When I give a workshop for military spouses, I try never to say the C word: Career. It doesn’t matter whether you are speaking to the fully employed or the active jobseeker or the stay-home parent with three kids under four years old. The minute a military spouse hears the C word, they become functionally deaf to anything else. The voices inside their own heads are practically transmitted over a loudspeaker.
I never should have taken this stupid job. It is way outside my field but what else is there in Alamagardo??
I am nevergonnagetajobnevergonnagettajobnevergonnagettajob and my husband is gonna think I’m a slacker and my parents want to know why they scrimped and saved so I could go to college!
Oh, geez, CAREER. Like I will have two uninterrupted minutes to think about why the bottom of the refrigerator is always wet much less think about what I want to be when I grow up.
I AM NEVER GOING TO BE ANYTHING BECAUSE OF THE STUPID MILITARY.
Been there. Still have my days visiting there. Which why I never say the “C” word in public.
Yet spouses are interested in their own careers. The DoD reports that 77% of military spouses say that they want or need to work.
The things is, we spouses are always going to have to overcome the “C” word. For a lot of people, career means something that happens in a linear fashion. You get an entry-level job and follow that to a job with more responsibility and then leap to a management position. “Career” means a logical progression into more responsibility, more rewards, more visibility.
That’s hard to do when you move every 2.5 years — which is maybe why the “C” word can trigger guilt and fear and exasperation and self-loathing in military spouses. And total confusion in outside forces that try to help us.
Instead, I’ve been thinking that we spouses might think of the work elements of our life not in terms of the “C” word, but in terms of “E” and “A”: engagement and accomplishment. For the sake of our own happiness, we each need work of some kind in which we are fully engaged — the kind of work in which you lose yourself and look up only to find that hours have passed. We also need accomplishments of our own — whether that is getting a blog published or earning a degree or re-tiling a bathroom or potty-training a boy child. We have to have something finished.
For military spouses, sometimes “E” and “A” come from “C.” And sometimes “E” and “A” come from sources unimaginable to the outside world.
About Jacey Eckhart
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Volunteering is a GREAT way to fill the gaps between jobs. It looks great on a resume, and provides excellent networking opportunities. It also gives that feeling of accomplishment, and is an excellent way to meet new friends when you're settling in to a new duty station. :)
Operation Homefront is a great place to start for volunteer work.
Operation Homefront is a favorite organization of mine–I especially love the San Diego chapter!
While I did go to college, paid for it myself while raising kids, I am not worried about a career myself. My career was raising my kids. That was something more important to me then making a hundred grand a year. I see way too many women these days who want both, family and career's, but then they are always unhappy because one or the other isn't good enough. :(
I beg to differ, I do both and wouldn't change it for the world. It takes the pressure off of my husband that he's the only one responsible for our financial well being. I know that nothing will ever be 100% perfect but I am OK with that because even if I chose one over the other, I would still never be able to do it to to 100% perfection. I've also had no issues with progressing my career over the many PCS's, career shouldn't be a "bad name" it should be something to aspire to.
What field do you work in, out of curiosity?
Geospatial software development
I am truly happy to hear that you have been able to make both work. But please don't make it sound like it is a no-brainer for others. It is not that simple depending on what field you are in or aspire to be in. Not impossible, which I think is your point, but not easy either.
A lot of people don't WANT to do both, and that's fine, it's their choice. But in all honesty I know a lot of spouses that have actively pursued both and those that want a career…have one. It may take some finagling or retraining, heck it might require you to retrain (like I had to) in something that has a large presence on military bases as well as being marketable to a wide variety of federal contractors.
I started out in Archaeology, figured out pretty quick that wouldn't work in my now military life style, sat down with a college course book and read through course descriptions until I found something that sounded like it had military applications. I had never even HEARD of geospatial technologies at that time (it was well before we had google earth and in car GPS systems) but figured what the hey lets give it a go. Worked waiting tables to pay for courses, graduated and had a job before graduation, and have never had an issue continuing it with sometimes hard work.
The idea is, it's hard work, like most jobs are, but if you want it bad enough you find a way to make it work. People have to realize it might not be your "dream" career, but what you end up in you might actually enjoy it. I see far more of the "I can't do it because he's in the military" attitude and that is frankly just not true in this day and age. If it was easy then everyone would be working.
"the “C” word can trigger guilt and fear and exasperation and self-loathing in military spouses"
Aaaaand this is exactly why I went on antidepressants for the first time after living at our first duty station for 8 months. As someone who went to college and had every intention of having "the c word" before my guy decided to join up mid-way through my senior year, having those plans turned upside down so suddenly was extremely hard for me. Having older relatives who haven't got the memo that a college degee no longer = employers throwing jobs at your face, didn't help.
It's only in the past several months that I've been able to gain perspective on things and embrace the chaos. I haven't given up on having a career by any means but I've learned that as long as my guy and I support one another, whether I'm working or staying home, as long as I'm happy…I'm okay.
"Aaaaand this is exactly why I went on antidepressants for the first time after living at our first duty station for 8 months"
Thanks for your post. I know exactly where you are coming from. I have often wondered if their is a link between depression and career opportunity among military spouses. I think most of us make our own peace with it as you mention, but the frustration of the career process can really give rise to some dark feelings.
“Aaaaand this is exactly why I went on antidepressants for the first time after living at our first duty station for 8 months”
So been there! Our first duty station away from home we lived in the middle of nowhere. (and I’m from Seattle. Read: City Girl) I literally went crazy. Our relationship almost ended as abruptly as it began. Since moving away from there and to our current place, where I was certain to HAVE A JOB – one that I secured before we left previous h-e-double hockey sticks – our relationship has been much better because I’m not so crazy (Read: very very depressed). Its hard to feel accomplished when you feel like you never have enough time to accomplish the things you feel like you need. And my husband may never understand WHY I think I need to “accomplish” outside of the home… But for me (and apparently a lot more MilSpouses than I thought) its a very real necessity. The “c” word is depressing to hear as I feel like its impossible being married to an army guy… But I have been able to cope much better by finding “purpose” elsewhere… Church, a part-time job, and with time I hope someday that “c” word won’t be so depressing… Maybe even someday attainable! He can’t be in the army FOREVER, right?
This really strikes a nerve…21 year Marine Spouse and it took me until about 7 years ago to finish my Bachelor's degree. I was convinced that if I finished it, I'd escape exactly what you're talking about. I'd finally have a fulfilling career and I'd be 'one of those' wives. Four years of building the Big C after graduation only to move twice since then. I'm back to 'Starbucking' jobs but I'm much more at peace with it. I'll never have the Big C as long as he's Active but I have him. That's so much more important now.
I’m bummed that this is such a negative post! It is A LOT harder to have a career when married to a spouse in the military, but it certainly isn’t impossible. I read a really helpful book called, “Help! I’m a military wife and I want a career too!” that gives lots of great advice for having an active career while married to a military spouse. It can be done! There is hope!
This isn't a negative post at all. These are the posts of realists who have gone through the fire, felt the burn, and emerged at the other side with a lot of positive ideas. I LOVE military spouses!
I think the best strategy to deal with career combined with military marriage is to use the "negative" statistics to understand the big picture of spouse employment. Yes, employers are reluctant to hire people who are about to move. Yes, we live in areas in which women's wages are lower than in non-military areas. Yes, promotions tend to require longevity. Yes, those facts are kinda depressing.
The key is to use those facts to bolster your job search. See the stats, and know: THIS ISN'T PERSONAL. You aren't worthless. You just have a steeper climb than you usually would. That's where Holly Schearer and Kathie Hightower's "Help I'm A Military WIfe and I Want a Career, Too" can really help. It opens you up to a bigger picture of employment. Which is what we spouses really need.
This needs to change! There are so many portable careers we could develop for ourselves. I'm a "career" lawyer only because I waited to go to law school until my husband went into the reserves. But I know women who have taken five or six bar exams! Groups are springing up, and it's a painfully slow process. I'm now a part of the MSJDN, a national bar association for military spouse attorneys. We're lobbying for change in as many states as we have volunteers. But the change is, as usual, going to have to come from us. CAREER, CAREER, CAREER! Great, great article that needs much more attention.
WOW, I thought I was alone out here until I read the different posts. I was feeling like a loser with a Bachelors and a Masters. I work as a Substitute Teacher. My parents and college friends are, let's say, less than impressed. I have some dark moments when I think of moving in a few weeks only to be reminded that I am not what I dreamed I would be. Hubby, on the other hand, is constantly engaged and more than accomplished. However, just watching him have a life no longer does "it" for me. I am losing it fast!
My words exactly. Marie, all I can say is you are not alone. I was so excited to earn a Masters and begin working in my career field, never imagining that having to quit after 2 years because of a transfer, 18 years would go by. I am still not employed full-time and do not know where the time went. When your husband is deployed and you have kids to raise, it does not seem fair to think about yourself. The next thing you know, you start to lose your self-esteem. Hang in there and do what you can to treasure yourself. Don't be afraid to spend some money on anything that would enhance your skills, such as a class in computers or other training. It will help you feel good about yourself and keep your skills relevant. And at the end of the day, you supported your country while raising happy and good kids, right? If you also have a good marriage, then in my opinion, you are very blessed.
I'm a little late in joining the conversation, but just came across this article and must say I feel like the article is a little off track and discouraging towards spouses to say the least. While raising children as a career is wonderful, it shouldn't be the only thing that military wives are encouraged to pursue, which in my experience seems to be the only 'acceptable' path for many army spouses. I've had a few too many spouses look at me like I have two heads when I say I'm starting both a military career and doctorate program less than 2 months after our spouses return from deployment, and have been met more negative remarks than positive. Is it our situation ideal? not exactly, but two meaningful careers are definitely possible when both spouses are in full support of each other.
I say any military spouse who wants a career – tell the world what you want and go for it! (hopefully!!) You're going to have a lot more challenges than most women pursuing careers, but hey, military spouses are strong and resilient people who know how to adapt.