I will not apologize if this revelation ruins your existence.
Maybe you read about it in a recent issue of The Atlantic. Maybe you thought that only applied to really important women in high powered positions. But it doesn’t.
Women, including military spouses cannot “have it all.” There … I said it.
That women can have it all is an acclamation formed and supported by women who have: no kids, no husband, enough money to support a household staff, and who do not move every two to three years. Having it all as a woman attached to the military, whether as the military member or a spouse, makes me chuckle.
Does anyone truly believe this horsepucky? I never bought into it. Once upon a time, I entertained the idea of being one of those women who make it all look so darned easy, but that was before kids, before PCSing, before marriage … before realizing that being proficient in all is not the same as a job well done.
“Can you successfully have it all?”…that should be the question. The more is better philosophy of living … is that the best way to live? I could have a garage full of cars, but what does it mean if they are all Yugos? I will take quality over quantity any day of the week.
It is just not possible to juggle all four balls successfully. The key word here is “successfully.” You can get them in the air just fine, but good luck trying to keep them up there without hurting yourself or others near you. I have seen good-hearted attempts, but something always comes crashing down. Whether you have a career or choose to stay at home, something has to give.
I do not have the financial resources for a nanny, maid, personal assistant, or chef to aid in my nonexistent quest to have it all. So what had to give for me is an outside career. I can get on board with a job, but a career demands time that I just do not have and would stretch me too thin in other parts of my life, which for me are more important: wife and mother. One day my parenting duties will lessen, and then I can concentrate on the career part of my life again.
It is my belief, and this is not an excuse, that the military spouse factor plays a part in this as well. My stress level and our family’s health is my utmost importance directly after a move … when everyone has settled and adjusted, I can get back to me. If I had to figure out how to get all those balls juggling at one time, a circus tent would have to put up over my house.
For those of you out there keeping the farce going strong, my hat is off to you…apparently you have discovered some secret well of fortitude and positive spirit that has remained hidden from me, or maybe you are failing in an important category in your life, also kept hidden from me.
For those of you with aspirations to prove me wrong, I will send you a case of wine.
About Heidi
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Our decisions are based on what we deem important and on how we can best acheive our goals. Also, whatever we decide will result in some areas not getting as much attention as others. It's all a balancing act and we shouldn't feel guilty for making certain things a greater priority than others. I don't see this as another working mom vs SAHM argument. I see this article as an acceptance that it's ok if we aren't perfect at everything and a lack in one area does not constitute failure. What matters most is that we are happy with our choices and guilt shouldn't tarnish the successes we achieve in our lives.
Well stated, Mel!
Well said Mel! Thank you Heidi for once again sharing your thoughts & feelings and relating to so many of us military spouses.
Agreed. There are as many ways to be a military spouse as there are military spouses. One person's "having it all" may not look anything like someone else's version. But we're a diverse and vibrant group–why try to brand some of our experiences as less valid for being different when milspouses' diversity is one of our greatest assets and strengths?
First…I agree with you. "It all" is very individualized.
Second…do not blame SpouseBuzz for my opinions…blogs are just that and this is a forum for discussion, support, and even debates.
Third…A lot of your other points I agree with, too. There should not be a disconnect between working moms and stay at homers. I stressed the word "successfully"…can everyone have it all successfully…and the answer no matter what "it all"means to you is no. Take all the stress away of trying to be perfect in everything and everyone can just do the best they can, period, without comparing life choices.
As was stated in the article- there's a HUGE difference between "working" and "career". A job is something one does to generate income- burger slinger, door greeter, etc. A career is job which one has a passion for. This author isn't saying "You must be stay at home mom to have it all", she's saying that, in her experience only, its impossible to have high quality family, property ownership, love-life and a career (not a job)- you can have all those things, but it wouldn't be of any great quality. She even mentions this isn't possible without an army of assistants- maids, chefs, nanny's and organizers- but even then, its not possible since its really these people doing the work for you (including raising your kids) not you (used in the 3rd person, not speaking to you directly) – therefore "you" are really just focusing on your career, not keeping the house, not raising the kids. As this author also hints at, "having it all" is a misnomer- its really "having it all that is important to you". And this applies not only to women, but men as well. A great movie that demonstrates this wonderfully- "Family Man". I'm no fan of Nick Cage, but it was a good movie IMHO- at the start, he's got "it all" materialistically- fancy car, penthouse apartment, high class job, a different women every night. A little magic and he sees the life he would have had if he had chosen family instead with a "plain job" instead. He starts to like the family life, then tries to get "it all"- both family and material- and starts to mess the whole thing up learning he has to actually decide which he wants. The whole point of the movie and this article- man or women- you can't have EVERYTHING- you have to decide, or settle for low quality "everything". Anything leading you to believe that, no matter how wealthy you are, you can have everything, is misleading and hiding something from you.
Who said this was a discussion of wealth. I did not equate wealth with fulfillment.
I suppose I was arguing for a more Zen view of the world where "it all" is what makes you feel happy and fulfilled.
No one was arguing you don't have to make choices. Everything in life is a choice. But to suggest that one person's choices are a "farce" because what makes them feel fulfilled is different than what someone else find fulfulling is unfair at best. "It all", in my opinion, has always been defined as achieving the things that are important to me (not to anyone else, just me) and if I have the things that make me feel whole and fulfilled as a human being in the world, then that is having everything, having "it all."
Personally, I am happy having both my career and my family and many of my friends do both and are happy too. I know for some people it doesn't make them happy and that's cool. There's just no need to rain on the parades of people who find joy in different things.
Im certainly not a burger flipper. I work in the career field I trained and studied for. I’m I’m no way materialistic but I have a career. This job is adding to my resume for future jobs that I would like to have. Your movie is just that, a movie. It’s fiction! It has no basis in our lives which are reality. My family life is perfectly balanced with my career. I work to have the kind of life we want but I certainly enjoy my job!
I read this three times to make sure I was reading it right. I am in shock! You can't really believe this Heidi? I am sure you meant well in writing it, but this is a wacky article, and the opening paragraph is completely untrue. Just because you feel you can't do it all successfully doesn't make others who do so liars living a "farce" or hiding their failures from you. Your "REVELATION" certainly isn't going to ruin anyone's existence; I can assure you of that. Truth be told, you sounded really judgmental and it seems to stem from a bit of jealousy over your own inadequacy to be able to do it all and have it all. I must say, I do admire women that I know who show up at every baseball and football game after work, are in the PTA, and work out (one is the aerobic instructor) and also have families. They are out there doing IT ALL ,and I am sure they feel they have it all, and are successful at having it all. Who are you to tell them that their life's vision is horsepucky or they are living a farce? What about the active duty mom? Is she dropping balls all over because she has a military career? I cannot believe that you actually believe this is true, let alone would write and publish the thought. I must say it was a good write even if I disagreed on every single point made. On a last note… What about men with careers and families? Do they have it all? Are they also positively failing somewhere? I am glad there are women who stand up for our equal rights and aren't fighting to go backwards in history. Anyway, I have many close friends that you owe wine to.
I agree with Erin!! I do believe I have IT ALL, this is the life I choose for me and my kids and I am so happy I did! Everyone has their own definition of having it all and it might be small or it just might be big.
I've been a Military Spouse for almost 21 years now and it sounds like this article is more selfish then anything. I work full time, have a side home business, volunteer with the spouses groups, volunteer off base as well and I also have a puppy, cat and 2 kids. So yes I have it all and am exactly where I want to be!
That's a whole lot of "I". Ask your kids to grade your availability as a mother. Heidi didn't attack you personally. Get over yourself.
Equality for women was all about making sure we had choices. Never did I state that everyone needs to make the same choices I have made. The revelation part was tongue in cheek. The jealousy part made me laugh…no, I am not jealous of those trying to have it all. I am actually quite at peace with my life choices and would NEVER be judgmental of anyone's personal choices…this was aimed more at the media who keep shoving "women who have it all" down our throats and making everyone who isn't earning a six figure salary along with a family look like slackers. This was to lessen the guilt…not increase it.
While I cannot speak directly for my friends who are active duty moms, I can say from the conversations I have had with them that most (9 out of 10) have stated they are counting down towards retirement so they can quit trying to "have it all" and can concentrate on parts of their lives that have been put on the back burner. Less stress, less deployements, less TDYs, etc…and add in most are married to active duty spouses, too, and who can blame them?
And men with careers and families…men are beautifully equipped with personalities that are programed to know they don't have it all or even strive to have it all. I have never talked with an active duty husband and father who stated: Ya know…I really feel like I am failing in a part of my life and need to be a better husband and father and commander and PTA member…what are others thinking of me? No…just doesn't happen. Men have found a way to alleviate themselves of the guilt of not having it all and so should we!!
Thank you for posting all your valid points…I like it! Good debate!
So you mean to tell me that men don’t feel like they would rather be home with you rather than at work? I know I certainly heard that many times from my husband when our daughter was first born. I do work full time myself now and I do also wish I could be home with my baby. When I watch her on the camera from daycare I know I make the right choice coming to work everyday. She is outgoing and would miss out on being around other children. Staying home with her would be selfish. We spend quality time every evening and weekend. We take vacations when needed. I don’t feel tired or run down. I actually feel better getting out and doing something during the day. And I’m sure my husband appreciates that I’m not running him down the moment he comes home because I haven’t had anyone to talk to all day. This decision works for me because of us as a family sticking to a routine, which is what children need.
Your “tongue and cheek” comment seemed like it was a slap in the face to those of us who have created a routine that works. It seemed out of spite, like your saying we can’t balance our lives like we say. It does frighten me that I can’t have a career that I can stick with for 20 years like my husband but I have come to terms with it. I’m not saying I’m better because I work I’m saying this choice works perfectly for me and I resent the fact that you say I should just give up and stay home because it pointless. That’s what I took away from your post. I’m tired of women acting like martyrs when they are stay at home moms. We working moms also have to change diapers, go grocery shopping and cook dinner for our families. We don’t get out of our motherly duties just because we work. We are in the same boat together. If it works for you, good! Give us our right to feel fulfilled too.
Well said, Heidi!
While there are certainly women that make it appear possible, juggling that many balls in the air cannot be continued infinitely without a crash. The crash may not be visible to everyone, but somewhere, somehow, a ball gets dropped.
Unlike a previous commenter, I do not believe you are saying that active duty moms are blowing it and dropping balls everywhere. I also do not believe that single moms are incapable of juggling; single moms are amazing heroes for all that they accomplish. But "having it all" implies that a woman can do everything (career, hobbies, a love life, time with friends, raising children and being available for all of their activities, keeping a beautifully decorated house, making healthy & delicious meals, laundry and shopping, any and all volunteer requirements) and do it perfectly, without yelling or crying or breaking down, without feeling like there is no "me" time, without ignoring her partner's needs. And don't forget social media and being constantly available via the so-called smart phone! Those expectations in today's world make it impossible for a woman to do it all, and yet the expectations remain.
Men are not judged by the same expectations, but we women pile on the responsibilities and guilt and judge one another mercilessly.
kcinnova: You've got it and it's a great response to the point Heidi was making all along. It's a woman's equality or "feminist" issue as Heidi correctly extracted from the original article in The Atlantic. The article continues to spark the debate because of how off course the feminist movement has become and calls for a renewed work/life balance debate (not a devaluing of choices). Here's a link to that article: http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/…
When I had my first child I worked. When my second came along, I tried working for a bit and one day I realized that I simply couldn't have my job and be the mother that I wanted to be. My husband almost had a heart attack at the income we would loose and I cried over the career I was let slipping away, but I knew it was the right decision for me. As my kids entered school I volunteered in their schools, in spouses' clubs and various organizations all over the base and the community; I probably contributed more time to these clubs than I would have to a job and it definitely wasn't "satisfying", but at least I was there every morning when my kids went to school and every afternoon when they came home, because that is what I wanted for myself and my children. My kids are not over extended in activities, but I do not see how I could shuffle them to the sports they want to participate in, get homework done, get supper in them and get them to bed if I worked. My husband is father of the year, when he is home, but he works, and works long hours and is gone quite frequently. If I were split between my a career and my family, something would surely crack and it would probably be me. I commend working moms.
Heidi asked "Can you successfully have it all?"….how about "Can our kids have it all?"….that's all I want…I want my kids to have it all, because they don't have their Dad all the time, so at least I can give them their Mom…I surrendered my wants when I became a Mom. Trust me I never thought I would be a SAHM. Until the day, my boss called me and informed me that my job would require me to be away on business possibly 2 weeks every month…I looked at my baby and cried at the thought of leaving, I cried at the thought of my baby being in daycare while my husband was at work for 10 hours a day….that is why I can't have it all.
Maybe there should be another category. SAHMM. Stay at home military mom. They have an entirely different spectrum of challenges – not more or less – but TOTALLY DIFFERENT . A military job is a commitment. Not one that can be quit when you don't like the new location, pay or assignment your spouse has gotten. So for better or worse, the FAMILY has to endure it for the time that LEGALLY you are required to fulfill. I don't know of anything else that is like that except perhaps JAIL! Most of us choose to stay in until retirement and are happy to, but there are trying unique times, and times when a parent is totally absent, in an unknown destination, being SHOT AT and totally not able to be in contact for weeks or months or have ANY IDEA when they may be returning home! My hats off to those who can mentally manage a military marriage, a career that moves anywhere in the world you have to, moving constantly, worrying about your spouses safety, raising respectful kids and maintaining your sense of SELF. As a SAHMM I have evolved into a person that NO CAREER IN THE WORLD could have taught me! And am proud of it!
The continuing pipe dream often disguised as feminist tripe. One more news flash, … neither can men. The ability to accomplish everything one wants in life is not regulated by sex, although it can be tempered by it. The main determiners have always been three things: Ones definition of "all", each individuals personal capabilities and how we need ourselves and others to see us. In other words… expectations – which includes the price we are prepared to pay. – -
What those who surround the one who "has it all" see when they look at that person is more often than not completely different than the subject of the title. – -
Some are more capable, some can balance more activities, handle more pressure and have more self discipline. Some have higher expectations for others than themselves and some are more easily satisfied. Some are more jealous, more selfish and more demanding of others. – -
If in the end happiness is the ultimate goal, what one sees in the mirror is more important than anything else.
"the price we are prepared to pay"…very well said.
NEWS FLASH:Everyone can have it all, quit telling ONLY women that they can't! And NO.. you very precisely said it was impossible for women to make different choices than you made and do it successfully according to you. Laughing at 6 fig income here! @ Carolyn,I can understand your decision, and I think it is admirable. Truth be told, I do not think this article would set well with the many military moms I know, those who are active duty, or those who teach our kids, and others who have careers due to their husbands enlisted incomes. Can our kids have it all?..Well, as long as you are loving and providing for them, they do. Period! This article says that women who work must be failing somewhere according to Heidi ( they have a garage full of Yugos). That is what she wrote. If she isn't right, then she is sending cases of wine out. What she wrote makes her feel better perhaps, but it degrades those who do things different from her and successfully.. I guess so she can feel good about not having a career or having to work. I don't know why she is so sure what happens for her is everyone's experience. I think just as men can, women can do whatever they want and call it whatever they want. A woman has the great ability to be a jack of all trades, we are awesome multi-taskers!. Anyway, This was in no way a feel good article. It was totally out of touch with the women of today. If you don't want to work and don't have to, then don't, but don't tell those who do that there is no way they have great, happy, well adjusted and balanced successful lives in all arenas (WITHOUT hurting themselves or others IE husbands and kids). For there are those who most certainly do! Not all because they are trying to keep up with the Jones-es either. Not because society said so somewhere, but because they feel whole when they work and have families to share their lives with. That's all. The article is what it is, and says what it says. I just totally disagree with it in it's entirety.
Feminist Drivel!
You say feminist like it's a bad thing.
This is going to be in two parts, because apparently I have been getting kicked back for having it too long…so hold onto your hats ladies: PART ONE: I define “having it all” as having a family and having a career that you are passionate about, you love, and nurture and make concessions for so it can progress…not just a job so you can have some extra spending money, or get out of the house, or say you have a job. And that is generally not possible for a military spouse, because, in order to make sure the family works well at its basic core… the concessions have to be made to support the active duty military mission first and foremost. That is a noble and great thing, service before self for both couples, service to the nation, and to the children we decided to have together….but “having it all” for the dependent spouse will have to wait, until they leave AD, or retire…and you aren’t required anymore to be the one who always makes the concession, you can finally stay in one place, or move, to support and nurture the growth of your own career that you love and value.
PART TWO: . In any duel career family within the military (or without) someone, will never “have it all”. One career will always be the one which more value is placed upon. One of those careers has better benefits, so when a move is required, you both follow it instead of the other career. One career’s importance, determines which spouse stays home from work and misses their very important meeting to be with the sick child. In a family, someone always has to make a concession at some point to be the flexible one…and then that person doesn’t really “have it all” The way we choose who “has it all” is by deciding which “having it all” is going to best support the family monetarily, and the one that doesn’t, then supports the family physically. And neither could do what they do without the other.
2 questions
Does Michelle Obama have "it all" as a wife and mother of children of the Commander in Chief?
If you had a "wife" would you then be able to fulfill the media definition of "having it all"?
Frankly, I think I could BE President if I had a wife!
I think what we are talking about is the media definition of "having it all" and the lack of time we all endure in any of our endeavors to be the best people we can be. Some women are better moms who work, Some aren't, bottom line is knowing which one YOU ARE!
You know, I knew a woman that had it all once. She was busy having it all while her son was baking pot cookies in her kitchen in the afternoons to sell at school. She never knew, until he was arrested and expelled. I always wondered if she wished she had been more aware of what was going on in her kitchen while she and her husband were busy at work. This is why I never tried to have it all.
He could have very well have been making and eating pot cookies while his SAHM was on the internet all day. Don't blame working moms – I know plenty of kids of SAHMs who are pretty "messed up" included those of moms who devote most of their days to making perfect lunchboxes and attending every PTO meeting.
*Just a thought: maybe we should be a little less focused on making sure our kids "Have it All" – maybe then we wouldn't be raising a society filled with people who spend recklessly and who are not willing to…(wait for it)… work.
I've never personally sensed pressure from the media to make more $ or get out and be a working mother, so I can have more stuff. That's just speaking from my personal life's experience.
I do want to make sure we are clear and informed about MEN though, because this comment is very dangerous and a gross misconception. I am NOT posting this as a matter of debate, because it isn't up for debate. To quote you "Men are beautifully equipped with personalities that are programed to know they don't have it all or even strive to have it all. I have never talked with an active duty husband and father who stated: Ya know…I really feel like I am failing in a part of my life and need to be a better husband and father and commander and PTA member…what are others thinking of me? No…just doesn't happen. Men have found a way to alleviate themselves of the guilt of not having it all"
Dear Heidi (again, saying "NO..it just doesn't happen"..so sure that your opinion is as good as fact), please know that the polar opposite happens to be the truth. Men tend to deny having problems because they are supposed to "be strong." American culture suggests that expressing emotion is largely a feminine trait. As a result, men who are depressed are more likely to talk about the physical symptoms of their depression — such as feeling tired — rather than symptoms related to emotions or their feelings of failure. The reason 6 million U.S. men suffer from depression each year and are FOUR TIMES more likely to commit suicide than women, is because…well, simply put, their feelings of failure, either in their personal lives,at work or both. Off topic, sorry, but it is a matter of GREAT import that everyone understands this, I just needed to make that clear.
@Alison, As far as kids and pot. cookies – You think kids aren't smoking pot who have stay at home moms? That is laughable, if so.That particular kid's fun bakery had nothing to do with whether the mother worked or not, if it was flipping burgers or @ her CEO job. It had to do with parenting styles and skills. The awareness level of what's going on in their home and with their kids daily. I know SAHMM's who are so overly obsessed in their volunteering, one upping, brown nosing attn. seeking lives; that they have appear to have no clue what's happening with their kids emotionally or otherwise. Some people aren't equipped to do it all, but again, write about yourselves and don't lump everyone together and tell others that their lives amount to a bunch of crappy cars, that there is NO WAY that they are happily living their dreams and having it all. The meat of the article smacks of bitterness and judgment, whether that was the intent of not. I doubt Heidi would listen to any naysayer of her write, since it seems she knows it all, and can exact what everyone is or is not capable of, as well as how all men operate emotionally.
I do want to say again that I am sure her heart was in the right place, trying to help a portion of mothers feel superior; for making what is in some people's eye the more selfless choice of forfeiting their careers to be a SAHMM.. It just doesn't apply to everyone. It's really not nice to insinuate that other's lives suck, or are falling apart behind the scenes because they can live their lives their way happily, and you refuse to believe that they can, and or do so successfully. Happy Career Mom bashing to you all ;) btw, that's my version of tongue in cheek.
A word of sincere advice if you choose to take it: if this is the same Erin that has replied multiple times, unfortunately your point is being buried under your tone. Your passion and emotion is understandable and this is probably not the first time you've had to defend your point of view. But while you say that Heidi's article "smacks of bitterness and judgment," your own responses are full of resentment. Please hear me, much of what you have to say could benefit other readers, both those who agree and share your experience and those who do not. However, it seems to me that you are only helping drive the wedge between two sides rather than making any peace at all. You "doubt Heidi would listen to any naysayer of her write," but if you've actually read Heidi's responses to her readers, you would see that she is quite gracious, even to the point of learning a new thing or two from someone who shares a different point of view. Regardless of how you disagree with her article, you'd have a better shot of having an audience if you were tactful.
You reek of hate and self loathing.
Why does "having it all" automatically mean having kids and being a mom? I have everything I want right now and that does not include kids.
Very true. It doesn't mean you have to be a mom. That is what I have learned by writing this…"it all" has a different definition for everyone. Thank you for reminding me of that!
It's not just this article. It is every single article ever written about women having it all.
Sarah, I'm not sure how old you are, but "having it all" was something that was said by feminists in the 1970s and possibly early 80s, by which they were referring to a positive career which one loved, a husband, children, a home, and a good social life. I think perhaps there are many different ideas now of what “having it all” means to various people, but that was the original understanding and coining of the term….which may be why you see it in every single article. If you are not familiar with Betty Friedan book the Feminine Mystique, published in 1963, first introducing into print what she termed "the problem that has no name" you might find it enlightening as to your question.
I am familiar with it, but it is not longer the 70's or 80's. Now women can have kids without a husband, or not kids and have a husband, or have kids and have a wife. I think it's time to stop relating "having it all" with having kids.
Thank you Mary for bringing up this book. I have read the book because I knew about it as I am a baby boomer and took feminist thought classes in graduate school. The Anne – Marie Slaughter article debate has brought the new feminist ideal alive again. It's wonderful to see such passion in the Gen X and Millennial women on this discussion board defending their positions. They are having this debate because of Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem but the movement has become stagnant and inflexible by being not inclusive of all women.
Here's a link to the Anne-Marie Slaughter article: http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/…
How do I get that case of wine again? Any chance we could make it beer instead? If not, wine is cool. :-P
hahahaha! I prefer beer, too.
Live on Fort Leavenworth as permanment party while the ILE students rotate and you will see all types of personalities of milspouses. You will find all the spousal bullying and spousal competition. I have heard and witness so much about the Army at this one post more than I have in my 17 years an active duty Army spouse. I am old Army spouse…BE ALL YOU CAN BE IN THE ARMY….not the new Army spouse…ARMY OF ONE…which implies…of whoa me this is not Lifetimes Army Wives. I was told 'they would issue a wife and children' if they wanted the soldier to have one'. Now I have been through pilot programs throughout the Army and they don't work becuase of the attitude of the spouses and/or number of those participating. If you ask me the Army and our Congress has been way to slow to help us all the way around…from the soldier to the child.
"What had to give for me"…words that indicate I used myself as an example…NOT the gold standard. I don't have "it all" and never said that I did. Heck…I even admit my own failure in that. I have a job outside the home, but not a career. When reading the post, please note that. I am in no way indicating working moms are bad moms or have bad kids. Never is that stated.
This was written to open up ideas and thoughts behind this idea of "having it all". Never did I imagine this would turn into a personal attack, against you or against me. If I gave you that impression myself, that was not my intention and you have my utmost apology. But I do not retract the post, as that would be retracting what has opened up the discussion about "having it all" means…which many of you readers noted is different for everyone.
Thank you to those that took the time to read and comment without taking phrases out of context. I like different opinions and don't mind being told how you think I am wrong as long as it is valid and you also share your secrets…
To have it "all" you have to suck it up and get over yourself. Get an education, so that you can have a career that travels. Balance your time! Don't use I'm a "military spouse" as an excuse! THAT is the problem with today's generation of military wives, looking for an excuse. I worked FT, went to school FT (for my master's), raised my children, kept my husband going, and surprisingly my house did not fall apart. The secret? Suck it up! If you want it "all" then WORK for it!!!
Now I realize why I didn't click and open this when it first posted. There is such a stereotype for military spouses and you all hit it right on the head. The whiny stay at home Mom who is depressed, can't handle her kids, and drains the bank account The working Mom who neglects her family because she is selfish and puts herself first while her kids run wild. Don’t forget the Soldier who has no feelings and is only a fighting machine….did I get it right?
And you know what? You all got it right too.
I say as long as you are happy with the decisions you have made whether you work or stay home then good for you. Stop b!&ching about it! I was dual-military with kids for 7 years; I got out due to deploying the same time as my husband and now work as Army Civilian. I have 2 kids; both are straight A students. I coach soccer for our rec center. My kids do dance, piano and band. My husband is on his 6th deployment. Do I have "it all?" HELL NO….I want more! However I accept what God has given me and thank him for it every day. Oh and as for our emotionless husbands….just this morning my husband called from the sand box to tell my 6th grader that he was sorry he wasn't there to see her start middle school and he was sad.
So stop feeling sorry for yourself and be grateful for what you have whether its all or nothing.
Don't really see any complaining, at least in the post. Also having difficulty seeing where husbands were referred to as emotionless. I did say they are better at accepting what they have and not feeling the pressure we women put on our own gender.
You are also the only commenter that stated they are grateful for all you have…a very nice change! If only we can all be that way…
If you knew Heidi in person, you would sink into your shoes in embarrassment for what you just said. She is the least likely person to feel sorry for herself, the most upbeat, down to earth, get-er-done woman I have had the fortune to know in many years with the military. The comments about feeling sorry for yourself, or just work hard and you can have it all, and stop whining, miss the point of Heidi’s post by miles and frankly are ugly and uncalled for. This was a post about knowing your limits, about being honest with yourself and others, about being happy with what you have….about choosing to do your best with those things you have determined have the most worth to you. I am embarrassed by the ill will and ungraceful commentary which has been lobed in such a way toward my friend. Do you all act as ugly and as aggressively to one another at your cocktail parties? If so, I’d rather not attend.
That doesn't quite follow. As you point out, we don't know Heidi in person, but you don't seem to realize that because of this, all we have to go on is what she says. In this case, the message may have missed its mark. It is not ugly, aggressive behavior to respond with irritation when a writer calls your way of life a "farce." The thrust of this article seems to be "I cannot, therefore you cannot," which is inaccurate for many reasons. As others have rightly pointed out, "having it all" means different things to different people–working moms, stay-at-home moms, childfree spouses, all cultivating their own lives as they see fit. It's annoying and patronizing to have a writer on our side undercut our (frequently hard-won) personal satisfaction by calling the attainment of that satisfaction impossible, and the pursuit of that satisfaction a farce.
Amen! That is all. :)
I get the intention behind this post, I do. I think that hardest part of reading it is that telling someone that they cannot do something is always personal; the intention behind the words gets lost because defenses go up that we may not be able to have/do something.
For me, I adjusted my definition of having it all as my life changed. When I was in college, having it all was doing well in classes, hanging out with friends, and planning my future. When I got married fresh out of college, it was building a solid foundation with my husband and starting my career (which didn't go as planned but I adjusted). When I had kids, I adapted again to include that having it all meant ensuring that anyone around my children was a good influence, remembering that my career is one of my passions but not the only one, and still building a strong foundation for my family.
Yes, no one can have "it all" because that contrived, media-centered definition is unreasonable and unhealthy. But, I can have "my all." And, my all today might be different than it will be in 6 months or a year, but it's mine.
Perfect! Thank you for understanding the intention. You worded it all very well and love the "my all"…very very true!
I guess the thought never occurred to me to strive to have it all. I am only one person in this relationship with my husband and kids, but I think together we have everything we need and more than I could ever have imagined. Sometimes expectations and perceptions can make all the difference. No one will ever have it easy, even when they make it look easy. Everyone has their own personal struggles and challenges, whether seen or unseen, but that doesnt make their effforts or accomlishments any less glorious. I have respect for all those out there GIVING it their all more so than Having it all – whatever that really means, and doing what's best for their family/relationships and aspirations.
I'll be the lone dissenter. I agree, to a point, with Heidi. We can't have it all. Something has to give. It gives either in our marriages, ourselves, our jobs, the house, the kids; but it gives somewhere. I recently met a fabulous "I have it all" woman. I was amazed at how she was doing everything. I left after our dinner feeling a bit sad; that I was not doing as much as I could be. The next time we met, I came right out and asked her, "How do you do it?" She said, "full-time nannies" and "lots of baby sitters" and lots of help from our families" along with lots of dual separations (this was a dual military couple). Paying to have someone else raise my children is not my idea of having it all, but it works for her and her family. To each his own. I have enough of my own problems. I'm not going to judge you (as a woman, wife, mom, fellow human) for the choices you make. We are all doing the best we can. As for men, most of them, do get a better shot at having it all, because we (women) make it easier for them. You can deny this if you like, but I could write a book on that, but I won't here.