I like divorced people. Two of my brothers are divorced. I like the way they figured out that it wasn’t just the military that contributed to their divorces. I like the way they openly regret their mistakes. I like how they don’t point out that their regrets will be my regrets if I don’t shape up right now.
Turns out that we really can learn something about happy marriage from people like them who divorce…then do the very hard work of divorce.
In the Wall Street Journal last week, psychologist Terri Orbuch said that divorced people can and do identify behaviors they believe contributed to the end of their marriages. They can and do change those behaviors next time around.
So what are the behaviors people regret after the divorce? In her longitudinal study for the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research, Orbuch has identified five regrets civilian divorced couples mention over and over:
- They regret the way they handled money.
- They regret that they didn’t show their partners enough affection—with words as well as actions
- They regret how they couldn’t let go of the past.
- They regret the way they blamed their partner.
- They regret how they didn’t spend the ten focused minutes a day people need to really know each other.
No crazy surprises there. No regretting that you didn’t wear red socks often enough. No regrets about leaving your spouse’s car in the Atlantic Ocean. The regrets listed by divorced couples seem so easy to avoid.. Just cut that spending. Just get over yourself. Just talk once in a while. What’s so hard about that?
When I spend time with my brothers and their new wives, I find myself trying to figure it all out. Why are they so happy this time? These are just ordinary guys. I don’t see huge changes in their behaviors. They talk to their wives more, certainly. I hear them compliment their wives. When something about an ex-wife comes up now, the ex-wife isn’t evil. Instead, my brothers voice their regrets about what they didn’t know and what they could have done better and what they are doing differently this time.
Maybe my brothers, like so many divorced people, have learned the deceptively simple truth of marriage: you have to put your partners need ahead of your own. You have to talk when you are tired. You have to compliment and praise when you feel unappreciated. You have to put the family’s finances over your own wants. Those seem like simple things to do, yes. They seem like the kind of simple things that you regret not doing long after the first marriage is gone.
About Jacey Eckhart
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Read this this morning and was SO surprised when I checked back on the site today and saw the little "0" next to comments.
It is interesting me how many comments are generated about some articles, but this article, that honestly feels so important, especially for the often precarious situation of military marriages, gets no comments so far today.
I think its because people are scared to talk about marriage and be honest and real about it. I tend to think that other people have better marriages then me, are possibly more satisfied and find a better balance of military/family than I have accomplished.
One thing really stood out to me about this article and that was that statement discussing how "you have to put partners needs ahead of your own"–so, so simple! I think in the military its difficult because we have to put our branch's needs ahead of our own needs! However, I have seen so many instances and experienced at times, when things are falling into that category that are not. One kind of more light examples–a wife whose husband plays video games all day, neglecting the needs of his wife and children–justified by saying that in order to be a good Marine, he must be relaxed, this is the only thing that relaxes him, thus it is putting the mission first. Insert any activity here.
Now before you all thing I don't think people should be allowed to have video game playing time….I do! My husband enjoys his X-Box as much as the next Marine. But I think there sometimes is this tendency to wrap things up in the "mission" of the military branch we serve, when it doesn't really fit in there. Then, the spouse is stuck in the difficult position of not being "supportive"–the worst thing you can do as a military spouse. And we should all be supportive! But it is important to make sure we are doing things in the following order: military–>family–>yourself (at least be aiming for that a good chunk of time).
We teatered on the edge of divorce several years ago… with all 5 of these points being out of balance. We had an excellent counselor who told us that wether we started over with each other, or started over and looked for other relationships we first must end the bad relationship that had gotten us to that point. It was basically a wake up call to us to realize that neither of us was the "good one" or the "bad one" in the relationship. We both would loose as would our children if we called it quits. We choose to start over together. We talked though the things that sent us down that distructive path. We did a lot of dreams and goals planning. Now I feel that we have a much better balance in these 5 areas and all areas of our marriage. We are truely a team working toward the same goals. We support each other, bragg on each other, and have been able to forgive & forget the past mistakes to get to a great today and looking forward to an even better tomorrow.
I am glad to hear that you were able to work things out. I have a daughter who has only been married for about a year and her husband has asked for a divorce. He told her that it's not her, that it is him and that he knows he will never have someone like her again. She has tried so hard to make the marriage work, has supported him through all of his ups & downs & though his mistakes. He is dealing with PTSD, goes through money like no tomorrow and is somewhat of a loaner. He doesn't think he needs help and thinks that he can do this by himself and this has caused issues between them. He loves her for about 3 months at a time, then doesn't know what he wants and this has been his pattern for the last year. He is no longer in the military, not by choice, and his squad that he was in charge of has been deployed to Afghanistan. She was suppose to move to NC where he was stationed, but because of his DUI, lost wages, squad was taken away and was not able to support her for her to move down until she found something. i have been praying for their marriage, but when do you know if it's healthy or not. I know she loves him dearly and I do believe that he still loves her, but I can't see her doing this for the rest of her life. Any suggestions.
That old saying…. "You can lead a horse to water but, you can't make him drink"
I think that she will have to lead him to counseling and hope he will take a drink. It sounds like he is using all the wrong things as coping tools. He needs to get some help to re-prioritize and he needs to learns some new coping skills. Drinking and spending money are obviously not helping him.
My suggestions is to have her sit down with him on one of his good days. Then they can start by doing some dreaming and planning of what they would like to see their life together look like. Next they can make a plan to get them there. I would say that in the very near term it will require some counseling for sure, but hopefully in the long term they can be each other's counselor and support to make good coping choices. The issues that cause the PTSD won't go away, he just has to learn how to compartmentalize them and to find ways to improve his reaction to them.
I hope that helps. As a Mother in Law, the best thing you can do is to continue to pray for them both.
I think that most people feel that their marriage is a private thing. They don't want to talk about the problems – because it brings bad memories. What most young folks don't realize, is that EVERYONE has moments that they want to forget. My suggestion is that you / they learn how to address these problems with their spouse without placing blame. Agree that you will not let the same problem drive you apart.
I have been married 55 years this month, and think that we are happy. There were times, but they are just bad memories that I don't want to discuss. They are private!
If it does not work is better to terminate the relationship
Pathfinder22554
This is powerful stuff!! Wouldn't it be great if Focus on the Family and other groups that are so vocal in support of 'traditional marriage' picked this up and gave it the publicity it deserves? Might actually make a difference is some lives.
I know too many (not all) who have married for the absolute wrong reasons….things such as being able to move off base, getting bah and being deployed soon were some of the main driving forces behind their "I do's." Eventually, it winds up not being worth it and divorce seems inevitable.
Going through a divorce is really hard. I cannot say I agree or disagree about the idea of it but my only advice is they must choose a path that will make both parties happy. As what you've mentioned from the above article, you said that according to a social research couples have a lot of regrets and the only thing, I guess, to get over to those regret is to basically find what'll make things go right. I cannot blame the couples for suddenly marrying or suddenly divorcing but remember you must always consider what'll be the best for everyone, especially if the couple had a child. The issue usually comes in here. Many couples continue to fight over the custody and financial support of their child/ren that's why I find it necessary that both should seek out some guidance to a legal expert about child support modification in Florida and in America to be able to settle things peacefully. In that way, if the couple decided to part ways thy will both be happy about it.
Your brothers are the exception. As a counsler. I speaK with many divocrced Military members and they have nothing good to say about their ex, always blaming them for every thing. Tthe ex was the reason for everything bad.
It's just a matter of time before your brothers start blaming their seecnd wives. Check the Statistics once you get divorced iit's likely to happen a seecond and third time.
Many people in the Miliitay marry for the wrong reasons. e. g don;t want to live iin the Barracks, The BAH entitlememt and deployment benefits. Then they deploy, cheat on theiir spouses come back with depression spend all their money on someone else dont want a relationshhip with their spouse anymore. They get divorced thinking that the new spouse is better only to realize the grass is not greener on the other side . So in the end they hav to be nice to their first spouse that is probably the one who understands and know everything about them. That''s who they always end up going back to.
Carine: I think time is a big factor for my brothers. One brother and 2nd wife just celebrated their 15th anniversary. The other celebrated #10 with his wife. I think it has taken them a lot of time and reflection to get to where they are now. I really admire that.