About thirteen foolish years ago, I did a very unwise thing. No…it wasn’t marrying my husband; that was a great thing. But it did involve him.
I was pregnant with our first son and along with expecting him, we were also expecting a PCS. Talk drifted between what kind of awesome parents we were to be to just what the heck we were going to do about me and the six years of school (and umpteen dollars) I had spent on my then profession. My husband was/is not as foolish as I, and wisely said, “I will support whatever you decided you want to do. If you work, great. If you choose to stay at home, great.” So I decided to wait it out until after the move and see what I felt like doing then.
No, that wasn’t the unwise thing, either. Ready for it? Here it is….
About a year later and pregnant with our second son, I said these words:
How about this…I stay at home with the boys now, and you stay in for 20. By retirement time, I will be back at work and then it will be my time to be the bread-winner. I’ll be your sugar mama! Cause I love you and am awesome like that.
Truthfully, I could completely blame the pregnancy for my statement. Hormones are nasty vicious critters. But I won’t, because I honestly thought I had all the time in the world and enough gumption to make it happen. Foolish foolish Heidi. Look at her trying to be all modern-day and promising to take care of her man. Wasn’t she cute?
He is just four years shy of that golden day and I am still trying to figure out how to make good on that deal. Going back to my past profession will merit me next to nothing; I will earn waaaaay less than his retirement pay which is a far cry for that sugar mama promise. I come up with million dollar ideas just to have a friend tell me it is already in Sky Mall. I substitute teach, but when you consider what full-time teachers are paid, buying him that fishing boat he has always dreamed about is out of the question. And with our luck, I’d buy him that boat only to move to a landlocked state.
Oh he is kind, in his smartypants ways, and jokingly reminds me of my promise. He can’t remember to throw away the milk carton or the details to that important life changing argument we had ten years ago, but he remembers that one statement.
He will ask: Sooooo…..how’s that sugar mama thing going anyway?
Me: Ummmm, just trying to come up with that million dollar idea. It is taking a bit longer than expected. Ya know, you can’t rush genius.
Him: Apparently. And for the record, I’d be happy with the next thousand dollar idea.
Smartypants.
There was once a blissful time in my life where I was gung-ho about having it all. Then I had a baby and then another baby and then became CEO of our lives. I make this family run like the rusty well-oiled machine it is. I never thought I would say these words, or even admit to saying these words, but I am a stay-at-home woman and I like it. Don’t confuse me for the Real Housewives of Anywhere…I do not spend my days with a personal trainer, getting my hair blown out, and bossing around nannies. I treat my stay-at-homeness like a job, which includes all the cooking and cleaning, playing barber to the whole house, cutting coupons, and squeezing every penny till it bleeds.
But still…..
I have my master’s degree for crying out loud. I had ideas. I had plans for my life that did not involve creating menus, learning all things military, removing stains, counseling a ten-year old boy on the craziness of ten-year old girls, or mandatory fun created by the military. While I still have plans, they are now focused on the PTO’s book fair, what soup I am bringing to church Wednesday night, where we are moving next, and why my dog has diarrhea again.
And I like it.
So sad. Or is it smart?
I love not having the stress of succeeding or finding a job immediately upon setting up house after a move. I love not having to fit one more schedule onto our full calendar. I am filling a need and filling it well, in my biased humble opinion. My husband knows all this and has always left the decision to stay at home up to me. He is happy with our life, but he would be equally happy if I were bringing home a paycheck.
We don’t live outside our means. We don’t go on expensive vacations, buy our kids everything, or eat out all the time. We have adjusted our life so one income works and still save for our future. I am not suffering by my lack of a life outside my home. I do however, have to suffer through the weekly reminders that my sugar mama role is rapidly approaching.
Which is why I keep hinting to my husband that we should ride this military gravy train as far as it will take us. Maybe by that point, I will have figured out just what I want to do when I grow up, because he deserves it. He deserves to be thanked for giving us this great life which allows me to be full-time hands on with our kids.
And maybe those extra years will buy me a bit more time for that next thousand dollar idea.
Heidi is an Air Force wife, mother of boys, and has been blogging for four years. She was an athletic trainer in her “past life” and finds that her prior profession of working the sidelines of football games has adequately prepared her for working the sidelines in her day to day military spouse life and enables her to deal with just about anyone.
About Heidi
Comments
Love this post! It makes me feel better about my promise to learn to weld so we can build our own airplane after Sampson's retirement. ;-)
That I gotta see! Welding would be a pretty good skill to learn…mine would put me to work on a car.
Sampson's also an automotive geek, so I'm sure any welding skills I might acquire would be put to use on cars, as well. I'm still kicking myself for not taking the welding course offered on base when we were in Texas for his flight training. It's not like there was much else to do at NAS Middle-of-Nowhere, TX!
HA! This is my life…minus the military & PCS but I have to say I don't regret it. I love it! The degrees aren't wasted for sure :) Not with boys…at least not in my house. I, too am still trying to figure out what to do when I grow up so you aren't alone. Great job, Heidi!
OMG, this is my life too! Except I started out active duty with the goal to be Chief, while my under-achieving husband just wanted to do his time. My husband cross-trained and I got pregnant. I got out, his career moved forward. Now he is Chief and I'm the stay-at-home mom struggling with what I want to be when I grow up. I've had plans all along, they change every time we move. I have 3 degrees and am working on a 4th with plans for a 5th. I've become a professional student, but my husband hasn't complained :) By the way, my plan was the Sugar Mama route as well :P
Now he is much more marketable than I am. He finally started working on his own education and is making steady progress working on his Masters. We just recently had the conversation about what to do after retirement. And he AGREED with me :). He is more marketable and I will continue to follow him around to where the work takes him. He is thinking about how to go about getting that "after military" job and has big plans. I was kinda worried, because I still think of him as the airman with his Blues crumpled on the bottom of his wall locker. He said I can do whatever I want. I thought he would really want me to find a 'good' job and put my multiple degrees to work. Nope, he just wants me to be happy!
I kind of think of myself as a disappointment, since I haven't met my expectations of myself. But I realize I have done a lot that I should be proud of. And I don't have to be a rocket scientist to make others proud of me either. Our perception of ourselves isn't always what others perceive about us.
MsCamo–I appreciated your comments–until you said "I kind of thing of myself as a disappointment." I just don't see you that way. I think that military life can put the slow down on a spouse career. But the thing to remember is that life is long. The military part of it is over when you are in your 40s at the latest. So I figure we all have another 50 years to play with and reach some of those expectations!
thanks Jacey, I hear what you are saying and I didn't mean for it to sound like "boohoo, me" , just every once in a while, when things aren't going like I want, that is the feeling I get. I'm quite happy with my lot in life and wouldn't have it any other way (well maybe if I could go back :P). We are making plans for the post military/post kids life and looking forward to it. This topic just came up this weekend for us and I was surprised that he was A-OK with me just staying at home and/or doing whatever I wanted to do.
I didn't think you sounded at all boohoo. I think you are saying that once upon a time two really young people started out in life and that going through the military they ended up in a place that surprised–and continues to surprise–both of them. I hear this from a lot of long-married military couples. I just think that the way all of you make compromises and grow and change is endlessly interesting and I'm so glad you shared your story…
I agree with Jacey (below). Remember…no one can define whether you are a success. My success might be in raising my boys, rather than it being all about 'me', and I am a-o-k with that. A happy life is a successful one!!!
Agreed, there's just that tiny voice saying this is not how it was 'supposed' to be. And we are riding that gravy train till the end too, 24 and counting. And I am happy, but got a gushy feeling when HE said he was happy with me too, even though I didn't do what I planned. Sometimes the guys don't come out and actually say it straight up (at least my guy :P).
I'm in the process of writing a book but, my husband doesn"t know. I need resources on who to get my book published through. I also have about 23 blogs but I have no idea what to do with them.. i did try and post them on AMAZON.COM but they only wanted to give me 30% of the royalties. i wanna self publish because it is more economical.
I was married for 22 years to my wife before she passed away of the big"C". She was what you and others have said "a stay at home mom". As a comedian I once heard say "I've seen what you do and I don't want that job". and that was true of me also. My wife did a fine job of running the house and rasing two girls while I was on many a deployment.
We didn't have much but we had us. And we did have a few pennies to do things. Not much was enough for us.
Not much? Seems like what you had was more than enough. I am so sorry for you and your girls… losing the person you relied on and loved had to have it's impact. It is indeed a calling to be a stay at home mom and the fact you remember how difficult it must have been for her is a testament to the relationship you had. Thank you for your comment and your remembrance of her life. Every day is a gift!
Heidi,
Great post! I made the same promise to my guy and we’re seven years away. Now after reading your post, I just have to figure out how to convince him the discussion never took place… oy!
Oh boy. Having a theatre degree and a love of the arts I keep promising my husband that when I get my Oscar and multi million dollar movie contracts that he can retire….. not quite there yet. At all!
I lived this also, and am in the final stages of getting up to speed on the sugar mama thing (grad school this fall, yay). However, the one real glitch in the plan is this: when I stayed at home, it was to produce and care for our children, which was full-time, exhausting work (3 kids), and looked down upon by most of society (I'm too dumb to do anything else?) If he retires and stays home on the flip side, he will be doing what? The division doesn't seem equitable. Also, we both totally underestimated how much we would crave simply being together at this point in our lives. I have waited my entire adult life for him to get home, and now that he is going to be home permanently, I go work outside the home full-time? Just some factors to think about for those of you who have not made this commitment yet! :)
I'm pretty sure you are me in 10 years, except we only have 1.5 more years until hubby can retire. You even write just like I do! I told hubby the exact same thing several years back. I am at the very beginning of the "PCS ruined my life" mess though. It is so refreshing to hear from others who have gone through this too! I feel very alone right now.
I have a Masters and had 5 years in an amazing career on course to be a manager in a few year at a very large well-known company and then *wham* right when we thought we would stay put until retirement, we get orders to the middle of nowhere. I had to quit my job (it is call center based, not portable at all) and we had to short sell our home. I have been in my new home 2 weeks now and I am making myself sick with worry over what to do. I am having problems finding job openings that pay half what I was making and nothing is above entry level. Do I stay home with our 2 year old and have another baby and try again once we get out of this base? Do I struggle to find daycare then work a job that barely pays more than daycare and gas and other working expenses just so I have a job? I honestly do not know what to do or who to turn to.
The stay at home mom thing is ok, my son is learning a lot and really likes seeing me more, and I am definitely less stressed out and healthier. But I LOVE WORKING! And I'm really good at it! I'm so mad that I had to give up such a great career and won't be able to find anything like it maybe ever again. Thanks for putting it all into perspective for me :-)