Would you follow your head or your heart? Katie,30, a military girlfriend, wants your advice. Katie has been dating her soldier, 33, for three months. They currently live two hours apart and spend every weekend together. They have already discussed having her relocate to his duty station, moving in together, getting married.
We can all understand that finding what you always wanted in a partner and having them want you back feels like a miracle. “This man is easily the love of my life,” says Katie.
The trouble is that a decision to fly off to be with the love of your life is different in your thirties than it is in your twenties. Katie and her soldier are both divorced. Her soldier has a three-year old who lives in another state. Katie has a job in human resources that is OK, but not life-defining. The Army offers even more complications. Katie writes:
His current assignment ends in six months. He has NO idea where his next assignment will be or for how long. I’m terrified to leave my home / job in another city without any kind of information of next steps, without any kind of commitment.
Does anyone have any suggestions? I want to continue to work, because I feel it is important that we both contribute to our financial future. Should I continue to look for full-time jobs in HIS town, before there is a commitment made?
With your experience with head and heart, what would you recommend to Katie? From where I’m sitting, making a decision based on the logic in your head makes more sense. So here are three suggestions I would keep in mind:
Three months in is three months too soon to move. I am all about the love. But in your thirties financial stability is a requisite to being a good partner. I’d want to get all the way through the wacky holiday season with a guy before I would be willing to move—best to see your partner over time before you pick him for life.
Get a job first, then move. Too many military girlfriends read the career statistics about military spouses and think those facts do not apply to them. The majority of military spouses do work. The research shows that they have trouble getting jobs not because they are not qualified to work or because they don’t try hard enough. Military spouses have trouble finding work because of structural problems related to military life. These will apply to you the minute you move in with a military guy. So get the job first. Nothing kills love faster than the daily grind of no job, no money and no prospects.
Don’t hurry because of orders. Just because your guy is due for orders doesn’t mean that the orders are on their way. He could get orders tomorrow. He could get orders next year. He could get an extension on the job he is in right now. No matter what rank a service member is, his or her duty station is at the whim of the military. Don’t make your crucial life plans based on something the military may or may not do.
But maybe I’m all wrong. Maybe it is easy to tell someone else to sit tight and wait when I am already married to the love of my life. Do you think Katie at 30 ought to follow her heart instead?
About Jacey Eckhart
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DONT DO IT GIRL!! WAIT WAIT WAIT AND WAIT!!! This is a huge life decision and shouldn't be rushed. I love my husband that is 100% certain but this life is hard and living together is very hard (living with ANYONE is hard). Wait until he has orders, find a job there, and then move if you still want to get married. WAIT!!!!
My background is in psychology with a Masters in Marriage & Family Therapy. I do not feel as if I'm being given any false impressions of his life, the responsibilities, etc. I grew up moving every 5 years with my family due to my father's job. I actually enjoy seeing new places and meeting new people. I've never had a strong female friend support system, so that will not be something that I give up. I've been divorced for about 3.5 years with no children of my own. __Again, I really appreciate yours and anyone elses' input. That's why I contacted Jacey! :)__I want readers to know the full situation when reading the post. I respect & commend all Military / Spouses / Family to keep everything together. I realize that I have MUCH to learn & experience in this lifestyle and fully expect a large learning curve. I will continue to look to these message boards for helpful advice. __Much love & respect, _'Katie'__
I wouldn't move in until married when it comes to the military. Orders are fickle and you don't want to find him stationed overseas with you moving yet again. Three months in is definitely not long enough. I will say military relationships move fast, but they also end fast. Make sure you are secure in your life before including him. You may find yourself long distance, but it's worth it. Believe me, my hubby and I ended up spending 2 1/2 years of our marraige seperated by orders. If it's real love it will last!
As someone who's been there (30-something, in a relationship with a military guy living half way across the country): don't move in until you are married or have a firm set wedding date. I followed my head, and have no regrets. There are too many unknowns with the military, a lot of challenges as "the other half", which will only be more complicated with limited military rights until you are formally married. It sounds like you may have followed your heart once before. Follow your head this time!
Thank you! :)
Living together prior to mariage is a bummer – involve active duty personnel and life becomes MORE complicated. Marry an active duty soldier and you have financial supports regardles of assignments.
UNMARRIED and you are on your own if your soldier is assigned say i the middle east. If your soldier is killed while on duty you have financial help IF MARRIED. UNMARRIED TOO BAD FOR YOU.
Way to make it sound like a matter of money over love. I don't think financial support should even be an issue here. A real woman would be able to support herself regardless. xoxo.
HOOAH to that Chanel!!!
I truly appreciate your suggestions. :)
I understand that our almost 4 months of dating is such a short time, but we both feel that we have had the chance, voluntarily or involuntarily, to go through so much together in such a short amount of time. We took a vacation together 8 days after our 1st date, he has already been deplolyed "on a business trip" for 2 weeks. during those weeks, I packed up his house and helped him move. I've met his child, we drove 16 hours one-way & back to go to his hometown for his Father's passing. We've both met parents & family: they are ALL supportive of us.
Hey Katie, what's the rush? The author was definitely right in saying that his orders can come at any time, tomorrow or a year from now, but let's say they do come in on time. What's the rush in moving only to move again in 6 months? I'm married, but I wouldn't tell anyone their life has to be built around titles. There are plenty of empty titles floating around…it's about commitment, so if you feel you have that, I just wonder why you feel the need to up and leave your situation to go into an even more unsure situation. I don't see any harm in you staying where you are, maintaining financial stability, and then after he gets his orders, going from there. Three months is not a lot of time, but that's not to say you can't connect within that time. I would just say give it more time….if you're in it for a lifetime, what's the rush?
DO IT, move with him if he is really serious about love you and you love him. Love pass one time in our lifes and if you let it go you never will get it again. Think this, you don't move because you are afraid or because of your job, but tomorrow they fired you and something happen to him HOPE NOT. If God is giving you the opportunity of love someone and that someone love you, TAKE IT, negative things always happen in life, to take advance of the good one's. I am in some similar situation, we living 1 1/2hr away, he work at the military base and I live with my parents taking care of them, he asked me to move with him and married in November, and I was afraid but I will do it, he is a good guy and God is giving us this opportunity and i will do it, I will trying to see if my parents sale the house and buy another one close to me so then I can help them and have my love with me too. I really wish you Good Luck! ohh…we have been together 3months too ;) close your eyes and do it work together for a better future.
If it feels right to you, do it. I would find a job first though and possibly one where you can easily get back into it wherever you go like counseling, teaching, etc. I moved in with my husband after 2 months of knowing him, but I also found a good job where he worked and lived and decided that I would be happy on my own there if it unfortunately came to that, and it didn’t! Things are different in the military. Most couples aren’t fortunate enough to get the same dating benefits that non military couples do. Try it, if it doesn’t work, at least you won’t have to ask yourself what if? I did it, and it was the best decision ever.
My husband and I started dating when I was in DC and he in WA. We racked up plenty of miles and airfare costs as we visited once a month, and nearly a year into the relationship we started thinking about living together. I was fortunate (still am!) to have a job that supports full-time telecommuting, so that was not an issue. I moved in after 14 months of long-distance dating, we had five months together, and he deployed for a year. I chose to stay in the apartment while he was overseas, and by the time he came home we both knew that the relationship was well-founded enough to last. Shortly thereafter we got engaged and are now married.
I'm glad we did not get engaged before he left. I am glad that I had that year "on my own" during the deployment to really understand what the lifelong commitment might mean for me before we both made it. I am also glad that I moved in with him – we were serious enough that I got added to the FRG roster, I started making friends with other spouses/partners, and I became a part of the greater Army community. I have absolutely no regrets. I'm also not sure that I would regret the experience if we'd broken up either during or after the deployment – I grew a LOT, forming my own identity, independence, and confidence.
We got engaged right before my dh's deployment. Married 10 days after he got home (he barely made it before I was postponing the wedding) I personally think if the commitment is there nothing can break you–we've been married 9 years now this sept. with 5 deployments behind us now. He was previously divorced, I had never married. I think part of why it worked so well was because we were older. knew what we wanted and when it fit, it fit. We also both knew you have to cherish your time together and take care of the little things. We are stronger than we were 9 years ago. We have as much fun together and now share our lives with a beautiful daughter. We were told we would have orders so many times my head spins thinking of it but we have been at this base for our entire marriage–I married military and found more stability than I ever had growing up–point on that is you never know when orders will actually come down and they get changed all the time. Does it really matter where you live as long as you are together? If that does matter so much you probably aren't ready to take the plunge. Think of the place you would most like to live, then think of him–if you had to have one without the other which would you pick? and I think then you have your answer. By now you know you can live without someone, but the question is do you still want to? When I realized that even though I didn't "need" my at the time boyfriend, but that I truly wanted to be around him I knew I had found "the one" for me. I think the things that make it work is if you continue to work at the relationship with each other.
If love is what you want most in life, then follow your heart, if a career is what you want, then follow you head. My now husband (29) and I (27) dated for 3 1/2 months last summer before eloping. We lived 1 1/2 hours away, saw each other 2 times during the week and every weekend. A week after we started dating he got orders to go to Korea in 4 months. The closer that day came, the more we knew we wanted to be together so we got married (even though everybody thought we were crazy) and 11 months later and with a baby on the way I couldn't be happier with the decision to follow my heart. I had to quit my job and before we met I was totally career driven (I have 2 bachelors degrees and a masters) but I just did what felt right. Make sure he's on the same page as you for your future, as far as marriage is concerned because as a girlfriend living with him, you won't get any benefits (like commissary use, health insurance if you quit you job and can't find a new one right away, etc.) and you need to talk with him about what you are going to do when he does leave in 6 months (are you going to get married before then? are you going to move with him as his girlfriend? If you can't find a job, will/can he support you until you do?). Only you two know what it feels like to be in your relationship and no matter how crazy it sounds, if you both want to be together and you both want love, then I wouldn't let anybody else talk you out of following your heart. More time together doesn't mean a relationship is stronger, it's both people commitment to the relationship that makes it strong.
Your first step should be marriage. If he loves you, this should be his first priiority, not living together. Real Love will endure all the stress, military transfers, babies, the whole nine yards. I am the widow of a retired Navy man. We were together for almost 57 years, believe me, things were tough. But through all the moves, the time he was at sea, I tried to make sure our 4 children were involved in all base sports activities, etc. We were very committed to our marriage vows, and children. When I lost him 10 months ago he left behind a legacy of 4 children, 3 grandchildren, and 8 great grandchildren.
Fair Weather and Fallowing Seas, my dear Sailor.
I think you should get a job in the location you would be moving to first. The reason is, you stated that you feel like you should be contributing to the finances in the relationship. I feel that way as well, it was how I was brought up, if you are getting a paycheck then you are "working". I have been unemployed now for 15 years, there are reasons, but until recently it really bothered me that I was not "contributing" to our financial health. Even more so because I'm the money person in the family and it just BUGS me. It can be difficult to find a job anywhere, but I must say I seen with some regularity jobs in Human Resources posted in USAJOBS. Sounds like for you right now, a job is better than no job, you don't "love" the one you're in. So that gives you more options. I think that if you move without having the income in the beginning, you may come to resent your guy, because if not for him, you would not have moved in the first place. I think the 3 months of dating is irrelevant. It sounds to me that the most stressful decision you are making is regarding working. If you have a job, then that relieves that pressure and you can work on your relationship and discover if you are meant to be. Also, don't use the military as a planning tool, plans change day-to-day, it just wont' work. The military is dynamic and ever changing. Because you are an independent woman in her 30s, you obviously can take care of yourself. So I also think it doesn't matter whether you get married or just live together. In your case, I think living together first, might just be a good idea. Sometimes love is not enough, better to find out before that you just can't hack being a "military spouse" then after you are married.
One other thing, you said you have a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy. Use it on yourself. Think about how you would counsel someone coming to you asking these same questions and how you would answer them. And also consider, maybe someone else has a plan here. You are 'technically' a counselor in a field that the military has a great need for right now. Maybe this is a door opening for you to push you in that direction, so you can get out of the job you don't "love" and move onto something more fulfilling and in a position where you truly know what you are talking about because you are "married" to the military.
Good luck.
If you have a master's in marriage and family therapy, you should know the divorce rate is 50% higher for couples who co-habitate before marriage. The divorce rate is also higher for those who have already been married and divorced, as both of you have. Since the divorce rate for "regular" couples is 50%, why would you want to move into the 75%-90% divorce rate category? Do you really need those kinds of odds against you?
The correct answer to "When should we live together is: "The day after your wedding!"
By the way, I have been married 27 years, have children 17-24 years old, a 21 year old daughter in the Navy, and I am a practicing marriage and family counselor.
Agree 100%. Katie, I have the degree you have and would not even move to the state that my (now) husband was transferred to prior to us getting married. Instead we dated long distance after he got orders to that state until we got married. I knew the high risk of our relationship not working out, and would not uproot my life without the commitment of marriage having taken place. Adding the stressors of the military, on top of all of the other obstacles (including in your situation him having a child), does not point to a happy ending.
It's people like this who will make your move hard, should you choose that path.
I bought a home with my boyfriend, moved from a city in the northeast, and I thank God every day that I did. He deployed five months later, and I feel so blessed to have had that time with him.
No one can make this decision for you. My only advice? Ignore the naysayers and statistics. Do what is right for you and your boyfriend. It's a tough decision, for sure. Good luck!
Katie, I say DO IT! haha. As a person who knew by the second date that I had found my soul mate, I understand your prediciment. I am in my 20s, been dating my soldier for almost 4 years, and living together for one year. When we first started dating, I fought falling in love so much. I was too scared that it wouldn't work out. I was too scared about what his service would mean for me and my career. I didn't think that it was realistic to expect a high school romance to last, but it has. I knew deep down that I loved him and that he loved me. That we both made each other better people. And that we complemented each other in such an astounding way.
__You know you're situtation better then anyone. It took me a long time to be convinced that what I was feeling was real. That, maybe, juusssstt maayyybee, fairy tales could exsist. And I wish I had known the entire time that I was already living one. My advice: if waking up next to him in the morning and kissing him goodnight are sooo wonderful of an idea that all the added complications (job, military, marriage, etc.) fade to the background then you have got yourself a keeper. Don't regret missing out on what could be your soul mate! I'm sooooo thankful that I didn't!
As a woman in my 30's, I say follow your heart but be smart! My guy and I dated for 8mnths before we moved in together due to finances. Shortly after our 1yr annv he received orders to move cross country. Neither of us wanted to do a long distance relationship so I transfered with my job and moved with him. Two year later and I don't regrete my decision one bit! We are now engaged and looking forward to our 'happily ever after' with many more moves to come. True love doesn't come around all that often! Be smart, pay your way and follow your heart.
nobody is on their death bed and looks back and say's " damn I should have worked more." I am married for 30 years now to MY soldier and sure it was a spur of the moment thing. (we MARRIED after three months) but, ya gotta take some chances in life and passing UP on a chance at love is just plain crazy.
Anytime before you say your mutual 'I do's", is too soon. Shacking up will always only be shacking up, no matter how many liberals tell you it aint.
Eh, she's 30 I think she's getting a little anxious…I wonder what boyfrind has to say about all of this. Definitly needs to wait. If it's true love, he will send for her when the time is right. I almost moved in with my boyfriend, but I changed my mind and waited for him to marry me. Plus think about all the things she wont be apart of….if he gets stationed overseas, she can pretty much forget it! Unless she wants to keep leaving the country every 90 days. Also she gets absolutly nothing and will not be acknowledged by the command. Patience, just wait….
I'd say waiting would be a good idea, if only because we (as military members) aren't officially anywhere until we arrive. As a child, I remember expecting to move to Washington DC. Then, about one month before departing, the orders were changed to GERMANY! When I was an officer in Korea, I saw a many "guaranteed" follow-on assignments change because the needs of the military changed. So there's simply the issue that you should wait to be sure he's actually there and not sent someplace else.
Then, because it's still boyfriend / girlfriend, I would recommend that you move there, treating it as if you were doing it alone (i.e., not to be with someone). Look at where you'd be living and working if you were on your own. Then, if things don't work out, you're self sufficient. I've seen many people with long term live-in relationships who then had to figure out what to do when the other party simply broke up with them. I truly hope it will work out with you and yours, but there is that off-chance that you must be prepared for.
My parents are an example of how a long-distance relationship can be good for individual stability. They spent basically their entire pre-marriage relationship living in different states. My father was going to have to go through months of training around the country and my mother had been accepted into Law School in Louisiana. But they kept up the communication (important element even when living in the same house) and visited as often as they could. Then, when his military career was stable and she’d finished that first year of law school, they were married and moved in together. That way, his bouncing around the country for training did not interfere with her own career progression and, because she was married to him when she uprooted her life to be with him, she automatically had the spouse benefits (base access, higher housing allowance, cheaper tuition for her remaining years of law school, healthcare, etc).
Honestly Katie, ""Everyone"" who is going to share their opinions and help give advice to you is only going to confuse you more! Why? You may ask, it's because Everyone lives a different life experience. Making choices on things like, marriage, a move, lifestyle,etc, are all "NOONE ELSES". That goes for EVERYONE!! ;)) Every choice we all make in life has a consequence, whether it be Fabulous or not so Fabulous, it still becomes a life experience and makes us who we are. Stop worrying what "society thinks what the right thing to do is, time is man made, it helps us stay organized in daily day or night procedure, whether it's bedtime or an appointment time or going to work. You may still be waiting for my final opinion on what you should do… I am not going to tell you my opinion because at the end of the day when I lay my head down at night I am not living your life, You are. So, ask yourself (trust your gut instinct) You already know what you want to do. Stop worrying what the "right thing" is because there is no right or wrong when it comes to a personal life decision. Live your life the way you want to! That goes for Everyone, People need to stop worrying what others may say or think and be happy i=with what you chose for yourself!
Katie, I was proposed to after only three months. You know when you know. We co-habitated for 2 months during our engagement just to get a feel for how each of us operates and get used to each others quirks before I PCS'd elsewhere. We got married 3 months later. I took a leap of faith but knew I would endure any hardship for this man as long as he kept his vows to me. Almost 3 years later, we are still very happily married and planning to be pregnant soon.
Granted this doesn't work for everyone, if he wants to propose and you want to accept and move in together before you actually tie the knot, go right ahead. Its better to break off an engagement than a marriage if you find you absolutely cannot tolerate living with someone. Just be sure to financially protect yourself at this stage in your life, you do not want to deal with setbacks or regrets in that area on top of love won and love lost. Best of luck to you, listen to both your heart and your head. (And if you're lucky enough to have one of those awesome moms, talk to her and listen to her sage advice.)
If you are both willing to make a commitment and get engaged, than I say DO IT! In my opinion, moving in with someone before getting married is a great idea because you learn SOO much about a person when you move in with them. You can then make an informed decision on whether you can stand their little quirks on a daily basis and actually want to get married. That being said, the military life is a whole different ball game. With him possible changing duty stations in less than 6 months, marriage is obviously going to be right around the corner (if you decide to move), since you won't get any military benefits (including moving expenses) until you are married. I do think you should find a job before moving so you won't have the additional stress of finding a job after moving. I wish you luck in your decision making and hope you can make the right choice for you and your boyfriend!
Very nice post! I really love this one
Nobody can tell you which is the right decision, but we can give you insights from our own personal experiences. I have been with my Air Force boyfriend for 5 wonderful months. I moved from Cheyenne, WY to San Antonio, TX "with" him after only 1 month of dating. We were both recently divorced. He had orders, I had the itch for a change. So when we moved down here "together,", I got my own place. Got my own job. We didn't want to put that kind of stress on our relationship that moving in together so soon would cause. Plus it has really helped me because I've become more self-sufficient and have come to know MYSELF a lot more, while also getting to know my boyfriend. We don't have the pressure of making things work because we "have to because we live together". Of course we want things to go well, and they are. Things can evolve naturally and so far it has been wonderful. In no way is this an "escape clause" for me, because I can't imagine life without my Airman. But it does give me a sense of self (following my divorce) that I probably would not have gained had I jumped into living with my boyfriend. I guess what I'm saying is that there are many options of you want to be closer to your man, but when you follow your heart, take your head with you! There are more options than living together or long distance.
I am in the same predicament! I move on the fifteenth with my three year bf to grissom afb, My biggest concern is will he make enough if i dont get a job right away?