We all know military spouses are extraordinary individuals; they endure the hardships of deployment willingly and with pride. That’s why it’s always such an honor, nay, a privilege, when the civilian marketing community reaches out to create a special product just for our specific military spouse needs. Because they know what we really need.
Enter military-inspired messages. For your breasts.
That’s right. I’m talking about the product you’ve all been waiting breathlessly for: temporarily emblazoned homecoming boobies or “Tatatoos.” Because in that moment when my children go running, when I see his weary face amongst the crowd and watch his beautiful eyes light up as we search to reconnect … that’s exactly when I want him to notice “Myraq Beats Iraq” bouncing its way toward him.
Nothing quite says “Dedicated Military Spouse” like a temporary tattoo adorning my exposed decolletage.
Now let’s face it. It really was clever of this manufacturer to think of us in this way. But what I’m really concerned about is that we’re limiting ourselves to traditional impermanent tattoo applications. I really think we need to think outside the bra, here.
I mean, what about our male spouses? We’ve got our first male Military Spouse of the Year now, and by golly we need to be inclusive. These dudes should be able to get in on the action, too. We don’t want to be all discriminatory and stuff. I mean he might want “My Moobs Missed Milady” emblazoned in purple sparkles for homecoming night, mightn’t he? What woman wouldn’t want that greeting after a long eight months in the desert? So chivalrous.
And there’s some money-making potential here for all you out-of-work spouses who find it so hard to hold down a career because you’re moving every two years. Screw those work at home money-making schemes. You’ve got advertising space right there on your breasts! Think about it. Depending upon the sponsor and your proximity to the media coverage at your next homecoming event, there’s opportunity for some serious cash.
Just imagine “WELCOME HOME BABY! (brought to you by Pampers)” and your smiling face, and breasts, right there on national television. We’re talking instant viral internet sensation, too. I’m sure of it.
Of course I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the really progressive opportunity this manufacturer presents for the environmentally friendly military spouses among us. Because after homecoming is over and the honeymoon phase wears off, you’ll need a way to recycle those lingering letters that haven’t quite scrubbed off yet. So why not convert the remaining message into a learning experience for your growing child? If you’re “Mommy Enough,” all you need is the alphabet add-on pack and you have an instant phonics lesson that every attachment parenting advocate needs while breastfeeding. What better way to help your child get ahead of the competition AND simultaneously guarantee your child psychiatrist’s first Jaguar?
I’ve heard these products are still in the testing phase, so you may not see them in your local PX/Exchange any time soon. But check out your just-outside-the-gate exotic dance club, because there’s a good chance the girls in there have heard of them. I fact, maybe while you’re there you can learn to pole dance. Because that’s just the kind of thing all of us military spouses would do while our husbands aren’t around. Just ask the marketing professionals. They know everything.
Hey, I gotta go. I smell a lucrative pyramid scheme here, people!
Editor’s note: the temporary tattoo pictured in our photo is not actually one made by the company “Tatatoos,” just the witty brain child of the author. Sorry to break your heart!