I think I may be a bit spoiled.
Now before you come after me with pitchforks, let me explain.
I don’t mean I demand material goods and luxuries from my husband or insist I be lavished with diamonds (but if he wanted to ever I wouldn’t stop him!). What I am talking about is more like … deployments.
Last month we moved down to Camp Lejeune, N.C. and for the first time I am beginning to experience life in the military ‘fleet.’ Previously my husband was stationed in D.C., a non-deployable unit. His hours were long some days but there was no time in the field and, naturally, no deployments. Now in Camp Lejeune less than a month my husband has been to the field twice and we are on notice that his unit is on the list to deploy next. Unlike his last job, he is now part of a regiment so he has a year-long deployment in the future, not the seven month one we expected.
My husband has deployed before. He volunteered to go on a Task Force to Iraq a little more than a year after we started dating. Things were different then. We saw each other when we could, usually on weekends, and while he was doing his work up I was preparing to graduate college and go off to Florida for my Disney internship. I was distracted, I had ways to avoid the D-Word rumbling down the pike. I am in no way, shape or form knocking girlfriends or non married significant others … but I feel like it was easier then. Not easy, but a little easier.
His last deployment was hard, please do not get me wrong. I sobbed like a baby when those buses pulled away. I never felt anything like that before in my life. But the idea of doing it now seems so much harder. We’ve built our lives together, I am used to him being around in some way ever single day. Even though we just did nine months of geo-bachelor status, I still texted him constantly, had a phone call every night, and usually had a cross-country visit every six weeks or so.
Someone recently told me, “You should be able to handle a deployment, you just did nine months apart!” That’s just it. We were apart nine months…. but we were über connected. I will not be hopping a flight to Afghanistan to see my husband for his birthday. Adding a year apart to a stint of nine months just completed also feels slightly like a kick in the shin. We have to adjust to living together as a couple once more only for him to leave again.
Plus this time I don’t have the distractions. No college finals, no graduation, no big move to another state, no internship. Instead I am living in a new place, I don’t know many people or have friends yet, and I am still looking for a job. Now that I have my husband with me in the same time zone, the idea of having him deploy for a year is making me panic. I haven’t had to face a deployment in three years. Our entire married life he has been stateside. Safe.
And I have been spoiled.
In the back of my mind I always knew he could go at any time. That’s his job. But it still managed to sneak up on me. We barely finish our PCS, settle in the house and the D-Word comes out. My heart may or may not have stopped in my chest a bit. I know if he does have to go we will make it work, we always do. Even though we have been together four years now, I still feel so new at this. When we first got together I admired those spouses who had been with their men through deployment after deployment over the years, and I still do. I never thought at this point I’d still feel so fish out of water, like the military is still able to surprise me.
But it is. That is the life we lead and I know this … somewhere deep down.
How do you all deal with back to back separations? Do deployments still throw you through a loop after years of going through them? Have you ever been ‘spoiled’ in military life?
About Allie Lovette
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I was spoiled for the first two years we were dating – my husband's a linguist and I met him while he was at the language school, which meant it was nearly two years of M-F 8-3, no deployments. Fantastic! Then he went operational… and our crazy deployment schedule started: Two months gone, a month home, three months gone, a week home, two months gone, repeat.
Eventually I found my groove and developed a deployment routine that I switched back into easily when he left. Dropping him at the airport was just a routine "See you later" and picking him up was, "Hey, you're back again!" LOL. But that said, I'm really happy that he goes on shore duty in a couple months and we won't have to worry about deployments anymore.
I knew I wasn't the only one! I hope you all enjoy your time together when he is on shore duty. The time we have with them is definitely special (:
I get that all the time. My husband and I lived apart (living in different states while I attended school) for over 3 years. We have endured a 10-month deployment. Neither one is easy, they're both hard, they just take different skills and different mindsets. Sometimes the idea that you could get on a plane and go to bed next to him is much harder than deployment. Other times, (say, month 9, ha ha) you are so tired of not hearing his voice that deployment seems like the hardest thing ever. They are both incredibly difficult, but experiencing one does not prepare you for the other!
Any separation is hard. I agree, sometimes it is harder knowing if you were to just get on a plane and go see him but can't. Both have their perks and their difficulties for sure.
I hear what you are saying. I have been married to my Marine for 23 years and he has served for 22 of those years. We are currently on our 7 deployment, the fifth to the sand box. I am spoiled by my spouse. We recently returned from a 3 year stint in Japan, he left on this deployment 8 months after the move. I feel your pain for being together, and then apart, then together, then maybe apart again. These deployments are hard, they get easier for while, then they are hard again. So how do I survive the here and gone again life of the military? Well there are some key things: communication, talk to your spouse about how you are feeling and thinking; attend the briefs, get the information on what to expect; develop a support network in the unit, go to unit functions before during and after he leaves; write, email, send carepackages with silly things, and most of all cherish each other before he leaves dont waste time and energy on the small stuff like arguing. These are just a few things that I do cope with the seperations.
Communication is definitely key! I will have to take advantage of going to the briefs and meeting everyone. The last time he deployed we weren't married, so I couldn't go to any of the functions unless he was there! And when he was actually deployed I was living out of state. So this time around I will definitely have to look into all the spouse-support programes. Thank you.
The entire time my husband and I have been dating and married we have been on lengthy separations.
First I would see him once a month. I would fly out to him, then he was stationed over seas, I would fly to him every 3 months, expensive? Oh hell yes, but I paid for it. Then we got married and 3 days later, walaa afghanistan time! I thought he would be there for 9 months, truly, but it has been 12 months now. I will see him soon though. Finally I will get to spend time with him and we can live together and actually be married!! We lived together for 3 months at one point, but, is was before deployment and he was always working super later of gone for school. Whatever.
What I am saying is, it is very hard, and gut wrenching at points, but..It is okay. The important thing is you both keep chirpy about it. This is temporary and once again its going to be alright. There is no one else exactly like you or exactly like them, and love is a wonderful thing so if your religious pray and work hard at it mutually and things will fall into place. You both have to make crappy sacrifices sometimes but, oh well. I think the number one deal breaker..is cheating..never ever, no matter how many other you see doing it by you, or hear about from your husband down range. Yes it will scare you but, as i said, It is going to be okay. and Ladies, if you are spoiled. I am going to say good for you, you are not spoiled, you are lucky, and you are blessed so enjoy 100% what you have got.
Wow. I must be REALLY spoiled then. I met my husband 4 years ago, a week after his most recent deployment to Iraq. We’ve never spent more than two weeks apart since we met. We got married about 1.5 years ago and spent the first year of marriage only 2.5 hours away. He came back home to me every weekend because there was absolutely nothing to do at 29 Palms. Now we live together again and he’s at a non deployable unit for 3 years. I have yet to feel what a deployment feels like, and I know it’ll be a big change from our routine especially because we’ll probably have kids by then.
It is always a big change with the military involved! Enjoy your time together (: My husband was just in 29 Palms (without a car!) for 9 months…. he was definitely not a fan! I wish he could have come home on the weekends but the cross country trip may have been a tad to far for a weekend!
I was so spoiled for the first four years of marriage and then we moved overseas and I left my job and was home with my two year old full time and pregnant and no husband! It was a complete shock to me! I used to joke that I moved to Japan to be a single parent but now I see that it made me a stronger mother and wife. Every time he is gone now I think back on that time and have the confidence to get through his trips now. But, no matter how many times he leaves I am sad and it is hard…… I also know that he isn't happy when he can't travel and do the job he signed up to do. The things we do for the people we love :).
Amen to that (:
(I was totally kidding on the materialism part! We have a great system going and I don't need shiny things to be with the man I love ;) )
Thank you for your advice. No worries, cheating will not happen. Ever. We just did nine months apart on opposite coasts and I missed him more than anything. My husband is my soulmate, he is stuck with me for life! I do find comfort in going to church and praying when the separations get tough, it will just be important not to lose sight of these things.
Not only have I been completely spoiled, but when I read the headline to this article, I knew exactly what you meant. I have been married to my USAF husband for 18 wonderful years. He is due to hit twenty in six months and he has never been deployed. Ever. He twice went to school for six weeks and each of those times, they were 3 hours down the road. He came home on weekends or we went to see him; and we would meet up twice or three times a week in the middle to have dinner. I have been thankful everyday that deployments didn't come up for him.
You just do it!
You get up everyday thinking about, missing him and then you find things to do. Find a hobby, get in the best shape of your life, volunteer for organizations you like and believe in, take classes at CCCC (ask a local what that is), get a job, get a 2nd job.
I've been doing it for over 18 years, it's stinks, it's hard, but you do it!
The Camp Lejeune area is very good at taking care of spouses of deployed Marines and Sailors (my hubby's 1st deployment was with 2nd CEB Lejeune). Take every opportunity to grow, to explore yourself…the key is to keep busy!!
I have 2 kids that keep me busy, running in every direction at one time, but during my hubby's 1st Iraq deployment I finished my Associates at CCCC. During his 2nd deployment I finished my Bachelor's and during his 3rd deployment I finished my Master''s. We are retiring next year, so no PhD for me (at least for now, lol).
If you live in military housing, don't get caught up in the military spouse "Drama" that is a constant at Lejeune (like most military housing). It's extremely frustrating and takes up too much of your energy.
Stay busy, be thankful you have a man who is proud to be your husband, but just as proud to serve his country. Be very thankful for Skype, instant messaging, email, and more phone calls than they got back in 2003!! Depending on where he is and what he does, you might be able to email, message, and see him on a daily basis.
Good Luck!! Stay Strong!! Be there for him (supportive, upbeat, letting him know you're not going anywhere) sounds crazy, but it's true! I'm only 38, but I've lived almost half my life as a Navy wife and have entirely too many years of knowledge on deployments, Sailors, Marines, and military life in general!!
Amen AJ! 2002 to 2003 sucked…I will never forget waving goodbye with a return date of…UNKNOWN! 18 months later he was home but I still remember the total calls I got was 7, emails was ZERO and instant messenging…umm yea that didn’t happen either. The perk of our hubbies being the firsts…no infastructure, at least not for the 501st’s LRRS boys of Ft. Rich
We're Army so I have to say no I haven't been spoiled at all as far as separation. We've been married almost 7 years and have spent over half of it apart due to schools, an unaccompanied tour, and deployments. We thought we were going to have a period of "spoiling" when my husband entered a non-deployable, fenced-in unit which he was "guaranteed" for 3 years…it lasted 9 months before they pulled him out and transferred him to deploy. The military sure keeps you on your toes! :)
But I do have to say we've been fortunate in other ways. My husband was able to be there for the birth of all 4 of our kids which is not something every service member gets to experience. He missed the first 15-18 months of each of their lives, but he got to see them come into the world. Plus, I was glad to have him there to hold my hand and let me grumble at him. We are so glad for technologies we have today to capture memories and keep in touch.
Spoiled, yes! But note that is not said in a mean spirited way! :-) I view myself as spoiled in the opposite manner, I grew up as a 3rd generation military brat to lifers household! I was raised with deployments whe the only communication was letters…our poor mailman was stalked for months on end :-)
But having been raised this way gave me the tools to making deployments fly by. Aside from the spouse programs etc that the base has, I also hit up local townie events. If your new to a town go to the chamber of commerce it is a wealth of info and it is all free:-)
When I dated my hasband we were 5 hrs (driving Andretti style) apart and we went months on end not seeing each other complimets of field ops, training and of course Hurricanes Katrina and Rita and Afghanistan. Now he works in the private sector in the sand box with 3 months on and one month off. And I have to admit there are days I curse Skype, Live and Yahoo…I love and miss my other half but the key for this momma to keep her sanity is to stay busy and skyping everyday makes it harder for me than silence, due to how I was raised to depend on yourself during deployments. So now instead of working 60 hr weeks to keep busy I stay equally busy and occasionally frazzled :-) by being social director to 1 teenage compitition band-o, 1 Webelos (scouts) and PTO chair of 2 committees. Which oddly enough all helped in making friends when we were new to town while he was overseas and I was unpacking dishes :-) Espicially since the military support network is no longer an option for us.
My point through this ramble is each of us muddles through it and finds our best path for us! And remember you can rant and rave about how you want him home and sleeping sucks…in a journal. But to make it through for your mental health, find a career, job, volunteer, join a church, join a book club, learn how to change the light bulb in the dryer…it doesn’t matter what…it only matters you do something and remember pity parties are allowed…but keep em to 30 minutes or less and then mentally kick yourself and go for a walk or wage a war on dust bunnies under the couch…you are strong…all of us, male or female who are charged with keeping the home fires burning are! Sometimes we just don’t realize it until they are back home again! Best wishes to you and yours!
This is the life we lead so, it is hard but what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. My husband is in the navy on a sub. He only goes out for about three months. Last time I didn’t hear from him for 7 weeks. That’s a long time not to hear from your spouse. Its extremely hard but absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I am also a “spoiled mil wife.” My suggestion to you is consider either moving back “home” or plan a couple trips back home. It sounds like you don’t have kids and their schooling to factor in? If it’s possible to go home for a large part of the time it would fill in your empty space so much! Plus leave you happy when you return to your home now and get settled back in. I tried giving myself a goal. I decided to learn Spanish before my hubby returned home and that alone made it go by a little faster
I have been married four years to my army hubby. He has done a month to Germany in 2010 but he went to Afghanistan July 2011 and is still there. I was ready to be “single but married” but then again I wasn’t ready. And I was not ready for the emotions that came with celebrating holidays, birthdays and anniversarys alone. I have a two year old and when she calls out for dada that really breaks my heart. but email and skype im thank ful for eben though it only works sometimes. But I have learned to embrace the military wife label. When people ask me what my hubby does and where he is at I get an overwhelming sense of pride when I tell them about My Soldier. I’m ready for whatever comes next! Plus the FRG is great. I am the FRG leader for my hubbys unit, I hold events and have tons of info on free stuff available to spouses and families. Keep up with the FRG and go to the events you will meet some great people! Good luck
I have been married for 15 years. Between 3 deployments to Iraq, 3 to Afghanistan, 2 separate tours in Korea, 6 months in Kosovo, 6 months in Bosnia and more field time than I like to think about, we have been apart more than we have been together. So, unfortunately, I am not spoiled. I hold no animosity toward those of you who have been luckier when it comes to separation. The plus side of being separated so much is that there is a newness and rebirth of our marriage when he comes home. Many couples don't get to have that. In my marriage, nothing is ever taken for granted. Everything is savored because we don't know how long we're going to be together.
It is not all moonlight and roses, however. There is a reason that many marriages don't survive so many deployments. It's definitely hard work but it is incredibly rewarding. That said, I always say that this is the life that we chose to live. It's been a hell of a ride and I couldn't imaging taking this ride with anyone else but my husband.
I wish I was a spoiled mil spouse! In the past 10 years of marriage to a Marine and 2 years of dating to a Sailor I have been through 8 deployments-4 combat (3 Iraq and current Afghanistan)ones. When my husband got orders to a non-deployable billet I (jokingly) told him if we made it the 3 years he was stationed there without killing each other,our marriage was set for life. We made it but in those 3 years he did 3 different training courses that lasted 8-16 weeks each so he was still gone for long blocks of time. Though not the same as a 6-9 month deployment, I still did not get my 3 years of "normal married life" that I was looking for. He is now coming up on getting orders for a B billet (those with Marines know what that is) and while I'm hoping for some "normal married life", I know it will probably not happen.
Note: "normal married life" is a term my mother and sisters (civilians) coined for living with your spouse constantly. They always use it when talking about their marriages compared to mine.
I'm an AD USAF spouse. He's been in almost 6 years and we've been married for almost 4 years. He has yet to deploy for one reason or another. Multiple surgeries for a broken wrist over the course of 2 years, a med board for said wrist, that he fought and won, there being more volunteers for a deployment than they could use… etc etc.
His unit just recently returned from a deployment and not scheduled for another for maybe 6 or 7 months, and we're currently waiting on retrain orders. So that will be one more deployment he misses depending on time frame of retrain. I have a feeling even though I've been living the military life on the dependent side for a number of years, his first deployment is going to come out of left field and I'm going to go into panic mode. It's just not normal to spend an entire enlistment as active duty without having experienced at least 1 deployment.
The powers that be help me when the day comes. Maybe I'll bookmark your blog and come back for some advice when the day comes lol