Somebody is getting schooled about military life. This week a young Army spouse in Vermont wrote a post on her personal blog about how National Guard spouses are not Army spouses. Big mistake. Huge mistake. And everyone is rolling in on her—bloggers, Facebook, Twitter. I’ll bet her husband’s boss gets call after call today. (See Amy’s take on it here.)
But don’t think for a minute that the young wife is the only one getting schooled. You are getting schooled. I am getting schooled. When people roll in with this kind of emotional intensity, , everyone is getting schooled about what is appropriate behavior in a military spouse. I am not sure I like this at all.
Sure, the first lesson learned is easy: Don’t mess with the National Guard.
The second lesson is not that hard either: Don’t hang intraservice rivalries out in public. There is now and has always been rivalries between the services. There are rivalries inside each service for money or mission or glory. The thing is that rivalries—like sibling rivalries– are so ugly and unresolvable. Good to know that.
The next lessons are the ones I am finding hard to swallow. Yes, the Vermont wife said some outrageous stuff. But read the Vermont wife’s original set of chastisements. Read the comments. Read the husband’s defense of his spouse and all the flack on Facebook. Sift through all that and you start hearing messages that are said yet unsaid:
Good military spouses are chaste, but sexy.
Good military spouses don’t think they are actually PART of the Army.
Good military spouses support (read: don’t complain about) their service member’s career.
Good military spouses are quiet.
Obey the rules, Little Girl, or someone will fry your husband.
That is the part that gets me. Because who wants to be part of that? Who wants to always be virginal and kind and quiet and last? Who wants their life to be played as a supporting role to someone else’s main character? Who wants to be part of a community with so little tolerance for the learning curve?
I do not see how cultural rules like that build a community of strong, independent, fully-functioning families. This is a story about being schooled. This is a story about how military spouses can learn to hate the military—which really is the best way to end a military career.
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Great post! I totally agree with you.
I agree that she does need a mentor. And what's really sad here is that she isn't on a traditional Army Post, so really does not have the support that she needs and deserves from her community. So to lash out at the only support she may have is just stupid. On your article Jacey, I can't stand when a military wife (regardless of the branch) wears her husband's rank. I am not in the military, I do not need to only "speak when spoken to". We military wives survive and thrive on the fact that we are independent thinkers. We can move mountains if somebody asked us to! Nobody puts a military spouse in the corner!
I love your posts! I have never known many "quiet" military spouses. I wouldn't me if I didn't speak up!
I think what she needs is a mentor, someone to help her see what this life is all about!
As our Commandant says, "Family is the one that you were born into, sworn into, and married into." I think that as a family we can do a better job of lifting one another up and supporting each other through every experience that we encounter.
I did read her original post and her revised one. She mentioned that it was how she felt. Well….she should have stood by what she said however misguided it was. She shouldn't have blocked comments!!! She should accept everyone else's views as she wants us to accept hers! She is young and hopefully her veiws will change! And as Teresa said above," I am not in the military, I do not need to only "speak when spoken to". We military wives survive and thrive on the fact that we are independent thinkers. We can move mountains if somebody asked us to! Nobody puts a military spouse in the corner!" She said it best right there! This young blogger thoughts just paints military spouses in a bad light! I really hope she grows from this, I really do.
As usual Jacey with a different perspective, thank you for always sharing another side of the story, or another way to think about the story. I already commented on the blogger's misguided but perfectly entitled opinion on FB, so here I just want to say you rock Jacey in helping us look further than the surface!
No one has said that spouses are supposed to keep quiet, but there is a time and place for certain opinions and the internet isn't always it. Does anyone remember an incident that occurred several years ago when a Commanding Officer's wife was basically banned from the unit because of what she said and did was detrimental to morale? When we represent ourselves as military spouses then we do have to think twice about what we say on the internet. If you want to bitch and complain with your friends, have at it, but keep it off a blog. Also, according to the UCMJ, her husband can get in trouble for the comments he made on her blog. The military world has it's own rules and if we want to play on their playground then we need to play by their rules.
I remember that story. The woman in question was an 0-6 spouse. http://www.military.com/news/article/colonels-wif…
Thanks for the link to the article because my insane curiosity was killing me to know what happened.
There are so many positive aspects to military life, I can only hope she gets some guidance from fellow spouses and comes away with this being a learning tool.
I don't think anyone is asking military wives to shut up and sit down. I don't see that in real life, I don't see that online. What I do see is the ranting of one person who is clearly very very misguided. SHE is accusing other wives of all these things. She's accusing the National Guard wives of talking out of turn, of wearing the uniform for slutty photos, of being loose with OPSEC, yet she's the one doing ALL those things. In about 5 minutes I learned her name, her husbands name, his unit, his grade, and a whole host of other private things because she had posted them all online. (google cache..it's all still out there)
Someone needs to be schooled. That's for sure. I say she can have her opinion, just like everyone else. But with an opinion like that she HAS to expect backlash. No one is telling her to shut up and sit down and be a good girl. No one wants that from our fellow military wives. But conversely, no one is going to tell ME to sit down and shut up when I tell her she's an idiot.
Great post! The whole blog post was pretty repugnant. And it yet again makes army wives look like delusional fools. Who is this woman to police anyone? I mean really shes got that kind of time? People are people. Wives are wives. I just wish those using a public outlet like a blog could try and maybe think that they represent all of us.
Great points, Jacey. She gave her opinion; others replied in kind (and how!). Still, your point about sometimes not so subtle pressure, required conformity, groupthink, and the demand to filtering real feelings is true …in many professions. Case in point: Even “Tom Brady’s wife” got schooled ;)
If you unprovokedly attack, demean and insult people and their families, there will be consequences. This has nothing to do with people wanting military spouses to sit down and learn their place and everything to do with common decency, tact and respect, all of which this blogger and her husband lacked and are now paying the price for. I'm glad this girl is getting schooled because it's obviously a lesson she needs to learn.
I actually think the lesson to be learned here is do not mess with Military wives…we hate this sort of thing!
She sounds like she is a little spoiled and wearing her "hubs" rank. But, you do have a good point. But, in reality… come on, I have served in Active Duty, Reserves, and NG… AND I have been a "dependent" — (gosh I hate that word) and I have seen plenty of women MARCH into the COs office and let them have a little of their mind. LOL Quiet? tackful? Sweet little homemakers are a thing of the past! LOL The way she speaks of the women sounds like the civil war, or the 1960s… really? This does not happen in the infantry or SPEC OPS world and sure not in the Guard world! :-) I think she really needs to grow up.
Yeah. I'm a "Guard Wife," so wasn't thrilled by her comments. But when I saw that the official machine had been brought into the whole discussion I wasn't thrilled by that, either. Sigh. . . .
When I was young, I thought I knew a lot. Now that I'm not so young and have learned a lot more, I realize how much I still have to learn.
I learned something while reading "Army Wife Life," as well as the responses of other military spouses.
Whether we've been living the military life for a few months or many years, none of us is qualified to create a narrow definition of military life and military spouse behavior.
Part of the wisdom that comes with experience is to value the wisdom and experience of others — especially those whose lives are different from our own.
I'm not sure I necessarily agree that the lessons are "Good Army wives are quiet, etc etc." I think the lessons are more along the lines of "An Army wife may not wear a uniform, but you'll still learn to respect the military as if you do." And I can't say I disagree with that. As a spouse, I am a reflection of my husband and who he is and what he stands for. If I disrespect the military, then there's a good chance he does too. I know I've posted things he's not always happy with, but I do try and curb my negative opinions somewhat, so as not to reflect badly on him.
As for don't mess with the National Guard…well, I've been saying that since I married a National Guard soldier :) http://www.morethananarmywife.com/2007/09/nationa…
"An Army wife may not wear a uniform, but you'll still learn to respect the military as if you do."
I think you have something here. We spouses aren't actually in the service but there is a kind of responsibility(?) back and forth?
I really enjoyed this article. I always enjoy your take on things. Thank you so much for your wonderful perspective :) .
I saw the post via FB. I admit I posted too. I believe that she has every right to her opinions, but commented that she came across as holier than thou(Not WAS came across AS). I think I felt mostly a facepalm moment for her alienation of what support she could have had via the NG wives and her attitude that they were fake soldiers, and anger at the about the PTSD issue and how her phrasing made it sound like victims of PTSD became that way because their minds were not solid and strong. That I got a bit upset about.
Yes she should be able to have her thoughts and getting the brass involved seems heavy handed. However because she chose to share her thoughts on the world wide web I can see why they did. I bet since it went viral things got uncomfortable all around with her husbands job, the local & and national branches of the national guard and possibly from some other branches. The situation caused problems for a lot of people who had to deal with the fallout.(continued below)
I too have opinions, but am aware that anything you say online stays online. if you want a safe place to kvetch talk to friends of family offline or write in a journal. If it had been a private company I wonder how things would have played out especially since the actual "employee" endorsed her write to publically post said opinions about said "company". No, I am not being sarcastic, I am truly curious about how the private sector handles these situations.
The saddest bit for me is that this single post will follow her and possibly her husband around for the forseeable future.(continued)
She is fairly new from what I read to the military community and somewhat isolated from her branches support network because of her husbands job and from now because of her posting a somewhat new to things spouse will face a probably harder path than she might have before in making her way among the rest of the spouses.
I read somewhere something to the effect that "When I was young i thought I knew everything, now that I am older I realize just how much I don't know."(paraphrased). I hope the lesson people take with them is that the web isn't private, and what you do and say just might follow you.
I blogged about this, and that's exactly what I took away from it: Blogging is a risk, watch yourself. LOL
(She got married to her Soldier the same month I married my Airman. Not all newbies are that bad O.o)
P.S. I had neglected the comments about the National Guards troops not being real soldiers, and how things are easier for them because of the 1 deployment for 4 year thing. I personally don't get that. If you are in a uniform serving your country I was raised that makes you a soldier and to be respected. Both my spouse and I have family that served and between us cover ever branch. As for the deployments that is obviously not true just read a few articles or turn on the news for the last few years.
P.S.S. There are good and bad examples to every group don't think you know it all based on your sample and don't think the way you act is the only right way. I'm done sorry it took 4 comments to get it all out.
Wow, National Guard members certainly do have a high opinion of themselves. They think that wearing the same uniform for one weekend each month makes one equal to a full-time Active Duty soldier. Not even close.
I SERVED IN BOTH THE GUARDS IS JUST AS GOOD IF NOT BETTER FOR THE TIME SPENT IN TRAINING AND JUST AS GOOD TO DO THE JOB AND GET IT DONE.
Having come from 3 generations of lifers from USA, USMC and USN I was raised if you are in a uniform you are serving your country….AD or NG was never an issue. Are there jokes about NG, sure but there are also jokes about every branch…it is just like my fraternity is better than yours type of stuff, a joke, never taken too seriously because at the end of the day they are all defending the Red, White and Blue. (At least that is how I was raised).
So when I married my husband, who was in the Army as an Active Duty Soldier (in case it matters to some readers). All I could tell you that he did every day in the Army was that he was Airborne LRRS with the 82nd and 501st, and then with 10th Mnt Div. That was it! Reason being, that was his job. All he could tell you was that I was an insurance agent. We didn't share extreme details of our jobs because frankly…I think anyone jumping out of a perfecting good airplane is nuts :) and lets be real…insurance is pretty friggin boring :) But having been the grand daughter, daughter, step daughter and niece of military men, I learned from the cradle a few invaluable tools for life in the military's silent ranks. Those are to always have something of your own (career, hobby, friends etc) to help you get through the lonely times be it a deployment, work up, school or field op. That you are to carry yourself with respect or others won't respect you. To avoid drama at all costs. And that you do not rate special treatment because of you are related to! (so do not expect a salute if you have a blue sticker, as you don't rate it, the military person does).
And now that my husband, or as I like to call him, My Better Half :) is now out of the military and working as a consultant overseas, I still utilize those same tools….funny how they apply to everyday life, regardless of being a civilian spouse or a military spouse!
This particular blog author set my blood boiling when I read her first edition rant of people assuming her husband was NG and not AD because they are in a predominantly NG area. Great, got the point…then she blew the whole thing up with attacking the spouses. I personally did not care if people thought of me as an Army wife, because I was also known for several other labels in the small towns we were stationed at: My Insurance Agent, *son & daughters name's* Mom, neighbor, friend etc. Because we spouses are known by more than just our military spouses job. However, in no way does anyone have the right to say ANY military spouse isn't one! It was shameful and sad.
Hopefully this young wife will get a better appreciation and understand of our military as a whole as time goes on once her husband leaves Recruiting duty and is folded back into a deploying unit. I think he was airborne (correct me if I am wrong please), and an Airborne Unit does not tolerate ignorance for long and she will become an outcast if she does not either learn what life is like in a deploying unit or still her fingers on a keyboard.
Because for those of us spouses who have been there, done that and got the tacky shirt (haha) we have all been schooled at one time or another, and usually before we fully insert our foot into our mouths, along with just simply learning where the Velveeta is at in the new commissary and how to find the local MWR…and yes I am sure I am dating myself with that term!
Woah. No. Not even a little bit of agreement with this post. The problem with what she said was that it was disrespectful behavior for *Any* American. She just happens to be on the "inside", so it was that much more hurtful.
The problem with her husband was that he came on there, posting to defend her. His CoC got involved on that one, because it was the *soldier*'s voice being heard, and they have every right to put the hammer down on that one.
You're right she got schooled, in the fact her husband was really really dumb on commenting the way he did, and the fact that what you say can have affects – gee, didn't we learn that in elementary school?
REMBER THE OLD SAYING THE BEST MILITARY UNIT IS THE ONE YOU ARE LEAVING AND THE ONE THAT YOU ARE GOING TO. IT IS FROM THE LESSONS OF LIFE. THAT THE REG.ARMY WIFE AND A GUARD WIFE ARE VERY SPEICAL LADIES. THAT HAVE A LIFE THAT IS IN ITS OWN WAY VERY DIFFERNT FROM THE CIL. LIFE. ARMY AND GUARD WIFES BOTH HAVE HARD TIMES DURING THEIR HUSBANDS TOUR OF DUTY .
I have been reading all this about National Guard wives not being "Army Wives" and I really feel offended by this. I am a "NC Army National Guard wife" and I'm proud of it. My husband may not do all the things that the guys in the full time military do, but he does more than what a National Guardsman was supposed to do. If I'm not mistaken, the Guard members were only supposed to be a stateside service member, however, it seems the soldiers in the Guard and the Reserves do more than what they were asked to do. I also have a son in the Army and he doesn't seem to think his dad is any less of a soldier than he is.
I will not talk bad of this young lady, but I will tell her this:"Don't mess with the Guard wives, we are Army wives and we are Army Strong.