“I’m thinking about getting out of the military.”
I’ve heard my husband say this many times before in his decade-long active-duty career, but it has never before been followed by, “I’m applying for a civilian job.” Suddenly, the possibility of a life outside the military popped into the spectrum of my reality.
I always imagined the end of our military life would taste like a gourmet meal of Relief wrapped in Excitement, peppered with Pride and served with a vintage bottle of A Life Well Lived. But as I sat at my desk proofreading my husband’s resume, I realized that the thought of his military career ending was far from a succulent gourmet meal. It was more like a deep-fried What Now? sandwich from a fast food joint that looked so appetizing at first glance, but left me tossing and turning all night with a scorching case of heartburn.
Quite honestly, I don’t have any idea how to be a plain old wife without the word military preceding it. My husband will be home all the time? He won’t get deployed to unpleasant places? He won’t wear a uniform to work every day? We’ll live in one place for the rest of our lives? I don’t get it. Do people really live like that?
For the last ten years, my husband and I have navigated the winding road of military life, sometimes together, sometimes a world apart. He’s had a pretty amazing military career so far, celebrating successes both professionally and personally. And while I can’t claim to be a big fan of deployments, or PCSes, or Murphy’s Law, I do owe the military a lengthy thank you note for allowing me to travel the world, collect an address book filled with friends, and transform me into the kind of woman I never knew I could be.
On the other hand, my family has lived at our current duty station for almost four years now, practically an eternity in the military world. And I have to admit I’ve grown accustomed to the cushy life of stability. My son has shared the same classrooms with one of his buddies from pre-K to second grade. I’m on a first-name basis with all the employees at my local YMCA. I transferred my state teacher certification AND taught at the same school for nearly two years. We know the best ER to go to, the best Japanese restaurant, the best grocery store, the best gas stations.
Is this how “normal” people live? Really? Wow. Ok, sign me up because this normal thing is pretty cool.
Unfortunately, what passes for normal in most people’s lives doesn’t pass for normal in mine. Relinquishing my status as a military spouse would mean a complete makeover of not only my definition of normal, but also my definition of a wife, a mother, and an independent, self-sufficient woman. Over the years, I’ve told myself not to allow my title of military spouse become my complete identity. However, I can’t deny that it’s a large part of who I am.
For now, we wait. The civilian application is submitted. Plans B and C are waiting on the sidelines.
We don’t know a whole lot about our future, but there are a few things I do know for sure. I know that we’re extremely fortunate that my husband even has civilian job prospects when so many service members struggle with their transition to the civilian world. I know that regardless of whether I maintain my status of military spouse for another ten years or if I turn in my badge for good, my time as a military spouse has prepared me for whatever adventure we find ourselves on next. And while the possibility of leaving the military life behind isn’t exactly a gourmet meal, I know that we’ll find a way to uncork that bottle of A Life Well Lived wherever our journey takes us.
Does being something other than a military spouse scare the tar out of you, or do you crave the stability it will give?
Heather Sweeney has been married to the military for 10 exciting, unpredictable, stressful, dramatic, tearful, adventurous, humorous, happy years. When she’s not in the throes of raising her two military brats, she’s fending off tattlers and nose-pickers in her kindergarten classroom. And if she’s lucky, she has enough brainpower left over at the end of the day to put on her freelance writer hat and jot down a few words to form somewhat coherent sentences.
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Wonderful article! My husband has been in 15 years with re-enlistment coming up in September, he is toying with the thought of taking a year off. I don't agree but as a family it is something we both need to discuss.
Great Article. I think this sums up how all military wives feel when our husbands tell us they may be getting out.
how much does it cost a wife to pay for our husbands
retiirement and our husband out of the military
I left after 6 years, but I don't know I would have after 10 or 15 or so. The military is one of the last places on the planet you can achieve a pension. And it IS the last place on the planet you can achieve a pension of that quality and that early in age. Unless you're sitting very pretty in assets that can grow (real estate, 401k, bonds, etc) I suggest strongly considering the retirement decision.
But if one is a soldier of this generation, he/she is capable of anything. A lot of ignorant people will try to convince him he can't make it; when in fact, they're talking about themselves.
MikeM, exactly why I stayed for retirement. At 16 years, I felt like my heart wasn't in it any more. I had done Vietnam and everything else up to Beriut and missed Desert Storm by literally one day when I did retired. My head was wandering to my friends who had gotten out and were settled down with ONE home and the stability I longed for. I just could not pull the pin at that point and am now glad I didn't. That decision is absolutely one each individual has to make on their own. Either way you go, God speed. Don't let other's decide what you can or can't do or if you should or should not stay in or get out! You have already proven you can make it!!
(2 of 3) I did just over 20 retiring in 1990. The first ten out were normal pretty much, then it started catching up on me. I missed being a 'hero' ( label I earned by going every where in the world and in to virtually every conflict) and my 'military family' when I retired. Civilians just can't make the ties GIs do. I didn't retire in a military town, I moved out in to the country.
Ten years after retirement, my disability got markedly worse-to the point I could hardly stand up and walk and even at the age of 49, I had a stroke!! It all came home them that I had made the right choice. While the retirement may not be millions, we do have decent health care and I also get a VA pension. Retirment and VA are pretty fair deal and coupled with Social Security, will carry us in to our retirement years in fair shape.
(3 of 3) I look back and over all, I loved what I did. I was and am proud to serve my country and especially proud of you guys. I left many 'young troops' behind that I still worry about sometime but know as I did then, we left it in good hands. No matter what the feather merchants and politicians try to do to our country, we all made the real difference. If you have over ten and can hang, our country needs what used to be called 'lifers'. Those of us who have been there know them as career folks and that they are the thin line between us and tyranny. Stay the course if you can. If you just can't, get out, be safe and have a great, blessed life.
Wow! Enjoyed your take on the effects this possible career change could have on you and your family. Change is never easy to handle but it sounds as if your life in the military has prepared you for anything. Our very best to all of you.
Great post! I've had the opposite end of the spectrum, fiance got out and now is talking about going in (though he seems to be leaning towards the Reserves this time.. but with the economy who knows). If you guys have managed the ebb and flow of military life, you'll handle civilian ebb and flow just as well – it's just a different river of sorts. And you can still travel JUST as much, just you get to choose when (which i think its pretty nifty part of it all). It's just another new adventure and a different "deployment" just this time possibly voluntary :) Good luck to you and your family – have fun with the new opportunity !
Having been retired for 12 years now I'm not sure that is or is not a good decision. But I'm sure glad that you are both in on the choice. It you decide to stay there will be more of what you have already been through and possibly even to a greater extint.
One thing that I think about ever three years even now is where am I going next. But I've been in the same house for 10 years and I'm looking forward to at least another ten years here. Then off for the final retirement, maybe a lake.
Don't let anyone tell you you can't find a job. Those who say that are not looking hard enough. There are many jobs in the civilian sector, both private and public. What ever you choose you will do it together and enjoy.
I'm mildly terrified of retirement. We have 5 years to go and while time together, no deployments, a sense of normalacy all sound quite nice. The normalacy is also a little terrifying, after all, this is our normal. I always find myself looking at civilian families at the ball park or the store and think "hmm so this is what it will be like". Surprisingly not as comforting as I thought.
Excellent article. I salute the military family. Having a serving spouse is not easy on the daily. Unfortunately our government doesn't seem to realize the commitment and dedication our military members and their families have. As too getting out I can no blame a single person from leaving the service in todays environment. Looking at what the White House and Congress are doing to the military is a shame. I have no respect for those in government when they chop the military and exempt themselves. In fact they reward themselves with more pay raises and perks. WHat have they down?
- Reduce the military budget by $500 billion – was that weapon system chopped? The once that could save lives from NOT being on the front line?
- Reduction in force – Now we can send those who stay in the service on longer deployments (1 yr +) and less time at home between deployments (6 months?)
- Caped pay raises through 2015 – military .5% – congress has no cap but you can expect 2%+ for them and their staffs (Let them go to the front line and see some action)
- Retirement benefits being reduced – After putting you life on the line, working long hours, being on call 7/24, you will get less money in retirement and incur the cost of medical coverage.
With that being said – I can't blame a military family from leaving a place where their superiors (White House and Congress) treat them this way. Unfortunately we in the military serve without the recognition desired.
Thank you so much everyone for sharing your thoughts, experiences, and encouragment. The decision to stay in or get out of the military is not an easy one for so many reasons. But I know we'll make the right decision for our family. I'll keep you posted!