a male AF spouse of 11 years and my wife seems to get deployed just in time for all the holidays which just included or 18th anniversary.This time i made it an absolute mission to be positive and proactive! I work at the club and have 3 kids at home 18 14 and 4 the Germany baby! LOL! It seems that when people find out my spouse is deployed for these times they automatically give me an opening to complain and be miserable?"oh it must be so hard huh?" instead of saying yeah it is, because it has been! i just say no not too bad! and it gets dropped. I seriously have strived to make all the holidays and such as good as possible for the family including my wife.i havent always done this! and boy is this deployment going by alot faster and happier!
Oh! and i have made it practically mandatory that i don't complain about day to day things she's helpless to help me with here.She has enough on her plate every single day there.
When i meet a spouse that has an issue with everything from how many deployments her Soldier has been on, the boss, the Army, the unit, the other wives, the school, the housing.. i wonder if that person has ever thought that perhaps the problem is really just them.. Their poor attitude and unreasonable expectations are the problem…They often forget they are preaching to the choir… we have ALL had our soldier miss Birthdays, graduations, anniversaries, moved our high schooler to 3 different schools…etc… i have never once felt sorry for my husband, my kids or myself… trust me your kids will be better off if YOU as a parent have a better outlook and stop complaining about the Army way of life.. it is a great way to live but it is up to YOU to make it enjoyable…
I just had a question and was not sure if you had the answer to it, my husband is currently deployed and today he was told that there is now only a 6 month dwell time in between deployments and that deployments were going to be between 12-15 months long. I was just confused by this because I thought that this had recently been changed to 9 month deployments and 1 – 2 years of dwell time. Thank you for your time.
you are correct it did change to 9 month deployments and 1-2 years dwell time. However, if he was deployed before 01 JAN 12 then he will still finish his 12 month deployment. the dwell time has not changed it was always 12 months unless waived but will possibly increase for future deployments as of 01 JAN 12.
I think there is a big difference in sharing your experiences and a self induced pity party.
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As Military Spouses, I agree it is inappropriate for "junior-high-locker-room-esq" conversations dominated with a competition for who's got the most milspouse merit badges. I've had a baby on the phone. I've had a baby via skype. My husband is deployed. My husband is deployed again. We're all part of the club and it's our job to reach out and hug each other when someone is having a tough day. We're a family – we have our dysfunctional moments – but we still need to stick together.
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That being said, I do feel that there is some merit and value to those who have experienced quite a lot during their acquaintance with the military. I wrote about my husband being deployed for 48 months since 2003 on my blog today. I wasn't whining. I was sharing my story. It is my blog.
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Would I be a good resource for deployments with small children? I've learned quite a bit.
Do I know anything about how to help teenagers cope? Not a clue.
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We all have something to contribute through our experiences… So like you said – the question really boils down to – Are you going to choose encourage someone in need? or waste everyone's time with stories about how miserable you are?
Oh…I haven't even read the post yet…too busy laughing at the title.
Thank you for the sacrifices you, your spouse, and family are making for all of us. Your spouse and you are true heroes.
Because military personnel are often away from their families for long periods of time, I am participating in Operation E-Book Drop. I want to make my ebook, A Spy At Home, available for free to military spouses as well. The story revolves around a retired CIA agent, with a wife and a disabled son, who comes to understand what he missed during his many years of service out of the country. (You can see a longer synopsis of the book on the Amazon page at http://amzn.to/rYD4ZW.)
If you would like a free copy of this ebook, please message me on FB at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Joseph-M-Rin… and I will send you a discount code for downloading the book free from Smashwords, or if you send me your email address, I will forward the ebook directly to you in whatever format you prefer (pdf, doc, html, mobi).
Joe Rinaldo, Author
Omg this is so true! And I couldn’t agree with the topic more! I am always so annoyed when I see FB post about how miserable they are! And then the worst are the people who comment on it and just feed the poor me post. As if they are the only one who husband is deployed or with kids. I think the worst was during the holidays. I came across a post on how horrible the holidays would be with out their husband. I know the holidays are rough when they are gone but I felt like it was so insensitive. Especially to those who’s husbands or daddys are never coming back and even to the guys over seas spending their holiday being shot at. I mean come on count your blessings! He’s alive and you get to spend your holiday with family or friends! Quit your whining! Lol GRRRRRRR lol but thankfully mutual fellow wife’s posted positive post on how they were dealing on getting through the holidays. So I guess those kind of wives are always gonna exist. Thankfully I know I’m always gonna look on the positive side! ;)
My husband has been deployed since last March and it is our first deployment. With that saying, we agreed to go into this deployment with open minds. We are both very positive people. When my friends and family tell me they feel sorry for me, I ask them why? Because of people like my husband, we have a country with many freedoms and oppotunities and I couldn't be more proud of him. Sure, it isn't easy but we knew deployments would be inevitable for us. When he comes home to me, our relationship will be that much more strong. I agree with a lot of people in the above posts. Any military spouse that focuses only on the negatives should take a step back a look around them. As military spouses, we need to stay positive and cope with the deployments with an open mind and open heart. I'm not saying to not complain, because we need to sometimes; however, we shouldn't forget all the great things in our lives either….especially the moment when we get to embrace our husband (or wife) again!