Breanna describes herself as “the girlfriend/fiancee/unofficial wife” of a young guy in the Air Force. Her boyfriend Matthew is deploying for the first time this year. He is cool about it. Breanna is not.
In a recent note Breanna wrote, “I’m worried more about what might happen than about what actually will happen.” She is also concerned about the logistics of the deployment.
“Whatever you call me, I am not the official dependent of my grunt,” Breanna wrote. “It causes a lot of problems when I go on or off of base. I always get hassled by the men on security at the main gate, no matter the fact that I am heading on to the base simply for an FRG meeting.”
The fact that Breanna is going to an FRG meeting makes me love her. In fact, I’m a big fan of any military boyfriend or girlfriend who gets involved with the command during a deployment. I think that shows some common sense — as well as a whole lot of courage.
Yet is that enough to get through a deployment? I’m not sure. While I know a lot about deployment in general, I don’t know anything about being a girlfriend or boyfriend or fiancée during deployment. How do you stay in touch with the command if you aren’t the official family member? Are other family members nice to you or are you left out? What’s the best way to deal with the gate guard question? What’s your advice for girlfriends and boyfriends of our deploying service members?
About Jacey Eckhart
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I have yet to get involved with any offical FRG events while my fiance is deployed. I also didn't do so when he was my boyfriend and deployed.
That said, a few of the wives in his immediate social circle included me both as girlfriend and now as fiance in their schedules, whether it be for a party or girls night out or shopping day. When he came home last year, it was a squadren wife that met me at the gate and signed me onto base for the homecoming.
Were I not working full time, planning a wedding, and balancing my own extended family obligations, i'd probably try and get involved in the FRG. As it is, I enjoy being on the email list, and adding each event to my calander just to have some conflict come up each time :)
OK- I’ve only been with my soldier for about 3 months. Both of us have been divorced in the past and have finally figured out what we want in a partner. Great news is: It’s the other person! :)
We have already discussed gettin married, me moving to his “town” and finding work.
Concerns: His current assignment ends in 6 months, he has NO idea where his next assignment will be, for how long. I’m terrified to leave my home / job in another city without any kind of information of next steps, without any kind of commitment. I love this man. He is easily, the Love of my Life!
Does anyone have any suggestions? I want to continue to work, because I feel it is important that we both contribute to our financial future. Should I continue to look for full-time jobs in HIS town, before there is a commitment made? I understand the Army is unpredictable and plans can change all the time.
I really have NO idea how to navigate this situation. Any advice, comments, words of wisdom, etc. would be most appreciated!
What groups should I join? What is the best way to look for a job with the usa.gov positions? Seriously, ANY suggestions / advice is going to help me somehow.
Thanks! :)
Thank you so much for bringing this up! It's really hard and frustrating being a soldiers girlfriend sometimes. It really, really hurts when I face a situation where love isn't considered enough. My boyfriend is currently at AIT and I have had numerous difficulties these past 6 months transitioning into the Army. While he was at BCT, I didn't recieve any of the information about contacting him, what to do in an emergency, etc. but he promised his mother would send me the info. She refused and said "Look it up online;" I was terrified, without the love of my life for the first time in three years and completely lost. I honestly don't know what I would have done without his training company's facebook page.
Your boyfriend's mother sounds…lovely… :/
Tell me about it! Plus, I don't come from a military background so everything was completely new!
I'll tell you one thing. If you guys do end up getting married, one of the unofficial perks of the military lifestyle is having to move away from home and the mother-in-law. I currently have an ocean separating me from mine. ;)
I would suggest to wives to include the girlfriend/boyfriend; don't treat us like we not important, just because we don't matter "legally." We get enough of that from the command with all their rules that work against us. We go through many of the same confusion, challenges and daily stress as you, but we have to do it all on our own. To my fellow significant others? Stay strong, it gets easier. ASK FOR HELP and just be there for your soldier, no matter who tells you that you "aren't family." Also, just because everything seems to push you down the asile, don't rush in to a marriage. Take the time to make sure you can handle the challenges of being a military spouse BEFORE you say "I do."
I am a fiancee of a wonderful US Marine that is deployed and face some of the same problems. I unfortunately live too far away to attend any of the FRG meetings and events and feel left out and alone most of the time. Trying to get information is extremely hard, because I am not family. Most of the time I feel like I am struggling and surviving this deployment all by myself with out any support. I don't live in a place where there is a military base so no one around here knows what I am going through. What is worse is there is the kind of attitude that since I am not yet my Marine's wife I some how care less, or am undeserving of being part of the community or support.
His deployment was very hard on me as a girlfriend. The wives were originally nice to me. Shortly after his deployment i noticed we were being left out of things. When i asked i was told i would no longer be included because i was not a dependant. I would also not recieve any info from the FRG for the same reason. His mother called to tell me what time to pick him up because she had to work. Once at the airport i was introduces as my longtime boyfriend’s “friend, or something”. I havent spoken to anyone military related, other than my boyfriend, since that day and will most likely never speak to another wife. They have no idea how hard they made that year for us and i hope no one ever makes them feel as unwanted and disrespected as they made me feel. I did exactly what they did all year, i just didnt get the last name and discounts. I should have mattered to them too
When my husband deployed I was a girlfriend… and not one living near base. The only way I could get information is if a wife in the unit would tell me (thankfully I had one who kept in me the loop whenever she could) or his mom passed me information. The FRO with his unit refused to talk to me or include me in her emails, even when relating to homecoming details. I understand the safety needed but it was very frustrating and hurtful at the time. I just wanted to know what was going on and know my guy was safe. Luckily I had a wife on my side but I know some people aren't as lucky as I was.
I really feel for women who are military girlfriends. They go through many of the same worries and challenges wives do, only they don't get the legal or financial support or any other perks you get when you're married. Plus you probably have to deal with wives who dismiss you or think you're somehow "less than" because you're not married, as if being a wife is some kind of status. I have nothing but respect for girlfriends who stand by their men supporting them when the military community really doesn't give them much support in return.
Thaks so much! It means a lot. I said something similar in my second comment but it didn't show up? But I'm glad someone else feels the same!
Thank you for that. I am a girlfriend to a soldier who was deployed for two years, and is now stationed 4 hours away from me. Thankfully my guy keeps me in the loop but I can't begin to tell you how great it feels when someone from the FRG includes me in an e-mail, even if it's for an event I cannot get to because I am so far away. Being 'only' the girlfriend constantly makes you feel like the outsider looking in, and being 'just the girlfriend' makes you a second class citizen in some peoples eyes.
Thank you! I've been fortunate to not have to go through deployment yet, and my boyfriend keeps me in the loop, but I'm so nervous about when he finally does leave. Hopefully I'll have time before that to build strong bonds with the wives and other s/os. Sometimes I think that the wives forget that THEY were once girlfriends. They should consider that.
Im so glad I found this article!! Im a 48 yr old who quit my job, left myfamily/grandchildren to move in with my BF/Fiance thinking he wouldn't be deployed for another year or so. Thinking this would give us time to get settled in, find me a job, make friends. WRONG…….he was informed two weeks after I moved in with him he was getting deployed. He has been deployed for a week now. Im here by myself, don't know a soul other then the people I work with…..who are relatively younger then me. I have met a couple of the wives but I get a sense from everybody that Im not in the "click". Military is all new to me. Everybody tells me there is support groups here……thats great but I can't get on base. So I guess I will depend on myself for support and lots of phone calls to family.
Its really normal these days not to have a lot of local support–for wives as well as girlfriends I call that phenomenon Support Group of One! That’s why we do SpouseBuzz online and on Facebook. We want to be there supporting your best life even when you are separated from your own clan.
I am a girlfriend currently coming up to the end of a short (only 3 months) of a deployment. We moved to the area while his unit was just on the verge of coming home so he got sent overseas to help them return (it was quite a shock only, of course, being revealed a week AFTER i quit my job, and got ready to move to join him). Being essentially nothing to the Army has been extremely difficult. The FRG has tried to be welcoming but having to support myself financially means working an hour away, so getting to the meetings (though I've attended some after begging my boss to let me off early) has been hard. Thankfully I have a wonderful relationship with his parents, and they try to tell me info they get but he doesn't talk to them much. From what I hear, the army FRG's are a lot more welcoming of girlfriends than they used to be, but I just don't feel right around them. Being the "girlfriend" could hardly mean more than "some girl he met the night before he deployed and wanted someone to skype with" and it makes me feel so small time.
Thankfully, my father was military and I still have my ID for another month, so I'm used to the lifestyle and can get on post. However, when my soldier told me he didn't list me as his redeployment contact because it had to be next of kin, I got so angry I had to step away from the computer. It's not his fault, but it is just so hard knowing you are no one to the army. It's hard being different and feeling "less committed" than the spouses, and its hard to feel so incredibly alone in a brand new place with zero support system. I think being involved with the groups as best you can from day 1 would really help.
I know I was furious when my boyfriend told me that he had to put his mother down as his emergency contact person. Mostly because she's the type of woman who LITERALLY can't make any kind of major decision without her husband, and he's gone all the time for work, so she just waits for him to come home in a few days to decide what to do. Absolutely frustrating. And SHE'S the one they will contact, not me.
What's most frustrating to me is that girlfriends really aren't as temporary as the army and wives would like to think. I know WAAAAYYY to many soldiers who met someone online during or just before a deployment and the jump the gun to get married, because they want to have someone to call home. It's beyond irritating that because we're taking the responsible route, testing out separation and the Army instead of having a shot-gun wedding just because there's a ton of pressure to marry right away when you're a soldier, and yet I'm "less than" on paper. Not even allowed to go on post or take him off post for graduation. Some wife told me in an awful patronizing voice that it was a good thing that I wasn't allowed to drive him to his new base for training because "girlfriends will get in silly fights with their soldiers because they can't handle his new life and then leave them stranded in the middle of no-where or crash the car. A wife would never do that." Like I said before, I've now found several wife friends that have really been there for me, but I get really mad when some lady thinks shes better then me because I don't have a ring on my finger!!
I am glad i was able to find all these stories! My name is Jenny and my BF is taking his physical tomorrow to join the army, hopefully all goes well.. I honestly do not know what to execpt?! i'm mortified to be honest. I have been researching all and everything i can about the army, from him living, financial, how will we contact each other, living arrangments, everything u can possibly think of!! :/ i've also heard most wives are cruel and i'm only 22 and a mexican so idk how they will react to that. since all of you have many experiences can u please help me to know what i should expect or things i should do just in case he does get in, which more than likely he will pass his physical and everything else :(
I’m engaged to an Army officer and we just went thru his first deployment. I live 3 hours away from his post, so the only activities I’ve participated in were a ball, his promotion ceremony, and the deployment departure/arrival. I’ve never attended an FRG meeting although I would love to!! The unit command sponsored a stocking stuffer drive for the soldiers, and I asked people from my work place to donate items, which they did. I met up with the lady organizing it when she was in my area to pick up her husband for R&R (I live near a major airport), and she was the nicest person!! She had her 4 kids with her, and we chatted for awhile and she was so encouraging about the whole deployment thing. At the end of our conversation, she said “Can I give you a hug? I’m a huggy type of person” which I thought was awesome! I came to find out later from DF that she was the commander’s wife!! But she accepted me as a peer, even though I’m younger and not even a wife yet. Someday I’ll be in her shoes as the CO’s wife, and she taught me a huge lesson on how to be a good Army wife and how to treat other Army wives…and I plan on being just like her! At the welcome home ceremony, even though her husband was on a later flight, she was there taking pics for the FB page, handing out noisemakers and being such a joyful person! Sometimes I’d email her with questions and I was put on the FRG email list, so I got all the updates, newsletters, and was in the loop for redeployment. I don’t know if such a positive experience is unusual for a gf/fiancée, but all this has made a lasting impression on me, and I feel very accepted in the community.
*smh*
I'm a military girlfriend. The military is just a job. His job. I have my own job to worry about, I really don't care what the military thinks about me or whether they shower me with benefits, those are concerns I save for the firm *I* work for. I don't need military benefits, as I can, and have, taken care of all of my own personal needs by myself, TYVM. I don't need to attend "FRG meetings" whatever those are. I have my own friends to hang out with. If he moves and I quit to go with him, I find another job or transfer, and then use Meetup to meet loads of new girlfriends.
I fail to see the huge difference between being an independent single and having a boyfriend. I am not about to hand my responsibilities or my life or my emotional well being over to him on a platter to take care of. He's my boyfriend, not my parent. Just because I live with a guy who is in the military does not mean I need to start asking the Air Force to "recognize" me, take care of me, or see to my emotional needs or that I stay informed. I took fine care of myself when I was single and I do the same now, except now I have a great guy who loves me and that's really all there is to it. He doesn't concern himself with whether or not my firm is going to invite him to their company function, and so it goes with the military. They're just another firm and he travels for work.
These posts are not about being dependent on others. But deployments are hard. And when you're worried about the safety of your boyfriend who you (in some cases) have ZERO contact with, it's important to feel "in the loop" on important news concerning him/his flight/squadron. These women aren't asking to be "showered with benefits". They just want to know their loved one is SAFE. Honestly I'm a little offended at how you portrayed these girlfriends as being needy or clingy because they want to be involved and supportive and informed. There is nothing wrong with that. Just as there is nothing wrong with not giving a crap whether you get details or not, as you have made clear you don't.
LoveMyMSgt up there has it nailed. I'm a military boyfriend, and as long as his deployment's felt like, it's not impossible to go it alone, as long as you have the right mindset and aren't needlessly dependent. His base is an hour away, and as a college student, I can't afford the gas to attend FRG meetings. Not to mention I'm not entirely sure how I'd be received.
I'm not scorning support blogs or other efforts in the slightest – they've helped me overcome some of the psychological challenges everyone faces when their SO is gone, whether or not they have a meeting with others to do so.
My Fiance and I have been together for a while. Just before he proposed we found out he was going to Afghanistan late August. Some people he talked to during drill told to get married before he leaves so I would be included in the FRG. We were told that I would not be able to participate unless I was a legal dependent. His unit is 4 hours away, I am added to the list as his primary contact and I have yet to hear anything from FRG. Is this normal? I am new to the deployment aspect of military life.
Thank you all for sharing your stories and I am a military girlfriend and it has been hard because I have not heard from him 2wks before he left Afghainstan on 09/30/12. It has been 1 month and 4 days and I have not heard a word as he goes through the reintergration process. This is the most depressing time because I am lost.
I feel for you. I got treated like I was "less then" by a few people as well. It's sooo impossibly hard because you have to PROVE that you are more then just a girl he likes. Please don't give up on all spouses though. I have met several wonderful ladies who have been there for me when no one else understood what I was going through. Don't let one bad egg ruin everything for you!!