Our Olympic athletes have been doing back handsprings since they were six weeks old. They have sweltered on track team buses. Slept in loud hotels. Sucked liquid protein. Ingested wheat grass. Been yelled at. Bitten. Bled. Tested. Competed.Won.Lost.Cried.They have earned their places on one of the most elite athletic teams in the world.
Consequently, the Olympic committee has sentenced them to wearing a beret in public. Click here for sneak peak of Olympic uniform.
Why oh why must a beret be featured as part of our national costume for the opening ceremonies at the Olympics July 27? Athletes—even American athletes–cannot rock a beret. Shoot, most military members (unless they are actually members of Special Forces and/or John Wayne) cannot make the beret look cool. Even military members who are ALSO members of the Olympic team struggle to hold on to their awesomeness while wearing a beret.
It may be just beret-hatin’me, but last year the Army itself stopped making soldiers wear the goofy black beret and went with the infinitely cooler patrol cap. So here we feature the top ten things the Army must have figured out about berets that the Olympic committee doesn’t know yet.
1.Even if the beret is designed by a fashion icon like Ralph Lauren, they are still a $55 fashion disaster.
2. Berets make even the buffest, coolest, toughest soldiers kinda look like Teddy Ruxpin.
3. In some schools of thought, the belief that one can sport a beret and not look ridiculous is a sign of slipping mental health and a guarantee that no one will date you.
4. Berets serve no earthly hat purpose and do not even keep hair dry or sun out of eyes.
5. Those who fail to note the beret use of Monica Lewinsky are doomed to repeat the beret use of Monica Lewinsky.
6. Berets tend to be the favored headgear of dictators, and — I alone believe — may actually cause megalomania by sapping the sense right out of you.
7. Beret-hair is worse than hat-head created by any other headgear. Including band uniforms.
8. Berets are best worn by those with unusual facial hair and the ability to blow stuff up.
9. Wearing a beret does not turn you into Col Robert L. Howard. Or any other outstanding Green Beret. It’s a hat. Not a substitute for character.
10. Only the French can actually look, well, natural in a beret. And we are Americans. Not French people. And wouldn’t it be nice if we left something for French people to feel good about?
About Jacey Eckhart
Comments
Love it! Thanks for the laugh:)
Can't say I agree with you on this one… my husband is a member of the Canadian Army and I happen to think he looks damn good in his beret that he wear every single day.
To each her own I guess…
Canadians may, in fact, look good in a beret. We would have to see a picture to confirm. Mostly cuz we are having a rainy day and the prospect of good looking Canadian soldiers makes us feel kinda cheery.
Canadian from Quebec? We may be able to slide you in under the "French" exemption ;-)
Berets are for girl scouts, campfire girls, and Frenchmen.
its obama's idea, cause the way they wear'em they look like muslim hearwear
From the sneak I was expecting an article about how non soldiers shouldn't be wearing berets because they were the only ones that had earned them. I was so ready to say "get real, other folks can wear berets too" but this was much better that I expected. No one, not even stupid mimes, should be forced to wear a beret. The only thing good about them is that they can be crushed and shoved out of the way once indoors. Of course, you're not supposed to do that. Let's hear it for another stupid apparel decision on behalf of the USOC.
Wow is that the best we can do? Can't we find a designer that expresses Americana? Send them back to to school and retake Fashion / Design 101 again. Only this time don't sleep through the class. DISSAPOINTED!
Quit worryibg about the beret and yell about the whole uniform All parts, shirt, pants, jacket, BERET, skirts, shoes etc were made in China. A US Olympic team dressed by the chinks.
Hey, we the the Autralian Military were very proud of our black beret for Armoured Corp units until the Army took them off of us! A beret properly treated, shaped and worn correctly is cool and a chick magnet so don't diss the beret, rather comment on lack of ability to pull off the beret look successfully!
If you have EARNED a beret it's a chick magnet. How much of a magnet is it now that everyone in the Army is getting one or how much of a magnet would be if they started issuing it to every schoolboy and girl?
It's a bad look ,to me. Makes me think of Nazis.
An interesting perspective… given that I can only think of 2 relatively obscure and limited scenarios where Nazis wore berets. Most of their uniforms involved headgear that looked a lot like the headgear the US military still wears.
Since when has the beret been a traditional or even NORMAL hat to wear in the US and since it isn't and hasn't been why in the world would someone even THINK about making it part of the Olympic team uniform?
The beret was standard issue to be worn while in garrison from about 2003 till last year. The black beret was for the whole army. Before that (at least back to 1984 when my father was in the 82nd) the airborne soldiers wore maroon berets, special forces wore green berets, and Air assault (I think) wore tan.(I'm not 100% on that one)
I think before 2003 there was a group that wore black berets, but when the army decided to make everyone wear them that group got a different color. Again, not 100% on that either, but regardless. Black berets were standard headgear in garrison settings from 2003 till 2011.
So what about this beret stuff. These kids are champions, the best in the world at what they do – and (with a few colored exceptions) they tend to act like champions with a lot of class. It doesn't matter what they wear – the whole world knows the Americans are the best.
The beret shouldn't be worn at all. Anything made in China for wear by our US athletes should be returned to China or Ralph Lauren. Surely we can design uniforms for our athletes and have them made in the USA!!!
I was just going to comment on the uniforms being made in China…makes me not want to watch at all.
They look like Russian sailors from the 1930's.
I would have stayed in the Army longer if I didn't have to wear that dumb a$$ beret. A few people look OK wearing it, but most looked pretty goofy! Plus there was no shade for your eyes. As for the US athletes, they should have worn baseball caps (with the bill in front)!
Yea Jeff, you hit the nail right on the head, they do look like Russian sailor's from the 30's. Why the Army switched I'll never know, they only look good on the French so let them have it, thank God the Marine's haven't changed their's in over 200 yrs., why fix something if it ain't broke.?
The Army switched because some General, who couldn't get an assignment to a unit authorized them, wanted them so badly, he made every one wear it, just so he could.
If you don't this so, this same General had Jump Wings, Ranger Tab, Special Forces Tab, Pathfinder, and was never assigned to any of these types of units!!
Pro or Con beret aside, these olympians are AMERICANS and should be uniformed to represent the U.S.A. A beret does not have any connotation or affiliation to the US. They should be wearing Stetsons, the iconic American headgear. End of story.
Or baseball caps.
The stetson is a derivative of the fedora, which is not a hat native to the US.
Really what is though? I'm not aware of the baseball cap being derived from anything else but it wouldn't surprise me at all. Hats came along WAY before the United States.
Why not just make our US Olympic Athletes wear a kafeyah? (Muslim headwrap) I'm sure Obama would approve. We could even outsource the manufacture to Iran. Might be just the thing to convince them to give up their nuclear arms ambitions. They'd be so honored by the opportunity to produce the US's Olympic uniforms that they'd agree to peace with Israel. (trying to think like Obama here….humor me)
There are at least SOME advantages here though. At least the kafeyah protects your skin from sunburn, conceals your identity a little, and possibly confuses any potential islamic extremists that may be attempting to disrupt the festivities. (of course the giant American flag pattern on the rest of the uniform would probably clash so it they'd pretty much have to use flags AS kafeyahs….wouldn't that be the coolest thing ever?)
Just in case anyone's dumb enough to not get it…I am totally not serious. Seeing someone dressed this way would be entertaining, but certainly not a good idea for ANYONES Olympic uniform.
They don't stop bullets or fragmentation very well either
The military wearing berets or a individual who likes a beret, that's fine. The US Olympic team is not the military, it is privately funded and those berets are simply ludicrous, euro looking and inappropriate, personally I think Ralph Lauren could have done better all around on these olympic costumes….we are Americans not little french toadies…
on American civilians the beret should be reserved for schoolgirls. Those Olympic berets look unnatural and dorky for a very good reason. They ARE dorky and unnatural. As bad as the ones the Griswolds wore in European Vacation. And on US soldiers- except for specials forces and rangers I think they should be withdrawn. The styling is wrong and most soldiers look like their mama – or their uncle– dresses 'em funny.
I also have read that the entire USA uniform is made in China.
The beret isn't the only embarrassment. What about those silly skirts and fussy neck scarves the women are being forced to wear – presumably so that no one will mistake them for men and treat them with the respect reserved for men only.
I think when worn correctly most of the Army looked very handsome in them and I find it a bit odd that a "Navy" wife would make a comment about an Army uniform….I won't trash the Navy uniforms, don't trash Army Uniforms…Thanks!