I’m the Queen of Goodbye. That is, I am the Queen of Goodbye once I actually get to the moment of goodbye. In the months preceding a separation, I’m the character most likely to tug on my husband’s shirt, look up at him like a Ty Beanie Boo and whisper: Don’t leave me. Please don’t go.
The first year we were married, this was kinda cute. My little husband would try to argue me out of this feeling. He would patiently explain 
to me how he had to go. How he didn’t want to leave. How he would be AWOL if I did not let go of his shirt this minute.
I did not note the little edge in his voice every time he had to say this. I wanted us to be one of those couples who clung to each other on the pier until the absolute last possible second before deployment. I wanted the Command Master Chief to pry us apart. I thought the best goodbye was the one that lasted longest.
Wrong answer. The more we said goodbye, the more I figured out that the clinging goodbye was the weakest possible position. Because in military life, goodbyes aren’t about the quality of your love. Goodbyes are about power. Goodbyes are your opportunity to take power over the deployment.
Instead of framing the goodbye as Please don’t leave me. Please don’t go. The best goodbye puts you in the driver’s seat. The best goodbye is framed as I am sending you. I am delivering you. I am letting you go.
It is a subtle difference. But don’t you think that the difference between a good military life and a painful military life is often the way you frame this stuff in your head?
When I take the power over the goodbye, I find that I am capable of driving my husband to the ship or the airport. I can help him unload his stuff. I can shepherd my kids through their goodbyes then kiss my love so he will remember it for months to come. Then I can drive away without getting into a ten car pile-up.
I get big-eyed again later, of course. But the Queen of Goodbye chooses the option that renders the most power every time.
Do you say goodbye quickly or is the slow goodbye better for you and yours?
About Jacey Eckhart
Comments
I agree that goodbyes give an opportunity to take control. I work hard to send my soldier off with all the confidence I can muster. I never want to be the reason that he loses focus or second-guesses himself. I want to be strong for him, so that he can know that I've got everything handled on the home front. Granted, he knows it won't be handled nearly as well without him, but everyone will be loved and fed and clothed and schooled and whatever else needs to be done until he gets back.
All of that said, I never sleep well the first couple of nights that he's gone. I give myself permission to cry myself to sleep occasionally, if for no other reason than as a stress reliever. And he knows that all of that happens.
But in the moments leading up to his departure, we take advantage of them to have GOOD together times. I don't want to be a simpering wife – it's weak and foolish. After all, it's not like he can refuse to go once the orders are handed down. I want him to know that I support him in his life choices, because I know that he's doing his very best to provide for his family. He needs my support, *especially* when the going gets tough.
our first good-bye war rough. I was very clingy and I didn't realize back then that when I said to him "don't leave me" I was actually hurting him. It made him feel like I didn't trust him. Now I simply say good-bye, tell him I'm really going to miss him a ton and that he'd better call me a bunch, and let him leave. It's better for the kids this way because they see me being strong and looking like daddy leaving is totally normal and it makes them feel strong as well. Definitely a better way to say good-bye.
I agree that a short, less-clingy goodbye is best. My husband knows how hard this absences are on me, and he doesn't LIKE leaving me. However, dragging it out and making it really sad will just make him feel more guilty and add to his stress. He has enough stress where he's going, without having to worry about me. I'd rather assure him that while I'll miss him, I understand why he has to go, I support him, and I'll be strong. There's a time and place to discuss your fears and insecurities, and you shouldn't just pretend "everything is fine" if it's not. We have talks in the months leading up to the departure where we put it all out on the table. But I think putting on a brave face is best in those last few moments when you're saying goodbye. Your spouse already knows you'll likely go home and cry, but their last glance at you holding it all together will be so reassuring. Cliche, but, it really is all about attitude!
I am new to this and am in the middle of my husband's first deployment. Leading up to his leaving, I found myself at first telling him "I'm going to miss you so much" and "I don't want you to leave" kinds of things. Later, I noticed that rather than making him feel wanted and loved, these statements seemed to make him feel more anxious, sad, and stressed about leaving. So I changed my approach and began saying things like, "I'm really looking forward to when you come home." or "When you get back we'll take the kids camping. I'll get everything ready while you're gone." I feel like it helped me, too because instead of dwelling on the time you'll be apart, you focus on the planning for when he's back.
Kim, I like your attitude, that is the best approach for you to always take. The first deployment is never easy, but I must say you are a true military wife (strong to the bone) and I congratulate you on having such a great attitude and for taking such a positive approach to the situation. My husband has deployed so many times over the past 28 years of his military career that I think we both have lost count. His first deployment came 4 days after we returned from our honeymoon, it was hard on both of us, but we survived it. We often joke about the fact that we were married for over 10 years before we were able to celebrated an anniversary or birthday on the actual day. We always focused on his safe return and making plans to celebrate when he's back home. I think you have the right idea and I hope others will take your approach. Over the years I have never said goodbye to my husband, so after my I love you, hugs & kisses, I always end with "later babe". I asked him how he felt about my approach to the deployments & he said it allow him to focus more on his missions rather than worrying about me, because he knows I am keeping busy & dealing with the deployment just fine. We always want our husbands to focus on their missions and staying safe, and not worrying about us at home. During deployment, I often try to share my experiences in how I cope with the constant separation over the years with young wives, and I hope they will take your advise.
I am one who does the goodbye in tears. I try to be strong and act like it is no big deal but when he is gone I feel part of me is missing. We spend a lot of time together as a couple and family. We never make decisions about his career without thinking about the price our family pays is. My husband has never put a list together of bases for our next adventure without talking to me and he has put our family in front of his career. I don't make him feel guilty about leaving as I know he would rather be at home with me. That being said I always go to the gate when he leaves and stay with him until he has to go. He does not bored quickly but waits until the end. He holds me and tells me many things he loves about me and wipes my tears away.
I may cry but I agree about the difference in letting him go. I also like the idea to make plans when you get back. Vacation etc. Its nice to have something to look forward to. My husband will be leaving in a few months for his first deployment and I'm not sure how I'm going to be but hopefully I'll be able to pull it together. Great post=)
Fantastic post and I think one that is needed by every military spouse, even the ones who for the most part have mastered the artful goodbye. A good reminder always strengthens one's resolve. While I've said goodbye many times, we are in the midst of our first biggie deployment. I think I was in shock a bit, so I was already pretty quiet and reserved. I helped carry the smallest of the ridiculously heavy bags, held his hand whenever possible and did everything I could to let him know that I/we would be okay. I wiped away a few tears as we waved goodbye to the blacked out windows of the bus pulling out. But then I had a big fat cry as I walked back to the car, watching and listening to a tiny, little boy completely collapse when the bus drove away wailing "Dad, Dad, Dad!" That right there did me in. My goodbye tip…don't wear much make up so if you do cry, you won't look like a crazy clown when on the drive home. Haa-haa.
We had a weird goodbye for our first deployment that we are in right now. We were told we were not allowed to go where they had to form up so I had to watch him walk across the field from his company to the rec center. I was trying not to burst into an ugly cry so I couldn’t even choke out an ‘I love you’. Part of me wishes it would have been done differently, watching him walk away through that field was so hard, but part of me is glad we didn’t have to watch each other from afar after he was locked in.
My husband is currently wrapping up his first deployment, and while the goodbye was not easy at all, I do believe I was able to hold myself together reasonably well for him. He deployed from a base 5 hours away from our house, where he had been on TDY for a few weeks leading up to the deployment, so I drove there so we could spend as much time together as possible on the weekends & days leading up to when he left. He was really worried about me driving that distance home immediately after saying goodbye and told me several times to pull over and get a hotel room for the night if I needed to, but I did my best to reassure him that I would be fine, that I would take care of myself and get home safely without wrecking the car (and surprisingly I didn't even really cry much until I arrived home). Thankfully his flight had a long enough layover that I was able to arrive home before he ultimately left U.S. soil, so we were able to talk one last time, giving him the peace of mind he needed going into it knowing that I was home safely. Our goodbye was over before I knew it, but I just told him that while it would be hard, I would get through it knowing he would be doing everything in his power to come back to me, that I would miss him like crazy, and that I am proud of him and love him more than anything.
I enjoyed reading the suggestions here. I'll be experiencing first deployment goodbye soon and will definitely keep the positive approach.
DCG you are not alone. We're here. We've been there. I have found this web site to be my best sanity saver for our first BIG deployment. Any time I'm feeling discouraged I come on over here for a laugh, a cry or both. You can do it!