I’m a firm believer that high school is a microcosm of life. Every social situation you will encounter in your adult life is presented to you in high school with an extra dose or hormones and drama just to make it that much more fun.
And so it does not surprise me that bullying is a problem in my adult military spouse life, just as it was in civilian high school and just as it can be at any work job or in any social setting everywhere.
Instead of being shoved into lockers or openly mocked and degraded, adult bullying is a little more subtle, a little more backhanded and a little bit easier to just dismiss as “personality clashes,” “differences in opinion,” or “she’s just hormonal.” Because hormones are an excuse for everything.
I find that the military spouse community dishes up adult bullying with a unique and potent intensity that you are unlikely to encounter elsewhere in the adult world thanks to our unique circumstances and stresses. Sure, mean girls (and guys!) are everywhere but our lifestyle forces us to sort through a cross section of people groups, types and cultures that we would be unlikely to encounter in any civilian setting and that can be far outside our comfort zones. That can bring to head a lot of personal insecurities. Add the stress of deployment, reintegration, injury and death to that and you’ve got a big bully pot ready to boil over.
Think you’ve never encountered a MilSpouse bully? You may be surprised:
“If you don’t participate in the FRG you’re a bad wife.”
“I heard that [soandso’s] wife told her husband and her husband told your husband’s boss that you can’t handle your kids.”
“Hi. I’m with social services. We’re here to investigate a tip that you aren’t caring correctly for your kids.”
“[Soandso] told [soandso] that I am a danger to myself and the hospital required me to stay for a week for a mental health evaluation. They lied.”
“Why are you using the death of [soandso’s] husband to get you what you want?”
These are all real life examples of things that have been said to either people I know or, in one case, to me. I consider these all bully statement or the results of a bully’s actions.
We know from discussions surrounding our kids (and perhaps our own memories of being bullied in school) that such behavior is a form of power play. Child bullies are often riddled with personal insecurities and put others down as a way of building themselves up and making themselves feel better.
This is also true of adult bullies. But where we expect and even actively wait for kids and teens to act out, adult bullies can take us by surprise. Encountering someone who is genuinely backhanded and mean, especially in a community where there is strength in numbers and we hope everyone is on our side, can be downright shocking.
According to this site, the goal of an adult bully is “to gain power over another person, and make himself or herself the dominant adult. They try to humiliate victims, and show them who is boss.”
When we teach our kids how to deal with bullies with tell them to walk away and, especially when the behavior turns vicious and violent, report it to an adult.
But how do you deal with a bully when you are both adults? Here are a few tips from this site that I adapted to the MilSpouse life.
Don’t lower yourself to their level. Bullying, especially among females, is an exercise in cattiness. And it is oh, so tempting to respond either in kind or to just simply enter the argument to defend yourself. But keep one thing in mind: lowering yourself to their level isn’t going to make things better. In fact, it will probably make things worse.
Distance yourself from the bully. Is this behavior happening on Facebook? Unfriend the person! At the FRG meeting? Sit on the other side of the room, smile politely if approach and, as hard as it is, just walk away.
Ask a friend for her opinion. Think maybe you’re just overacting? Seek the advice and help from second or third opinions.
Speak on an emotional level. One specific time that I was bullied by a fellow military spouse, I was advised by my mentor to simply call the person, inform them that they really hurt me and ask them why they would intentionally cause me so much emotional pain? I was super skeptical. But guess what? It worked. The person backed down and the behavior all but disappeared.
Go to a higher power. I suggest this with great hesitance because I think this is rarely an appropriate option. However, if the bullying has reached a truly destructive level it may be appropriate to first bring your husband into the loop and then approach the chain of command. I don’t mean trotting straight to the CO of your unit. In the Army I would suggest starting at the Squad Leader level, for example. Again, think carefully before you go this way. Is dragging other people into this really necessary?
As someone who has been bullied her entire life, starting in kindergarten, I feel for anyone reading this post in search of a bully solution. These tips have worked for me as an adult – although I have never had to go as far as the chain of command.
Do you have any suggestions for MilSpouses dealing with bullies?
About Amy Bushatz
Comments
I too was bullied in high school by one of my own friends. It was hard, but I cut ties with her, which meant that I had to stay away from my other friends since they hung out with her too. Our friendships have never been the same, sadly, but it was worth leaving that situation because it saved my sanity.
Most bullying has to do with bad communication. That's why I like the "speak on the emotional level" because the person who's hurting you may not even be aware that he/she is doing so. Speak up (AFTER you have cooled down) in a manner that is kind. NEVER approach the person in anger because that will just anger the other person which will accomplish NOTHING but more anger!
Having just been in a public bullying situation with my mother-in-law of all people, I actually successfully addressed it by dealing with it on an UNemotional level. After a few days to cool off, I addressed her in private, laid out the facts of what transpired without enhancement, opinion, or emotion, and waited for her reply. First came denials and excuses, but I stayed firm with the unemotional facts of what occurred, then asked if she wished to apoligize. Amazingly enough it worked, which is a good thing, since I will be dealing with her for years to come.
I have dealt with a few in the military spouses community. My favorite was when the biggest bully I have ever met in high school or otherwise told me I was a bad wife for working while my husband was deployed because I wouldn't always be readily available if he needed me or had time to talk. Um what? So I am supposed to sit around the house all day waiting for phone calls and emails that MIGHT happen? Sorry, I am going to work to fill my time and I do not have to justify that to anyone. It's really sad that adult women who should support each other act this way.
Dude I totally agree. I havent been the victim of any adult bullies but I see it all around here at Campbell. This mean girl behavior has got to stop. I'm pretty removed living off post but with FB and the like the bullying and rumors are non-stop.
I don't have facebook anymore either because of it…Someone at this post actually started "researching" us before we got here. Which was way creepy when people knew things about me I never had told them. No facebook, no FRG, no unit functions for this girl!
I think part of the issue is that at times, it seems like we are recreating high school on these bases. We have a ton of people (many of them young) put in a situation where they don't have support, no family, completely new experience. Its set up to have way more stay-at-home moms and wives than compared to civilian population; so of course some people are taking that opportunity to relive their high school bullying glory days! They're bored!
One thing I would add to this is to just simply not engage. This also sounds bad, but I have learned to be less trustworthy. As a fellow military spouse, you now have to completely earn my trust before I will confide it you. My first duty station was Hawaii, where I was not involved at all because of the drama surrounding the wives. They accused me of not being supportive of my husband because I worked so much and had my own group of friends (even though I had met my husband there and already had my job and friends in place before we even got together!) after meeting me once, they felt threatened that I was so much more involved in my marriage and our decisions. An incident when I was asking my husbands co-worker some questions about a possible job change they were both going for, I think what I asked was what are the main duty stations that that job was at, and if it is a more deployed positions. He stated yelling at me in front of my husbands work about how I am going to fail as a military spouse because I am not supportive, and my job was to support my husband without asking any questions! As I think I was just standing there completely in shock, he called over a SSGT who had started observing the interaction. He told him "back me up" or something like that. Luckily, I got to then listen to this higher up rip him a new one! But I think it also brings to mind something that maybe isn't discussed–husbands feeding the bullying. In this case, this marine didn't want me questioning their decisions because he wanted his wife to just submit like that without questioning his decisions! In Hawaii, I just completely disengaged. When we got here to CA, I wanted to be more involved and have made some great friends. But they were slow to be created. People have asked me if I am "slow to warm up" at events because I don't do the type of "instamacy" that we so often see in these types of situations, but really I just have become more cautious. Anyway, kind of a long response, but I would say that's been my experience! :)
I was in a Facebook group when my husband was deployed that had a couple of people who jumped down other's throats. I also hung out with a girl who, whenever anyone brought up anything positive about deployment (i.e. we've grown closer, our finances have been blessed, etc.) she would say that SHE missed her husband too much to be grateful for ____ (supposed closeness, financial blessings, etc.) I definitely agree with this post. You can't change people like that, just cut them out of your life. I heard the quote, "Don't try to win over the haters. You are not the JERK WHISPERER!" Definitely true :)
Sol glass someone FINALLY addressed this issue! I have been a military spouse for almost 8 years now and I’ve seen first hand and heard of this issue so many times. I honestly think that every base should make a mandatory class that spouses must attend when they first report. Its something most of us would look at and say oh that’s not me I’m not going but truthfully its almost everyone and they should be told yes you must attend or there will be consequences. Sorry but it has really gone that far. I’ve heard of women trying to kill themselves over mess like this. Totally uncalled for. Being a military spouse is one of the MOST stressful jobs ever! Why should we make it harder on our fellow spouses?! Think about what your saying and doing people…nobody deserves that mess. I personally have been bullied by other military spouses myself time and time again and its so hurtful especially when they try to act like your friend when they aren’t arouns everyone else! Grow up ladies/guys. Were adults….we have lives, we have kids, we have hard working spouses who put their lives on the line…this isn’t nessicary. Be nice.
Really, I think the best thing you can do is be careful with who you associate with. It's sad, but due to some bullying experiences I've seen friends go through I'm not fast to befriend other wives until they've earned a certain degree of trust. If this was the civilian world it wouldn't bother me if another woman had a problem with me for whatever reason, but within the military fishbowl a "personality clash" can escalate into something that affects my husband's career. And reputations spread on base; I've made sure to avoid certain women because other people I trust have warned me about them.
And this is why I avoid military wives like the walking dead. When I was an active duty sailor, I thought being a Navy wife meant being a home-bound, uneducated (or under-educated), money hungry, jobless, baby making machine. I didn’t want to believe the stereotype, and vowed to impress some change to the long standing pattern of living vicariously through a military husband’s successes. After my contract was up, I moved on base while my husband was deployed and it was then that I realized the stereotype holds some truth. Military wives are catty, uninteresting, cloistered, and clique-ish. I witnessed the daily waddle across the street in bootcamp issued sweat-shirts to neighboring homes, like clockwork. They sat, and gabbed, and sat, and spent, and sat, and held their lives to a special standard. It’s time to give up the ghost, ladies. Being a milspouse is not a badge of honor; it’s just like being married. Your husband’s career is not yours. Your husband’s rank is not yours. And just because you’re surrounded by women with similar circumstances, does not mean you have to join the party. The best way to avoid the “bullying” is to avoid the people. Take a college class, or a job off the base. Shop one town over, or live there. I was under-whelmed and unimpressed with the milspouse relationships because they were monotonous. So, I took up some new hobbies, and college classes, and since placing some distance between myself and the base, I’ve achieved happiness and independence. And, no bullies.
Please don't put us all in the same classification. How about "some military wives". I have been a military spouse for 23 years and I have lived around a variety of spouses and not all fulfill your stereotypes. I also haven't had too much drama because I have been selective about who I let close to me and I have to say that some of the military spouses I have become friends with are some of the best friends I have had throughout my life. cont.
I also have, very seldom, encountered what you all are calling "bullies". I have met spouses who are obvious about not liking how I do things or what I say, but I don't waste my time with those people. The only time I have actually been bullied was on a forum and the woman slammed everything I would post no matter how supportive I was to others. She called me names and basically told me as often as she could how pathetic I was. She obviously didn't like me and I finally told her that she needs to accept that we think differently and to leave me alone. cont.
Also, for those who disagree with me I just brush things off because it really doesn't matter, in the grand scheme of things, if they like what I say or not. It's their opinion. I think the definition of bullying in some of the responses to this article is extremely broad. I consider bullying when someone calls me names, threatens me or seeks me out to verbally attack me. A thick skin helps when putting your views out on a public forum, that in itself makes you open to opposing views. I would much rather have people state why they disagree and present their view without the personal attacks. You can get your point across without tearing apart a person's character.
Harsh. And not my experience with milsp. I’d say 90% are good people building a life with the one they love. A few are bullies–but I’ve been bullied more at work and in the neighborhood by nonmilitary spouses. Mean people can be found anywhere. That’s why nice people need to show up in droves.
I don't want to disagree completely because I am sure those spouses you speak of are out there. However, I was once AD myself and have been a milspouse for the last 6 plus years. All of my friends (also milspouses) have college educations of some level and only a few have a lot of children and they do because having a big family is what is important to them based on their family values and not for the money or lack of something better to do with their time. I, also, want to point out that the majority of them have jobs and good paying ones, too! One friend is in the banking world and not a teller either. So your stereotype is a little unwarranted that ALL of the milspouses living on base behave the way you described.
I live on base, don't have a "paying job" but I also only have two kids because anymore I might have to be committed. I don't wear my husband's rank or even give two shits about what he does on a daily basis. I have my own hobbies and spend time volunteering for my own validation because it is what I like to do and it has nothing to do with him. I don't bully other wives and other wives don't bully me mostly because I leave them alone to live their lives and don't take part in the rumor mills.
But, it is great that you have found your way to live a good life and have a life all your own. I know lots of spouses who can't say that.
"Military wives are catty, uninteresting, cloistered, and clique-ish."
Any woman that feels the need to put down a large category of other women in order to make herself look better is an automatic fail. It's a shame when teenage girls do it–hey boys, look how cool I am! Not like those OTHER girls–but it's embarrassing when it's a grown woman.
Hmmm a bully replying to a post about bullies. Irony!
Sarah, who are you talking to? All I saw in the original comment and the resulting responses were opinions. What are you seeing that I didn't?
Military wives are catty, uninteresting, cloistered, and clique-ish. I witnessed the daily waddle across the street in bootcamp issued sweat-shirts to neighboring homes, like clockwork. They sat, and gabbed, and sat, and spent, and sat, and held their lives to a special standard
Saying things like that and sitting in your own home judging people and in turn telling people that is the way spouses are is bullying. Definitely. Cyber bullying does exist.
That was an opinion, as offensive as it was, it was just an opinion and her adherence to stereotypes has prevented her from getting to know people for who they really are and she has most likely missed out on some great friendships. Sad, really. I don't consider stating an opinion, that may be offensive to others, as bullying. She didn't attack an individual, she stated generalizations about a group of people. Not everyone has "pleasant" opinions and this is why developing a thick skin is beneficial when interacting with other people.
I have to disagree. What she said was offensive, sure, and not particularly self-reflective (military spouses are awful and catty; I am a military spouse saying awful, catty things BUT I'M NOT LIKE THOSE OTHER ONES, OH NO). But I don't think it was bullying. She didn't level a personal attack at anyone in this commenting space, or verbally abuse anyone, or shout anyone down. Sometimes a gross opinion is just a gross opinion.
The military spouse bully is no different from the soccer mom bully is no different than the PTA bully is no different than the office bully. Some people are bullies, some aren't. I don't think the military spouse bully is a catagory all to itself. Everyone has the ability to choose to not participate or be around those people. I think a lot of bullying comes from jealousy. So, as you're waving goodbye to them in the rear view as you walk away from their toxicity, remember you are leaving them without the satisfaction of punishing you for your success in what they perceive they are lacking- whatever it may be. It makes it much easier to cut those ties and feel good about it. No one can treat you badly unless you first allow them the repeated opportunity to do so. Stay strong and positive! :)
I agree a lot of people in military is comp9lete opposite of what I thought wives are just not outgoing or as friendly as I thought some fight more the hs just because I stick to myself because in the little time here have ran into a lot of discouraging opionated ladies who have trouble treating everyone the same. Even friends back home said military life everyones supporting, yeah right that’s a joke. I try to take classes online when I can, exercise a lot but that’s it I don’t have friends here yet and feel odd, from seeing how ladies act on fb page makes me worried about trying to be friends with just anyone, but I still do wave to anyone and thankfulf or nice aquaintances I do have.
Actually, I do wear my husbands rank because without me he wouldn't have reached where he is. I could have continued my education and job but because he leaves suddenly I have to sacrifice myself for him and my kids. It was just too chaotic to find someone to watch the kids and household while he was gone and I still had a job. Civilian people judge both military members and their wives. They think military members don't have what it takes to live outside the military world and therefore had to join the military. I remember being looked at funny by my husbands co-workers because I didn't fit the 'stereotype' of being overweight milspouse but had to judge me for something. They'd either completely ignore me or come and talk to me as if they were talking to slow person. Yet I've meet some pretty interesting and influential people back home. I think judging people is the problem. I am guilty of that too. Sometimes i see sloppy milspouse or people in general and think -well…you know… but then I come to find out this person used to work as a professional before meeting her husband. Sometimes I percieve female sailors to be little on the easy side when it comes to men. So I guess there's some truth to stereotypes. I love meeting people and avoid bullies and annoying people. If I see people show no interest in knowing me or knowing the world or even their surroundings they bore me. If you have children and already have a degree find a hobby, If you must continue your education and have kids, it's difficult but if you're very organized and disciplined it's possible. If you just love being social do so but accept people as they are and don't judge. Mind your own business and who cares what someone else is doing. I bought a house in a civilian neighborhood and have meet lot nice civilians and nice military people. Oh and please recipricate! If someone does something nice for you don't just be a taker –show some appreciation….That's why people stop being thoughtful and nice to each other because there are so many takers.
How can he get where he was bc of you laying your life on hold I know how you feel because I do it too but I know my hubbys job is his not mine…..my hubby can barely tell me much about job so I can’t say yes you got here because of me my bro use to bea marine always tells me military life isn’t for families and I agree on someday but it is what it is. No matter what spouse does hubbys will always do their job,of course we pay bills and do some extra things a lot of other women do not it just makes us sronger. With my point being we do not and should not wear rank thoses people here are the most annyoing and rudest people ever. Our hubbys worked there butts off for where they are of course we put up with a lot but it was our choice too (especially if you wer e married before they joined like me) I know for one we help by watching kids not being able to do whatever we want but at the end of the day will that help them put on rank faster? Heck no they do that themselves.
I do agree in saying you do have no interest in people who have no interest in your life and they bore you. Or with surroundings, I seem to run into a lot of them, people who are not down to earth or adventurous,maybe I’m to much a kid at heart. And try to do new things daily and inspire others for after all this world is about helping others not self so to me its only natural to get to know others offer them help when needed give them gifts cookies or anything to make them feel welcomed. Even if others don’t welcome me in this military community I will make sure to welcome them say hi and respect them. When people are rude or ignore me, don’t wave back then Ill still keep on and ill still wave life is good : )
oops (reciprocate) is what I meant–my bad!
It's even more ostracizing when the bullying comes from your command ombudsmans who are both senior enlisted wives and enable it to the point of the entire FRG collapsing in on itself and wives running as far away from the support system that is meant to support them. There is no one to report them to, as if they find out it was you, your husband pays for it, no one to tell everyday issues to, no trust, and you bid your time just waiting for the next round of bullying to arise and for new orders to come so you can escape the nightmare. Hi, I'm an enlisted sailors wife and I am victim to adult command bullying.
Oh, SubWife, your story is so sad. I just can't even believe that happened. I am Command Ombudsman and would NEVER allow anything like that to happen. All the spouses in the command are the same to me. I treat them all the same no matter who their husband/wife is. If it is so bad and you feel like you can't turn to the command contact the Ombudsman Coordinator. Fleet and Family Support Center can you tell who that is. They have to follow the same confidentiality and that person should be able to speak with the command on your behalf without anyone knowing who made the complaint.
I'm so sorry you have had this experience. I have a dear friend who's husband is in the sub community and enlisted. She has filled me in on hard your life can be. I hope you have the faith that not all Ombudsman are like that.
I am the command ombudsman too. SubWife, I am so sorry this is/has happened in your FRG/command. Ombudsman training DIDN'T teach us to get involved with the FRG in the manners you described. There's actually a lot of training on treating people equal with a kind, caring, manner, active listening, confidentiality, helpful problem solving, professionalism and common courtesy. Tips From The Homefront said it all perfect and I couldn't agree more. I hope your current or next ombudsman are wonderful people. Wishing you all the best.
"our lifestyle forces us to sort through a cross section of people groups, types and cultures that we would be unlikely to encounter in any civilian setting"
That pretty much says it all. There was a real reason, a real basis for the policy that the services were segregated. They act like animals and want to be treated as civilized anyway, and if they don't like what they get, they will try to push you around to take it whether you like it or not.
Here,s a good one for U, while being a MDMAA in the Galley on base, it was my job to regulate especially as a PO1/CS1,..anyway politely told a female spouse, that it was not allowed to eat in line, while being served, evidently she thought she was above the rules she was supposedly the Unit/Sqdrn Ombudsman,..So she told my LPO, that i was rude and embarrassed her,…oh and yelled at her, ..my leaders knew better,…I can imagine how she is around other spouses she supposed to help,…We all just laughed at her when she departed anyway, so, the bottom line is "YOU as an Ombudsman", outside ur area "WE DON'T CARE!!", You R not above the rules outside ur little world of faker importance!!!
Hello Amy,
I am very stressed out as a Military Spouse of 12 years. Never have I ever been so bullied until now.I have cried several times because of the lies that have been spread and the obscenities that have been shouted out! I am already going through so many things in my health and in my marriage.My neighbors sometimes shout out obscenities and their children which is even more torture. I don't know what's really being said about me and why? I don't even know there names,but allot of things that have been said has been so rude and condescending I was wondering am I dealing with racism and just plain hate.Even if you thought something about someone its not up to you to shout it out and try to humiliate anyone with the lies your spreading.I don't know who I can go to and tell and that my info will be respected and kept in confidentiality, but in hope that the matter will being addressed respectfully.
Please I plead with anyone on here reading this post if your bullying a spouse stop.If she has not responded to your comment she is already emotionally depleted and may be dealing with depression symptoms on some levels.Its not funny to call people, stupid, dumb,bitch, retarded, and hoe without knowing that woman or her story. Please stop bullying anyone period.
We have lost a lot of Soldiers who died because of suicide from bullying in the Military also as well as children. People need to really understands that " Sticks and stones, really do break your bones". We are seeing a result of that today with the many suicides.Please everyone lets stop this suicidal act by killing people with your tongue.
This was a good post. I hope everything was reconciled with your daughters situation.
Blessings,
Concerned Mil Spouse