I’m a psychiatrist. Every day I listen to my combat veterans as they struggle to return to the “normal” world after having a deeply life-changing experience. I do everything I can to help them. Sometimes that can involve medications, but listening is key. Sometimes a combat veteran tells me things that they wish their families knew. They have asked me to write something for their families, from my unique position as soldier, wife, and physician. These are generalizations; not all veterans have these reactions, but they are the concerns most commonly shared with me.
(Author’s note: obviously warriors can be female — like me — and family can be male, but for clarity’s sake I will write assuming a male soldier and female family.)
1. He is addicted to war, although he loves you. War is horrible, but there is nothing like a life-and-death fight to make you feel truly alive. The adrenaline rush is tremendous, and can never be replaced. Succeeding in combat defines a warrior, places him in a brotherhood where he is always welcome and understood. The civilian world has its adrenaline junkies as well; just ask any retired firefighter, police officer, or emergency room staff if they miss it.
2. Living for you is harder. It would be easy for him to die for you because he loves you. Living for you, which is what you actually want, is harder for him. It is even harder for him if you are smart and do not need him to rescue you, since rescuing is something he does really well. If you are very competent at many things, he may at times question if you need him at all. He may not see that you stay with him as a conscious choice.
3. “The training kicks in” means something very different to him. It is direct battle doctrine that when ambushed by a superior force, the correct response is “Apply maximum firepower and break contact.” A warrior has to be able to respond to threat with minimal time pondering choices. While this is life-saving in combat, it is not helpful in the much slower-paced civilian world. A better rule in the civilian world would be to give a reaction proportionate to the provocation. Small provocation, small response (but this could get you killed on the battlefield). When the training becomes second nature, a warrior might take any adrenaline rush as a cue to “apply maximum firepower.” This can become particularly unfortunate if someone starts to cry. Tears are unbearable to him; they create explosive emotions in him that can be difficult for him to control. Unfortunately, that can lead to a warrior responding to strong waves of guilt by applying more “maximum firepower” on friends, family, or unfortunate strangers.
4. He is afraid to get attached to anyone because he has learned that the people you love get killed, and he cannot face that pain again. He may make an exception for his children (because they cannot divorce him), but that will be instinctual and he will probably not be able to explain his actions.
5. He knows the military exists for a reason. The sad fact is that a military exists ultimately to kill people and break things. This was true of our beloved “Greatest Generation” warriors of WWII, and it remains true to this day. Technically, your warrior may well be a killer, as are his friends. He may have a hard time seeing that this does not make him a murderer. Although they may look similar at first glance, he is a sheepdog protecting the herd, not a wolf trying to destroy it. The emotional side of killing in combat is complex. He may not know how to feel about what he’s seen or done, and he may not expect his feelings to change over time. Warriors can experiences moments of profound guilt, shame, and self-hatred. He may have experienced a momentary elation at “scoring one for the good guys,” then been horrified that he celebrated killing a human being. He may view himself as a monster for having those emotions, or for having gotten used to killing because it happened often. One of my Marines recommended On Killingby Dave Grossman, and I would pass that recommendation on.
6. He’s had to cultivate explosive anger in order to survive in combat. He may have grown up with explosive anger (violent alcoholic father?) as well.
7. He may have been only nineteen when he first had to make a life and death decision for someone else. What kind of skills does a nineteen-year-old have to deal with that kind of responsibility? One of my veterans put it this way: “You want to know what frightening is? It’s a nineteen-year-old boy who’s had a sip of that power over life and death that war gives you. It’s a boy who, despite all the things he’s been taught, knows that he likes it. It’s a nineteen-year-old who’s just lost a friend, and is angry and scared, and determined that some *%#& is gonna pay. To this day, the thought of that boy can wake me from a sound sleep and leave me staring at the ceiling.”
8. He may believe that he’s the only one who feels this way; eventually he may realize that at least other combat vets understand. On some level, he doesn’t want you to understand, because that would mean you had shared his most horrible experience, and he wants someone to remain innocent.
9. He doesn’t understand that you have a mama bear inside of you, that probably any of us could kill in defense of someone if we needed to. Imagine your reaction if someone pointed a weapon at your child. Would it change your reaction if a child pointed a weapon at your child?
10. When you don’t understand, he needs you to give him the benefit of the doubt. He needs you also to realize that his issues really aren’t about you, although you may step in them sometimes. Truly, the last thing he wants is for you to become a casualty of his war.
Regina Bahten has been practicing medicine for the past 24 years; the first twelve were as a primary care doctor. She then crosstrained as a psychiatrist. She has been honored with the friendships of many veterans over those years, whose influence led to her decision to accept a commission in the National Guard at the age of 48. For the past three years she has worked as an outpatient psychiatrist with the Veterans’ Administration in Las Vegas, primarily with veterans of the current conflicts.
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Wow. Reading this ripped my heart out. I wish someone could have told me this in '96-97, or when everything finally went to hell in 2009. Every single one of these points resonated for me, in hindsight unfortunately.
Thank you so much for sharing this.
This is an amazing article!! Thank you for writing it—This needs to get to every person who has a loved one in the Service—-
Marion from ft. Bragg.?
I can hear the combat vets applauding! I'm sure this post gives voice to the thoughts & emotions they feel but can't always express. Probably even helps them understand themselves better. This should be posted in every VA waiting room, for the benefit of all vets and their spouses!!
You don't get over it.You try to live with it.Me ,I drink to sleep.VN 1969
After 76 Months in Vietnam, I tried the drinking without relief. I finally realized that, like you, just live with it. 5 years of Counseling didn't help either. My wife of 40 years has dealt with me since we met but she stuck it out and continues to be my savior.
I hope all the wives work as hard as she has. Without her, what am I? Just another disfunctional veteran with no where to go except back to where I grew up. Vietnam at 18 and finally left at 26.
My husband was a door gunner in Vietnam with the 238th. We have been married for 34 years and he still suffers. Jim says the same thing. It happened and nothing will change that and I just have to learn to live with it and do the best I can. I feel helpless at times but we just try to get through it together. What else can you do? Jim drinks to sleep and our dog watches over him.
I agree this is great advice spouses need to know! It took many arguments and hurt feelings for years before I finally learned and accepted #3. Wish I would have known that A LOT sooner!
Great article. It does a good job of explaining tough issues. http://www.veteransunited.com/channels.html
Wow…this has got to be the best article I’ve read on SpouseBuzz yet. I can see how many of these things would apply to my fiancé, especially #3, which is really hard for us women to understand. But it’s something we’ve got to accept. Over his deployment I read “On Combat” and “On Killing” by LTC Grossman…very excellent. My fiancé said those books give the best explanation to civilians on what it’s like to be a soldier and have a warrior mindset.
Thanks for writing this article!
For just over 40 years I was married to a Vietnam vet who was a staff sergeant for a reconnaissance platoon, Echo Recon, 4/12 199th. I read and read everything I could to try to help him exist and cope with PTSD; sometimes it was just heartbreaking to see him in tears. I highly recommend the book, "Tears of a Warrior" which can be obtained through purpleheart.org. My husband took years to compile his book which gives a compelling account of how a young person can be transformed into a killing machine with the warrior mindset you mention. His book, Hearts: The Story of a Reconnaissance Squad Leader, is available from amazon.com or trafford.com. He dedicated his book to another warrior, his point man, who survived the jungle but not the war; my husband made the decision to follow him into eternity less than a month ago. Please read all you can to help your warrior…
This is a wonderful piece! Knowledge is power. As a retired guidance counselor, I can highy endorse Dr. Bahten's guide.
This would of help me and many other Viet nam vets express how we felt. I took up drinking and divorce then ran to a differant state to hid out.
The police in my area should know this , i got pulled over for speeding (3 miles an hour over the posted speed limit .) mind you i was late for an appointment at the v.a. hospital ( mental health as it were). the cop said i wasn't a vet and that he had never met a vet "so angry" like me befor , yeah i probley needed to slow down ,
but he didnt have to yank me from my car and point a loaded weapon in my face to get me to "stop speeding" he did everything to insite "anger" , yes i could have held my cool , and i was wrong for speeding . i was not disrespectful of him or his uniform untill he was disrespectfull of my service and uniform .. mind you that my step father served as a police officer for over 26 years ( and i do have a lot of respect for him (my father )the law and law inforcement in general ) how ever in my town (portland oregon ) at that time there had been 12 or 13 police involved shootings that year alone(by april ) ,
yes some of those people were not mentally well , or whatever was going on , but the police don't need to "shoot first ,shoot now ,shoot more , and THEN maybe ask questions"… most if not all veterans have many many invisible wounds , and people and police should always take a mind step back when they discover a vet of any age and or combat experiance (take a monment and ask yourselves ( what has this person seen ? or been through ????? from my 2 great grandfathers 2 grandfathers 4 uncles myself and 2 of my 5 brothers , we have all seen combat in one form or another , when i was little ,after the vietnam war i lived with my dad for 9 years , and the war in his head , so did my 5 brothers and 5 sisters ,
talk about not wanting to be home when dad was in one of his moods , my dads war was about 1 third of my lifes problems , and then you ad my experience , then you add my older brothers experience and then my little brothers experience , please please watch out for those invisible wounds … even after 43 years you should "see" my fathers wounds … i pray that my nephews and children dont see what i saw growing up , nore do i wish them to go to war …….
Hi ,I am one of the secondary PTSD kids too. I love my Dad and had a great conversation with him on this topic last night, at age 50. When I was a kid my brother and I were over the back fence as soon as we heard the car hit the neighborhood……k
these are right on the mark but 40 plus years late for me.
WE have to get rid of these psychologists and get some scientists. The problem is the chemicals that the troops are subject to not the environmnent. These psychologists are trained wrong and believe their behavuoral BS. Most of them have their own illness.
THOMAS,
You are an ASS!
Get with the program!!!!! You have NO idea what you are talking about.! Have YOU ever served? My guess………….NOT!!!! You have NO idea…. You should be a little more understanding of what our military have to go through.YOU ARE A Pathetic! ??//@@@! YOU CAN NOT BE SERIOUS……I mean really?????? I know from EXPERIENCE…I've have had a spouse in the MARINES…. GIVE ME A BREAK……..OBVIOUSLY YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT…. YOU ARE A JOKE! CLOSE YOUR CLAM, IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT.
Correct spelling is behavioural Thomas.. You need more education.. Also, chemicals are IN the environment so you’re wrong there too if that’s the route your taking.. You’re dumb.. Go troll on another page and voice you’re stupid unwanted opinion there..
Correct spelling is behavioural Thomas.. You need more education.. Also, chemicals are IN the environment so you’re wrong there too if that’s the route your taking.. Go troll on another page and voice you’re stupid unwanted opinion there..
Thomas, you haven't a clue! Have you been in combat? Been shot at? Called in artillery too close for comfort? Had to kill or be killed? The problem lies with those who would just rather dismiss those who have…out of sight…out of mind. Chemicals? Yes, they are everywhere. You drink water don't you? Please, quit posting on this page.
When we came home from Vietnam we were looked down on by the media, friends and family. When anything bad happened and a vet was involved it would be all over the news for days. We could not get jobs because we were told that we were trouble makers and on drugs.
The VA said there was nothing wrong with the Nam vets and sent us on our way. We turned to drugs and alcohol to get by day to day.
#3 for me hit home, I would go into attack mode but couldn't break contact. Nam vets have suffered for more then 40 years and our loved ones have suffered even more. I hope the vets coming home now can hold there heads high and get the help they deserve.
I can't tell you how hard it is when a friend or family member dies and you can't even go to there funeral, its easier to put it out of your mind like it never happened.
2, 3, 4 and 6 hit home… albeit 45 years later.
My Nam vet was not able to talk about his experiences for over 20 years because he thought harm would come to me and our children. he thought he would go to hell for what he had been ordered to do over there. he was a kind loving husband, father and grandfather. he still had nightmares until the day he died. he always told me that basic training was brainwashing and the USA was the biggest terrorist organization going,
Great read. I wish there was help when i was in the first gulf war. I finaly got help 12 years later, divorced and not understanding
Two divorces and a separation you would think I would have asked for help. I finally went to the VA after my younger brothers persistence. All the points hit home but who would have thought. Served during Desert Shield/Desert Storm as an Air Force Medic. Same recurring dreams every night. This article should be given to all returning combat vet and even those not in combat but who have come in contact with them, overseas or stateside. We will never know if another Agent Orange were unleashed when the oil fields were burned by Saddam. I don’t regret serving when I did but the BS that we have to go through to seek help. My way of coping is riding my motorcycle. Luckily for me I do not drink nor smoke but I know my lack of sleep will eventually catch up to me. Prove that to the VA. Thanks to my fellow vets for serving and those currently serving for the sacrifices we have given.
Goose, I hear you on the motorcycle riding brother….Thats how I cope!!
Harley Davidson Night Rod Special and twisty roads! You won't see a motorcycle at a psychiatrists office unless the counselor is the one riding it!
That’s how my husband is dealing with things also! Thank god (or whom ever) for motorcycles!
Wow! Right on..
After 7 years of working in Iraq and Afghanistan, this tells it all for me.
I wish the every politician reads this and sees what their BS has done to so many fine men and women in out services.
If a serviceman or woman survives combat, as most do, the biggest problem they face in their lives is reestablishing themselves in a civilian society. With so much psychobabble inserted into discussions of every problem created for veterans after they come home, it is difficult to see the most obvious problem that veterans face: just earning a living and supporting a family. In 1975, Gerald Ford and Nelson Rockefeller developed a program called WIN to keep down the inflation that was expected after the Vietnam War. The program depended on reducing the number of jobs in the private sector, which made it difficult for vets who had just earned a college degree with VA support to find a job. In 1977, the Comptroller General and Civil Service Commission under President Carter made a proposal for Congress to eliminate veterans preference in public employment in order to give preference to certain non-veterans. Congress did not change the law, but the Civil Service Commission implemented the illegal program anyway. If a federal agency deliberately violated the law giving hiring preference to a veteran, there was no legal recourse available to the veteran until 1998, when the Veterans' Employment Opportunities Act became law. While veteran-hating civil servants were free to illegally bar veterans from employment with their agencies, 1,100,000 federal civil service jobs formerly held by WWII and Korean War vets were turned over to non-veteran. The U.S. Department of Labor illegally made up a rule that only jobs paying less than $25,000 per year were "suitable for veterans," making vets with college degrees or special qualifications "overqualified" for any jobs the Department of Labor regarded them to be suited for. The result of all this was the appearance of hundreds of thousands of homeless veterans on the streets of American cities. Denying a person a means of self-support is murder. The effectiveness of this form of murder can be seen from the record established by Stalin and Mao for killing millions of people in places where resistance against their programs was encountered, such as the Ukraine and rural China. When mass murder is being committed, the public has to be shown that the victims are somehow to blame for their own demise. This is the reason that the deliberate impoverishment of veterans through denial of benefits, particularly benefits designed to provide them with jobs, must be accompanied by convincing reasons that the veterans themselves are at fault for making themselves dangerous or anti-social employees. All veterans are therefore painted with the same brush and alleged to be subject to psychotic flashbacks, uncontrolled anger, inability to sleep, addiction to drugs and alcohol, and memory of unspeakable war crimes they committed routinely on the job. They are also regarded as people trained to kill someone in a matter of seconds, even if their job was postal clerk or cook while in the service. Do you think this makes them attractive as employees? More than four out of five veterans have been certified by the DVA to have not a trace of PTSD or a similar condition. Although they receive no pension, every employer who interviews them will see a potential "monster," as Dr. Phil certified all veterans to be on his national TV show. All of this speaks for the existence of a propaganda campaign to vilify a segment of society against which a monstrous crime is being perpetrated. I see veterans being subjected to mass murder so that our politicians and civil servants can use the considerable amount of money needed to pay the benefits owed to living veterans for other things. Hopefully, I will live to see the high government officials responsible for this capital crime brought to trial and given the death penalty if found guilty.
Where did you get your information? The Stats I have found show the Vietnam Vet on average has succeded if life better then his counter part who didn't serve in Vietnam or the military. The Vietnam Combat Vet has a lower criminal conviction or prison/jail time rate. Pormotion in the civilian world at a faster rate and a better success rate as businessmen. I havent met any real Rambos only wantabees. Every time I meet a "down on the luck vet I have to question him and so far all I have run into are fakes. Every Combat Vet I know is a take charge type who doesn't quite and if he can't get through a problem will go around it. Winners not cry babies. As far as homeless goes remember that if the vet didn't buy a home while on active duty the minute he was handed his DD214 he was homeless even if he went to live with mom and dad. It made the Stats look good so the VA could get more money.
Let me get this straight. Every veteran you know is a winner, unless they have adjustment issues, PTSD, chronic depression, etc. Every veteran who struggles to get passed these issues without apparent success is a "wantabee", a fake and a self inflicted failure. Is that how you really see combat vets?
As a wife of a husband who has deployed 9 times, these are the best notes of advice I have ever seen to help family members attempt to understand things. I believe we will never truely understand as we weren't there, but these lessons sum up most of the lessons my husband and I learned the hard way. We've had our struggles and are stronger for them, but I see families ripped apart all the time because neither the soldier nor spouse will admit to the differences and learn to live with them on a daily basis. #1 and #10 hit home the most for me. It was very hard for me to take second seat to war and to give him the benefit of the doubt in seemingly unrelated issues. But accepting those has allowed me to love my husband and his chosen profession more.
Thank you. It not only hit home, but even helped to illuminate certain behaviors that cost me my first marriage. I appreciate how you presented the information without placing “blame” or explaining away the reasons. The “is what it is” was very helpful, not only for myself but it helped me get a better understanding of my father’s behavior. Having grown up as a “lifer brat” and then serving as a “lifer” it is funny how you don’t always look at things at face value. Thanks once again. Animo et fide.
I am the wife of a combat veteran from the Vietnam War. It took me YEARS and a close brush with separation or divorce to work through the miasma of problems created by my spouse's residual problems and complexes from his experiences in that stupid, stupid war. TO THIS DAY Vietnam veterans are still often painted with a quasi-"psycho" brush and latent disrespect borne of the way they were viewed back in the late '60s and '70s. This article revealed things I sort of knew but couldn't articulate. Somehow, underneath all the b.s., I knew my husband was a man of love, honesty, high character and integrity, despite the many painful times when his knee-jerk reactions (see #3–training) kicked in.
Now, I understand that recent veterans from wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are coming back with the same life-altering traumas, physical injuries and disabilities, and though I am sure the VA does what it can, up to a point, it's still a bureaucracy and still clouded and stymied with too little facilities, too many wounded veterans, and a society and politicians who largely have other things they rank of more importance.
My husband, God bless him, is one of the lucky ones. He came close to losing me and so worked harder on himself and with the help of the Military Order of the Purple Heart finally jumped through enough hoops and filed enough reams of paper to get the benefits he is due. I URGE ALL VETERANS AND SPOUSES to take full advantage of what's offered by the veterans organizations such as Purple Heart and Disabled American Veterans, to name two, as well as the VA. They are there for YOU. God bless every last one of you veterans who stand up for all America and sacrificed, serve and protect and stand guard over this exceptional Republic. It is you, and your kind, whom we have to thank–going back over 200 years–for our incredible freedoms. I and others can say "thank you," but it will never be enough. The FORCE *is* with you!
Maam, THANK YOU for your support to all veterans and servicemembers. One thing this country needs is more people like you. To many are caught up with themselves and unfortunately our schools do not teach what it is to serve your country. Hopefully, some day that will change and veterans and servicemembers serving will get the respect and support they truly deserve. Again, THANK YOU for your support. It is truly appreciated.
Thank you!
I came home in January of 1968, For the next year and a half I lived in the hospital, I must admit though that I don't remember the first 8 1/2 months as I was in a coma. When I got out of the hospital, believe it or not I was place back on active duty. Thank God they didn't send me back to Nam. Anyway, with all this it took me more than 10 years to become somewhat normal. I was lucky to have a wife who stood by me even when she had to wake me from across the room.
I wish this article could have been around then. It is a wonderful article and says allot of what I could never have said. These are things you never get over and really don't wish to face. I only wish the powers that be would understand this and more. Thank you for putting these feelings into words.
Welcome home, brother, and thank you for your service. I understand where your wife is coming from as I have also stood by my combat veteran for 35 years.
what a RUSH Vietnam is and will always be in my mind. Wanting to lash out to THOSE that are not up to STANDARDS. Whos? What do you think. I wonder what is would have been like if I stayed in the States during my service time. Like no one at all (but those that have been there) understand me. STRESS(ED) to the Max. What happens when a rubber band gets to its full max.
My husband of 5 months is already talking about getting a room at the Bs instead of coming home to his wife (prior service) and 3 children. He deployed 5 days after we wed. I understand everything stated above. He tells me to tell the kids that he loves them, but has stopped telling me.
My husband was in Viet Nam for two tours of duty, I met if afterwards and we got married I then found out about the bad temper and how cold and hard he was . He has gotten help but he still shows no love, compassin or sympathy. He doesn't believe this but we have been married over forty years and I don't think he is ever going to change, but then most men don't. I guess I stayed with him because I always hoped he would and I do love him although I get very little back.
I was a squad leader in Vietnam in 1968. I don't remember #6, the need for an explosive temper. I came home fairly normal. I didn't believe that such a thing as PTSD existed. In 1995 I was misidentified in an assault and very publicly arrested. In the days after I did have an explosive temper. My 15 minutes wearing police handcuffs gave me a full blown case of PTSD. Fortunately at this point in my life I had enough sense to know that I had a bit of a melt down and I did get professional help. The trouble with PTSD is that you look normal. No one can see the electrical storm going on in your head.
I can relate to every one of these comments but I am a woman. After 2 tours in Iraq and currently on my 4th in AFG I would have appreciated if each of these comments didn't start with "He". The females exposed to combat are suffering from the same issues. We're getting shot at and blown up and losing our spouses too. I would have appreciated just one shout out from a female psychiatrist.
AMEN. Let me tell you, you ARE SOOO appreciated. YOU have ALL the respect in the world. Thank you for your service.
Did you notice this comment at the beginning of the article?
(Author’s note: obviously warriors can be female — like me — and family can be male, but for clarity’s sake I will write assuming a male soldier and female family.)
I assume it was done to avoid the he/she tag which gets annoying to read after a while, but the disclaimer was made that it can apply to either gender.
Jennifer, the entire article was BY a female psychiatrist who is also a (female) soldier, as I stated in the article. The choice of pronouns was for clarity,since he/she is hard to read and creates an unclear reference.
Maam, I mean no disrespect. The proper thing to not offend the women servicemembers would be to use the word servicemember. Your article is awesome and should be distributed in the press and on national televison to spread the word. Then maybe our so called politicians and such would make more of an effort to help my fellow servicemembers. Again, thanks for breaking it down for all to understand about us combat veterans. I SALUTE you. HOOAH!
Jennifer/SSG Crane, thank you for your service. I return your salute and HOOAH! And yes, "servicemember" is more inclusive than "soldier."
Was that you on Vimeo?
I'm a bit surprised that this is actually good. Most of the psycho-garbage that gets put out there is overly analytical and useless (1st time to Spouse Buzz). There were one or two that seemed slightly off, or maybe not as well explained as others, but overall I say Great Job. Many of my friends come to me for advice when the going gets tough for them because they think I've handled it better than most. What seems to elude them is that I handled it by finding another war torn country to work & live in. Ultimately I get many of the same points or make the same points with my friends and I've often found #8 to be the most difficult to deal with because it is often the reason they cannot explain the rest, especially #10.
#1 & #2 are way wrong libiral crap——3 thru 10 are right on the mark……
I spent 13 months as a huey CC flying MedEva and Recon inserts/extracts in 66-67 and can relate
to 3-10 but never 1 or 2
I this article is extremely important. As a military spouse, I can only say that I wish there was more acceptance of this and the support to get help without the stigma. I could print this out, blow it up, and put it on our fridge and my husband would still say "that isn't me". We can't fix problems if they refuse to be acknowleged…
–USMC spouse
Some of them do not want the problem fixed or they don't think there is a problem. They think you just think there is a problem because they refuse to accept the truth.
Number 11. Never ask a Combat Vet "Did you Kill some one?). If you want a war story ask "Did you ever save someones life?), Just be prepaired ot accept the answer it may not be what you expect.
I don’t believe everything, it depends….many soldiers gets married not for love but for tax and benefits….when wifes discovers such a fraud….the PSTDs is the excuse and no body cares about the spouse or family….no body investigates…..always the women are the ones who suffers for facts……I have seen soldiers who really love their family but others are so careless and you know it…..the solution is always the divorce……..My uncle when to the Vietnam war, he came with no craps….as always .loving and caring family..at that time the invironment was worse than todays modern life……..it depends on the Feelings, education, respect and commitments… and if there was a brain injury, otherwise….. look for the divorce and take care of your life.
Jennifer/SSG Crane, thank you for your service. I return your salute and HOOAH! And yes, "servicemember" is more inclusive than "soldier."
I have a son who returned from AFG. He came back different, I tried to not to see it. I am that Momma bear that you talked about. I understand things better since I read your article. It actually makes me feel better, we have always been close to each other and since his return I felt that he just didn't really want to be around me. I guess it;s time to give him his space and let him fly. I know now that he will come back. I will always support him any way that I can. I Thank God for bringing him back to us.I thank you all who have served. God bless all of you. Take care of your bodies and your minds.
USMC momma
#4 Really hit home. I returned in mid 67 and the only time I felt safe from unknown personsw was on base with other Marines. I left the Corps in late 68 and thought it owulod be okay when I went to find a decent job since my job specialty was closed due to Johnson’s great american society giving jobs to so called minorities (OJT) without the schooling I had to endure to qualify. I had to settle for less and that worked on me. I realized in 75 that something was wrong but when i went to Va for some counciling my family, the wife and in’laws, thought I was just not up to par as a man. Year later the VA called me in to go through PTSD training.focus groups and informed me aI had a severe case. Just a few years ago I found our from 2 of my kids that the real reason my wife left in 81 was her fear of me. she saidf I changed too much while I was in Nam ans she could not understand it but when she had the chance to find out with counciling she refused because it menat there was a problem. Sure I had moments of anger but when i felt these coming on I would drive for hours to be alone and away from those I loved and did not want to put in danger of those “explosions” of anger. to be honest <i still love that woman and maybe that is the reason that twicw since the divorce I ran from entanglements and finally quit dating altogether about 15 years ago. i know I have problems and the VA trauma Docs also know it but the Board has continually denied such so I just go to work when there is work and stay in my bunker otherwise. It is safer for me and others and I don't have to spend energy, emotions and time trying to become friends or companions with others. Not only with my kids but my grand and great grand children, I have very little contact. It is lonely at times but I delve into yard work, reading, and activity with other vets in fund raising and helping those I know have been through the same things.m We never talk about them specificaly but there is a knowing that is unsaid and realized by war time vets. I used to drive into remote areas and camp by myself but the price of fuel now has curtailed that. Now age has set in and the ability to get around to such places is harder and harder so the bunker mentality has taken over almost completely. The few that I do try to converse with are kids. They seem to understand and will let you know very quickly if they trust or like you with no intent to use or abuse you. They are innocents and they are to be admired and protected for that. Something I've found that seems to be a trait of combat vets. Trust yongsters but others have to be "screened". Maybe it is that we lost too much of that innocence and we are trying to find it again. The 20 weeks of PTSD training was not enough, especially when you are "finished" and have no recourse to update or return for more without being stuck with the stigma of going to contracted civilian shrinks that seem to be there for the government contract and that is it. Ive treid to go to the Am Leg hall to be around others with the same situation but it turned out it was just another place to get drunk and to **** with the problems an answers. Even the appointed officer in charge of helping with VA problems did not care to get involved. It was "here is where to go" and you are on your own again. There are too few good counselors that care enough to truely help so you just try to keep things on an even keel and keep putting one foot in front of the other until the end comes. Those who went through it are far too often too afraid to admit they have been damaged and refuse to let it out. War has a lasting effect that truely goes to the grave with many warriors long after the battle is done. I hope I made some sense cause right now I'm drained and feel empty inside. Maybe it is better to hide it with drink and carousing and feigned joy. To push back the loneliness.
I do feel sorry for all the service men who had to come back from a war and had to adjust to civilian life again,but lets not forget all the wives and children who have lived with these men . It is not easy to live and love a man who does no longer know how to love or show any emotion except anger. We live with these men for a very long time trying to make the best life we can for them and get very little in return. Vetrans whom have been in combat are the hardest men to be married to because they always have to be right and will never admit when their wrong, it will always be someone elses fault. I appreciate their service to their country but they need to remember their family comes first when they get home , I am tried of living in Viet Nam.
As a combat vet and one that was married, I do understand where you are coming from with this, but, "I am tried of living in Viet Nam." How do you think he feels? He experienced it, lived it, daily, minute by minute, second by second. When that man closes his eyes he's there, amidst all the carnage and death and chaos. He's not the way he is because he can get away with it. He is the way he is because he can't help it and the truth is, he doesn't even know that he is. You don't blame a child who is born with autism for being unable to do things other "normal" kids can do because it's not a choice. Your husband, didn't choose to come back from Nam a different person. War made that choice for him, remember that. You and your family, God bless you, I know have gone through a lot and I know, even if you don't want to admit it, feel like it's not fair that all these things happened to him that changed him but now you're stuck with all the problems, but try to remember this the next time there is an "incident"; You can't blame a child with autism for being autistic, just like you can't blame someone who has PTSD for having PTSD. Trust me, the ones that have it, wish more than anything that they could get rid of it. All you can do is try to cope with it and try to understand him, see through the fronts he puts up and remember that he doesn't do the things he does because he wants to hurt you, it's because in his own way, he wants to protect you and shield you from himself.
That was a great article and it really gives you a better understanding of what you felt or could not express. I am a vet my myself and sometimes I have difficuty understanding what my fellow veterans are going through. You see I spent two years in Vietnam 1967-68 and then in 1970. Both of those tours I was a combat soldier and I saw my share of dying and killing and have been wounded, blown up on a track with no serious injury and and almost killed couple other times. As far as taken credit for actual body count killing I don't take no credit,but when the stuff hit the fan I Iwas shooting just like everyone else and scared as daylights and didn't want to die. What all this is leading up to is I was able to return to normal life regardless of what people may have or may have not thought about me and I didn't have have the baggage that veterans are still carrying around and can't let go. All I can say is I have been blessed and I give all the Glory to God. I know some people don't believe Jesus can make a differnce in your life because He can I'm living proof and I've been married to my wife for 44 yrs.
It shows us all that these men who give their lives for their country, aren't just the ones who die. Combat has changed the veteran's lives forever. They and their loved ones are left with what war has changed them into. My late dad was a good father to me, but my impossible wish has always been to have known him, the 24-year old, before he jumped as a paratrooper into Normandy, fought and then spent nine months in a POW camp.
This article is phenomenal. There have been so many breakthroughs in PTSD and combat veterans. My fiance proudly served out country but there are times when he still shuts down and it’s hard for me to understand because I haven’t been there. There are things he can’t tell me because of clearance. I will take all ten to heart. Thank you!
It shows us all that these men who give their lives for their country, aren’t just the ones who die. Combat has changed the veteran’s lives forever. They and their loved ones are left with what war has changed them into. My late dad was a good father to me, but my impossible wish has always been to have known him, the 24-year old, before he jumped as a paratrooper into Normandy, fought and then spent nine months in a POW camp.
This article brought to mind an experience I had as a psychologist at a civilian county mental health clinic in the 1980's. One of my clients was a man in his 30's who was troubled by episodes of overwhelming anxiety, mood swings, difficulty sleeping, and episodes of explosive anger which was having an effect on his relationships at work and with his family. The onset of these symptoms was fairly sudden and had not troubled him until recently.
As he reviewed his developmental and personal history he came to mention he had served in Viet Nam in the Air Force. He was stationed at a remote radar station at a clearing in the jungle near the border with North Viet Nam at which he occasionally pulled perimeter guard duty in addition to his assignment as a radar technician.
At dusk one evening from his guard post he saw a little Vietnamese boy emerge from the jungle some 100 to 150 yards away and walking toward the station's position. He judged that the child was about ten years old and was carrying a package in his arms. Smiling broadly, the boy approached, repeating "Food!" in English indicating that it was intended as a gift of food from the nearby village. Nevertheless, this violated the general orders prohibiting anyone from approaching the sensitive installation. He frantically, gestured to the boy and shouted "Stop! Go back!" in Vietnamese yet the boy continued to approach closer. As the boy came within about 50 yards of the station, my client, the airman, couldn't allow him to come closer. He took careful aim with his rifle, put the sights on the boy's chest, and pulled the trigger. Instantly, the child disappeared in a massive explosion. The bullet had struck the explosives intended for him, his fellow airmen and the radar equipment. At the time, and for all the years afterward, my client was at peace with his decision as necessary under the circumstances.
So why was my client so tearful and shaking at the end of his story? What did it have to do with the "here and now"? As it happened, his own son had just turned ten. So often, combat veterans suffer invisible wounds that result from inflicting wounds on others.
I wish my husband would open up and speak to me before our divorce is final about how he really feels because after 37 yrs I know he is having a problem dealing with all of this since he got laid off 2 yrs ago from his job and going to the va for help seems things have just gone downhill. Even after all we have been thru over the yrs from his PTSD! Thank you for sharing these types of articles I know they help both of us see alot of things and that other people are having some of the same issues.
Thanks
WOW, Thank you for this article. As a combat vet myself, this really hit home for me.
Thanks for your article. I see this in my practice on mY VA patients everyday. It gives me good insight.
thank you….
I'm writing the 2nd Edition of my book, VeteranSpeak: An Introduction to the Language of Veterans… and I would like to include this post (not the commentary, but the post itself by Dr. Bahten) in the appendices of the book. What is the appropriate process to request this?
We are working on getting you that information!
You only have to reference that it was originally published on Military.com's SpouseBuzz.
Jacey
as I begin my Masters in social work, I'll print this out for my wall… because I think this needs to be read and re read. Since I want to be a counselor for the spouses – this is invaluable. Thank you so much.
Talk about spot on.
One of the books that was recommended in this article was "On Killing" by Dave Grossman. Don't forget his other book that he wrote, which is "On Combat", also a good read, and gives tons of information as to why the body and mind reacts the way it does when faced with these situations.
I can say that I definitely agree with almost every one of the 10 reasons mentioned above. And also would love to understand why no one ever mentioned any of this to me before it happened?
But finding out in hindsight is better then never finding out at all.
All I can say is AMEN to this. These issues seem to be universal. As the wife of a combat veteran that saw action in the Gulf of Tonkin in 1972-73, all of these symptoms were evident in his life and in ours by association. For the first 13 years of our married life we dealt with PTSD before they actually diagnosed it as a problem with returning soldiers. The VA, at hat time, did nothing for him. I thank God for Pointman International Ministries! These men and their wives were instrumental in helping us understand that it wasn't him and it wasn't me and it wasn't the kids but the situation and circumstance that would trigger him. Once we began to understand that, it was easier to deal with the outbursts. We will be married 35 years this month which is a testament to love and perseverance. Occasionally the PTSD will rear its ugly head, but we have learned to recognize it for what it is and for the most part defuse it before it goes ballistic. These men and women have been through hell and have come back. We need to give them some space when they need it and unconditional love without condemnation. They also need to know that they have someone to talk to if they want to and a shoulder to cry on should it come to that.
You put into words what we all feel. You are 100% on target.
Doc Steele
when i first saw this articale i thought it would be a joke from some shrink that wanted her name on something but i must admitt so much of it she nailed right on the head. good job on listening and writing this article .
Excellent!
Jeffrey Denning
Warrior SOS
Train. Win. Recover.
I have to say that although all 10 of these may not apply to all, all of them apply to some. I've experienced most of these things and it isn't until someone points something out that you're doing or said that you begin to realize that you've changed. I'm divorced and wish that this article would have been available when we were going through our "hard times". Even for those who, luckily, haven't had to kill or see people be killed, war changes you. It hardens you because you must be hard because weakness gets you killed, but more importantly it gets those around you who are counting on you killed. Those who have served will understand that last sentence. Civilians typically have a mentality of me first, but in the military its the opposite. We are trained and conditioned to fight as a unit, to win by working together, to survive by having each others backs, so when that guy in your fireteam, squad, platoon etc, that you didn't even really like all that much, gets killed, you can't help but feel that you some how failed them. We don't just blame the enemy, we blame ourselves. #4 and #10 rang truest for me and hit closest to home. In the months leading up to my last deployment to Afghanistan I became very withdrawn. I distanced myself from everyone that wasn't deploying with me, my wife, my daughter who was a year and a half old, family back home, everyone. When people think of our Soldiers, Airmen, Seamen, and Marines deploying, they think of the last long embrace, that last long passionate kiss or that last heart wrenching embrace of a father or mother who is about to be apart from their families for the next 7-14 months but what people don't think about and see are the ones who are already gone, like I was. In those months prior to deploying I pushed my family and friends away because I knew the possibility was pretty good that I might not come home. I didn't push them away to protect myself but I pushed them away to protect them, in the event that I was KIA. I just want to leave people who read this with this; We joined the military willingly, so we could fight for those who couldn't, to protect our loved ones, to protect our way of life, to preserve our Nation and all the great and wonderful things about it. So at the end of the day, after all the sacrifices we've made, risking life, limb, and our sanity to keep you safe, why on Earth would you ever think we'd intentionally want/try to hurt you. To all my brothers and sisters out their who have put on the uniform, tied their boots and strapped on a pack, I thank you from the deepest parts of my heart and couldn't possibly thank you enough for your service and sacrifice. I wish you all, "Fair winds and following seas."
Semper Fidelis
HooRah and well said.
Wow! I wish we would have seen this information 10 months ago. My son, a 29 year old Marine, took his life early this year because of what he had endured during his 4 tours to Iraq. In hindsight we saw everything described. Please, please, please families of Veterans and Veterans yourselves, SEEK THE HELP THAT YOU SO DESPERATELY NEED. A parent should never have to bury a child . . .
As a military spouse (and ex-military as well), thank you for this. It helps me to understand my partner, but also to understand me, and why I might do some things.
My husband has been on 3 combat tours and was pissed when he read this, but several of the things I have read on here is things I have to deal with on a daily bases with him. He wants to go back to a war zone and get shot at and he thinks that if he dies over there my life will be better without him. He almost came back to me in a box once, I was very lucky that they were able to restart his heart when he got blown up in Iraq on his 2nd tour.
The phrase "speak for yourself" comes to mind.
I have no idea why you would leap to some of these conclusions.
You're telling me that if I walked into your office and identified myself as a combat vet, you would think, "Hmm… odds are he had a violent alcoholic father."
That's absolutely ridiculous thinking.
I won't go into it, but good job.
As a wife of a combat Vietnam Veteran… hits it right on the head!