Two weeks ago my husband handed me a piece of paper. It was a spreadsheet, neatly dated and color-coded with TAD and leave blocks. “Here’s my new schedule for the rest of the summer,” he said.
I scanned the spreadsheet. Home for a week, gone for two and a half. Home for a couple more weeks, gone for two more. Yup, that sounds about right. It’s a pretty typical schedule. Typical and incredibly frustrating.
Generally speaking, I’m not a fan of lengthy deployments to dangerous faraway places. However, there is one distinct advantage of deployments: predictability. During a deployment, I know my husband is going to be gone for a specified period of time. I can establish my own routine that doesn’t revolve around his erratic schedule. We say goodbye once, then I jump into my new husband-less existence that will be my life until he returns months later.
On the flip side, short trips offer little to no predictability. The frequent “hellos” and “goodbyes” become disruptive. It’s impossible to stick to a routine because his crazy schedule becomes my crazy schedule. I have to explain to my children why their daddy never puts his luggage back in the attic and why he’s sometimes home only long enough to catch up on sleep, unpack, wash his uniforms and pack again. Once I’ve finally adjusted to being alone, he’s back. Once I’ve finally adjusted to him being home, he leaves.
It’s also more difficult to make plans around the short separations, especially when trips are canceled and dates shift. Those concert tickets I bought three months ago as a Father’s Day present? It looks like I’ll be bringing my best friend as a back-up date because the spreadsheet tells me my husband will be missing it. And that out-of-town baby shower I was hoping to attend? Good thing I hadn’t RSVP’ed yet because hubby won’t be home to watch the kids. At least if I had a long deployment to work around, I wouldn’t have to wait for an updated spreadsheet before making plans (and I wouldn’t be disappointed about the plans I have to change).
Don’t get me wrong, I’m certainly not complaining about the fact that I have my husband home for about half of every month as opposed to sending him off for months on end. And if I had to choose my method of separation, I’d check none of the above. But sometimes I wonder if it’s easier to be separated for one long stretch of time than to fend off the chaos caused by the intermittent short trips.
Do you think it’s easier to get separations over and done with in one long stretch or do you prefer short, frequent separations despite the chaos?
About Heather Sweeney
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Grants I haven’t been through a deployment yet but long seperate ins definetly work better in my book. With hubby’s current schedule (which is similar to yours) we are happy to see each other for about 2-3 days. Then we fight for a week about who put their toothbrush in the wrong place then we are settled in just in time for him to leave again. At least during the year we were apart we didn’t have to plan around one another as much though I agree my favorite seperation time is the none of the above box. I wouldn’t trade this life for anything and am happy we choose to do this but actually having my husband home every night like he was before we started this crazy journey sure was amazing :)
I lead the same life!!! It is so disruptive and even the friends I have whose husbands have been through long deployments say they would choose those over my husband's schedule. The most frustrating is the constant changes to dates and arrival times or the unexpected ones like this coming week :(. But, like you I, too, check "none of the above" but this is our life and we make it work the best we can.
I see the effect that these short separations have on a family first hand. It's certainly tough on the spouses, but it's even more frustrating for the kids, especially as they begin to age and figure things out more clearly. It's not as easy for them to play the "Where's Waldo?" game as a way to pass the time as it is for us adults.
I'm with you in checking the "none of the above" category.
Absolutely, I wouldn't mention it to the hubs because in my experience he took it pretty poorly, but it's so much easier when they are gone for one big chunk vs. these out a back trips.
My 'boyfriend' went to Afghanistan 4 years ago…haven't seen him since. I held on for three years but the last year there was NO communication and he kept telling me he had no way of contacting me. Not buying that one…We even spoke about communication before he deployed, so whatever.
I figure he was leading a double life the entire time!
I have done a 6 month and that was really hard because with them gone that long, you go through almost like a grieving process and then it takes a couple months to really reconnect and get things going again when they get back. Trying to figure out roles when they get back is crazy too!
I have also done 3 mos gone, 2 mos back, 3 mos gone. That was sheer pain. It was the same process above but less time to recover, more flux. This type of scenario, I truly hated!
Now, my husband takes trips 1-2 times a month and is gone for 2 days up to 2 weeks and I have to say it is much easier because, in between the times he is gone, I still can go out with friends and I know when he will be home so the projects I need his help on, I know when I can complete them. I can get his help a lot sooner, rather than 6 mos from now! While a lot of his trips are short notice (2mos-2weeks notice), I only plan one month a head for our activities now anyway! I can handle the house and the kids for a few days while he is gone and there really is no transition…we just all carry on. After 2 years of it being this way, we are in a routine around it. As soon as he is home, he pops right back into the household things he does and our family routines. No grieving, no trying to figure out how to reconnect. I like this scenario much better-it works for my family!
I would prefer the shorter time away. So much changes in a year deployment. My husband missed out on so much in the years in was away. He missed the birth of both his grandchildren (2 separate deployments). I could live with the inconvenience of having to change plans around his schedule as opposed to him missing out on all the important events during the year. He missed every holiday, every birthday, my son's graduation. Those are things you just can't get back. I would prefer the chaos.
I prefer the long stretch. It's so much easier for me when he's gone all at once. The frequent in/out is very disruptive to our household schedule.
Seeing as how my husband and I are both in the Coast Guard, all we know are short, frequent deployments. Sometimes they are just a week or two, followed by a week or two back. Sometimes they are several months out, several months back. They both have their perks.
I assume the letter writer spouse's is in the Navy. My husband is in the Army and his last two combat deployments were for one year and this one is for nine months. Now if he was in special operations; they can deploy for minimal months at a time but I do not prefer anything longer than six months. He has done his part for his country and they need other people who have not deployed to step up and experience the long separation and pain. I give alot of respect and credit for spouses who endure this over a 20 year career. I prefer to have my husband home all of the time.
I hate to admit it but the long trips are much easier than the short, unpredictable, always changing schedule of regular duty.
Semper Gumby :$
I didn't mind my husband going away for training and deployment. He would be gone for a month/months, or a week, or a few days. Our two older children were okay with his job and understood that he had to leave for training and so on but our youngest was very attached to his father. I didn't realize how attached he was until he started calling any guy in a uniform "daddy." He even went up to a perfect stranger, looked him in the face and held his hand. I felt like a bad person trying to pry my son from this stranger.