An interesting question from the Mailbag archives that was sent to us some time ago:
My DH has been in the Army for 11+ years. 10 as an Enlisted Soldier and the next 10+ will be as an Officer. He made this decision early on in his career and I have supported him.
Ok, now to my topic…why do I feel as though I don’t fit in? The friends, I made/had as a enlisted spouse were wonderful but only as enlisted. Now that DH is an Officer, they stopped calling, emailing, sending Christmas cards, etc. I’ve tried to reach out but am tired of no response. As a new Officer’s wife, I haven’t made any friends with any officer’s wives. Haven’t been invited to any socials, coffees, FRGs, nothing? I was thinking of joining the Officer’s Spouse Club but have fear of rejection because I haven’t always been an officer’s wife.
Any suggestions or advice from any BTDT (been there, done that) spouses?
This is a great question and a situation which many spouses may have found themselves in as their partners opt to move from the enlisted ranks to the officer ranks. Let’s please avoid an enlisted vs. officer battle here and not perpetuate the harmful and false stereotypes that make all of us look bad. Let’s focus on creative and realistic solutions and how best to handle a situation such as this.
Some of us are perfectly happy to not be socially involved with other spouses in our military circles, but it seems pretty clear that this spouse is interested in social interaction. It would be easy to say that if her prior friends abandoned her just because her husband went from enlisted to officer that they wern’t very good friends to begin with, but we’ve all had relationships that have floundered or ended over petty matters. No matter the cause of a friendivorce, it can still sting. And if one party is not willing to walk away, than kudos to them for continuing to try even if they’re met with a stone wall. In this situation, it could be that her old friends, rightly or wrongly, just need more reassurance that this isn’t as awkward as they may think it is.
With respect to not wanting to join the Officer’s Wives Club, I would encourage this spouse to do so. She says she’s held back because she’s afraid of rejection but by succumbing to that fear, she will never know if she’s missing out on making some great friendships or at least some solid acquaintances.
Early in my husband’s career, I found myself in a similar situation. It wasn’t a green-to-gold situation, but I found myself in a unit where I didn’t know anyone yet most of the other spouses (enlisted and officer) had been together for a while and already knew one another. When I walked into the first meeting, it was clear that friendships and clicks had already been formed and I wondered how to poke through the bubble and squeeze in, so I came up with a plan.
I hosted a party and invited the spouses in our battery. I always feel more comfortable entertaining at my house than going to someone else’s home when I’m newish. I’m on my own turf and relaxed in a familiar environment. After we ate some snacks and had some social time, I brought out a game and we split into several teams. I choose Guesstures because it’s a game that involves everyone being a little goofy and animated. Humor is a great way to break the ice in any situation. We had a fantastic time and after everyone had left, I felt that I had made some friends and I would certainly be more at ease the next time I saw those ladies.
If I found myself in the situation as our reader, I would host a party and invite my old friends and those I hoped to become new friends with. It would be a good way to show the old friends that you have no intention of walking away from the friendship, to get to know new friends and to show them both that there’s room for everyone and you value all of them. Your husband’s position may have changed, but hopefully you’re still the same person inside as you always were. Yes, it’s true that some may opt not to come and there’s nothing you can do about that. But we all know how word gets out, and when word gets out that everyone had an enjoyable time, that can only help the situation.
This situation isn’t specific to enlisted becoming officer types. If you really think about it, taking out the E & O aspect, we’re confronted with situations along these lines throughout our military journey. While we may not have to deal with friends turning their backs on us, we are always having to make new friends and most of us have felt insecure about being the new kid on the block. Whether you’re a brand new milspouse who doesn’t know anyone, a milspouse who recently moved to a new unit or community or a Guard or Reserve spouse who has been geographically separated from other spouses and had to come together due to a mobilization, you have to find ways to meet people and become comfortable with them.
If you find newbies in your unit, try to remember how you felt when you were the newbie. Take someone under your wing and put them at ease. For the ones who’ve done that for me, I’ll be eternally grateful and I’ll never forget their kindness. Our collective community benefits from everyone paying it forward.
What would you do in this specific situation, and what have you done in past situations when you were the newbie trying to make friends?
About Andi
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You'll never know until you try! I am an officer's spouse, but I have friends throughout the community, officer and enlisted alike. My father was enlisted to officer, I was enlisted, but my husband is officer. We are no better than the other…..we are all just spouses. We make the world go around!
I'm actually having some anticipatory fear for some of the same reasons…my husband is at 12 years right now as enlisted, finishing up course-work to become a Chaplain, and the thought of changing over to the officer side scares me. The fear is more along the lines of never quite being "good enough" socially, as I lean very much towards my roots of being a farm-girl…The classiness of the officer world is a little overwhelming.
I think class comes from what's inside, not from money or status. I agree with CCnGermany's comment, "we're all just spouses."
Any "group," for lack of a better term, has its mix of people. Some are nice, some are unkind. Some are gracious, some are rude. Some are funny, some are humorless. But what I love about the military is the cultural mix. Spouses hail from all corners of the globe. And besides, who doesn't love them some "farm-girl?"
Good luck to you!
I wouldn't worry about the 'classiness of the officer world'. The spouses who act like they're so classy are often just smoke and mirrors. I agree with the previous responder that true class comes from within. It comes from how you treat others and how you carry yourself (and I don't mean what type of clothes you wear).
Volunteer. The easiest way to make connections that lead to new connections is to volunteer. And it doesn't have to be within your FRG. The Red Cross, a post school, your ASYMCA or Thrift Store. Also… keep in mind that your FRG may not know that you are among their ranks… contact your unit FRSA and ask to be linked up.
I think the problem with the officer spouses in your new unit is probably less about not wanting to be friends with you and more about being busy, not faced with the NEED to make new friends (and therefore not reaching outside themselves) and/or already involved in a tight-knit unit. When I first married it took literal MONTHS for someone to remember I was around and invite me to any of the coffees, etc. Don't take it personally! And DO join the OSC. This is a great way to meet ladies of all backgrounds. You aren't the only green to gold spouse out there. Chin-up! It gets better. Any new unit takes time, enlisted or officer.
I think your old friends not communicating with you anymore could have more to do with your husband being assigned to a new unit and job responsibilities than just the fact that he is now an officer. Even if they stayed in touch with you during previous unit moves, you may have had more to relate to each other about if your husbands were at similar point in their careers at that time.
As far as having a difficult time meeting new spouses, I again think it’s due to a new unit. In my husband’s old unit, everybody naturally clicked and both enlisted and officer’s spouses all got along fine. Now, not so much. My husband is also an officer, but that doesn’t mean that I’m being bombarded with invitations to socials, coffees, or meetings (mostly depends on how the FRG is run I guess). I have to actively reach out and let them know I want to be involved. If you want to join the Officer’s Spouse Club, I say go for it and try it out. If you find you don’t like it, then just stop attending their events. If anybody rejects you based on what your husband does or how long he’s been doing it, then it really is just their own loss.
See, This is why people acting like they are better then others due to their husbands rank is an issue, it creates a division in what should be a tight knit community as we all go through things that eachother can easily understand. I dont think you husbands status should have much to do with the friendships you make, nor give you any sense of entitlement
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BTW I wanted to add — after being at a duty station/unit in which my friends were really ONLY the other officer's spouses (and it took a long time to make those friendships, like I mentioned above) — at our new duty station I know almost NO ONE with our current unit. This has a lot to do with my husband being in a "transitional" job as he awaits a more "permanent" assignment. However, it has given me HUGE freedom to get involved in non-unit affiliated groups that span both enlisted and officer spouse "ranks" … something I never felt comfortable with before (largely because I was a new spouse just figuring this whole officer vs. enlisted thing out and had not yet realized that it doesnt matter). I'm really, really proud to say that I have no idea WHAT the ranks of many of my spouse friends' husbands are — and it doesn't matter to me in the least. Sure, the sometimes obvious income disparity (example: they frequently mention needing to wait for pay-day to do x, y or z and I rarely feel that) can make things uncomfortable … but I honestly think it's far more uncomfortable for (and noticed by) me than it is for them. If you have small kids look into MOPS, if you are religiously inclined check out PWOC. These are great orgs where rank is not an issue and you can meet new friends who feel the same way. Good luck!
Enlisted spouse or Officer spouse this is where the whole concept of roles and reality of things get misconstrued. These women all want to wear a rank, and some would if the Army allowed it. Enlisted or Officer this should not decide how and if we bond and support each other. I blame both sides, this “officer’s wives are snobbish” is a stereotype even though there are a few :) and this “enlisted wives treat me different because they found out my husband is an officer” is the mentality that is causing the segregation. I am Mrs (state your name) not Captain “who cares wife” or SFC “it doesn’t matter’s wife”. Let’s start relationships with an open mind and unfriend, dismiss or cut off a friendship because they really did something to you. Our spouse rank does NOT make us any better than the other. It’s all about who we are, what we do and how we represent ourselves that’s where true friends, friendship and respect from others come from. Some of us really don’t care about what rank our spouses are, to tell you the truth you are better off without some of them. I will talk, work with and befriend anyone as long as they are reciprocating equally. One team one fight. Yes, you guessed it I am the wife of an…
Former veteran, present Mrs White-Golden
I agree. Whenever I am among other wives I introduce myself with just my first name. I want them to get to know who I am without all those stereotypes blurring their perspective. I am more than my marriage to my husband.
You spelled clicks wrong. It should be cliques. Please learn to use correct English.
Spelling errors happen to us all, write? I mean "right?" ;-)
Eye no write ;) lol
Loneliness will usually pass. Desertion is a bigger issue. My spouse filed for divorce as soon as she got her commission and was assigned overseas. Hope your spouses all remain faithful (which I found mine not to be) and yourmarriages stay strong. This divorce will probably drag out a while since my spouse doesn’t feel she owes _me any alimony after supporting her through 2 Masters degrees n she feats on me to the last 2time years.
Loneliness will usually pass. Desertion is a bigger issue. My spouse filed for divorce as soon as she got her commission and was assigned overseas. Hope your spouses all remain faithful (which I found mine not to be) and yourmarriages stay strong.
Loneliness will usually pass. Desertion is a bigger issue. My spouse filed for divorce as soon as she got her commission and was assigned overseas. Hopefully your spouses will all remain faithful (which I found mine not to be) and your marriages stay strong.
Let your spouse deal with the change, not you. He is the one who has to make the adjustment from enlisted to officer. I did. Spouses who "wear the rank" of their spouse need to understand that between spouses, friendship, and not your spouses' rank, is more important.