Nat’s fiancée is leaving for his first tour of Afghanistan. “I’m going out my head already with worry,” Nat wrote in a recent email. “I keep having recurring nightmares about him out there.” Which is pretty typical for first timers. Nat is handling it.
The problem? Her Marine ain’t talking. “He has not spoken much about going away. He says he’s fine, but I know he’s not,” says Nat. Without words, Nat doesn’t know how to help her or himself even though she is proud of him 100%. Why won’t the guy talk?
Good question. So I asked my husband: “Doesn’t he know she loves him? Doesn’t he want to feel closer before he goes? Doesn’t he want to rest his head on her bosom and reveal his deepest darkest secrets? WHY WON’T HE TALK, DAMMIT???”
“I can’t talk about that,” said my husband. So I went to Dave Reeder and the guys at KitUp for answers. They talk about combat stuff over there. We didn’t get any female warriors discussing whether or not they talk about deployment with their significant others before deployment, but here is what the KitUP members had to say about why men don’t talk. Read the rest of this very insightful discussion here.
He doesn’t know what he is doing. “He doesn’t talk about it because he doesn’t know what to expect because he’s a newbie,” wrote Oscar. Many readers agreed. Being new at the military means that you don’t know what you don’t know. Speculating about what you don’t know or imagining yourself going through the events you’ve been told about or seen in the news or in a movie was viewed as unproductive. The consensus was that newbies needed to get their head in the game and focus on what they are supposed to be doing today.
He is getting very little information from the command. Sometimes military members don’t talk because they don’t actually have anything to talk about yet. “During the time before my first trip to Afghanistan there was not much dissemination of information within my chain of command to the lower enlisted soldiers,” wrote Charlie who is currently in the eighth month of a nine-month deployment. “There was much to do and it seemed as if the hoops we had to jump through to deploy never ended. When our NCO’s talked about the deployment it was geared towards getting us ready to leave. I had no type of accurate information until we made it into the country, went on missions and made an assessment of the general situation ourselves.”
Talking doesn’t help. Although this is a broad generalization, there was consensus in this group that men aren’t as verbal as women. “Men aren’t typically hardwired to discuss those things,” said Travis. “I know you imagine that we sit around with each other sharing our feelings and talking about those things, but we don’t, because we don’t have to, because we went through it together. We enjoy each other’s company because those things don’t have to be shared, they are already understood.” Brendan agreed. “His emotions right now are so focused on what he needs to do in the upcoming months, and where his focus should be. As much as you want an answer it may not be there, and you may need to accept that and just be there for whatever time it amounts to being. A lot of times nothing needs to be said.”
Talking makes things worse. Instead of resolving feelings and building warm feelings, talking about deployment worries might actually amplify worries for the service member. “Talking about things for men more often than not, makes things worse,” wrote Pastor Dan Westrund. “It may help alleviate her worries, but talking about it will trap him in a cycle of staring at it. This will increase his level of stress significantly and at this time, that is not a good thing. He will in all likelihood be talking to his mates about this as there will be diffusive humor and like.”
He is worried he won’t meet his own expectations. Several readers mentioned fear in all its forms. While spouses and fiancées and parents and girlfriends are afraid for the safety of their military members, these soldiers and Marines have their own worries. Majrod remarked, “Men don’t typically communicate emotions well. Men don’t want to talk about fear especially to a woman. Even more so, men don’t want to discuss their fear that they might not meet their own, their buddies or their unit’s expectations (that personally scared me more than anything and I don’t think I’ve talked about it more than twice in the 20+ years since).”
He wants to protect you. I know that you are a modern woman and that you can take care of yourself. But the kind of person who joins the military is often the kind of person who sees himself as your protector. He worries about your safety during the deployment. He worries about how he would take care of you if anything happens to him. He worries about your worries. Pastor Dan Westrund perceives it this way: “Another element is that in talking to her about it he now has to carry her concerns and worries without being able to provide a solution, something that is critical to men as a general rule. In not talking about it, it remains somewhat intangible whereas talking about it makes it concrete and amplifies it” Keeping firm boundaries between you and his worries feels like he is protecting you.
He’s torn. The prospect of deployment offers mixed feelings for everyone. “Of course he doesn’t want to be away from the ones he loves. He wants to go out to the bar, play video games, stand-by for word, eat edible food, and sleep through the night,” said Travis. “On the other hand, what he can’t really articulate is how jazzed he is to actually get to do a job he enlisted to do. He’s trained and studied and it’s all pretty much worthless until you deploy and actually get to perform the job.”
He doesn’t want to think about what he will be missing. By talking about being away from you, your service member is cornered into thinking about just what he has to give up. “ He’s not scared, yet,” said JC. “It has more to do with just being away from home and family and country for eight months and being confined to crappy digs when you’re not out there burning the mother down. It’s probably that simple. I didn’t talk to my wife beforehand for all my deployments, not because I was scared, but because it sucked to think that you were being pulled out of life for 3 or 6-8 months and the world was going to spin on without you for all that time. You avoid thinking about the stuff that gets you down.”
He isn’t your girlfriend. Several readers pointed out that what Nat was looking for was some comfort about her own worries about the deployment. “Your wanting to talk to him about his deployment might be your own need to process this huge change in your life and how uncertain and anxious it makes you feel. He’s your other half and he’s going far away to do something very dangerous, so his deployment affects you, too,” explained one reader. On SpouseBuzz we hear from women every day about how they need a friend or a family member to let them talk about their deployment fears and experiences without being judged. Although your own service member seems like the logical person to talk to, sometimes support for a marriage comes from the friends and neighbors and counselors outside our marriages.
He must acknowledge the risk. Some of the responders worried that by not wanting to talk about deployment certain absolute necessities would not be taken care of and families would be at risk. Yes, we spouses can understand the many reasons a service member doesn’t wanna talk about deployment. Yet the rule ought to be that the deploying service member invoke the men-don’t-talk rule without providing 1) accurate contact information for the command; 2) a firm plan to pay bills, and 3) a will that is signed, sealed and delivered.
He will talk later. I was struck by how many of the writers stressed the idea that what the soldier wants is for you to be there for him during the deployment a lot more than he needs you before deployment. Pick up the phone whenever he calls. Send care packages. “Write. Write. Write,” urged one reader. Many of the readers mentioned that stories about deployment will emerge in dribs and drabs over time. Be patient.
The thing we might all remember is that love is long and when you love someone in the military figuring out how to give them what they need and how to get what we need in return takes time. A lot of time. The process is made a whole lot easier when we have some insight from those of us who have gone before. So our deepest thanks toDave Reeder and KitUP contributors. Read the rest of their advice for the first deployment here.
About Jacey Eckhart
Comments
What a great post! My husband has his first coming up and we don't know a whole lotta info but its nice to see maybe some reasons for some changes in him.
My Daughter is going through desert training now inCA ..then to Ft Bliss tx. Where she is said to be deploying to Afghanastan.She does not want to talk about it.I feel that she is focusing on what she has to do.As a mom I will worry.I will respect her way that she choses to handle this journey ahead. I know I am scared I am sure she is also scared of the unknown. But to me being scared a bit is a good thing.You don't relax too much and it keeps you on your toes .You are always thinking of what can happen and prepare. I thank all our soldiers and families out there.May they all come home…We are so very proud of all
I Remember When I Was Getting Ready To Go ! The Military Stressed, Not To Talk To, Or About Your Mission Or Deployment; For Security Reasons !! Anything You Will Discus, Or Tell Your Spouse Or Relatives, Can Be Accidentally Told To Our Enemy !! That The Knowledge Of Anything, Can Be Dangerous For Us!! I Found It Difficult To Talk, Because Of The Questions Asked Of Me, Or Wanted To Ask Me! I Did Not Want To Get In Any Arguments With Loved Ones, Who Don't Understand What This Is All About !!! So I Kept Quiet & Tried To Be Humble About This stuff !!
This is a very insightful article. I deployed 7 times during my career and experience most everything the author discussed. Every spouse of a deploying service member should read this article.
Well, personally, I think this article is a bunch of hooey! It's like the age-old question: "Honey, what are you thinking about?"
not really. This is specifically a question from a (I 6assume) young girl, with zero experience with the military-spouse relationship, who is confused by her fiance's pre-deployment behavior. If she reads the advice from the combat veteran's and follows it, she will be able to back off the guy, give him the space he needs and move forward with being a supportive spouse/fiance/girlfriend, whatever. I think this discussion will help a lot of women understand what to do and what not to do.
The most important way to help your service member is to show – not repeatedly tell – that you are there to support and listen when he or she is ready. Beyond that, everything is taking care of you.
My husband and I have been through one deployment and the one thing he keeps saying helped him was that I was available, but did not pressure him. That I told him how important it was to recognize the signs that he needed help and to respond. And that I didn't care who it was that he chose to go to for help, so long as he got that help. And then I saddled up my plate with a ton of activities and interests to keep me occupied and productive throughout the year.
HE's TORN; needs to be expanded!! He is probably a little excited, it is an adventure, he is getting to do something that he has thought about and trained for, sometimes for years, and if he shows that excitement to you or others you do not understand it. I have been in the NG 43 yrs and deployed many time to different places most of them not combat but a few were. It is a challenge to your abilities and your senses to see and be in different cultures and lifestyles. He wants it but he can't show that to you and family because they won't understand it.
As a married female service member, I have to agree with what the guys wrote. I didn't talk about "it" for several months after. I certainly didn't talk about "it" before. But during those hard months, I needed him just to be there more than ever. Letters, packages, phone calls – even if it was 3am. Some months after I came home, my husband and I watched a movie and there was a police line-of-duty funeral. Then I said everything I held back. The guilt, the pain, the "What-ifs". Just because we can't be on the front lines doesn't mean we don't go through the same emotions, that we don't see our brothers-and-sisters in arms die (sad that I even need to say that – but time/experience has told me that I do). I give him a lot of credit for just being there for me, and not constantly asking me "how I was doing" and "What are you thinking?" because I didn't know myself.
Thanks for your post–I always appreciate hearing from female service members!
Hello HGRB, i served 8 years in the Marine Corps 2000-2008 i served as an infantry scout with a reconnaissance battalion. I invaded iraq and many of the palaces, without detail I was in a fair amount of combat. That being said,,,,,I thank and respect you and anyone that serves no matter where you are. All the meat head guys that think only taking lives is the real work and that it is an honorable thing that you must do to earn credit……they are fools and most likely cowards and they probably didn't engage in combat themselves. I know this because I was 18 and 19 years old on my first deployment. I was an over righteous asshole when i came home. I thought because i fired a rifle that I was now better than everyone else,, military or civilian. I got shot down quickly by my family which if you came to a holiday gathering,,,,,depending on deployments you would see about 4 special forces members and 3 others of the military. They would agree with my comments here. So in closing, I request that you hold your head high and be proud of everything you have done. You matter as much as the trigger puller, and the older I get, I realize that all that I was proud of at 19 yrs old is much different than now. The real veterans with half a brain will agree with this. Im Proud of you ! and you should talk when your ready. If you have not been there, then you cannot understand what it really feels like, but as veterans we need to seek help when we are ready to talk and not put it all on our spouses. Veterans must stick together. Semper Fi
I am 29 years old, i'm a male Marine that has served 8 years and two combat deployments. I was in Iraq for the initial invasion. I was newly married at the time, I agree with most of the comments in one way or another. My first fire fight I was only a teenager. I trained long and hard like all service members do….to prepare for WAR. I believe he or she doesn't talk before deployment because they are mentally preparing to leave everything they have ever known as home or normal. When you step foot off the boat or plane in the middle east you realize that you are very far from home. Spouses should stick together during this time of change and stress, your service member is about to go through one of the most powerful and mind blowing experiences of their lives. I personally was driven to work hard and survive the deployment by thinking of who I loved most. The worst thing you could do is put more pressure on someone before such an adventure…..they have to be strong so they can survive and defend the Freedom of the country, so you need to be strong for them. No matter what anyone says it will be one of the hardest things you go through in your relationship…..saying goodbye at the bus is not fun, but we as service members joined knowing what the possibilities could be. As the spouse you entered a relationship with this person knowing their job or career. Most of my family is military so it was the next step for me to become a man in their eyes. Veterans are not perfect, but they will try to be. I tell you one personal story……..i saw a young man commit suicide a few feet from me because he received some type of Dear john letter from his girlfriend. He had only been an infantry marine for a few months…not one bullet was fired yet except his. I also witnessed some of the greatness that does happen in war, brotherhood till death and human survival at its rawest. It was hard to get mail at that time..( 2003) but when we got it, all I wanted was one letter. At least one…..I would slowly read every word, and all that was written was positive and full of life. That kept me fighting,,,that kept me more alert, that kept me alive. We as veterans sacrifice everything for the people of this country,,,, and in return all we want is love,respect, family, friendships, and freedom just like everyone else here. If we can fly all over the world fighting for millions of people we will never meet, is it too much to ask the families and spouses of those men and women to step it up and be stronger than ever for your hero. No matter the gender or race, or military occupation, we are all one fighting for this beautiful country. Every single person keeps the machine running. Everyone will be a better version of themselves with love and strong support behind them. I would say spend less time talking and the most time being with the people you love. Life is short, stop trying to control it. Just be in the moment, because as a Sgt. of the Marine Corps I have learned that the hard way. SEMPER FI
Wow, you have a way with words. Beautifully put and honest. Thank you.
The military now has a lot of good printed materials full of information, support and great advice for those of us staying behind. If you are a significant other or spouse and haven't seen these books, CDs and pamplets you should start asking for them from your military loved one. If he/she doesn't have them, ask them to get you a contact who can give them to you. Hope online and look at all the books available, blogs by military spouses, and online military resources.
There is no reason to feel isolated or alone in dealing with the challenges of deployment. There are lots of other people who have been there and can provide help from their personal experiences. Knowing that what you are feeling is common and seeing how others have dealt with those emotions is one of the best survival tools you can have. Some of the most helpful advice I received about dealing with the massive stress of pre-deployment was a few lines from one of the books I received at pre-deployment family training.
In every phase of deployment I have sought out good advice from books written by military spouses (see Amazon.com), websites, blogs, etc. and all this has put me in the position to be the greatest support I can be and keep life on the homefront going well too.
That doesn't diminish that deployment can be really tough, lonely and frustrating, but when you have a plan with how to deal with the challenges and know from other's experiences that you can be successful, strengthen your family, relationship, etc. it sure does give you a lot of comfort and courage.