Our Olympic athletes have been doing back handsprings since they were six weeks old. They have sweltered on track team buses. Slept in loud hotels. Sucked liquid protein. Ingested wheat grass. Been yelled at. Bitten. Bled. Tested. Competed.Won.Lost.Cried.They have earned their places on one of the most elite athletic teams in the world.
Consequently, the Olympic committee has sentenced them to wearing a beret in public. Click here for sneak peak of Olympic uniform.
Why oh why must a beret be featured as part of our national costume for the opening ceremonies at the Olympics July 27? Athletes—even American athletes–cannot rock a beret. Shoot, most military members (unless they are actually members of Special Forces and/or John Wayne) cannot make the beret look cool. Even military members who are ALSO members of the Olympic team struggle to hold on to their awesomeness while wearing a beret.
It may be just beret-hatin’me, but last year the Army itself stopped making soldiers wear the goofy black beret and went with the infinitely cooler patrol cap. So here we feature the top ten things the Army must have figured out about berets that the Olympic committee doesn’t know yet.
3. In some schools of thought, the belief that one can sport a beret and not look ridiculous is a sign of slipping mental health and a guarantee that no one will date you.
4. Berets serve no earthly hat purpose and do not even keep hair dry or sun out of eyes.
5. Those who fail to note the beret use of Monica Lewinsky are doomed to repeat the beret use of Monica Lewinsky.
7. Beret-hair is worse than hat-head created by any other headgear. Including band uniforms.
9. Wearing a beret does not turn you into Col Robert L. Howard. Or any other outstanding Green Beret. It’s a hat. Not a substitute for character.
10. Only the French can actually look, well, natural in a beret. And we are Americans. Not French people. And wouldn’t it be nice if we left something for French people to feel good about?