After writing my open letter to a naive National Guard spouse yesterday I got to thinking about all the the things that I really wish someone would’ve told me when I married into the military. The letter speaks to guard spouse Lacey Vermeulen, who went to her local news station outraged that her husband’s mid-tour leave had been pulled. Perhaps if she had known, however, that leave changes are just another day at the beach, she would’ve let it roll off her back and moved on.
So here are my top five things I wish someone would’ve told me when I was a brand new military spouse bride. Since there are about one million things someone should’ve told me and I have whittled it down to only five, there are probably things that you think are important but are not included here. Feel free to add yours in the comment section. Maybe our crowd wisdom will keep some military bride somewhere from making the same mistakes I or Lacey Vermeulen did.
1. The military never, ever does what they say they are going to do. This is so hard because the promises sound so wonderful when they are made, and emotions run so high when you hear things like “we’ll send him home early!” and “you can have two full weeks of uninterrupted-by-dumb-problems leave!” But think about it this way: the unpredictability makes the whole thing a big adventure. The only thing you can bet on is that the thing they said they’d do is not the thing that will happen. So buckle your seatbelt and enjoy the ride. That’s “glass half-full” sort of stuff.
2. The chain of command applies to you, too, if only by default. I am a girl who likes to get around the normal flow of things and go straight to the top. When I call the cable company about some sort of billing shenanigan I don’t even bother with the little man — I ask for the manager right away. Things just get done faster that way.
But that doesn’t work in the military. You have to play by the rules. Why? Because you are an extension of your servicemember. And while technically those bossmen can’t control what you do, your spouse can and will get in trouble if you make his commander look bad. That means when something you feel is unjust goes down you have to first go through the chain of command to fix it. Hint: start by talking to your family readiness group leader.
3. Military life does not come with a manual — but there are manuals out there. Do a quick Amazon search and you’ll see plenty of books by plenty of fabulous people on surviving military life … even our very own SpouseBuzz Boss Lady Jacey has written one.
This list on Amazon is a pretty good rundown of books, but there are plenty more out there.
4. Ask for help from an older spouse. I know it can be a bit daunting to just walk-up to someone you’ve never met and ask them for advice. But I can promise you it will help. At your first family group meeting try introducing yourself to the family group leader and saying something like “I have no idea what I’m doing and I have a lot of questions about how to navigate military life. Can you help me?” I bet they will be happy to lend you a hand. Why? Because we have all been in your shoes at some point.
5. The internet is a big ol’ military support group. There are plenty of websites and Facebook pages out there run by people who just want to complain or who simply want someone to commiserate with. But there are also lots and lots of great communities rich with helpful information and people who have been there, done that, know it sucks and want to help you through it. SpouseBuzz is one of those places — but there are plenty of others. For example, if you are in the Army the Army Wife Network is a great place to go. If you are a ManSpouse check out Wayne Perry’s new group for spouse dudes.
So welcome to the military family, bride [or groom]. We know it’s scary — but we’re also here to take care of you. If you give it a chance you may just fall in love with the military life like I have.
About Amy Bushatz
Comments
Thanks for the advice. As a soldier in AIT's girlfriend, I gotta admit I'm still pretty overwhelmed by everything. There are just so many "What if's?" in our lives right now and 75% of them are purely Army related!! Haha, I am the kind of person who had 2 calendars, a planner and everything in my life and half of my future organized, so it's nice to know that the "OMG this is insane!" feeling I've been having is normal. I've gotten used to the revolving list of potential problems that always seem to follow me everywhere. To top it off I am in a weird situation: he is doing the Simultaneous Membership Program with ROTC and NG where he'll commission after graduation. And the plan is to get married some time between now and then. I just haven't found a lot of people who can offer advice since they haven't been through it before. Wish I didn't feel like I was treading water in an endless black ocean on my own.
Well we may not have done SMP buuuuut we all know what it's like to be overwhelmed and live in "what-ifs!" That's just part of life for, um … forever. But! You learn to enjoy it. Really :-). There's always going to sometimes more and sometimes less "what-ifs." The key is just embracing them as part of the life instead of waiting for them to end.
True. Just because you can't control life doesn't mean you can just throw plans to the wind. But I've gotten a lot better at just going with the flow and all. I'm just not used to these particular "what ifs." But it would be sooo nice just to talk to someone who knows how it all works, you know? Or had some advice going in to it. Just knowing I'm not the only one would be a huge relief: "If they survived, then you can too!" kinda of motivation.
Can I recommend Facebook? If your husband is in AIT, you should check out the U.S. Army Future Soldier Family Program's Facebook page. There you can ask questions and meet LOTS of other new-to-the-Army spouses & family members. Just look for it on Facebook! Or friend me & I'll introduce you around! I'm an AIT wife myself! :)
Oh, the Future Soldier Family Program is also for girlfriends/fiancees as well! And like I said, I'd be happy to introduce you around! Most of the other AIT SO's I know are wives, but we've got a few husbands in our motley gang and a couple of girlfriends, too!
Yes! Go to Facebook. Strength in numbers! My only caution would be that you also seek out answers from people who know — when you have a problem do your research. Ask us here. Call someone on base. Asking questions to other new people may feel good, but since they probably dont know the answer since they're in that spot, too, it'll likely lead to misinformation or just a lot of complaining. :-)
Thanks for the help! I know exactly the group you are talking about Holly. I've learned a lot from that group and they've been very welcoming to me, even as a girlfriend. However, whenever I ask specific questions about either SMP or National Guard, they say that they are only familiar with active duty situations. Which I understand completly, since guard policies change with each state, but it would be sooo nice to know how the SMP process works. I just want to help him however I can and organization, paperwork and deadlines are my specialty. :}
And Amy, that's my thoughts exactly. I would love to find someone who's been through what he's going to be doing when he comes home. It's difficult to navigate the timeline and all the benefits are different. He gets a weird non-rank, he doesn't even know what scholarships and allowances he'll receive, if any. Sigh. It's just a little overwhelming and I haven't found a lot of information which always makes me feel better.
Again, thanks for the advice and kind words, it really means a lot! And of course, makes me feel a little more relaxed!
Glad to meet another AIT wife. I know the page you are talking about. There very friendly and welcomeing to newbies like me, but whenever I asked a question about the national guard they said they were only familiar with active duty stuff. Which I get, because it changes state to state, but its hard to navigate since the guard has some differences and rotc has even more. Lol and to top it off, were not married, yet, so ive run into a lot of just a girlfriend barriers to finding information… i just want to know what hes going to need to do when he comes home so i can help him as much as posssible. Thanks for the suggestion though. I seriously dont think Id have made it through this without online support groups like AFS :)
A trend I've noticed around new military spouses is many times the spouses don't really understand the orders process. I'm coming from an enlisted point of view and officers may get a bit more…let's say lenience, but generally speaking when a servicemember gets orders, they get the option to accept them or get out of the military branch. So basically the servicemember doesn't get a choice in where they're going, they only get to choose whether or not to stay in their military branch. And that's only if they've re-enlisted at least one time. If it's a first enlistment thing the only thing they can really say is "When do I leave?"
I think this is great. But, I also want to add to get your family eagle roster or whatever your soldier’s unit calls it. Invite some of the spouses to your home and do not wait for them. Sometimes invites get forgotten or not passed on correctly. If no FRG (family readiness group) inquire about helping start one.
These are great tips! I’m engaged to a soldier, and I come from a non military family so everything is new to me! It was also hard for me to learn how to adjust to “plan in pencil” because I am such a scheduled person!! I know what I want, when I want it, but the Army always has a mind of its own. There have been times that our visits (we live 3 hours away from each other) have been cut short or interrupted, and the worst was when he was returning from deployment. That last week before he came back it seemed like the plans changed twice a day!! It was excruciating, but once he was in my arms it didn’t matter anymore. I think being forced to be flexible has been a good thing for me and my personality. Right now he’s hanging in limbo as he does post-deployment work with his current unit and is slated to move to a different unit, and there are 4 possibilities…2 of which will be deploying again very soon…in which case our wedding will be postponed for even longer. Whatever happens is what’s meant to be…my advice to others who are new at this is to just savor every single moment you get to be with your loved one! Our dudes are very special indeed. :)
Thank you. My husband and I got married about a week before he went to boot, and I'm currently overwhelmed with everything. This really helped.