When you marry a military dude at 21, its hard not to be a newlywed idiot. I personally was so clueless you could have called me a newlywed-iot. Which would have hurt my feelings. And I probably would have cried. But I would have qualified as a newlywed-iot just the same.
I don’t want any other military bride to struggle like that. I want the new generation of brides and grooms to have a list of things to do the first six months of their military life so they can feel confident. Competent. Able to handle whatever was coming down the pike.
The problem is that I don’t remember what those things ought to be. Evidently, neither does anyone else. All those books about military life think you need to know what rank everyone is and how to change the oil in your car. That’s just dumb.
So what do newlyweds need to get to be successful? Think about this project as a kind of a scavenger hunt for brides and grooms. If you were a newlywed, or you are a newlywed now, what kinds of things should be on this list. I put together a few items—what would you add or subtract?
1.Get a page protector around a copy of your marriage license and a copy your service member’s current orders. For the next few weeks you are going to trot that thing around. Make sure it is hard to lose.
2.Get on DEERS. I don’t know what DEERS stands for, but I know your name has gotta be on it to exist in military life.
3. Get an ID card. Try not to look all honeymoony-swoony in your picture. You gotta live with that version of you for five years.
4.Get the mailing address for your service member’s command. It isn’t enough to know he or she is in the Navy. A mailing addy will tell you exactly what ship/unit/battalion/division your service member is in. Update this 30 or 40 times during the next 20 years.
5. Get the name of the helper assigned to families in your unit. In the Navy, this person will be the Ombudsman. In the Marine Corps you have a FRO (Family Readiness Officer. In the Army, you are looking for the FRSA (Family Readiness Support Advisor). Often these people are listed on the command’s website or Facebook page.
6. Get directions to emergency medical care in your area. This is not because military marriage is so dangerous, but because you are probably going to move soon and what’s a move without a trip to the emergency room?
7. Get access to local doctor appointment. This is different from emergency care and often happens at a different place. Get it before you wake up with a 104 degree fever.
8. Get military housing. Or at least get the directions on how to qualify for military housing. Maybe you will live there. Maybe you won’t. But find out about it so you can make an informed decision.
9. Get clear on money. How much do you make? How much does your service member make? How are you going to pay bills?
10. Get a job. This is harder than it sounds sometimes. So let me know how you did it as a newlywed.
About Jacey Eckhart
Comments
I love this post idea … I'll begin my newlywed life in a couple of months and can't wait to read the replies!
I work for MWR I would like everyone new military newlywed to know that we offer SO MUCH that goes unused. Please visit MWR and ACS as soon as you get settled at your base. You will be surprised how much they offer and how much they can make the transition easy for your family. Use the amazing resources you have, there are so many that people don't know about.
I think there should be a marriage seminar or guide, created by experienced spouses, that gives newlyweds a realistic view of what to expect. Marriage in the military is different than marriage in the civilian world. I believe one of the hardest things to adjust to is the knowledge that the military obligation supercedes the family obligation. The first time my spouse couldn't be there for me when I needed him was hurtful and it took time for me to understand that these instances in military life are part of my sacrifice for supporting a man in the military and his command wasn't keeping him away because they were cold and unfeeling. It also took time for me to understand that it hurts him to know that I have to struggle through something alone and if he could, he would be there for me, so I shouldn't take his absence as intentional disregard for me. cont.
An additional item I believe would be helpful to understand is that the military is not obligated to care for the spouse and families. What they do provide is a benefit that should be appreciated. Also, the command is not obligated to ensure that the SM is spending enough time with the family. Their main objective is mission accomplishment, so calling the command to gripe about long hours, frequent separations and lack of family suppport by the higher ups does more harm than good. We all have to learn that things don't always go our way and once we learn to roll with the changing tides we are better able to successfully thrive in a military marriage.
This sounds like a fun lighthearted post so I wont be a drag, but way back when I was a happy and energetic open book. I am still plenty happy but I have learned not to talk so much and to keep my enthusiasm to a minimum in certain situations. Trustworthy people are few and far between so be careful what you say and to whom you say it. Don't over share and stick with your spouse. If a problem arises talk to folks back home who have always had your back. Even on large installations good news travels fast keep your business private.
I agree here. Don't seek marriage advice from or complain about your hubs to spouses who's husbands work over or under your man. It WILL get back to them and it affects the way they relate to each other at work. Not good.
One would be that you are not now one person. Each has their own lives to live and to grow together as a team. Also that they aren’t just roommates living completely separate lives. Think this moves into not having opposite *** friends to hang out with.
To the military member:
To buy flowers for their spouse or other small items to show that they are thinking of them (don't take them for granted)
To not forget anniversaries, and birthdays, or to at least set it in their phones with an alarm.
To organize their stuff; or be smart and realize that they are beyond hopeless, admit it, and relinquish any pretend attempts about it.
To clearly express the trust issues heard about with deployment (ie: faithfulness, spending money while they are gone)
Understand that the spouse moves constantly with them and sacrifices careers and educational opportuniites, so patience is needed in this concern
Express honestly any financial concerns
To show appreciation that things are happening in the background to help them do their job, like laundry, errands, cooking, life, etc..
I love this post….thank you….yes, all of this is important
To the spouse:
To establish clear boundaries with behavior with their spouse (ie: rank at home, re-establishing ties and discipline roles with children after deployment, routines)
Respect down time
Find a life outside of the military member
Realize that family isn't as valued as the military would like them to believe, and accept it
Don't feel too comfortable with their higher ups (bosses) and certainly never interfere with decisions made or make suggestions to them
Realize that while you think your military person is amazing and sexy, and peole would be crazy to not want them – not everyone is after "your man/woman"
To the spouse:
To establish clear boundaries with behavior with their spouse (ie: rank at home, re-establishing ties and discipline roles with children after deployment, routines)
Respect down time
Find a life outside of the military member
Realize that family isn't as valued as the military would like them to believe, and accept it
Don't feel too comfortable with their higher ups (bosses) and certainly never interfere with decisions made or make suggestions to them
Realize that while you think your military person is amazing and sexy, and peole would be crazy to not want them – not everyone is after "your man/woman"
I think one of the most important things for military newlyweds (and really, all newlyweds) to learn is communication. Too many times you might prefer to keep your feelings, fears, concerns, and insecurities about your marriage and your spouse on the inside, and let it fester until it's blown out of proportion. And when your spouse is gone a lot of the time as military service members so often are, it's even harder to communicate. They aren't with you 24/7, so they won't be able to pick up on your body language and behaviors that would indicate that something is wrong. So, it's SO important to communicate. Tell your spouse exactly what you're feeling (but don't attack them! Talk to them in a healthy way, expressing how you feel rather than putting the blame on them), and listen to what they have to say. It will increase your love for them, and deepen the intimacy between you.
The other thing I would say is to always put your spouse first. And your spouse should be doing the same for you. Selfishness is what kills most marriages. If you're thinking of your sweetheart before yourself, it makes you more likely to forgive, more likely to see the fault in yourself in any given situation rather than to place all the blame on them, and it helps you develop empathy for them and what they're feeling. Too often during deployments it's easy to see the difficulties and struggles that you're having, and forget about what your spouse is going through. That can lead to anger and resentment. If you put your spouse first, and make a habit to consider their feelings, it will heal some of that pain from being separated. Because being apart isn't easy on either spouse.
Those are the keys to a successful marriage, at least in my opinion!
Get to know your opportunities, support structures, and military 101 BEFORE you get married and/or move in together. I understand that knowing and loving each other is the biggest part of any marriage, but the military is the third partner in our marriages… and I'm glad I got to know it first.
Within the first month or two of dating, I started recognizing what all the trainings and deployment schedules meant, and got very proactive about seeking support. While a few notorious FRGs like to be "wives/husbands-only" you can generally find tons of resources online if you just get enough motivation to start searching. For example, I stumbled onto this community about 4 months into our relationship, and through the people here I've gotten to be quite the expert on military spousehood.
How to handle a move.
What the schedule will be like (yes, your husband still has to go on duty even if you had a bad day and would rather he stay home).
That the needs of the military come first.
How the pay works and exactly how much is coming in and going out.
How to deal with the healthcare and where to go.
Which military office or building to go to for any needs.
What is needed to get on base (ID, car tags, etc. every time).
What an POA is, what it's needed for, and how to get one.
What you can handle with out a POA (i.e.getting the base tags for the car) and what he has to handle.
That making a life for yourself outside of the military and service member is the best way to successfully navigate military life.
Job and education resources that are available to military spouses and that, while it is harder, it's not impossible to still have a career of your own.
Basic adult life skills such as how to take care of a car, how to budget, how to buy groceries and cook, how to pay bills, etc. It blows my mind how many military spouses I've met who don't know how to do these simple things expected of any adult.
A friend put together a New Navy Wife kit with information she got from the forum were a part of. There are some good explanations on it: http://www.allmylovegifts.net/goodies/index.php/N…
Rule #1: get a Power of Attorney before he leaves. During 1 deployment my car (that was registered in his name) got towed and someone stole his identity.
Rule #2: make sure your ID and car stickers aren't going to expire while they're gone. you'll be in big trouble if they do.
Rule #3: do not OVER share with the other wives in the squadron. Remember, these ladies are married to men that your husband works with… and the ladies WILL tell their husband's what you say. Do not create an awkward environment for your husband to work in.
Rule #4: don't be afraid or feel guilty to work full time. i remember feeling badly that i couldn't make it to every squadron event or spend every second my husband was home (especially leading up to a deployment) with him. The fact is, a dual income is extremely helpful and a job creates a wonderful constant in your life when there are so many variables flying around with life in the military.
Rule #5: Don't be too cool for spouse clubs. They are a wonderful outlet for a group of women (and men) who are going through the same experience. You may end up doing a ton of arts and crafts but your husband will appreciate ANYTHING from you when he's out on deployment… especially if all of the other married guys are getting one too.
stay positive!!!! Know that everything will change and flex – and just roll with it. :)
as the spouse: write down what you love about your mate, and choose to remember those things when the military gets in the way of whatever schedule you had.
choose each other first whenever possible. That way, when the military calls and interrupts your plans, both parties can trust each other, knowing that you would be together if you could.
Above all – DO NOT glorify civilian life, and DO NOT exaggerate the struggles with the military. Neither side is perfect. At least most people recognize the difficulties presented by the military.
Enjoy the ride.
Choose your friends carefully – spend as little time as possible with with Life-bashers. (People who hate spouse/job/location/moving/weather/car/body/clothes…..life)
INVEST in your locale – make it home.
MOVE IN to your home – pick one item that symbolizes "home" and put it up first every time you move. (We chose our bedding since we moved 8 times in 6 years.)
Those are my tips!
Learn how to operate the commissary check out line. I had no idea what to do. A retiree gently explained I had broken in front of a bunch of people in line when I walked right up to a register (like I had done at every other civilian grocery store). I was mortified.
HAHAHA before I got married I was lucky enough to have a friend from my hometown I went to high school with already married to a soldier. This was one of the first things she told me before I had moved and I thought it was strange she would make that a priority on list of things I needed to know. The first time I went shopping I was SO grateful for the info!!
1. always have power of attorney
2. Set up a meeting with your new health insurance to learn all the rules and regulations. So many times I talk to newlyweds who have NO clue what their insurance covers and requires.
3. before deployments get a copy of his/her deployment orders with the Power of attorney. If he/she deploys and you lose your ID or so, they will not replace it without a copy of his orders because the Mil member is supposed to be with you.
4. Take advantage of programs designed for newlyweds on your base.
MOST IMPORTANTLY: Stand by your soldier. They don't want to go to the field so often, pull duty or be deployed either.
So I would also say start a file box for important documents. Fire proof box, better still a fire proof safe.
In it, put copies of the documents listed above.
Add the following:
1) Begin a list of everywhere you have lived for 5-10 yr and keep this updated. Many employers ask for background checks and you may be required to provide this history. I can't keep it all straight anymore, but no matter, I have a cheat sheet. Make sure you have a will, and advanced directive for you before deployment. Your service member may not be available to communicate your wishes right away if something happens to you.
2) Check out Fleet and family Services or Equivalent. They have a packet with useful info like how to contact AmCross if necessary. This was something I had to learn on the fly during deployment, not fun. Keep this info in the box. Also put the command's emergency info in the box. Put your spouse and at least one family member and friend as ICE contacts in your phone, realizing in an emergency they may not be able to get a hold of your spouse right away.
3) If you have pets, make sure you get pet references from each landlord in writing and put them in the box along with a copy of your pet's medical records. When you show up armed to the teeth with every shot, wellness check-up, and license, etc it becomes easier to find a place to live for you and your fur baby.
4) Keep a 3 day (minimum) supply of food, water, and medical supplies in case there is a natural disaster. FEMA usually takes a minimum of 3 days to mobilize and if/when there is a hurricane, etc your spouse may be called to work leaving you to manage holding down the fort or evacuation.
5) Get a tourist's guide to where ever you are living. You may be there only 18 mos, so it's important to explore and enjoy your new spot as much as possible.
6) Best advice I have gotten (via Neil deGrasse Tyson) which I will now butcher: You can have the career you want. It may not follow the most linear path. There may be many on-ramps and off-ramps, but always follow your passion and you will get to where you want to be.
7) Join a club, a gym, etc but get involved in local community activities. The fact of the matter is, you will have to start new friendships each place you live. Maybe you will click with the command's spouses, maybe you won't. Be open to finding new friends there and also in the greater community. One good friend is worth it's weight in gold.
8) Ignore drama queens/kings and people who tell you there is only one way to be a military spouse. Everyone does it differently. You don't have to fit someone else's mold.
I had it easy, I got married while I was in the Army, they did what they do best and told me what to do and when, however, it was a whole new world when I became just a spouse.
Learn their social security number, date of birth, and work phone. Yours doesn't matter anymore. :)
I completely forgot that there was a time I didn't have that stuff memorized. This is exactly the kind of tip I needed to be reminded of!
I've been married, oh five months now? Lol PCSing to Germany has been a rude wake up call. I feel like I could write a book on all the complicated things I've had to learn so far!
I just started my newly wed life with my air force hubby and we are going into our sixth month. I knew coming into the marriage he hated paperwork and having to read but I thought I could handle it. OMG I was extremely wrong. He got sent to Korea a month in and if it wasn't for his 1st Sargent being a woman and going through the same things with her husband a few year before and his small group of married friends I think I would have cracked under the pressure. Get a support system ready you will definitely need it.
I am a new MilSpouse(6 months in) and I think that the best way not to be a newlywed-iot is to be proactive. Seek the answers before they are needed. Try to always be one step ahead of the game and you won't feel like the military slapped you in the face every time you do anything. My husband spent our first few months of marriage in Basic Training and AIT. I spent that time learning as much as I could as quickly as I could. It totally paid off. Because of my proactive ways, When we received orders to Germany I got all my ducks in a row and will join my husband there in one month since I sent him off with all the necessary information. Its all about acting, not reacting. If you try your best you wont be left blind sided.