I think I could vomit right now. In fact, that burning sensation may have hit my throat a few times already and I was able to swallow it back down. Why you ask? Because of the report that came out this week that in 155 days of 2012, 154 service members have died at their own hands. That is more than the number of our men and women who have died in Afghanistan this year at the hands of our enemy.
Why is this happening? Why are so many of the bravest warriors making it home alive from a war zone only to kill themselves?
We can all speculate as to why the military suicide rate is so high. And many will even point fingers. I don’t want to do either with this blog. Not because I don’t have thoughts of my own on this subject, but because what good will it do to play the blame game?
On top of us losing 154 service members to suicide this year, it is stated that we lose 16 veterans a day to suicide as well. Those are all sobering numbers. Numbers that just don’t make sense. Numbers that could be much higher if deaths including risky behavior were involved. Many of these veterans who come back and want to blow off steam, they drive fast, take chances and sometimes make poor decisions based on impulse.
I am not a veteran, so I have no clue what it’s like. I never saw war. I never saw my buddy killed in front of me. I never had to choose to kill or be killed. I never had to wonder why I am still alive and someone I know isn’t. I never had to seek shelter from mortars raining down on me. I never had to feel the pressure that if I screw up, I could kill all those with me. I never had to get my ass chewed out on a daily basis by some PT stud with stripes on his shirt that tell me he is “the big dog”. But that doesn’t mean I don’t understand military suicide just a little bit.
When my wife was deployed, I found myself in a dark place. I contemplated suicide. I never got past the “things would be better if I were dead” stage, but who knows what stage people get to before they decide to actually kill themselves. It’s not like you can ask someone who killed them self if it was some long thought out plan or if it was on impulse.(and if I need to explain why you can’t ask a suicide victim that, please stop reading my blog)
I sought help. But I found the red tape. I didn’t use trigger words. But did I really need to?
What is triggering this rush of stomach acid up my esophagus and bringing up some bad memories is the fact I am currently working with a homeless veteran who is 1,300 miles away. He is 31 years old and an ex Marine. He served for (I believe) 8 years. He was part of the offensive and defensive in Fallujah, so he has seen and experienced these things I haven’t. He fought 8 years for our country, firing on people who wanted him killed as well as saving those exact same people, because that’s how humane people do it. So why in the hell is he homeless?
He doesn’t have a TBI. He has no PTSD. Well, he doesn’t have those things because he isn’t diagnosed with them, so it doesn’t mean he doesn’t have them. When he got out of the military a few years ago, those things weren’t as commonly diagnosed as they are now. So instead of him getting help back then, he is trying to get it now. And we all know how backlogged the VA is. And the hoops they make ya jump through…. UGH!
Having talked with him off and on for the last couple weeks he has given me no indication he is suicidal. But that doesn’t mean I don’t worry. What happens if the storage place he has his belongings in finds out AGAIN that he is sleeping in the unit? Will they kick him on the street? Will that be the final straw? What happens when he goes to his VA appointment on Monday, hoping for some real answers, only to find out that the 6 hour drive was a “take a handful of these and come back in 90 days to tell us how you are doing” type of appointment? What happens when someone suggests to him that his best option is to call the veterans assistance hotline only to explain to the receptionist what is going on who then transfers him to someone else to explain his situation who then transfers him to someone else who is either away from their desk or out of the office? Could that be what pushes him over the edge? I mean, it’s not like he has a nice air conditioned home to go home to and hook his laptop up to in order to get distracted. The dude is living in a storage unit in Florida in June. That in itself would make many consider putting a bullet through their head just to stop the sweating and mosquitoes from biting.
This guy is NOT a deadbeat addict/junkie/alcoholic. He holds down a part time job with Home Depot where he gets all the hours they can give him(20-32), he finds a way to keep up his hygiene, he is smart and he is personable. This guy is just down on his luck and he is sitting there reaching out for help, but it’s just not there. Well it is there… but you have to wait… and wait… and wait for it.
This veteran I have been speaking of is still going to the VA on Monday and we all know he won’t have his problem solved then, at that moment. He will most likely be dropped off somewhere close to his storage unit when it’s over and he will retreat to his “humble abode minus a commode” as he calls it. And there he will wait…. and wait… and wait.
We can all only hope that he is stronger than the 16 veterans a day that are taking their lives. And we can only pray that on Monday when he makes that trip to the VA, that somehow and someway he will get the resources he needs. We know they are there….. it’s a matter of having a big enough and sharp enough pair of scissors to cut through the red tape.
About Wayne Perry
Comments
First off, thank you for reaching out to this Marine. What he's dealing with is inhumane – that's how the VA treats our veterans – inhumanely because their hands are tied by the government's bloated desire to inflate itself while cutting every corner it can for the men and women who keep our country safe.
Secondly, please, please, please tell me there's a way to extend financial assistance to this Marine. I'm not talking about hand outs, I'm talking about extending this Marine – and any others like him that you know – the community support of the military that we all know will come from our meager pockets because we know the system will shunt us into the same place this guy is in.
Canyoung you let us know if there is any way to help this gentlemen?
Great post but I think I'm going to make what you feel even worse. It is 18 a day committing suicide or last report put it at every 80 minutes. The trouble with that is, if a veteran commits suicide and is not in the VA system, they are not counted. If a serviceman or woman has been discharged, the military doesn't count them either. The numbers are a lot higher than reported.
Then you have the veterans committing vehicular suicide where they ram their car, truck or motorcycle into something hoping they won't survive and their family can at least get the insurance money.
We've been studying PTSD for 40 years but have failed the troops even longer. History proved that and now, veterans still pay the price along with their families.
My husband is spending his 43rd day in an Army Hospital Mental Ward with a diagnosis of Adjustment Disorder. He's been active duty for almost 18 years. Wasn't the same man after returning from his 4th deployment in 2010. Sought help on his own through Army System Behavioral Health. Was tormented by his platoon SGT every time he had an appointment. Continued to decay instead of improve, and finally snapped.
While in the hospital for the first 18 days, he was told he knew right from wrong and was CHOOSING to feel as miserable as he did. His (and my own) efforts to talk to the doctor about what seemed to be premature discharge from the facility were met with documentation that I was second guessing the docs judgement and my husband was trying to manipulate into staying there longer (because every father of the Joint Base Family of the Year wants to be away longer?).
The Chaplain of our Sunday Chapel Service didn't think things looked right with my husband after the service and had a few words with him, shortly after telling me my husband needed to get to the ER ASAP as he was in suicidal crisis, had a plan, and had already satisfied a few goodbyes to his best effort. He saved my husband's life and possibly ours, as he had justified taking us out if we interfered.
He will ETS next year after 18 years of service, with nothing at this point. No negative counselings, no disciplinary actions, NCOERs plastered with 1s and 2s. Just a soldier who loves his country, loved the Army, worked his tail off to get his promotion points up in the 760 range before the reset a year ago, but had adjusted to the idea that he was starting civilian life at the end of this enlistment contract. He was trying to do what he needed to get his head fixed before ETS, but was harassed for seeking help. He didn't want to be a drain or dead weight, which is part of the suicidal status, but it's still called Adjustment Disorder.
Anybody know what else he was supposed to be adjusting to since his symptoms go back to the 2010 return from deployment? Also, when does his family get briefed on what to look for, or checked in on for how we are dealing with things?
Ya – I believe the stats are under reported, and I believe the unraveling of my family of 6 is becoming another one while we watch him continue to have disordered adjustment – not PTSD right? Because that might cost the taxpayers his retirement or at least medical care beyond ETS, and his life plus the future of his four children are worth less than that right? Am I adding this up correctly?
Thanks for the place to be heard.
Don't step back from this! Make lots and lots of noise. Go to the hospital and demand to see the Commander in charge. Go to his Command and demand to see his Commander. Tell them you are perfectly willing to go to the news services with this if they do not drop everything to save your husband's life. Because that's what it's going to boil down to. He's not going to stop being suicidal from his clearly severe PTSD just by ETSing. Scream bloody murder and threaten to embarrass every one of those undeserving officers BY NAME to the press if they will not help him.
Mine came back from his third deployment (15 years active) just recently and I watched like a hawk for any signs – signs I only knew because I served as Casualty Management in Germany. I still watch. If mine went through this, you can believe I would do everything I'm asking you to do.
Thank you for your encouragement. It matters to me that at least one person heard me and acknowledged this trauma. Our nine year old son was not assigned a therapist at the Child and Family Assistance Center on post, because the Military Family Life Consultants embedded in our schools are supposed to be the mental health resources for kids this young.
After missing 4 days of school due to vomiting and continuous crying (no other symptoms of apparent illness), which got treated with a Zofran prescription, he returned to school. When he began another crying episode in school, the MFLC could not de-escalate him, so the nurse recommended he be brought home.
He misses his Daddy. He misses his Mommy when she is trying to help Daddy get what he needs to get well. He misses "normal" in his family, like our dinner times, community service projects, routines, and happier, or at least "no hospital visits", times. He misses feeling more safe, since my husband's truck was broken into 2 days into the hospitalization (no CDs or anything valuable taken – just his portable file case busted open, papers everywhere and an adjusted hand receipt left on the drivers seat).
Mommy is trying to keep a brave and comforting face for everyone, while she looks desperately for some kind of model or prototype of a family re-integration plan after military mental health hospitalization. What do we look for? How can we trust Daddy is better now when he was hours away from suicide that he planned to spare us the pain of, by taking us out first? When is the doc going to start helping Daddy understand the family he thinks he'll return to is now a part of history? or help Daddy to understand that he cannot pick his son up from school until we can be sure he won't decide to disappear with him?
According to the earlier answers I received from the doc for these questions. His duty is only to the patient and the patient's command when it comes to discharge briefing, and since the Army is "doing more with less" these days, they don't have the staff or other resources to support family re-integration plans. On top of that, the average stay, I was told, is 4 1/2 to 5 days………which now brings me back to my original frustration……..we are pushing 50 total days of hospitalization for Adjustment Disorder?!!! According to my research, that is NOT appropriate treatment for that diagnosis, but I'm just an insignificant Army Spouse, not entitled to answers, safety, or a future free of worry for my husband's life.
Sorry to rant. I'm having trouble sleeping now and I get wordy when I'm tired. Again, thank you from my heart that you replied earlier. This is challenging our resiliency more than ever before, but this Mommy will be damned if this is going to destroy our family! It just makes me wonder how many other families are out there with similar situations, and not the first clue that this stuff is WRONG!
Don't apologize for needing to talk, needing someone to listen to you and take you seriously. I'm doing that, believe me.
You need to write to your Congressmen and Senators – list all the doctor's visits, include their reports, all your concerns, everything! It's the last resort I would tell anyone to pursue but it can work if you can get their attention and these days with all the military suicides in the news, this is where they will bring down some serious heat onto that Command for you.
I manage a blog, homelessnessinjacksonville.blogspot.com about homelessness in Onslow County, where Camp Lejeune is and I would like to talk to you about sharing your blog, re-posting and talking to you about your post and working together on posting this type of information about homelessness and veterans. Please get in touch with me.
Wayne,
Thanks for your post bringing much-needed attention to this horrific national crisis.
We too are working to stem the unnecessary epidemic of suicides, divorces, and devastated lives derived from post-traumatic stress and other psychological wounds. BOOTSTRAP, which will soon be available online, is a home-based program that has been proven effective in healing our troops and veterans in less than an hour per day.
The program is free and we are currently accepting advanced requests for assistance at http://www.bootstrapusa.com.
Thanks again for your post–and your work to support out troops and veterans!
Best regards,
E