Turn it off. Turn it all off. After reading about Susan Orellana-Clark actually witnessing her husband’s death in Afghanistan during their weekly Skype date, Facebook readers started suggesting that internet darkness during deployment was preferable to this kind of tragedy at home. Turn off the Skype. Turn off the Facebook. Let cell phones be silent and texts disappear.
I agree with them. I agree with authors like Karl Marlantes who lament the time and space and distance that existed for previous generations between war and home. This war can be too fast, too furious, too close.
So turn it all off — downrange at least.
Which is the stupidest thing I ever wrote in my life. Because part of the reason the troops have coped with ten years of war may very well be because of the constant tie to home provided by technology.
Over the past four wars, research has tied troop morale to the ability to connect to loved ones at home. Face it: we family members buoy those people we love so fiercely. Those too-short phone calls about what your toddler said today and that email about whether or not you think the lawn needs to be seeded don’t seem that important during a war. They may even seem to disrupt focus on the work of war. Yet the research shows that during the most challenging times of their lives, communication with families keeps service members anchored on what is real, what is meaningful, what lasts.
This is easy to forget in the pattern of news stories about how social media occasionally bypasses official notification, like the story about a spouse who learns that her husband is dead via Facebook. Or of a spouse being notified of a KIA via text. Or this story about a spouse actually witnessing a death on Skype.
Turn it all off.
Turning off technology — even downrange — is not the answer. It isn’t even a good fantasy. Technology is the spur of this generation of military families. Every time we read one of these stories, we each rehearse what we would do if such a tragedy occurred on our own laptops or our own cell phones.
Yet we also rehearse what we would do if we were the ones who found out a friend or acquaintance’s soldier had been killed. What is the kind way to be? What is the smart thing to do? What purpose do the official patterns of notification serve? This kind of tragedy is meant to make us think how the way we conduct our relationships by cell phone or email or text or Skype.
Remember, Susan Orellana-Clark and her husband were conducting their weekly date on Skype before he died. It is tragic that he died. It is horrifying that she was present yet not present at the same time. Yet I keep turning my own thoughts to the idea that they were having a date. That she saw his face and the way his eyes lit up when she first appeared on the screen and the way he laughed and the way he told a story. Yes, technology opens a sliver of space for tragedy to occur, but so much more joy comes in door that technology opens.
About Jacey Eckhart
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I couldnt. I understand why they say this but the stress and emotional distraught I feel when I cannot see him for weeks at a time is overwhelming. My dh has been gone the full 12 months now and I cannot imagine doing it without the skype. I am grateful it is there. Now the facebook, yes. The things that have been going on are unacceptable, but you cannot control people, and you sure as hell cant expect most of them to actually be decent, and conscious of others and the right and wrong etiquette. So for that reason facebook yes. I just truly love having skype although i cant make a call without a fuzzy face that is near unrecognizable, or the constant loss of connection. BUT still it is a convenience that keeps me partially sane.
I agree. It is sad that she witnessed her husband's death, but she even released a statement saying she was glad she was with him in his last moments. Talking with my deployed husband gave him something to look forward to and something to fight for. He said it made his deployment 10 times easier. Taking this away from the soldiers would be cruel for both them and their families. It's the only connect we have to one another.
those who say turn it off – have they been there? have they sat and hoped and waited? If they haven't.. I don't think I'm going to give them any credence.
It's pretty extreme and way to easy for people to say turn it all off. I mean come on? People are going to die either way. Why not encourage that connection? I'm sad her husband died but I am happy that they had their date! Deployment is hard on both sides and technology makes things SO much easier!
Back in another age, I spent 21 months cycling in and out of Vietnam for a total of 4 tours. Between tours were an endless chain of training sessions and 1-week long R&R's (no time to get home). I would have welcomed Skype, Facebook, or texting. We managed it, but social networking would have made it a heck of a lot easier.
She could just easily have witnessed his death in person at home if he weren't deployed – how many spouses do that? How many spouses would say, "No, I don't want to be with my beloved when it's time"? Not too many. The terrible incidents where spouses were notified of a death in action before the official team could arrive show that unit members need to be vigilant about their own discipline (and use some common sense, goodness), not that servicemembers and spouses should cut off their technological connections.
I agree as well. what she went through, words can't begin to describe. But cut off a lifeline to everyone??? Are you insane!!!!! That line is what keeps us somewhat sane while our military personnel is gone. It gets me through the day knowing i can talk to my hubby for how ever long it is. And I know hubby feels the same way. To give him a pep talk if he had a bad day. To build him back up and tell him "he is the man"…something he needs to hear after a bad day. To see his kids smile and laugh at him so the days don't look so endless and without reason. Take that away from us….I don't think so!!! My son wouldn't last if that happend. Any of us really!!!
During a very stressful and constantly changing deployment of unknown length, the one anchor for both the deployed and the at home spouse is family contact. Even with everything unknown- location,length, and all the other details, technology gives them one constant focus to look forward to. When there were calls for "incoming" while I was on skype with my husband, I was both scared to look and scared to look away. Everything ended up ok, and while that memory stayed with me and always will, I was in no way hanging up that line until he had to go. I told him I love him so often in every phone call or skype. If there was a quiet time- there was an "I love you" going one way or the other. If someone were to actually proposed this as a definite- I think we would have many many wives visiting Washington and causing a very angry ruckus :)
It would help immensely if people who break OPSEC or jump the gun on death notifications are held accountable and people use their heads when contacting friends and family so that we could continue to enjoy the luxury of technology. The types of contact we enjoy are a luxury . It isn't a need, because our military will still fight and those back home will continue to live their lives without that contact. Does technology make things easier for everyone involved? Yes, but those who fought and waited during the previous wars prove that we can survive a lack of constant communication with our loved ones. I don't see the use of technology to communicate with my husband as an entitlement, I see it as a luxury that I am able to utilize and enjoy.
"It would help immensely if people who break OPSEC or jump the gun on death notifications are held accountable and people use their heads when contacting friends and family so that we could continue to enjoy the luxury of technology."
I agree! The violations to OPSEC seem to be happening so often lately.
Well I guess I'm going against the grain. I vote to turn it all off. Actually, that's what we do because it's what we HAVE to do. My husband is not permitted to Skype while he is deployed. Phone calls are rare, occurring every few weeks or months. He does not write as they do not have a solid way to send mail stateside (which should be changed IMO). But we write letters and packages. Some take three or four months to arrive but they get there.
Now it may be easier for us since this is what we are used to. Neither of us have Facebook and I send emails every once in a while and he gets to check them sometimes, when he has the time and the computers are actually connected to a speed of internet that can download mail.
What I do is record video and burn to a DVD for him to watch, send pictures and a lot of handwritten letters. It CAN be done and I'm living proof and we have done it this way during plenty of deployments.
I'm only willing to sacrifice so much of his safety, my safety and the safety of our children to feel the "face to face" connection of Skyping, etc.
You vote turn it off because that is what you already do. So…because you must live with this, everyone must? What kind of selfishness is that? That is not going against the grain, that is being a HATER! Or a snob. You choose. I have been on BOTH ends, deployed and also at home while my spouse was deployed, you are a cruel person to suggest so easily that such a comfort should be taken away- JUST BECAUSE you don't do it and it CAN BE done. Tsk tsk.
Not to be rude, but why are you voting "against the grain"? You show that things can be done the old fashioned way, and that active military can live off of bare minimum contact with family. But why does that mean that any advanced methods of communication should be shut down? If you could see him once or twice a week on skype, or be able to phone/text him every once in a while, would you turn that down and stick to the old ways?
Though I do agree that they need a lockdown on the guys that send texts or facebook before the officials have a chance to.
The reason I think it should be shut down (or at least much more limited) is because in the past few years where Skype and the like has been more common, I've noticed a LOT more stress and a bit more drama. Competition between wives of who spoke more often on webcam, rumors, etc. I also think that the every day is thrown more at the guys then it is when letters and phone calls are used. It gives them an opportunity to keep things a bit more "in the game" while keeping them in the loop with things at home.
But my feelings on this also reflect that my husband and I have a very solid marriage despite so many deployments. I can't say the same of many I know who bring the every day ups and downs to their husbands. Now that may just be purely coincidental, but the other couples who have to operate under the same circumstances (no Skype, limited phonecalls, etc) seem to have rock-solid relationships as well. So it makes me wonder how much is the lack of technology and how much is personality.
Don't vote to turn something off if have never done it. I am active duty and I have three people on Skype, my husband, parents and brother. Its the way we communicate, you talk about security? If you remember OPSEC you won't have a problem, don't put other people in the freakin dark ages of communications just because of your situation. And by the way my relationship with my husband is rock-solid that's a totally mute point you were making. Not trying to be mean but I already have to leave my baby girl now people are trying to take away me being able to talk to her? That's bullshit!
I did 32 yrs active service, Desert Storm, 3 tours of Iraq in the latest fracas. The mail was sooo important before email. Now, it is easy to keep in touch, check the bills, keep the family together, see the new kids and the old ones. I can't tell you how much I missed of my kids and family life before email. I still have letters and cards from old deployments from family. I missed several funerals of close relatives. This single incident of the wife and her husband's demise is a first in of almost 20 yrs of email. The Computer Cafes where the soldiers email are monitored along with all the computers in the deployment areas. Now the phones are usually bought on the local economy or from locals working on base. Mail takes up a lot of space,costs to store and hold. You then need postal units to handle it. Remember milvans of mail held up in 2003 during the Iraq invasion? That mail was side tracked due to the need for beans,bullets and fuel to go forward to combat. You got GPS, you got email.
Ah, but which did you prefer to get. An email from home or a letter that smelled of her perfume with a pair of lips on the letter inside hmmm? Email is a wonderful tool, but a lot of these folks are missing out on a great way to draw your family even closer despite being thousands of miles apart.
It's not either email OR mail. It's email AND mail. Don't ever get that confused. We aren't getting lazy in our letter writing (although single letters NEVER reach them…. always send them in a package). We are communicating more frequently and thus are able to stay connected more intimately…. which INCLUDES love letters with perfume and a lipstick kiss.
There needs to be stiff penalties for troops sending photos of enemy combatants, combat, corpses, and military related items. The new technology is a LUXURY!!! Many wars have been fought without it.
It is threatning to our troops on the ground and rules need to be in place and enforced as to the content they can share. Would you want me to post sexually provacative photos of your 4 yr old on line??
Free speech can only happen when people use it intelligently-
Call it censorship – because it is – but in the military we call it OPSEC
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Cell phones and other equipment has already been pulled by OPSEC in the past few months. There has been tightening down in the hot zones. With a new age of technology in our new age of war, mistakes were bound to happen. Now, we have learned and incorporate new guidelines, new policy. I believe OPSEC is ON THIS. I agree with you, but hindsight is 20-20.
Do you know how important Skype or email is too people down range? Well some of us (soldiers) don’t get mail we get email. So it’s the commands job to set NO COMPUTERS when someone gets hurt or dies for 48hours. So don’t take our social media away.
Whining is not the best way to convince people, especially those who lived with post mail only. Try writing a letter and having your wife write one too, you will be surprised how much more personal and how much better it makes you feel than an email, especially if they make it personal with some perfume or a kiss.
Why don't you just have them deliver it on the Pony Express. Come into the 21st Century. If OPSEC dictates shutting down the network then shut it down, otherwise leave it on.
Well its not the 1950's or 1969 Nam, its the 20th Century so we need our skype and some parents are disabled think of that..
C
You don't need to go back that far. During Desert Storm I was lucky to hear from my husband once a month after he waited in a long line to use the phone. We wrote lots of letters though. You are confusing need and want.
But is it really a NEED to turn off this communication entirely? I don't think so. Not at all. Especially because this is SUCH A LONG WAR and these guys have multiple deployments. They are missing much of their marriage progression… their children's childhoods… etc. This technology allows them to be as connected as possible while still doing their jobs. If it is regulated, how is this bad?
But he's saying that mail does NOT reach them. This is the case with my husband as well. He has access to email once in awhile if they stop at a post that has internet…. but they are never in one place long enough (or back at their "home base" at all for that matter) to get their mail. Every once in awhile they'll randomly intercept their packages… and it's like Christmas morning for them. But other than that…. no phone… no mail… random access to email only (no skype, facebook, etc)….. I'll take what I can get!
Here's a thought that people today are missing when it comes to the email vs mail debate. Emails, no matter how personal you make them are essentially an impersonal medium. It's just letters on the screen, maybe with a picture attached, electronic files.
What I think deployed troops and their families are missing out on today is an opportunity to actually craw your family closer together despite being thousands of miles apart. Emails and Skype, etc. are all well and good to keep up with the moment to moment happenings at home (not sure that's a great idea but it's life today), but letters, actual physical letters can be intensely personal without having to include sexual details or anything like that. A little bit of perfume, some lipstick lips, even a little piece of sheer cloth from a nightie will go a LOT further than the sexiest email you can write.
Likewise letters from the kids that mom or dad can have and hold onto even when they're nowhere near a computer can provide an amazing morale boost. But people are so wrapped up in being able to Skype home so they can deal with some current family issue (do what your mom/dad tells you to do Johnny!) they are missing out on this aspect of being deployed.
Turn it off. Turn it all off. After reading about Susan Orellana-Clark actually witnessing her husband’s death in Afghanistan during their weekly Skype date, Facebook readers started suggesting that internet darkness during deployment was preferable to this kind of tragedy at home. Turn off the Skype. Turn off the Facebook. Let cell phones be silent and texts disappear.
Tragic, however Susan is lucky that she was able to share the last few moment of her husband's life. That is about as close as you can get without actually being there. Death affects us all differently and I guess some folks just don't want to know.
This is insane! Why is it America always tries to make new laws and rules after something happens, even freak accidents like this one! Its annoying, this is what our troops live for on deployments!!
I am a retired army SSG. All three of my sons have been in the army. My youngest son will soon be at his first permanent duty station, in Germany, along with his wife and three children..
In general, I agree with this column. There is a saying in the legal community, "hard cases make bad law." We don't need a new law every time something happens. And it's great that my son, if deployed, will have the ability to communicate with his family.
However, I would add that there are times when social networks and technology need to be controlled. The "I can't live without my I-phone" mentality doesn't work in an environment where concentration, noise and light discipline, security, and other considerations can be a matter of life and death. It might be reasonable, for example, to prohibit outside contact (yes, even if if messes up someone's Skype date) until a death notification has been properly delivered.
I'm surprised to see social networking like Facebook being lumped in with more personal, one-on-one tools like Skype & email. When most people post on Facebook they set the post for all friends to see, not limited to one person. Likewise, when most people Skype it is usually with one person; an email from downrange to a relative is usually sent to one person, like a letter. There is a huge difference. Skype, texting, email are great tools for keeping families in touch, but IMHO Facebook and Twitter can be dangerous during deployment, and I wouldn't mind seeing them banned during that time.
yes you are so right about the facebook and twitter and date lines for any military soldier too be on with there militaryinfo people ar stilling there info and using it too scam is why it is so bad i do have my face book time line but all i add is my famil all else is blocked but the men not all dont think about stuff like that ad add all kinds of people they dont know are trust.and this is how we are comming up with so many hacking and scam reports on the military and make us look bad.couse america thinks the money is really going too the soldiers but as far as it is too keep in touch with family and close friends it is safe and hrmless and use full the soldiers just need too know what not too do.yes most of the men are single and wont too meet women but they need too know te safer ways about doing it.beouse a lot of scames are comming from women.
Well Facebook offers a chat function… like IM and also video chat. My husband doesn't have internet where he's deployed… let along Facebook or Skype. HOWEVER my best friend's husband is more fortunate. Facebook chat is more reliable and doesn't require a separate program to be downloaded onto a USO computer in the Internet rooms…. so it's more user friendly if you have to use a computer that isn't yours… and doesn't already have skype downloaded onto it.
The only thing I can say in this moment is that prayers go out to this wife, this family. My heart goes out this wife. We all depend on the technology for updates. Perhaps we can learn from this experience and incorporate guidelines for tech use.
I don't think turning it all off is the answer. We need some form of communication with loved ones who are deployed. The only thing I can say, and think is enforcing total blackout when a service member passes away while deployed more than it is now.
Those who go against the blackout, and inform someone else a service member died need to be punished to the full extent. Spouses who do the same need to get their butts handed to them as well.
It's disgusting, and disgraceful some people cannot keep their mouths shut when a service member passes away. It's not your(general) right to tell so and so that this or that service member died. You need to let the family have the dignity, and honor of that is meant for them with the official notification process. To rip that from them shows you lack the common sense, and sympathy one should have to be part of this big family we call the military…and with that you shouldn't be part of this family if you can't keep quiet.
yes i wont to say dont take away all the men work 4 they have very little time to chat and text as it is and when they do have time to they need it and deserve it. do not take away the only way they have to see and talk to there family are soldiers deserve that time they get and then some my man is a col in afgan im a military worker as well we hardly speak as it .is dont take away from all for one incadent that cant be explained yet and think of it this way what if she would not been on chat and video and watched it tok 2 hours too get some one on the phone 2 him how long would that man layed there dead other wisei look at it this way if i was on video i with my man and he got killed are shot i would at least know what was going on and not be worried about him i worry dont get me wrong but in the military death is a thing you know to be prepared for.i love my soldier with all my heart and pray he comes home safe everyday l of my life but i also know to be prepared for the worst.dont take these mens only thang they have there they look forard to.it aint fair to them are there family.
No social network should be used downrange for security reasons. Period!
Turn it off? Anybody who thinks that is a good idea, I invite you to taste my fist as it firmly contacts your face. Being away from home often, these portals offer me a relationship with my wife not once available to military members. If your opinion differs, you’ve probably never deployed.
I think it should be the discretion of the man & woman when where and why they turn it off. Not anyone else. Put that in your pipe and smoke it!
My husband doesn't have those capabilities AND the satellite phone their team used to call home every once in awhile was recently shut off. I am able to get an email about once a week or so…. which means if we have a miscommunication or misunderstanding… it doesn't get resolved for like a month. That's a long time to worry if the words you said last would be it. It puts a toll on intimacy, we find it harder to connect because we can't maintain a conversation. When he comes home, it's going to be very hard and we will need extra help because of the lack of communication and support we received due to him being so remote. WE aren't the only ones. Marriage in the military is hard especially when there is a significant separation. Why make that harder?