Childless confusion and childless ignorance invades all aspects of my life. Especially on a military base.
I’m used to three distinct kinds of traffic here, and only three: base traffic, beach traffic, and the traffic that comes from every blue-haired lady living within a 20 mile radius going to the post office at exactly the same time which, it’s worth noting, is also exactly whenever I happen to go to the post office.
These things are the rhythm of my childless day, and the the only things I really have to plan my workday and childless family life around. So imagine my surprise when I showed up at a pilates class on Tuesday at the regular pilates time only to find out the regular pilates time has moved without any apparent warning. That was the summer schedule, ma’am. It’s the school year now.
We don’t have children.* So when it’s suddenly the end of August and everyone is hurling around town between the hours of 7 and 8 a.m. and 3 and 4 p.m., I’m caught off guard.
I’ve long referred to bases as the most fertile places on earth, and that makes them a really strange place to be when the only hand you have to hold when you cross the street belongs to your sweet, hand-holding husband.
Living childless has its perks: we can have too much wine with dinner and not feel badly about it, we can watch any movies we want without arguing over when we’ll put on Veggie Tales, and our house is remarkably clean.
But when it comes to living childless at a base, things start to get complicated. Not only does the world suddenly turn on this intrinsic, the-school-year-has-started clock, but you’re thrust back into a series of events that pervade military life in which you are automatically given the awkward role of trying to figure out where you belong: are you a family? Or are you two singles?
Do you go to the Easter Egg Roll and be those creepy adults with no children looking longingly at every family with them?
Or do you instead hang out with all the single Marines, who inevitably are in a very different life place than you are,** and are back home watching whatever ESPN is showing and drinking their cold beer in peace? Do you placate yourselves with the knowledge that you’re at least not being that creepy couple at the Egg Roll, you’re just those people turning their good friends into third wheels?
Don’t forget the Christmas parties, where you’re that adult couple that looks like it’s either lost its child or its sanity. You’re the people sitting by themselves in a sea of huddled families, clapping perfunctorily at the children’s winter wear contest and all throughout the talent show. Why are you here eating boxed mashed potatoes and watching children get their pictures taken with Gunny Claus? And dammit, can’t someone lend you their child so you can get your picture made with Gunny Claus, too?***
And family fun days!
You know what’s fun? Bouncy houses! You know what’s super fun? Buildings entirely full of them that have sprung up specifically to cater to all the family fun days military units have! It’s a great business plan. Children are dragged away from the t.v. and forced to have non-digitized fun while adults socialize over lukewarm colas and lousy beer. It’s like Chuck-E-Cheese’s, only the adults are actually supposed to have fun too. And most of them do! You see them having it! Because when their kids are jumping on these incredibly awesome-looking bouncy castles, and they ask their parents to come jump with them, these adults get to! Their kids want them to, and it’s both normal and good parenting to play with your kids.
But when you don’t have kids, you’re standing there, holding your sub-par pizza and drink, wondering exactly how early you can extricate yourselves from this event without seeming rude. If anyone knows the answer, please, share.
Single Marines don’t tend to go to these things, because it’s all about “family fun.” And since they’re not yet families, and they’d rather drink their lousy beer in peace at the bar anyway thank-you-very-much, they don’t have to go.
But when you’re a childless, married couple, you’re sort of expected to be there. And you get to spend a couple of hours just staring at the bouncy castles because no, you’re not under the age of 12, and no, you don’t have a child begging you to come play with them, so no, you don’t get to have any fun.
Throughout the summer, we childless couples are let off the hook. No one is on the school year schedule, and everyone, childless and not, is traveling, having barbecues, and living remarkably similar lives. But all of this comes crashing down at the start of the school year, when the entire population of military bases across the country ceases living in the same world we have shared all summer and revert to this breakfast/drop-off/pick-up/homework/dinner routine, and because you don’t have children, you miss the memo.
The world launches back into its normal cycle without you, and you’re standing there, holding your spouse’s hand, trying not to step on the small children who suddenly appear under foot at the PX, racing between their parents and the school supply section, and you steel yourself for another year of holiday parties, family fun days, and all the other awkward moments that come for the childless few among us.
So if you, too, find yourself the childless anomaly on the base right now, confounded by sudden speed at which you’ve been thrust into yet another childless school year, don’t despair. Pour yourself an adult drink – one that isn’t lukewarm soda or lousy beer, because you still have a childless family fridge free of lunchables but loaded up with delicious beer and wine for grown-ups – and toast to us: we’re not alone.
And while everyone else is rushing around, we can stop and enjoy the start of autumn. I’ll imagine you and yours holding hands, watching the leaves change and fall, and take a little bit of comfort in knowing we’re not so alone in this after all. And when you stop to think about it, don’t you love the fall? It makes me want to be school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address. On the other hand, this not knowing has its charms.
Just knowing you’re out there is enough.
(Ten points and eternal love to the person who gets that reference.)
*Not for lack of trying.
** See above
*** This year I’m getting that picture. I love Gunny Claus. So when you see that lone woman standing in line to get her picture taken, wave and say hi. That’s me.
About Raleigh Duttweiler
Comments
My husband and I spent our first married 9 years as a childless couple. I didn't really feel like I didn't belong anywhere. We hung out with couples w/kids, couples w/o kids and single Marines with or without girlfriends. I didn't spend much time thinking about what I was missing out on, I focused on the fun I was having as a childless couple. Unplanned weekend trips, sleeping as long as I wanted after a night of partying, lazy Sunday mornings w/my husband, going out on the town whenever we wanted and not having to budget in the cost of a babysitter, and having s e x whenever we felt like it. Enjoy what you have now, because as soon as the baby arrives your life will be forever changed. Don't get me wrong, I wanted kids and I cherish the 2 daughters I have and I wouldn't change a thing, but there are those times, especially after a hectic week of balancing 4 different schedules and running around like a maniac, my husband and I sigh as we remember the days when life was simpler.
Thanks for the input, Mel! We are trying to enjoy the time childless, too… and we do spend time with all of our friends with and without children, although of the latter, there are very, very few. I think the hardest part of us is when people ask us why we DON'T have children (one of those questions you should never ask, anyway), and we try to change the topic… in our case, we lost a baby, and we've been trying, but, you know, babies come when they're ready and not a minute before.
My husband and I childfree by choice and will remain so but I totally understand what you mean about no fitting in anywhere. It seems like every event is geared towards kids and even the few that arent of course a few dummies still bring their kids. Thanks for your sharing your experience.
Thanks Raleigh, this is a beautiful post.
I really enjoyed this post. My husband and I have chosen to not have children and its hard fitting it. Everyone and their mom has 4 kids it seems. Were in the def minority and unlike you do not yearn to be near kids which is even harder. But I really liked your perspective and thank you for sharing your experience. I wish the child free were more represented instead of kiddie activities always being the norm.
Rquick, I will pour a glass of chilled white tonight and toast you and yours! I know the feeling all too well, and I agree… I wish there were some programming for those of us who aren't slamming beers and fist-pumping at clubs, but are married and happy, just not yet parents, either. I kind of think supper club or something? Maybe we could start something!
=) I'm so down!! And Cheers!!
A supper club for the child-free! What a great idea! My husband and I are stationed at Fort Bragg, are CFC (childfree by choice), and I've always felt sort of "different." I would love to see an activity of some sort that CFC-centric instead of kid-centric!
Thank you for this. I don't plan to have kids soon, if ever, and I always feel left out. Most of the activities on base are for families with kids or single soldiers. I can actually say I feel really left out at this base. It drives me crazy when people think because I don't have kids I have it easy. I wish the Moms out there who get to come home to their kids and take care of them and have a house full during deployment could think just for a second how lonely it is to come to an empty house when your spouse is gone. I enjoy my freedom, don't get me wrong, I just wish that sometimes there were more childfree activities offered that don't involve sky diving or rock climbing! Raleigh, I am not sure if you are aware of this either but couples who don't have kids do not like to be called "childless". I am childFREE! Thanks for this post!
I'm about to survive my first deployment at at base – I've been living in New York working on my phd for the last 11 years, and our relationship has worked really well long distance. But now we're done, and now I'm here, and now I'm suddenly aware of the fact that it's Me And The Dogs. And that's it. That's going to be our life. And I'm struck by how lonely that makes me feel. I never felt lonely once in New York – where people of all shapes, sizes, and stripes abound – but here? Thank you so much for speaking up and sharing – it's hard enough to go through this, but it's a lot better when we're not going through it totally alone.
well feel free to email me anytime. I was alone for ten months and he left after only being here three weeks with me. It stinks, but its doable. You never have to feel guilty for spending an entire saturday watching a say yes to the dress marathon eating ice cream ;)
(do i get to stop feeling bad about doing that when he's here?) NO I NEVER DO I SWEAR… (lies, sheer lies)
I can totally relate to this post. It's very lonely when they are on deployments and you don't have kids. I think the sad thing about all this too, is not everyone can even have kids. People just assume if you don't have kids you just don't want them, but some people physically can't have them. I am always looking for something to do on base, but it is all kid based. As far as activities go. Which don't get me wrong, I think is a great thing for families, but not everyone has kids. So most of my activities are not done on base.
Good post. My husband and I have chosen to be child free. We are now entering our 19 year of marriage and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love the kids in our squadron but at the end of the day, they go home and we go home and, as you said, have a little to much wine for dinner with no repercussions. As for the family day activities, we usually volunteer to set or clean up that way we aren't feeling awkward being there.
Sonja, that is a BRILLIANT solution. I'm a little embarrassed I didn't think of it myself. Thank you!
Stealing this idea as well. Genius! I can only take so many bounce houses and face painting "mandatory fun" days.
My husband and I are also childless and I think you hit the perks on the head for sure. We like that we can have a great social life guilt-free and I personally love that my career can be my focus. At least for now. I want to be a mother, perhaps more than I've ever wanted anything. But I love that I've waited awhile to take that step. That I became a better person, that we strengthened our marriage, and that we will truly be financially and emotionally ready to be parents when the time comes.
I will say, that I can't wait to *finally* go to Disney World. For some reason, convincing childless adults to go is difficult and weird. When I have kids, that's high on the list! :)
Mel, we are planning to go to Disney for our next spring vacation!! I think it will be a completely different experience as parents but I want to enjoy it childfree as well! I say just go for it, it will be a lot more affordable without kids as well.
Mel, we're in the same boat. I wanted to become ME – the person I dreamed of being as a child, before I dreamed of being a wife – before we started the road to children. It's VERY personally satisfying and I wouldn't change it for the world, although now that we're actively trying to have kids, I find myself regretting not doing it when I was younger and super fertile : ) But these things happen when they're supposed to, and Disney is a BLAST without kids. I know… I went with one of my best friends. In our twenties.
And yep, I had my picture taken with every princes I saw.
Well, why don't you just have kids then?
Curious… it's exactly that kind of questioning that makes those of us without kids feel so awkward all the time. We don't have kids because we lost a baby. And when it comes to childbearing, there's no "just have kids." But truthfully, that's irrelevant.
is this a real post? really?
I actually get asked this a lot, so I'm inclined to believe it's not meant to be humorous.
I do too but this person obviously didn't read the entire post or was trying to be rude. I was being sarcastic! Like, really? REALLY??
Is this real life?
Well, we have been trying for a year and a half, so we cannot "just have kids". And before that, we decided that we wanted to enjoy each other before having kids to run after. Kids do not solve everything and most of my friends who decided to "just have kids" without thinking about it are divorced now because they saw it as simply as you seem to.
I'm going to be a little immature here and say – you deserve a punch in the face. Not all of us can "just have kids". My husband and I have tried for four years and have been unsuccessful. We've undergone fertility treatments much of this time and it's been very hard. We are to the point now where we focus on what we have and still hope to have a child one day. But for now, it's just us and we are making the best of it. Don't be so naive.
That reference is to “you’ve Got Mail,” of course!
You’ve Got Mail!
Danielle, we are bound to be friends.
This is a great article.
I get the same questions from everyone!! I had to have a chat with my mom about when my husband and I were going to have children because she kept telling me that I’m getting too old (I’m 27) to have children and it’ll be hard. She keeps hinting she wants a grandson because my older sister has two girls. I had to ask her to stop because it came to the point that every time I visited her, she kept asking about when we’d have kids. And I visit my parents every week.
If it’s not my parents, it’s his parents or my siblings or his aunts and uncles or my aunts and uncles or my cousins or my friends or his coworkers. Our neighbors have even asked us when we will be having children (they are all 10+ years older than us with kids ranging from 18 to 3).
I know that people are excited to see what our children will look like but can’t they just wait patiently until we are ready to share that piece of news ourselves?
I'm 27 to and my husband just turned 28. And I've been straight with both families since the very beginning that I won't be having kids. I've known since I was in 8th grade that kids werent for me. So next time they ask just say never is thats the way youre leaning. I find that a direct answer keeps the same question from coming up/ Good luck!
We have a baby now, but I can relate! When my husband was deployed there were sooo many kid-centered events that I wanted to pull my hair out. It irritated me even more because I did want to have kids, but because of the Army's wonderful timing (ha ha) it didn't happen before then. And since our daughter has arrived, we're tossing around the idea of homeschooling, which puts us on a completely different schedule that the rest of the "schooling" world! Anyway, I think there should definitely be more activities for the couples who don't have kids and, heck, even for the single people! They deserve to have some fun without feeling out of place!
For those of you who think there should be more activities for couples w/o kids and single people, do you participate in your unit's family readiness group? In my experience, family readiness meetings are where upcoming events are suggested and where the planning occurs for those events. The only way to make a change in your unit's events is to become involved and make your voice heard. Also, why not plan your own event that is offered to couples and singles. People create play groups with fellow unit wives, why not create a monthly event that doesn't include children? Instead of griping about what isn't provided, take the initiative and figure out a way to get your needs met.
I have suggested many times to have more events that don't feature kids "stuff". I was told that events must involve the majority (people with kids) and have to be inclusive. Also, most family day events are held on Thursday afternoons when I am at work. So I can't come because I have work, but I am not allowed to have support for something for childfree couples. That is the push back I have gotten. You have to include everyone.
I am thankful that so many people used childfree in their responses as opposed to childless. I am in my early 40s with no children. Whenever we move to a new base or he gets a new command, someone new comes to the command, etc, the first question always seems to be about children. When stated we have none, they ask when do you plan to have them? why don't you have them? if you can't, why don't you adopt? the list is long and often tiresome. And personally, none of anyone's business. Chosen, not chosen, forced, whatever. I do not ask people why they choose to have children. It is not ok to ask those personal questions and even worse, to make assumptions about out life (whether we want kids, can't have them, etc). I used to be involved with the kids activities when we were in our twenties, even playing Ms. Claus at a skating Christmas party, but as I got older I feel it has become less necessary. I am more then being a mother of children, I am not less because I do not have them. I look for women to enjoy that feel the same. I don't try so hard to fit in as much as I try to find others I fit with. I form relationships with moms that wish to have adult company and conversation, and other women/couples that either have no children or they are grown and away. I have a Master's degree and own my own business and have strong, true relationships, many with some of the highest quality of military spouses (regardless of child status). You will find those couples that nurture their marriages as much as parent their children and are eager to have that adult companionship as well. Life is full as we make it, even for us childfree families. Thank you for your perspective. Best of luck with your adventures.
Here, here! :) I, too, do not have children. I was a little off put by the term "childless." I found it a little insensitive to those who may not be able to have children. I currently choose not to and completely despise being asked by others when my husband and I will be having children. I never feel awkward at family unit events.
I am amazed that people are that rude, WOW!! I (always play devils advocate) would ask them why they had children? How is it so important? I am more than a wife, and didn't change my name when we married, and I have fought hard to be more than a wife, mom, military spouse identity is hard to hold onto sometimes. Kudos to you.
Terri, If you don't mind me asking- where are you stationed? I think EXACTLY the way you do on this topic.. and always use the term childfree. Also, I get a little tired of people implying my husband and I don't have a "family," when we certainly are a family. A couple certainly doesn't have to reproduce to be part of a family unit. :) I even had the military housing people put "The (our last name) family" on the little sign in our yard on post, lol, instead of "The (our last name, plural)."
You know, wether you do or you don't have kids, embrace who you are and where you are in your life journey. There re no wrongs or rights about having kids vs not having them. Anyone can fit in at any event if they so choose- my husband is proof of that. We have children but before when he didn't, he was a single soldier with married friends (who had children) and his mind set was 'I'll involve myself and have fun'. So needless to say becoming dad was more fun for him- even more reason for him to act like a big kid at vents and not have anyone look at him like he had horns coming out of his head ;)
Oh. One more thing: we have 2 preschoolers, 3 & 4. And our house has always been tidy and kept. Having kids doesn't mean your house is automatically a mess ;)
I can relate. My husband and I are childfree by choice (another stigma in and of itself in the military community- you become a pariah if you just plain do not want children) and since we're pushing 30 and he's been in for over 10 years, we're in that awkward spot where we don't quite fit in with the 18 and 19 year old newlyweds who are childless until that second pink line shows up and still a little young to be rubbing elbows with the chiefs and officers whose children have grown and moved out, or are just older. Most people our age (28) have school age kids, and while we have a lot of awesome friends who do have kids and know that we absolutely do not want children, the questions from his coworkers and their wives/husbands about when we're going to have them, how we don't know what we're missing, why we don't have them, etc. I've become an expert at diverting the conversation elsewhere because honestly those questions are rude- you don't ask a woman if she's pregnant (even if she obviously is,) and the same should go for asking a woman (or man) why they don't have children. I get the "wow, if you have kids, you'll be old!" (I'm 28. That's not old. It's just old in the military community, where people start having babies much younger than the general population.) "But who is going to take care of you when you're old, don't you want to see what they'll look like, etc. etc."
When my husband deployed for a 4th time last summer, I began to think that I was the "last of the Mohicans;" the oldest childfree spouse (and maybe the only childfree spouse) in his command. I got really sick of going to poster decorating parties and movie nights and pizza days and kid oriented events just to try to glean the information I actually needed from the ombudsman before I sneaked out quietly. I finally had enough of it and created a Facebook group for childless/childfree spouses in my area and it flourished- what a breath of fresh air! A group where we could talk to people who shared similar priorities.
A few acquaintances of mine who do have kids took it as an attack on their lifestyle; that they were excluded because they had kids. Considering the 50 mom groups/playgroups out there for my 1 group, I wouldn't say they're excluded. I don't hate children. I have a beautiful niece and love getting to watch my friends' kids grow up. I'll go to birthday parties, I'll hand out candy for Halloween, I'll babysit when their parents need a night out, etc.
We like "us" and like that we can really enjoy each other, I can focus on finishing my degree and he can focus on getting as much schooling done while he is still active, and that I can also spend time volunteering, freelancing, and enjoying this beautiful city in which we live and we can really develop as people. (Not saying that people who have kids can't do that- not at all! It's just different.)
Thank you for posting this. We childless/childfree spouses ought to develop a secret handshake.
YES this! I to started a FB chilfree group for ft. Campbell and I am loving it. Its so great to talk to people who are in the same spot as me and my husband. We've met lots of great people so far. And I totally get what youre saying about not fitting in with either group the teens and olds. Were pushing 30 as well so alot of people make assumptions about kids for us. We've been very clear but youre right outright saying you don't want kids makes people pull back some as if were broken somehow.
I wish that website had been around when I was at Campbell!
Love the fact that you took the initiative to create something that met your needs and others who are in a similar situation. Hopefully more people will take your example and do something to change their experiences in a positive way. Groaning about what we don't have doesn't do anything to improve our situations and since we are ultimately responsible for our satisfaction with our lives it is up to us to make positive changes.
So, so, so true! Childless Facebook page, I love it!
I definitely agree that the secret handshake is a good idea! And you've totally brought up some great points. I can't stand the pitying looks I get when I tell people I don't have children. I've even been asked if I had reproductive problems…holy cow, can we say PERSONAL!!!! And when I tell them no, I've just chosen not to have any, they get an almost fearful look in they eyes as they slowly back away, turn and run!
I also have no problems with children, I also have an adorable neice they keeps me entertained, and that's enough for me.
I've always dreamed of being a career woman, got the degree, just waiting for the "final" posting to get the career going.
As far as the "family oriented" activities on post…bah, doesn't bother me, but it also doesn't make me jealous, especially after listening to hours of screaming and backtalking (what's with children these days?). Knowing that I'm going home to some peace and quiet makes it ok.
I'm proud of being a childless women!!
I totally understand i cant have kids due to cancer at a young age some of the other wives can say the most incensitive things i have even been asked did i like kids im in a place right now where i know no one and with him being overseas i been fighting depression its like if you dont have kids they dont invite you to things
Thanks so much for speaking out for "our side" of the military… it truly seems that EVERYTHING revolves around people with kids (especially military life). I've CHOSEN to never have children and that is my choice – my husband does have 2 kids from a previous marriage, but he loves our marriage and our ADULT time. We do have 4 "fur kids" though – kitties and one was rescued by my husband's Army unit.
The hardest thing for me right now is that my husband is on a year long deployment to Afghanistan (with NO mid-tour break)… most of the activities, notices, info, etc that come from the FRG (Family Readiness Group to those non-Army folks) all center around kids & people with kids. Exactly as you described, when I do choose to show up & participate, I end up standing there by myself, like a bump on a log because I don't have kids and can't really relate to their "mommy worlds". So, even though I've seen some postings lately about upcoming events, I don't have this big burning desire to go… because I really don't fit in and my patience with screaming, sticky children is very short…
I wish sometimes people would acknowledge HOW VERY LONELY it can be for a deployed spouse living alone with no kids… everyone is concerned about the ones with kids, but nobody cares that my disposal stopped working, or that I have no way to board up my windows myself for the hurricane warning… everyone views me as this strong, independent career woman and I guess they assume that I'm just fine – well, I'm NOT fine… I'm depressed, lonely and sad without my husband, the love of my life.
I've been there, Kendra. My husband left for his 5th deployment last week and for the second and third I was out here pretty much alone and didn't know anyone except the people I worked with, and they all had families of their own to worry about. I would try and make friends, but a lot of moms wanted to hang out with other moms who had kids close to their kids' ages. Understandable, but very lonely when you're sitting at a FRG meeting playing on your cell phone while the kids all make Christmas cards for mommy/daddy overseas and the moms (they're usually moms; dads are usually way more friendly) sit in their circles and talk about their kids.
Hang in there. Been there, done that, got the ugly t-shirt and cheap pizza to go with it. Big hugs.
Just wanted to mention that community colleges often offer adult enrichment courses during daytime and evening hours. The types of courses usually include art, photography, cooking, etc. I have taken courses for as little as $60 for 2 months of classes. It's a great way to meet others with similar interests and it gets you out of the house. Also, not all mothers want to spend all their time talking about their kids. They do have other interests and will usually jump at the chance to have adult conversations about things they enjoy. Try talking to some of them, you may be surprised at how much you do have in common with them.
This is very true; I'm at a community college working towards a certification and have met some awesome people in my field.
Thanks ladies for your support & advice. Unfortunately, I have a super demanding full-time job that keeps me very busy – I've been hoping to take advantage of some of the education bennies while he's away on deployment, but not sure my schedule will allow it. Although I have friends in this area and my husband's family lives about 45 min away & my parents live about 30 min away… what frustrates me is that nobody even bothered to call or email me to see if I needed any help with the recent hurricane warnings (thankfully, it missed our area). My parents are elderly & my father has Dementia, so they are no help to me (actually, I have to help support them a lot).
In addition, my husband was gone for 3 months BEFORE the deployment for training… in all this time, there have been a couple people who half-heartedly say "call if you need anything" – but, otherwise, I'm pretty much the "lone ranger". There are a couple spouses from his unit that we vent to each other by email, but we're spread out geographically… so, when there IS a family / FRG event planned and it is "kid focused", I have a hard time getting excited about driving 40 minutes to go hang out with a bunch of mommies & their kids who I have nothing in common with….
I just appreciate this article and someone actually recognizing that some of us ARE kid-free… and that we have needs as well… and that we deserve encouragement and help just as much as those with kids….
I've been struggling with infertility for five years, so you definitely have my empathy. Stay strong!
I feel the opposite, all of my friends who have kids have moved. I don't mind hanging out with all of my couple friends, but I feel bad when my 7 month old is flinging fruit arcoss the table at PF Changs. Thankfully most of them see him as their honorary child. :0)
Feeling the eyes of military moms starring at you and your childless spouse gets old. No, we do not have any children. No, I do not have a ‘medical issue’. That is our choice. But it does not mean our lives are any easier. We both work and are in school. It would be selfish to have a child at this point in our lives. We want to enjoy each other’s company and travel before a world of carrying dipper bags and stopping for naps. I am in the education field and I absolutely love children and plan to have some ONE DAY. This post made me smile. It feels good to know we are not the only married couple who feels like they are creepers if the attend the back to school base picnic. We want to meet more people in the community but when you do not have any children it makes it hard.
I don't have kids either and if I am going to be completely honest, I can't fathom having kids around me all the time. Most of my friends have kids and I enjoy being around them for short period of time then coming home, enjoying a glass of wine and thanking the birth control gods that I don't have any of my own. Unit "family" functions are an exercise in patience and tolerance and days that I know that I will come home with a splitting headache. Unless it is something that I absolutely feel like I should participate in and support, I stopped going to most things. A FRG meeting where I sit around and listen to people talk about baby bundles, back to school picnics and Christmas parties is my definition of the 8th circle of hell. Do I sound a bit bitter, yes. Unfortunately 15 years of people with kids assuming that I have all the free time in the world or assuming that my husband would LOVE to be Santa because we don't have kids has made me so.
Where is everyone stationed? Here on Kadena its harder because there are so many cool things to do, but are adult only so you go by yourself.
Wow, this was a terrific article! I feel like I can totally relate to the author. Not only am I new to the military, but I am just getting acclimated to the influx of child/family centered events. Not that it's a "bad" thing, just that my way of relating to other spouses is limited due to the fact that I don't have kids.I can't even remember how many times I've been asked if I had kids only to include remark about my age (29) and being childless! Thank you so much for writing this, it was well written and fun!
It's so comforting to know I'm not the only military spouse who has felt this way! I always felt like I didn't belong anywhere. We have no children together, and during multiple deployments, the FRG events were always for wives and children. I remember one specific event (we were making welcome home banners) where a group of the wives commented that I was never invited to other outings because I didn't have kids.
But somehow, I managed to survive even the darkest days. I've no doubt come out stronger knowing that I can handle whatever life throws at me without depending on anyone else. It was hard moving across the world for my husband to deploy almost immediately. I wish I had the sisterhood of childless wives to lean on, but I hope you can take comfort knowing you're not alone.
I love this post…Even though my DH and I have only been married for 2.5 years, we plan on being childfree for at least 4 more years if we can have kids at all due to fertility issues. In my neighborhood, we are the only couple that don't have kids. My neighbors are very sweet and some of them support me/keep me company when my DH is deployed, but there is a silent bond that mothers have that I will share with them until I have a child of my own. I get this fact and respect it, but…what drives me absolutely crazy is that some mothers (not all) cannot hold a conversation about anything other than their children or being a mom. I know they occupy all your time and thoughts, but I'm sure they had or still have other interest that they can talk about? I have been to several gatherings and the first thing they ask me is "do you have any kids?" After I say, "no, I don't" they look puzzled and that is the extent of the conversation. That is why I feel left out and get frustrated. Even if I try to change the subject, somehow it always ends up turing into a conversation about kids!! This is why I avoid a lot of base type functions or leave early or I hang out with my husband and his guy friends because even though they have kids, they can talk about other things.
I was so relieved to read this! I honestly thought I was the only person in the military that felt this way! My husband and I have been married for 7 years, we have an amazing 110lb dog that is our baby and we are child free too. We have never ruled out having children but we also decided that we would not push for something if nature doesn’t intend it to happen for us. If we fall pregnant then that’s fine but if we don’t, then that is also very fine and we won’t freak out about it as we have a wonderful marriage and are very happy with all of the things that you too enjoy! I love that we can get drunk over dinner together and sleep late whenever we want! I have felt tremendous pressure from those around me in the military circles about not having children. It feels bad enough that I don’t fit in so well as I’m British, but when I’m asked about children and I say I don’t have any, I get some incredibly rude responses! One woman was horrified that at 38 years of age, I didn’t already have a couple of children! (I am a very youthful 38 and I accredit that to the fact that I don’t have children!!) People can be so rude! It is hard enough to hang on to my own sense of identity and purpose in this military world, without others devaluing me just because I have not had children! Thanks for giving me something to identify with at last!
Had concerns like this at one point in my life…A kind doctor explained that I could have children. I just could not get pregnant. Think about it.
My husband and I don't have kids because of inferility issues. I still go to most of the family readiness events because I want to participate. Within my husbands unit no one says anything that makes me uncomfortable but in other venues I do get a lot of questions about whether or not I have kids and then some people don't want to talk to me when they hear that I don't have any kids. I don't feel like there need to be more activities for people without kids. I do wish that there was less judgement of people who don't have kids.
I too am a military wife w/o children. For my husband and I, we are chidless by choice and enjoy our lives, moves, careers and freedom.. I often have felt "bored to tears" when I have attended events with other female military spouses talking about children and NOTHING ELSE. Fortunatley, we have never lived on a base and I now I feel more grateful than ever after reading this article. Many times, I have had to loudly and proudly state that a woman has choices and does not have to have children tr make a difference in this world. I have heard all of the comments over time and often I have had to bite my tongue, but one thought continuallly goes through my mind and that is that when I watch the news I know for certain that there are MANY people who should not have had children. Unfortunately with societal pressure they succomb to having them and not caring for them or worse. Wake up women we can do more than reproduce.
Love this article! Also, love the "You've Got Mail" quote :)
I would suggest going up and talking to these women with children. Surprisingly, most of them DO want to talk about things other than their kids and do things without them whenever possible. I know all the women I made friends with at FRGs who had kids were thankful that I did not and repeatedly told me so! They didn't have to worry about if our kids would getting along. We could hang out in the evening when the kids went to sleep and talk about adult stuff, watch movies that weren't children's movies, and order in carry out from a restaurant nearby while our husband's were gone. You might be surprised by how much they appreciate friends who don't have kids.
At least this has been my experience and I am a younger spouse with no children
I suppose I don't understand the conundrum here. Is there really that much pressure when you don't have kids?
If you don't have kids and don't want kids and someone asks you if you do have them just tell them no and that you don't want to have kids. Some may be put off by that but just be straight forward answer the question that is asked. Anything outside of that is none of their business.
I have two kids because I wanted them. If I didn't have or want kids and someone asked me why I didn't I would have no problem telling people exactly that. Of course I am pretty blunt and don't mince words. I would just let the couple get in the car and spend the ride home being "appalled" that I didn't have/want kids. I personally wouldn't care what anyone thought and I wouldn't feel the least bit of pressure because of it.
If you choose not to have kids don't let anyone make you feel pressured because of it. Both of my kids, one is 18 an the other 14, asked me if I wanted them to get married and have kids when they got older. I honestly told them that I didn't care one way or the other as I have no burning desire to be a grandma. I let them know that if they didn't want to take care of kids and sit up with them when they were sick and find a babysitter to go out and put them through school and do everything it takes to be a parent then do not have kids because the kids will be theirs to raise, not mine. I will never pressure them to have children because that is a decision they have to make.
There are a lot of people who choose to live their lives for them and their partner. It is perfectly acceptable not to bring children into it.
Good post! Not having kids in the military is an anomoly. We don't have kids and you'd think we have cloven hooves and pointy tails. Not only that, I * gasp!* work FULL TIME! That also seems to be a bad thing to many SAHMs and SAHWs in the military. The funny thing is when we live in really hip neighborhoods, get a new car, or go to Europe, people seem puzzled and ask how we can afford all of that and how nice that must be (dripping with smarm).
Well, it's possible because WE DON'T HAVE KIDS. So, you are happy with kids and peanut butter smears all over your furniture. And we are happy jetting off to Tuscany sans rug rats for three weeks. Live and let live, be happy with your own life, stop juding mine, and please don't expect us to jump in the bouncy house. ;)
Just knowing you’re out there is enough.
(Ten points and eternal love to the person who gets that reference.)
Perks of Being a Wallflower. Great book! Worried about the movie though.
I cannot have kids. Before my dh joined the army we tried, no luck, went to a specialist and were told that I will never get to have kids. (reason would probably be TMI) That was almost three years ago. When we told his family was also the point when his sister announced she was pregnant. (drama ensued) Lots of platitudes offered our way (just adopt) which made us angry enough to spit nails. And nearly three years later we have come to terms with our lot in life and want to adopt (omg why does it cost do much?!) and are trying to figure out how to do it.
But being child free as a military wife with our circumstances has been harder than being a child free civilian wife. I can’t just avoid all events where children might be present when I’m having an emotionally rough day. My dh wants me at organizational days to meet the new people and whatever else…. Children everywhere. Those are the days when I put on my big girl panties and “suck it up buttercup!” (that’s what dh tells me when it’s time to pcs) And I have a list of reasons why I’m “happy” I can’t have kids. (I would totally have kids if I could and thank god for all of it, but it helps me embrace the suck)
No stretch marks
No morning sickness
No Obgyn appointment every other week
No saggy “girls” for me
No 3 am crying to eat
No diaper changing
We can do stuff sans ten tons of baby gear
If you’re in my boat, or one like it, feel free to use my list when you need to “bail water.”
And if not and you are offended by it or anything else in my post, keep your negative comments to yourself until you’ve had to sit in my boat for at least three years, weathering all the storms it’s had to offer!
Good luck to all you ladies trying to have kids! I wish you the best.
I did not read all of the replies, but what I read makes me want to reply. My husband and I got married when I was 18 and he was 20, and had our first child when I was 19. I agree there are quite a few children related activities. If you are a married couple with no kids and your squadron puts on an event for children, there is no reason why you cannot attend: 1. With friends who have children 2. Volunteer to help at the function. 3. Go with yor husband and meet other spouses.
We had single friends who attended childrens activities with us, because they had friends who were attending. If people think you do not belong there because you have no children, they are the ones who don;t deserve to be there. The people in this world are "something else". My kids had birthday parties, I invited single friends with no children, they even attended. My grand-daughter who turned 2 in May had single males and females with no children at her party.
I could go on and on and it might not help, but I just wish people would stop being ignorant and start REALLY caring about one another again.
I don't go because I can't stand kids so sorry, if you invite me, I'm not coming. Oh well if I "don't deserve to be there". I'd rather not.
My husband and I are a childless couple for now, and are also trying for our first baby. We definitely felt pressure from some people right away, "So when you having kids?" Well definitely not at my first duty station that's for sure, I needed more time to adjust to my life with my husband and just enjoy these first few years focusing on us as a couple. We feel way more ready emotionally and financially. But on the flip side, a lot of others were supportive. "It's a good thing you're waiting until you're ready, I was definitely not ready when I had mine" and "You both are still young, and have plenty of baby making years to fill up, so enjoy the honeymoon tour." :)
I can totally sympathize with feeling awkward at family functions sometimes, but I love kids so much I just ask to borrow other peoples kids so we can go jump in the bouncy house, I usually get a laugh and a blessing so the parents can eat a meal in peace! I'm military, so work hard play hard. It works for me!
My husband who is active duty abnd I are also childless and to tell you the truth I wouldnt change it for the world.I have more time to dote on him and myself. We do have two min pins and they alone are a handful,but also my buckets of love.
Raleigh, You have nailed it! Being at all those events… even being a part of the family volunteers to plan the events, I have a hard time convincing people that there IS another type of family out there in the command – the childless couples. We are still a family – we have our furry baby and each other. And we shouldn't feel like social inepts because we don't have children. We often are not invited to most of the events because, let's be honest, what are we going to do for a Haunted Hanger event or an Easter Egg Hunt? My ideas are often thrown out but rarely listened to because it's about catering to the single Marines or the kids… and I don't fit under either category.
And I think this past deployment was the worst – I wanted to scream every time I had another spouse ask me how many kids I had, and then tell me how "lucky" I was because I didn't have to worry about being a mother. At least with kids home, I would still feel someone revolving around my universe instead of 100% of it gone with the deployment. I would still be able to hold my kids, tuck them in every night, and share my joys and sadness with them. I would have someone else to focus on. With only the two of us, when my husband leaves, all of my goodnight kisses and games and conversations around the dinner table go with him.
So thank you, and you are not alone. We have a voice and we matter too. =)
Thanks Raleigh!! It was wonderful meeting you today @ Mira Mar :) All of you ladies did a fantastic job!! I love this article, very fitting.
Some women, like myself, can’t have children. We would be over the moon if we did but it’s just not possible for us. The base we live on has a lot of toddlers and 8-10 year olds. My husband and I were never invited to any parties until my stepson came to live with us permanently. I have been on both ends and see the complete 180 some people have.