Meg Jay, author of The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter And How To Make The Most Of Them Now, says that in our 20s, we are meant to get two things in order: work and love. (Read more about military spouses and their love choices here.)
By marrying a military member in our 20s, we spouses often find that the work part of the happy life equation is suddenly much harder. We all know risks military spouses take in the career world. Can’t we just skip work and focus on lovelovelove?
We could. That is, we could if our 30s and 40s and 50s were never ever going to show up. Clinical psychologist Meg Jay, who specializes in adult development, points out that if there were a quiz over whether or not you had wasted your 20s, the quiz might have three questions:
- Do you have the career that you want?
- Do you have the relationship you want?
- Do you have time to have all the kids that you want?
Although happiness comes from many factors, work and relationships are the biggest factors that contribute to life satisfaction. We lay down the groundwork for these things in our all-important 20s.
So what happens if you marry a military member and get the love and kid part of the equation settled. (Yay you.) Then what do you do about the work factor?
Jay suggests that many people in this country are self-employed or work part-time or hustle their networks like nobody’s business. That extra effort to make work actually work might just be part of your life equation—it might be the cost of getting the love you want. If you think of it like that, that extra effort might and not that big of a deal when it comes to life satisfaction.
“Just start with one thing that seems meaningful and interesting,” Jay advises those who are trying to get their work life in order. “Don’t compare yourself to other people. Comparisons always make you feel bad. It is especially unfair to compare yourself to women or men who devote all their time to building their career. You might have something on the relationship front that they wish they had.”
In military life, our 20s are a developmental sweet spot that only comes once. These are the years in which it is easiest to start the lives that we want. We want love and marriage and sometimes the baby carriage—but starting some kind of movement toward a profession also seems to be part of what happy military lives are made of.
About Jacey Eckhart
Comments
I feel so much for younger couples taking the journey into military life .I can remember being 20 and thinking I was so mature for my age, and my life was in order. Looking back I was a 'hot mess' lol! If I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have made the same mistakes. Granted this is not for every young couple because there are too many things to consider. That aside, a lot of what you are. who you are, what you do and everything else in your early 20's is just a stepping stone to the rest of your lives. It can, and often IS hard for a lot of people. Add having babies, the stress of deployments , and the whole military lifestyle and it can stress ya out!
I guess I'm lucky that at 27(him)/28(me), and 8 years of marriage behind us, he wanted to take the leap into the Army. It is true there is so much you learn in your 20's and into your 30's. I wouldn't take anything back, but if I could tell my 20 year old self to do things this or that way I would.
I already have a career that can mobilize and go wherever we go. That's all well and good for me, but I know that a lot of women,and men long for a steady career. I think we should have more resources for MIL/MANSpouses to have home careers. I know there's a ton of information out there, but a lot do not know where to begin or how to begin.
I don't think it's fair to assume that a woman who has chosen love and kids in her 20's has lost her ability or passion to find further satisfaction with her life during her 30's and beyond . Work isn't the only defining aspect of one's worth or substantial contribution to society. Our lives are made up of chapters that become a book of short stories that reveal the different roles we undertake during our life experience. The best thing about our lives is that we have choices and we have the opportunity to change our path as many times as we wish. Nothing is set in stone. I made many poor decisions in my early 20's and who would have thought that I would be where I am today, in my 40's, instead of 6 ft under before I made it to my 30's. What I do in my life matters. I may not have a profession, but what I do has value to me and my family. Who knows what my life will be when my kids have families of their own, but I'm not worried. I'm sure that I will find what I need to keep me getting up every morning and looking forward to another day.
"Our lives are made up of chapters that become a book of short stories that reveal the different roles we undertake during our life experience."
What a great way to describe spouse life!! The "chapter" of my 20s was all about love and babies. Toward the end of that chapter I had some foreshadowing that I wanted to write. But the career part didn't really come into play until my 30s. Just because your 20s end without a firm idea of career, doesn't mean the story is over…
I'm in my 50's now, having gotten into this military life when others my age are getting out! My 20's were spent in school and working, my 30's were spent raising kids, my 40's running a practice –all in the civilian sector. I did have friends, but nothing like what spouses have in the military. I think women in their 20's in the military –in spite of the moves, and considerable stresses, have an incredible support network that's built into the community. I encourage them to take advantage of everything -from the friendships to the educational opportunities. That support network just isn't as easy to make or maintain when they get out.
And I agree with Mel. Throughout one's life there are different mantles we carry –from military spouse, mother, professional woman, and whatever it is, we do the best we can with dignity and an eye toward being supportive. Now in my 50's I've embarked upon a new professional career, as well as volunteer opportunities –ones I never really dreamed of. Life is good. And the military is interesting and fulfilling.
While the article says the 20's are a developmental sweetspot that only occurs once, the reality is that throughout the life span there are sweetspots where and when we want to create or embrace them.