Writing is not easy. If you had told me that a few years ago, or even a few months ago really, I probably would have laughed it off. How hard can it be to write? You take your thoughts and put them on paper, or more likely, a computer screen. Little did I know, that is only the beginning. Since becoming a writer for SpouseBuzz a whole new difficult aspect emerged for me as a writer; the comments.
Everyone is entitled to their opinions, I knew that. I expected certain things I would write others may not agree with. Is it naive that I expected debate level responses? “Your opinion is interesting, but I have to say I feel differently. I think…”
Maybe it was naive of me. I thought military spouses, of all people, would want to support one another regardless of differences. I know plenty of spouses who stop going to their unit’s Facebook page, or other support sites, because some of the things other spouses say continually upset them. I was surprised that some comments I have seen, even on this site, are actually quite cruel.
Take Erin’s article from a few months ago as an example. Yes, people are passionate about their pets. I as a dog owner understand that. Now, I don’t want to bring up past arguments, but I know certain comments had to be removed due to some rather nasty name calling and insulting. You don’t have to agree with a writer, but to insult them is rather harsh. Even one of my first articles had me be called out for some misinformation. In my excitement I just wanted to share my experience, but some commenters (even after I fixed the initial mistake) continued to rip apart my article with a fine tooth comb and completely take away the point of having it published in the first place. From their safe, anonymous comment boxes they even questioned my validity as a SpouseBuzz contributor and said I should be removed. Now, I know a thick skin is important, and I am working on it, but I was pretty hurt by the things that were said and it definitely lowered my self-confidence a few notches.
It happens all over the internet, from Huffington Post articles to personal blogs. Some people sit down at a keyboard (or at their smart phone) and suddenly all politeness can go out the window. Even on this Duffel Blog article, a satirical site that is just for laughs, many military spouses waved some very ugly flags in the comments.
Here are five simple rules I think everyone should keep in mind when commenting anywhere.
1. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Whether it is the writer of the article or another commenter, how would you feel if someone responded to you in the manner you are about to respond? How would you want someone who disagrees with you to tell you that? Generating articles on a regular basis is no easy task, and when writing you definitely put a bit of yourself out to the world for scrutiny. Having someone call you names, curse at you, or just be cruel can be a hit to anyone, even some of the most seasoned writers.
2. If you wouldn’t say it to someone’s face, don’t type it. Do I honestly think someone would meet a commenter here and they would say, “Who the heck decided to let you write for SpouseBuzz??” Well, maybe some people out there would, but that seems extremely rude and unnecessary to me. When people sit behind a computer or a smart phone it is very easy to lose your sense of humanity and compassion. It is very easy to forget the writer/other commenter is another person with feelings. That may make it easier to just rant and rave your opinions or insults back in a way that you may never normally vocalize. Unlike when you speak, when typing you do have the luxury to go back and edit and change your mind, but it seems to me a lot of people don’t bother. Read it out loud, imagine saying that to someone’s face … would you still send it?
3. Feel free to disagree, but present your opinion in a way that makes people want to read it. I am not going for all rainbows and butterflies here. We, more than anyone, know the importance of freedom of speech and the rights to our own opinions. But when you comment with tons of CAPITAL LETTERS and exclanation marks !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I tend to want to keep scrolling. You may have a valid point that could sway my opinion, but presenting it in such a negative way makes me not want to bother reading it. Be courteous and present your point, there is no need to YELL at someone or personally insult them.
4. Think of who could read your comment before you say what you want to say. With so many sites allowing you to link your Facebook to comments, make sure you realize how many people are accessing your information before you go off on a rant. Do you really want your boss/sibling/parent/potential employer/coworker/whoever seeing you say what you are about to say? On the Duffel Blog article linked above many commenters replied with something similar to, ”I am a proud milspouse and I will NEVER salute or show that kind of respect to another spouse.” Pepper that sentence with a word that rhymes with a witch and a few other choice words and it may be more accurate. Is that really how you want to present yourself (and perhaps to a civilian a perspective on military spouses in general) to the world?
5. If you can’t say something nice … Do I need to finish? Yes, it is a cliche, but it has lasted this long for a reason.
Like I said, call me naive, but I never thought this would be such an issue that I would feel compelled to write about it. Here on SpouseBuzz we are here to support and help one another. Not name call, not belittle and not insult. Let us give each other the support we all deserve and treat each other civilly and with respect. Feel free to disagree, I am not asking you to be a lemming by any means, but do it with class.
About Allie Lovette
Comments
I find it extremely insulting when I am called names or threatened by someone who doesn't agree with what I have said. If you don't agree, say why and leave it at that. I do not call individuals names nor do I threaten anyone. I do know that we all differ in our perceptions and opinions and we all have that right. I feel it is a good practice to direct my comments towards what someone has said instead of bashing the person's character. I may not always toe the line on that but I do feel that I accomplish this 99% of the time. Sometimes an issue generates strong emotions and my passive aggressive side will leap out and I realize, after the fact, that I could have made my point differently.
If you're looking for a higher standard of discourse in the comments, the site might have to provide a higher standard of content to spark that discourse. When I look back at the last several posts there are one or two that are actually thought-provoking and useful, but they're buried in fluff. Online yard sales save my sanity. Vote for SpouseBuzz. This post, actually.
There's nothing wrong with fluff in and of itself. It's occasionally entertaining, and we could all use some entertainment now and again. But it's a cumulative effect–the day-to-day chatter is largely shallow, so on average you're not provoking thoughtful comments from people who want to engage at a more thoughtful level of conversation. That might not be a SpouseBuzz priority, and if not, that's fine. But it bears mentioning.
Understandable. I hope Jacey doesn't mind me saying that we do want to have some light hearted articles to give people a laugh as well as emotional and resourceful articles. There are only so many times you can cover the same topics in military forums, but I do understand your point. But some of those articles, ones that are real stories or more meaningful, get completely ignored… at least on a commenting level.
I wrote an article not too long ago about a boy who died of cancer who was made an honorary Marine in his final hours. A retired Marine stood honor guard in his dress blues at the door of his hospital all night the night he passed away…. no response. It was something I found so moving and yet it was a bit disheartening that it seemed almost overlooked.
I understand your point, but I guess it just works both ways. It doesn't have to be intelligent conversation all the time, but the name calling and the nastiness shouldn't be around as much as it seems to be.
Allie, I did read that article, just wasn't really sure what to say. I guess it was an obviously heartwarming article and I didn't want to just say, Wow, that was really good. I guess that kinda makes me a butthead and I am sorry for that!
Not at all! I know certain articles people read but don’t say anything, I just wanted to show it works both ways.
Allie, I am trying to send a message to all of you and every time I click on the "contact us" link I am not getting any info on where to send the email. Can you help me? Let me know what the email address is?
Sarah you can email Jacey directly at *******@**.***
Hope that helps!
This is a great point Allie–we tend to respond and comment about some stuff, but then completely ignore others. It makes me wonder what makes us respond to some things and not others. I saw an article (I don't know if it was yours or another reporters….it was making the rounds on facebook) where people were commenting about how making him an honorary marine was not fair or something of that nature. I actually didn't even go further after seeing some comments because it was so disheartening. I think its so difficult because people can find negativity in everything that is out there.
Another one was making the rounds on Facebook recently that people were commenting on–a young boy dressed in a marines uniform (again, just the one I saw…sure there were many articles on that), wearing his fathers medals and saluting his grave. Again, comments stating it was not fair for him to wear the medals, he did not earn them, etc. He was six I believe. At his fathers funeral. What I wish I could have said, and likely would not say in part due to the fear of the crazy commenting, is the following:
This picture exemplifies all the things that make me scared to have kids with my Marine husband. We are at the point of thinking about having our first child as we are approaching our thirties. A major factor going into this is fear of losing my husband to combat and having to leave my future children without a father. Its something I struggle with, think about, wonder about–how would I handle it? What would be the outcome? Seeing pictures like that breaks my heart and really sums up for me the worry that comes with being a marine corps spouse. How do others feels about this?
However, I feel the the likelihood is high that I would receive at least some comments in the variety of: this is what you signed up for, put on your big girl pants, suck it up–comparisons, one-upping, etc. I wish this wasn't true and I know that this does NOT AT ALL reflect the majority of military spouses–but its out there for sure! We have got to STOP this and be supportive of one another. We military spouses discuss often and at length how it is difficult for civilian family and friends to understand what we are going through (exact conversation with my mother when I tried to explain the above fear: "this is what you signed up for"). If we cannot get that from the civilians in our lives and also cannot get the support (or respectful debate and discussion) from our military spouse community, we are doing a disservice to ourselves and everyone else. Because no one else knows what we are going through except each other! :)
My issue with a lot of the writers on this site is that as soon as someone posts an arguement or says something that doesn't agree with what they wrote, the writer is immediately commenting back and defending themselves, which doesn't exactly make other people want to comment, intelligently or otherwise. I also completely agree with June, above. The only articles that get a lot of comments are written on "passionate" subjects, and they are not always thought provoking or intelligent articles. They are opinion, asking for others opinions. That is what you will get. I graduated college with honors, work full time and will be the most respectful person you meet, until you say something bad about my dog (I commented on the article Allie is referring to a LOT). That is just the way it is. If you open up a forum for people to comment on My Little Pony patches (super intellectual topic) you have to expect to get the commenting you did. Could everyone be nicer, yes. Do I enjoy people being passionate? Yes. Most of the time the comments are the most entertaining part of this site!
I see what people are saying, but I think we are losing the point of the article. The article is to point out (at least this is what I got from it) that the comments are getting ridiculous at times and we should not be losing all niceness just because we are at a keyboard. My very first time stumbling onto this site, it was the middle of the night and my husband was gone for the first time. I started reading….felt great. Then I started reading the comments….felt terrible. Commented pretty much as such (how we needed to be supportive, not mean, etc) but that was the first impression. I also would love to see more support, more commenting that even if you disagree, you don't sound like a total witch.
I get what you're saying. It's my opinion that the ideas are related, though. I've been involved with other websites that have cultivated strong and comfortably vocal sets of commenters, and because they have, it's rare that anyone tries to be too obnoxious or vile. (Though, real talk: It's the internet. Some people are going to be vile just because they can.)
There are ways to keep discussions of even the most hot-button topics civil and constructive. It takes effort on all sides, though–writers who get discussions started off in level-headed, productive ways; readers who are interested in responding in kind; and moderation that keeps the discussion open and positive and encourages people to speak up for better, and not for worse.
I'll agree that some of the comments have wandered into the realm of the bizarrely rabid. Presumably, we're all grown adults who know how to behave ourselves. Are there policies in place that ban name-callers and repeat offenders?
I love that–"bizarrely rabid"!!!!! Amazing :)
I also agree, Tara. However, when it's an open forum you can't always stop it. And June, other site such as the nest monitor users postings and you can ban them, but I am not sure about this one since you dont have to "log in" to comment.
Polite, practical, and plain-spoken advice. Nicely communicated–I've taken the liberty of sharing with others via Facebook.
For the good of the cause, however, one correction: The Duffel Blog is incorrectly spelled as "Duffle" in your post. It's correctly spelled like Duffel, Belgium.
Thanks for your post!
Thank you for pointing that out, I fixed it!
Oh boy, that post about why not to get a pet irk'd me. I made some 'heated' comments to a contributor here because what she said was absurd(pets are too much work etc..).
Some things are down right insults, then there is those times when you are mad, and you read something the wrong way. It does happen! I know I've done it a number of times, then took a break, calmed down, and came back and re-read what was posted.
I think you need to take it with a grain of salt. Some people are out to make you mad, some are putting too much emotion in to it, and some are being taken the wrong way. We are all adults, and should act as such, but that is not a given here because it is the internet. Some people don't realize that there is another person reading it, so they can't really establish some sort of empathy with that person. It sucks, but that's how it goes.
;/
Allie,
I don't think you are being naive at all. A bit idealistic, perhaps, but if more people were a little more idealistic (and more polite), I have no doubt that, while the world still wouldn't be perfect, it would be a much better place.
I have posted many comments on many web pages online, and have read many rude and insensitive responses, to my posts and to those other people have written. Everyone has opinions, and many of them conflict, but there are people out there these (troubling) days who feel that anyone who disagrees with their views are less than intelligent, and that anyone having a differing opinion should be belittled and berated. Some of the responses I've seen posted online certainly wouldn't be said to anyone's face, because to do so would undoubtedly start a major fight, and someone would certainly get more than just their feelings hurt!
The advice you give in this article is all very good, and I hope that many people read your article and take your advice. I always try to do what you suggest in your article, but, unfortunately, have not always (or even all that often, at times) had the same courtesy returned to me. Maybe, given some time, more people will take your advice, and the world – both online and real – will be a better place.
………."From their safe, anonymous comment boxes they even questioned my validity as a SpouseBuzz contributor and said I should be removed."
You hit the nail on the head. Anonymity encourages some people to say awful, hurtful things — things they would never say to someone's face. I once made a humorous (at least I and many others thought it was!) comment regarding a humorous article, and another woman verbally attacked me, called me names and told me that she and all her friends hated people like me. Wow! Other people came to my defense, and she attacked them too. From her screen name I realized that we couldn't live more than and hour or so away from one another. I wanted so badly to say, "I see we're practically neighbors. Let's meet up for coffee sometime: after that you can decide if you hate me."