I had the privilege of sitting in the United States Congressional Auditorium yesterday to hear the results of the BSF’s most recent project, the Military Family Lifestyle Survey Report. I looked around the room and knew that the back of each head I looked at represented a story just like mine … a husband, a mother, a son, a brother … that most of the people in the room had a connection and an experience in common.
It always feels good when I feel like I’m sitting among friends I don’t even know.
The report opened by identifying the top five most important issues identified by military families, and the numbers didn’t surprise me: (1) pay and benefits; (2) spouse employment; (3) effects of deployment on children; (4) effects of OPTEMPO; and (5) how to address TBI, PTS, and general combat stress.
What did surprise me, however, were the survey results about family well-being. Although the military families surveyed reported that their servicemembers spent nearly half their time away from home, a whopping 86 percent reported that they were “happy” or “very happy” with their marriages.
How can that be?
In light of the recent reports concerning increasing divorce rates among military households, I was surprised to hear that spouses were self-reporting, in droves, that they considered themselves in “happy” marriages.
I started to think about the intensity of the work being done on PTS to remove the stigma associated with the diagnosis to encourage servicemembers to seek treatment for those issues sooner (notice they have now officially dropped the “D” for “disorder” from the acronym). I wondered if we, as spouses, need to find ways to be honest with our marriage assessments, and to find ways to remove the stigmas associated with admitting that the challenges associated with reintegration are difficult and often painful.
After the presentation I approached Rich Morin, Senior Editor at Pew Research Center, to talk about this statistical quandary. While he agreed that the terms “happy” and “very happy” were somewhat subjective labels that had a wide range of meanings to a wide range of different people, he pointed out specifically that military spouses tend to be independent and strong and may not view their predicaments as problematic the same way that their civilian counterparts might. In addition, our moderator Dr. Vivian Greentree pointed out, military spouses are historically and statistically proven to ask for help when they really need it, but usually when it involves their children.
Maybe we should be more fervent advocates for our marriages, too.
I can’t help but think that as our sailors, soldiers, airmen, and Marines return home in droves, and as the military focuses on scaling back forces, we are going to have a military marriage war of our own on our hands. I’m ready for the challenge, and I’m ready for an open discussion about the real state of military marriages. But it’s going to require the kind of stigma-removing work that has been done for PTS, and it’s going to require us all to work together on the thing that military spouses are so good at: binding ourselves together and supporting the military family.
Are you surprised by the survey results? Or do you just think the term “happy” is too relative to be a useful measure of the success of the programs that are available to help military marriages after long or repeated deployments?
About Lori Volkman
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Perhaps a 3rd possibility:
Survey completion is not mandatory. Perhaps this result is a bit scewed as only those that are happy were willing to take the 20 minutes to fill out the survey to begin with. Those that are depressed, stressed, or overwhelmed would not voluntarily add another stresser to the mix. They would choose to either throw the survey away or file it until later which probably didn't come in time to be included in this research statistic.
In My humble opinion, this is probably a large part of the difference between divorce rates and this report.
I'm sort of wondering why you feel so shocked that military marriages are so much less likely to be happy. Yes, divorce rates are rising but they're still about the same as divorce rates for civilians. Last I checked, there was less than a percentage point of a difference between civilian and military marriages. Instead of looking at this and thinking, "gee, everyone MUST have been lying because divorce rates are so high in the military!", why are we not looking at this and being happy that so many survey respondees said they were happy in their marriages?
Happy means something different to each and every person. I am happy in my marriage because I can still see my husband every day of the week, spend time with him, converse with him without using Skype and he can be there with our son. Is our life free from stress? Nope. We have a lot effecting us right now.
Another MILSpouse could be happy just to have her husband regardless of what's going on. Or, even if it's not happy the way you may see it, some might feel the financial stability and security makes a happy home over the emotional aspect.
I'm not shocked or surprised over it being so high. They could have polled a range of couples. Maybe some were older(like my husband and I) that have years under the belt that know what makes a marriage work. Or the fresh new married spouses who are still in the honeymoon phase. I really can't judge based on just what's been said.
But regardless, I do agree that some times people do try to say things are 'ok' when they may not be.
The "happy" may be attributed to the overall feel about one's marriage instead of always focusing on every negative situation involved with one's marriage to a servicemember. When I look at my life, I see how good of a life I have. I credit my marriage to my husband with making that good life possible. Sure, being a military family has it's hardships, but those are temporary. I can deal with the hardships without becoming bitter about my marriage. It's all about perspective and being ok with the journey as a married couple. Happiness isn't based on perfection, I see it more as a deep satisfaction with who I am and who I share my life with.
Simple, your personal problems are just that personal. Keep them at home and do your job, it's that simple.
I would agree there is a stigma with saying you're not "happy" with your marriage either in the military or civilian side. However, most people i would say are happy with their marriages but un happy with seperation. Also, I do beleive that military spouses do tend to try and find the brighter side of life and focus on as much good as they can as a shall we say defense mechanism. Not that every spouse would fall into deep depression if they didn't. What i am saying is if we always focused on the negative we would all end up in divorce court someday.
I think it may be the question at issue. I would also say that I am happy in my marriage, but there is a lot to be desired when it comes to more specific questions about our military lifestyle, and how my soldier is treated, pay, benefits, housing, deployment cycle, family time, etc. All in all, my husband volunteered as a service to our country and all these negative points can't outweigh the attitude of service and doing something together for the benefit of our fellow countrymen, children and other countries that need our help. All these negatives and struggles, I see as part of everyday life, but they do not influence how i feel about my husband and our marriage. He is worth the sacrifice, and our country is worth the sacrifces we must now endure. Our attitude is that of service to others, and not what can the country do for us. I do recognize that the military does more for families than many other service orientated careers. I also appreciate private groups that support our wounded warriors, and military families. I try to appreciate what we do have, and not what's missing.
I believe the reason the results of the poll say 86% of the people are happy with their marriage is because 86% of people are happy with their marriage. I think if you go into marriage with your eyes wide open then you will be a much happier person. Didn't you know what you were getting into??
You have to look at the context that happy was used in. What question was asked to get that response. I could say my marriage is "happy" but am I really happy that my spouse is on deployment that has been extended twice? Am I happy that there was a possibility that he could have been held on the ship and not transfer to his next command? No I'm not happy with the current situation we are in but marriage is fine.
Give me a survey with fill in the blank and not fill in the bubble. And let me truly speak my mind.
Thanks for all the great comments. I really didn't have a good answer to this question and I liked reading through these responses. We do color things with our own perspectives, but from a pure numbers standpoint I was still suprised. Not unhappy. Surveys might be subjective in some areas, but it's still good to see where the responders, whomever they may be, fall out.
I'll go ahead and be "that" person. Here it goes: our marriage is a sh*t sandwich. I say that in a ha ha funny kind of way. You have to find humor in your life somewhere. Seriously though, we grow farther and farther apart with each deployment. We've done the counsling and followed through with everything you should do to stay close and get closer…blah blah blah. Its like when you're having a dream and you are trying to run, but can't. It feels like trying to run toward someone who seems to be sliding backwards at an even faster pace. He's changed and so have I. So if you are reading this just know that you aren't the only one. I'm guessing maybe just a small number of those "happy" people are just in denial still. I know I was for a long time. Best of luck to all of us