Although we are many years down the road of recovery from my husband’s severe 2006 war injury, we still think about the comments we received or have faced since then. There are just some things you should or shouldn’t say to a wounded warrior or his or her spouse. The truth is that sometimes when people try to offer advice or words that might help, it ends up being more hurtful than helpful.
If you are a part of the military community or close to many who are, you probably will come in contact with someone who has been injured or the family of an injured servicemember. Let me give you some advice on what shouldn’t and examples of what you can say istead to a wounded warrior or his family..
Don’t say: “At least he got to come home early!”
Do say: “I’m glad you get to see him – I’m so sorry that he has been hurt.”
I would have much rather had him stay in Iraq another six weeks than come home blown-up. We didn’t get the homecoming I was planning and excited for. I had to frantically fly to Walter Reed on military orders and see him broken and bruised lying in a hospital bed. It is not a great thing that he came home early. My husband always worried immensely about leaving his soldiers behind as he was medevaced out. He wanted to complete the tour with them and stand alongside them at their homecoming ceremony.
Don’t say: “Well he looks OK to me.”
Do say: “I hope he is doing better now.”
If a wounded warrior or his wife chooses to share their story with you listen to what is being said. They may share parts of their journey that are hard to recount. Don’t reply with “well he looks OK to me.” While the warrior may look OK because his clothing is covering his shredded leg, prosthetic or has invisible injuries, it doesn’t mean they are just fine.
Don’t say: “Well at least he has both his legs.”
Do say: “Wow, I am so glad that you were able to keep both of your legs, but I am sure you are still struggling with all the pain you go through daily.”
Despite his serious injury, my husband was lucky to be able to keep both of his legs through limb salvage. After learning that, we have had multiple people say to us “well at least he has both of his legs.” Yet while we are thankful every day that his legs were saved, those comments discount all the pain, surgeries and losses that he has experienced. Because he kept both of his legs he will never run again – if he was an amputee he might. A comment recognizing the pain and loss, but still noticing the fact that he was lucky enough to keep his legs would be appropriate and appreciated.
Don’t: Assume a warrior isn’t wounded.
Do: Include everyone. All wounded warriors – whether you can see their injury or not — might need the help or networking that you can offer.
We were hanging out with our amputee friends one day at the Soldier Family Assistance Center at Walter Reed. A Senator came in and was chatting with us. My husband was able to walk some at the time and the Senator looked at my husband and asked “are you relatives of one of the amputees?” I told the Senator that my husband was also a wounded warrior. He seemed shocked until he pulled up his shorts to show him his leg because my husband wasn’t missing a limb. The Senator continued to still to speak to our friends and not continue my husband is the conversation. When he started passing out his cards we had to request one.
Bottom line: be sensitive to the challenges wounded warriors and their caretakers have faced and are continuing to battle. Ask what you can do to make their journey easier. Are there any resources that you can share to help them in their recovery?
These families are going through the toughest times of their lives. A statement that is misspoken can really hurt the family during an already low point. We know that you mean well when you try to respond to our amazing stories of survival, but take a moment to think about your responses before you say them
Don’t know what to say? Just simply say “thank you for your service.” Simply saying “thank you” means a lot.
What would you add to this list?
Cheryl Ganser is the wife of a wounded soldier. In her words: “LIfe has been a series of ups and downs. I have waited on him to return from war, learned how to accept our new normal after injuries, processed grief, and made some of the most amazing friends because of our tragedy. Our story is one of love, loss, hope and perseverance.” Cheryl works for Operation Homefront’s Wounded Warrior Wives program.
About Guest Bloggers
Comments
Can you share any other suggestions of what to say?
Should we ask questions such as: what has been the most challenging, what surprised you the most, what have you found that has helped, etc…?
Hi Heidi, it depends. If the warrior is having a bad PTSD day he won't want a lot of questions. Those are great questions to ask on a good day. If the warrior seems put off with the first question don't keep asking more. My husband and I have always been an open book and were open to questions. But probing questions on a bad day just set him off more. You can always start out by say, "I have a few questions to ask, are you feeling up to answering today?" Thank you for asking!
Great advice. Thanks!
My husband hated being asked those types of questions. Mostly because everyone asked the same thing and because he doesn't want to talk about it. Depending on your relationship with the soldier, those questions may be better left unasked. Try to focus on positives for questions. Our favorite question was what's surprised you most since coming back home? or been the best part of coming home so far? Because his answers were always different and helped us focus on the positives no matter how bad the day had been.
I am a wife of a service connected disabled Soldier, and I tell you, just because he does not have any limbs missing does not mean he is not injured, but people only see physical abnormalities, my husband suffers from paralysis, spine and neck injuries and nerve damage. After he takes his meds, that would kill a horse, he can walk and drive and he looks like a normal person but he is not .
God bless this young hero and his family. I pray one day you will be strong and won't need to take those horrific meds. For the moment, I am grateful you have them available to you. Thank you for your service.
Wow. I read this an thought my ex-wife had written it. This describes my situation to a “T”. I am amazed that I’m not the only soldier with these issues. This give me hope that I’m not alone. I thank God I have all my limbs but wished they worked right and were not in pain. When people look at me they don’t “see” my injuries and expect me to have no problems.
Dont say Welcome Home…. They dont want to be home, they dont want to be home cause of the reason, they werent prepared to come home like usual. He also disliked people who didnt know he was a wounded warrior or injured soldier and they would ask " What did YOU do to yourself?" HE HATED THAT… He always answered I didnt do anything to myself, and they always look more confused and Id walk away laughing as he'd walk away pissed. It was tough! Now you cant see his injury… so we dont get ask.
All i can say is {Welcome Home} to all my comrades.
Welcome home is a tough one. Everyone wants to support the military and 'Welcome them home' because of how awful our returning vets from Vietnam were treated. However, the last thing I wanted to hear during the WTU inprocessing was 'Welcome Home'… because as Bianca said, I didn't want to be home yet. However, I thanked everyone for the welcome, but made sure I told them why I may have grimaced when they said those words. That way everyone gets educated to the power of their words. I knew they didn't mean harm, they were trying to be kind – even when it stung.
I think fellow co-workers shouldn’t down play the severity of one’s TBI or PTSD. We had a gal my husband worked for tell me that he shouldn’t be as bad as he’s acting and went into great details based on HER experiences. I felt he was being judged and looked down upon.
Wow. That speaks to the subtleties in a wounded warrior's transition into a workplace and whether or not it should be made known that they suffer from TBI or PTSD. This is the case with the civilian disabled population as well, it's hard to get accommodations (even for PTSD) if someone is reluctant to disclose the disability upon hire. This is a common debate amongst the workforce development professionals and particularly Vocational Rehabilitation Counselors that work with veterans after they're out and are utilizing their Title 31 benefits. I think it's something they have to work out by trial and error and adjust to the workplace stress (e.g. your husband's work environment)
I wish him the best and continued progress.
I agree! I actually suffered a TBI and people would constantly say “well you look fine why are you faking” or “you look ok are you milking the attention? ” meanwhile i was unable to sit at an electronic device with out getting horribly sick, find my shoes or barely dress myself. Just because you cant see it doesn’t mean they’re not suffering and having extreme challenges with daily activity.
TBI and PTSD (I call it PTSI for injury) are very difficult to put up with. My injury left me with seizures, severe headaches, paralysis on the right side, and speech difficulties. I also take handfuls of medications that moderate the symptoms but have their own serious side effects. But I have no visible scars or wounds so no one can tell just by looking. I don’t like questions or sympathy. Don’t treat me like someone broken or delicate. Just treat me like everyone else. And thank goodness for spellcheck!
I wouldn't want to be reminded of my injury everyday by people who think they're being sympathetic. The biggest thing I would want is to be treated as a normal human like everyone else, and as a person who can take care of myself without any special assistance. People need to stop feeling obligated to say such things as "thank you for your service" and unless they really mean it to just stay silent.
My husband also doesn't want to be seen as a wounded warrior. His co-workers didn't even know for years as his goal everyday is to get through the day without limping. Luckily most people are thankful for ya'lls service. I hope you are doing well and thanks for commenting!
Great advice! My son was injured by an IED in Afghanistan and thankfully he didn't lose any limbs. He did, however, have other major life altering injuries that aren't 'visible' and had to go thru emergency surgery while still in country.
Even while we were at Walter Reed there were some WORKERS at the hospital who even said 'I don't know why he's here, he's not an amputee'. Ignorance doesn't just come from outside the military community.
Thanks for taking the time to educate others!
Wow I can't believe that people at WRAMC said that. What a shame! I hope he is doing well now.
Just don’t go into a long disertation. A simple acknowledgement like “thank you”. As a viet vet we ddin’t get that acknowledgement and now everyone has to give the “thank you for your service” and it is embarassing. Just a simple “thanks”, maybe a smile, and handshake is all that is needed. If you have some common ground like a neighbor, you might ask if you can be of service to them sometime, but don’t push it. Don’t make it sound condescending, And, for God’s sake don’t stare at the visible wounds or show horror. A young child might do so, but not an adult. The wounded warrior knows all to well what his/her wounds are, so they don’t have to be reminded, that is the doctor’s job. Welcome Home is a vets greeting to another vet for it is an acknowledgement they have some idea from experience, a common ground. Just Don’t Push It. Our Wounded Warriors just want to live as strong and responsible as possible, like everyone else.
"Well you look fine."
I'm so tired of hearing that, just because I have to take off my t-shirt and shorts for you to see my scars doesn't mean I'm "fine."
"You are too young to be grunting/groaning getting up out of a chair."
Really? What do you know about me? You think just because you're 40+ you have any idea of the abuse I've put my body through? Yes, I volunteered. Yes, I'd do it again. No, I don't need or want your sympathy but don't try to be condescending. The worst are the former military guys/gals who did not spend time conducting line operations or especially the peace time veterans that had no injuries.
I even had a vet (support soldier) with the nerve to ask me, "Oh, did you get hurt in training?" Now there is nothing wrong with support soldiers and they have had their share of injured and dying, however I've never had a fellow grunt insult my injuries.
Amen, and God bless you!
Gulf Vet, USMC
Any ideas or tips for teaching kids what to say or how to act? We're at a post now that has one of the largest military hospitals in the nation, so we see a LOT of Wounded Warriors just around post: at the PX, the commissary, etc. I have a couple of boys who like to say hi to everyone, and I'm always nervous that they're going to say something hurtful to one of the heroes we encounter.
Holly that is a good question. My husbands top worry was that kids were going to see his leg and be afraid. Some of our amputee friends would make jokes about it to kids. They would say something like "I didn't eat my vegetables and my leg fell off." Or if a kid would ask why his leg was missing he would say "ahhh I had no idea it was missing!" They liked to joke about it. I think in the case with kids it is OK for them to ask what happened. The warrior usually knows the kids are just being curious or don't understand what happened. Maybe have a talk with them and say that there are some warriors that were injured by some bad guys and if you see them around don't stare you can either ask what happened or just smile and keep walking.
I am a 100% disabled VietNam veteran. . The United States of America owes me nothing. What I did, I did because I love my country. I would gladly give my life for it. When I came home from VietNam I was baby killer, a war monger, and people cursed and spat at me. All I wanted was a thank you. It took years for me to realize that the horror of war was not on the battlefield, but at home. The propoganda, revealed to the people, was designed to break thier will of freedom. Freedom is costly. It brings tears to my eyes to think how angry I was for America hating me, and others like me that give life and limb on a daily basis. I finally realized it was not anger but simply ignorance. I was ignorant to what other societies can do to destroy a way of life. And finally America has awoken to the real horror of war. You say, "thank you, for your service." And I say "thank you, for your support." " I am a small part of the greatest team on Earth and we will always be there for you." .
thank you for your service…thank you for your words…thank you for your heart!
I am a mother of 3 children who are in Afghanistan and although I might not have any idea……just what my kids tell me. I am very gratefu to all that have served!! Thank you from the bottom if my heart and God bless!
My husband’s an Iraq Vet, a former mortarman (grunt) in the USMC. I remember the day he told me a woman had called him a baby killer, how many times he was spit on, the blatant disrespect… I’m so sorry that anyone in our country has EVER treated our returning heros this way. You may not feel that you’re owed anything because you volunteered, but we as a people owe our heros more than the treatment you’ve received. Veterans and soldiers are the reason I can sleep peacefully, the reason I can raise my three daughters happy and healthy in a peaceful place. Thank you, because you don’t know how much your service really means to those who appreciate it.
I meet a number of wounded warriors when I council them on job interviewing techniques and I thank all of them for their service to their country during their country's time of need. My message to them is to focus on today and tomorrow. Don't focus on yesterday since its already history and none of us have the ability to change history. I also tell them I'm a business executive who gives his time gladly back to our nation's warriors since I'm a disabled vet from the Vietnam conflict with a 50% disability rating and I have some knowledge of what they're experiencing. They laugh when I tell them after all of these years that the most insensitive remark people make to me when they find out I'm a disabled vet is "Gee, you look and act normal" and my response is "I've had more years learning to be normal than I've had years not being normal." I realize in the eyes of people with no idea what it is like to be a military disabled vet, they are clueless as to what to say or how to act. Wounded warriors aren't freaks, they're normal human beings with life changing and life challenging experiences.
Cheryl I would like to say thank you for putting this out there. I have been struggling 43 yrs. My husband was shot in the brain lost his eye amongst other problems, he is actually 230% but of course that equals 100 in VA math…I can't believe some of the insane remarks made to me & him regarding his injury. The one that really sitcks out in my mind was "you should have told him to stay off the motorcycle". The first few times I heard remarks I let them go not to embarrass my husband but now in my 60's I politely take their arm and say can I talk to you a minute and they are not sure what I am about to say but I promise you those people now keep their sharp tongues and mouths closed and just say "thank you sir for your service."
Dick, thank you for your service and thank you for helping our vets.
As a combat veteran of the Vietnam WAR, I'm thanking you and as an American
citizen also.
PS My wife and I get into CONFLICTS every now and then.
I'm a disabled vet with neck and head injurys and I get it all the time. You look disabled or thank god your still walking. Some day my nerves in my hurt so bad that I want to rip someone's head off but I just tell them I'm thankful to be with my family and think about my kids. Even my wife doesn't understand what I'm going threw. The truth is I do it all over again. That's hard to here for some people but that's what we do . Thank you all for putting your life on the line for your country
Scares are not always visible…I love
a/live with a man who definitely has “scares” from September 11th as do our children…until you have walked in any of our shoes- simply say “thank you!”
Being that I injured my back when in the Army from 91 – 93 while serving in Somalia and thought it was my hip only to find out in 07 it was my disc and sciatic nerve along with a new denial of benefits from the VA because of when I got out they said I only stated that I had hip problems at which I had considered my pain to be hip and back as stated in TMC Clinic visits while in service. Even if you say o your exit f service paperwork only one then they deny for the other which was my back. I sucked it up and moved on because that's what a man does. __ I understand the issues our great soldiers who volunteer meaning that they volunteer to serve compared to so many people who don't understand what it is to be a soldier we have are going through from the injury perspective. Since 07 I've had numerous surgeries (4 plus stimulator implant) on my low back and am currently disabled and due to the Arachnoiditis pain I go through on a dialy basis which pales in comparison to the things our wounded soldiers have been through. I am using a implanted spinal cord stimulator and take methadone daily along with a list of other drugs so I know pain like there's no tomorrow. __
I am the Distriict Services Officer for VFW, sering Colorado Springs, Colorado and have spoken to and helped over 5000 Army Guys and many Navy Guys as well (Reservists). YOU need to APEAL the ruling you got from the VA! Only 30% of VA workers have ANY military experience themselves. YOU need to contact the State Services Officer, of your state and speak to him/her. THEN, get comments from buddies who knew your problem IN service and OUT and WHEN you found out the TRUE area of your back that causes your gried (I have the same pain and loss of sleep etc). VA WILL accept signed letters from your buds who give testimony to your issue. Make sure they put their NAMES, SSN,
Address, PH NUMERS and WHERE and WHEN and UNIT they were with you and send a COPY of that letter, NOT the original TO a VFW Advocate at the state VA Regional offc. NEVER give up EVER!
I've had people say to me "you look fine" or "it don't look like anything is wrong" but they fail to understand what the person is going through with pain, taking meds, lack of sleep, psychological issues and family issues and the list goes on, depression, delusions, etc. We could go on and on about it but that could take forever. I haven't worked in 2 yrs. As my father once told me, "don't judge a person by looking at them unless you've walked a mile in their shoes". I did have the pleasure of having surgery with one of the complex spine neurosurgeons who helped get the neurosurgical hospital up and running in Ballad, Iraq when it was determined that it was needed in the early 2000's after the US went to Iraq. He is now retired from the Air Force and practicing neurosurgery at the University of Nebraska Medical Center (UNMC Omaha) located in downtown Omaha, NE. He is a complex spine neurosurgeon often dealing with multiple levels and severe cases of neurological issues. He took what he had with me from my local hospital just leaving me to the wolves and almost dying with bacterial meningitis and fixed the problem my local neurosurgeon had denied several times existed
My husband is a wounded warrior and suffers from PTSD. He didn’t get out of the army by choice but because of his injuries. He has a very difficult time adjusting to civilian life even after 4 years he’s been out. He hates when ppl ask questions about his service and his injuries. NEVER EVER call them heroes. These soldiers were taken away from their troops and often times feel they abandoned them or blame themselves for their deaths. Just a thank u and don’t ask questions.
I DON'T FEEL I DID ENOUGH, I FEEL GUILTY BECAUSE I SERVIVED, WHILE OTHER YOUNG SOLDIERS I LEAD DIDN'T COME HOME. MY HEAND ARE BLOODY, BECAUSE AT AGE 37 I LEAD SOLDIERS AND ASSIGNED THEM TO WHERE THEY WERE KILLED, I AN STILL SERCHING TO FIND, WHERE I MADE THAT MISTAKE, I HAD NO OFFICER TO DO THE JOB OF ASSIGNING THE SOLDIERS THEIR POSITION, I WAS CALLED THE OLD MAN, OR TOON DADDY, THIS GUYS WERE THAT YOUNG, BUT SOLDIERS THEY WERE! WE LIVED FOR EACH OTHER AND SOME DIED FOR EACH OTHER I WAS TOUGH THEY SAID , BUT INSIDE I WAS LIKE JELLO, I WANTED TO CRY LIKE THEY DID, BUT I COULD NOT SHOW FEELINGS, THEY LOOKED UP TO ME, WHEN SOME FORMED FREINDSHIP, I HATED THIS BECAUSE WHEN ONE WAS HIT THE OTHER WOULD WANT TO STAY THERE TO HELP, I WAS THE TOUGH PSG THAT YELLED GET UP THERE WITH THE REST O THE TROOPS BEFORE ONE DIES BECAUSE YOUR ARE NOT THERE!.THE MEDICS WILL HELP HIM! AND AS HE LEFT I WIPPED THE TEARS OFF MY EYES THAT I HOPED HE DIDN'T SEE.
I WOULD NOT WISH WAR ON ANYONE. I HATE WAR! THEY THAT DIED THERE WILL ALWAY BE YOUNG, WHEN I SEE THEM AGAIN THE WON'T KNOW THIS OLD MAN. I AM ALSO 100% DISABLED 90% PHYSICAL AND 100% PTSD. PLEASE FOREGIVE ME. GOLD STARS.
Mr. Holmes and Mr. Garcia: God Bless you both and all who served in Vietnam.. We are now learning through the information available on You Tube and other sources what a horrendous war Vietnam was. You gave it your very best under the most horrid circumstances. I have tried to learn as much as possible about the Vietnam war. I wanted to know what my fiance suffered through since he kept most of that kind of information from me in our letters. I now know much about what he, as a grunt in the First Air Cavalry, went through daily. He managed to survive in country seven months. He was killed at the age of 21 near the Cambodian border on December 04, 1968. I know this much. as.for me….it was like yesterday. I am thankful that the public is now more informed about that war and you who fought and survived are finally getting your due recognition. I will visit his grave and tell him…
I think a bad thing to say is “It don’t look too bad, it could have been worst”, that just cheapens it all, it’s just like you’ve been stabbed and now they’re twisting the knife.
Dear Cheryl,
I have recently married a soldier at war in Afgahnistan.
He was on leave to come over to Australia to organise our wedding.
He was due here last Saturda 25th August. The plane he was on was diverted to Maylaysia. When I recieved an email from a doctor needing information on my husband and his fellow soldier that was also coming to my country to marry a friend of mine. We were planning a double wedding.
But since the car accident we have little infirmation.
Could you please explain Army Procols as im a new Military Wife dear.
We fear for health and their lives. We need to know what we are entitled yo kniw about our husbands. We are devastated and need some information on our husbands. We are stressed to the max not knowing how they are doing…….please can you reply asap to this mail, im desparate to find out about my husband and his friend fellow soldier as well
Thanking you kindly Sheryldine
Hi,
I am sorry to hear what happened. I got a call about 12 hours after my husband was wounded. Then they called when he was leaving Iraq, in Landsthul after surgeries and being removed off life support, and then when he left for Walter Reed and when he arrived. They will still pay him Active Duty pay while he is recovering and they should fly you to where he goes stateside. If you need anything else don't hesitate to ask. Well wishes being sent your way.
As a former COP and son of a Korean Teams Naval Vet, I know first hand of PTSD and the hidden wounds of our servicemembers. My best recommendation is simple I am so glad you are home, I love and care for you and continue to hold you and your family up in prayer.
Thanks,
Brad
Thanks for sharing Brad.
Great advice! I would like to add to it that when you come across a soldier who was not deployed, but is severely Injured doing his duty, it does NOT make his injuries, pain, and struggles LESS because he wasn’t deployed at te time of the injury. My husband was set to deploy to afganistan, but 2 days prior to movement, I had to have an emergency surgery. Command made him stay on Rear D because of me. Two weeks later, he was severely injured doing his duty. We have battled medical providers for a year now to get just the bare minimum of proper care for him. My husband will NEVER be 100% again. Being in Rear D does not make his Injury less severe just because he wasn’t deployed. The best thing anyone can do is offer RESPECT across the board because not all Injuries are visible on the outside.
Simply put we all fought for God, country and mom.
I wont even presume to speak for god.
There are more serving than protesting – so the country obviously finds the sacrifice noble.
Mom never has understood why , what or how we did/do what we did/do – but she still loves us.
If they ask or make stupid comments – educate them about it,,,with your HEAD HELD HIGH.
LCPL Mason 1st CEB 1st Mar Div , Task force Papa Bear – Persian Gulf
I HAD TO BURY MY SON FROM IRAQ. MY EX-WIFE said "well I'm glad it happened early so he didn't have to go through all the rest of the year"!What a stupid excuse of a human! I am 100% disabled Cpt, who flew helicopter gunships in RVN 68-69. I was shot down 6 times and flew over 1250 hours in country. I have days it hurts to even get out of bed, but I do for the guys I left behind that don't have that choice.i have been in therapy since 1997,and in 4 PTSD Hospitals. When I meet a Combat Vet, we know and don't need a bunch of words. Sometimes all it takes is a nod of the head, because we know what we went through in combat and coming home to a hateful nation,we can never forgive,so if you don't mean it, don't say it.We carry our wounds where you can't see them and need so many drugs just to function it would kill the average person!
CPT BRIAN REISS, USAR,RET. RVN 68-69. VIKING GUNSHIPS, SOC TRANG,RVN.
Wow that is horrible. I am so sorry you have to deal with that insensitivity during a horrible time in your life. Thank you for your service.
My heart goes out to all who served or are serving now. At our church, we pray for all soldiers and their families at every Mass. I am the wife of a WWII veteran. Enlisted at age 17 (lying about the age, because he loved his country.) Omaha Beach, Battle of the Bulge, winter in Korea, consultant in Vietnam- became a career soldier. Retired, made a new life and career, but always remained a soldier, loves the Army. Suffered from strokes and now has dementia. As caregiver, I see the places where he was hit by shrapnel. No one understands what these men suffered. The headaches, the dreams, the survivor guilt, when they saw their buddy shot and had to leave him on the battle field. None of this is service connected? These old guys sucked it up, they were raised to "be a man" don't complain." When they are old, it becomes too much to keep inside, too much baggage to carry. People stay away. But combat vets know – I don't know how they know, how they recognize each other. There is a mail carrier, who asks each time, how my husband is doing. One day he offered: I'm a vet, too. I have found out, long in civilian life, that there truly is a band of brothers, who recognize and care for each other, though they were strangers.
Thank you, vets, for the respect you give my husband. He may not know much anymore, but he still recognizes that.
Loris Edwards
My heart goes out to you as well.
As a former warrior in the Dutch forces i want to thank all the men and woman that serve now.
Also i would like to express my sincere admiration to the ones that come home early and in pain.
Admiration because despite their pain they do keep on living!
I can relate a little, because i too was injured in war, not physically, but mentally.
I grew over most of that, but the pain always lingers.
Don't treat unseen injuries as no injurie at all. Just because you can't see them doesn't mean the pain is not there!
The mental wounds were the hardest for my warrior. Take care.
What I hate to hear the most from people is….”well you knew what the chances were joining the military”. That right there is the most insensitive disrespectful thing to say to a wounded warrior or his family. Do people realize what the chances would be for our country if we didn’t have our military?
Oh yea we heard that one too.
I'm married to an active duty member who's served 21 years. We've only witnessed death sadly, not physical injuries, so thank you! I think even as a military spouse, you don't always know what to say, although some of the comments you mentioned, I would like to think are common sense no-no's. Having worked for many years in the medical field, we can't forget PTSD which has been mentioned, but I don't recall anybody talking about TBI – Traumatic Brain Injury which is a permanent condition that our service members have to learn to identify and conquer in their everyday lives. I've seen many of these and I think in some cases they are almost more difficult to overcome than a physical injury, so we cannot under-estimate any veterans the conditions they're being treated for. Shame on that congressman!
I agree, Lisa.
Thank you, to all the vets who have served, whether WWII like my grandfather, Vietnam/Korea like my dad, the Gulf War like many of my friends and family, or Afghanistan from the generation of our children.
Those who have never served will never fully understand what you all have gone through… the most we can do is to ask and learn, if we ourselves cannot serve.
May God bless the troops and their families and friends.
Perfect statement.
Any advice that someone can give me would be very much appreciated. I apologize in advance for any ignorance I may show in my wording as I am not a military wife nor do I know the military ways very well.
My son’s story is as follows. Some history: He joined the Army in May 2003 it was the proudest moment of our lives. He was so anxious to serve his country. After boot camp, he was sent to “catch up” to his assigned squadron and served about 3 months in Iraq. Once back stateside he was missing home and was a very vulnerable young man so much so that in early 2005 he was “talked into” into marrying a young girl that had gotten pregnant at 15. So at 21 he was married to a 16 year old with a 4 month old baby and a “bitch” of a mother-in-law; his “father-in-law” was in his squadron. For me this was bad enough but it is only the beginning of the story.
In the summer of 2005 he went to the post clinic for back pain from jumping out of planes and was prescribed pain medication. After taking the prescribed dose he experienced a rare side effect and had a seizure which caused him to fall from his porch and knock out a tooth. He went back to the clinic and was prescribed another medication – it turns out the second prescription was a “generic” form of the first medication. My son didn’t know anything about medications and trusted his “PA” – the PA never looked at my sons medical records to see the history he had had with the first medication; even after my son told him what had happened. Anyway, after taking the second medication he experienced another seizure this one while driving with his wife and son in the car. The car ran into a gas pump which exploded, my son’s wife and stepson were able to escape the car without injury but my son was still in the seizure and was not able to get out of the car on his own. A wonderful man that lived close by heard the calls for help and pulled him from the burning car. My son ended up with 25 to 30% of his body burned.
He spent 21 days in the burn unit of the local hospital in the burn unit. Once he was discharged he had to have his follow up appointments with the same PA that prescribed the second “generic” medication. He was not allowed to change PA’s – I never understood this. The accident happened on August 7th, 2005 in January 2006 he was shipped back to Iraq. Granted, he begged to be shipped out to meet up with this squadron – he felt guilty for staying home. He should never have been allowed to go. After getting infections and not being able to withstand the climate he was medevac back home only to find that in the eight weeks he was gone that his wife had cheated on him and was about a month pregnant with another man’s child. By mid-summer they were divorced and she had lost the baby. And in addition to all of this, that same summer, he lost both grandparents that he was very close to (my parents) with in a 4 month period.
Fast forward to today – 7 years after my son’s accident he is 100% service related disabled and is living on his own in our hometown. The local VA hospital is less than adequate to accommodate his needs. He suffers greatly from severe PTSD; he has severe nerve damage from the burns and is so angry. He is difficult to be around and has a very difficult time being in any kind of public setting. He takes his anger out on me, by screaming, hanging up the phone, etc., because he has no one else to talk to. He has tried counseling and has had numerous surgeries but nothing seems to help. I try to do what I can but I don’t know what to do. He tells me that he feels “ashamed” for not fighting to stay in Iraq with his squadron – for coming home and for not fighting to stay in the military. As hard as I try I don’t understand this – if he would have stayed he probably would have died from the infections. I do know that he was in some pretty awful situations while on both tours of Iraq that he will not talk about.
I try to encourage him to continue with counseling but he won’t. He says it hasn’t helped before so it won’t help now. I don’t believe he is suicidal but there are days that I worry about it. I need to know what to do to help him. My husband (my son’s step-father) isn’t much help as he thinks that my son should just “get over it”. He doesn’t make much effort to understand PTSD. My son’s father is in the picture but he isn’t much help either.
My son is only 28 years old and I don’t want to see him live the next 50+ years the way he is now. He wants so badly to meet someone, fall in love and have children but his anger keeps most people away. Does anyone have any suggestions for me?
I try to encourage him to continue with counseling but he won’t. He says it hasn’t helped before so it won’t help now. I don’t believe he is suicidal but there are days that I worry about it. I need to know what to do to help him. My husband (my son’s step-father) isn’t much help as he thinks that my son should just “get over it”. He doesn’t make much effort to understand PTSD. My son’s father is in the picture but he isn’t much help either.
My son is only 28 years old and I don’t want to see him live the next 50+ years the way he is now. He wants so badly to meet someone, fall in love and have children but his anger keeps most people away. Does anyone have any suggestions for me?
Wow I can’t get over that senator. I was also in your husbands shoes. I arrived to wramc nov 06. I heard about Tsgli, was told aw2 was gonna help. I went to see lady in office she looked down at my scared (complete) legs and told me I wasn’t injured enough. I believe after I met with one of the top 5 aw2 personnel she wasn’t seen around wramc since. Would love to know who your husband was. Feel free to email me.
Hi Jeremy, I wheeled my husband in to the AW2 office and he was casted on both his legs. They also told him he wasn't injured enough. I contacted General Cody and resolved that issue but I was shocked. My husband is Bryan Gansner and we left in Aug. 07. I'm sure we ran in to each other there.
I AM embarressed. I'm sitting In a comfortable chair, not just on it or propped up in it. I can't say I've served because I didn't really. Grand-pa was in the Navy, Father was a WWII Ranger, Father in law's a former Marine, one of my three sons is a SEAL and I worry every day about THAT phone call or those two uniforms coming up the driveway. I am proud beyond words of their service. I look at our wounded coming back now and I have NO complaints. My big problems in life are NOTHING compared to what they live with every day. We ARE thankful they served and still serve !! I can't thank you enough !! I don't have mcuh money to help with but I love to send it to the wounded warriors group, all I can do for now. Warriors, Heros, WE LOVE YOU. Yeah some of us are dumb about talkin' to ya, please bare with us. You are welcome at my campfire anytime.
"Wounded Warrior" – Vietnam Vets were just "Disabled". and they didn't even know about PTSD.
Don't tell him he's going to CBWTU-MA, the turmoil going on there is absolutely destroying the morale of the unit, which makes it extremely difficult to acomplish the mission of helping our Wounded Warriors!!!
It was never like this before!
Here’s another one -
Don’t say “I support our troops” unless you actively do something to support them. Simply say “I appreciate their sacrifice”.
Simply paying taxes and. Ot spitting on them when they return (but rather, benignly ignoring the needs their service has engendered, i.e., decent medical care for service-connected injury/illness, decent affordable housing when they return to civilian life, and most importantly – JOBS – and without resenting them for getting a job at the same pay you’ve gotten because YOU went to college whereas ThEy “only” went to war) isn’t really supporting them.
It’s more like “tolerating”them in your midst.
So don’t say it if you aren’t doing it. Just say “thanks” (but o ly if you REALLy mean it) and let it go at that. Otherwise, don’t say anything…and continue going about your business as if they weren’t there.
I’d rather you do that, than falsely claim “support”.
The invisible wounds lie deeper than the surface we see.
Go to the website @ http://www.yankeemedicrecords.com and watch the performance video for
"Endangered".
Thank you all for taking the time to read this article. It's not easy for any of us involved, but we are strong, resilient, and we're Americans(still means something I don't have to elaborate). One other comment if it's not already there, "Well, at least you're getting a check for your disabilities." There's not enough money to replace the things we will miss, when it comes to our families and enjoying what life has to offer. There's not enough money to replace the sleep lost due to managing pain and the side effects of medications. There's not enough money to replace the lost confidence and peace of mind that comes with carrying our own loads. We slowly work on gaining those things back and eventually come to terms with how different things will be and we know that affects everyone around us who depend on us, who love us, and who support us. Keep it positive! My situation could be worse and someone else always has it worse than I do. Sincerely appreciate all of the positive support this article intends to spur! Be good and "As you were!" TSgt J. Boling, USAF, (Medically) Retired
If a warrior is running along a rooftop chasing a terrorist sniper and falls 4 stories to the ground below, breaking his or her back and ends up paralyzed, and another warrior is shot on that rooftop by the terrorist they were chasing and recovers fully from a non-life-threatening through-and-through gunshot, guess which warrior is honored as a war hero and treated as a combat casualty? You got it! The guy who got shot and heals with only a small scar. He gets a Purple Heart, a combat action award for sure, and probably other decorations. His VA status after discharge is superior because he was wounded by enemy fire, giving him higher employment priority, disability pay, and healthcare benefits priority than the warrior who fell through the war-weakened roof and was crippled for life while doing the EXACT SAME JOB, at the same time, and in the same place.
Wounded, injured, etc….call it what you want to. A broken warrior from a combat deployment is a wounded warrior, and they ALL deserve the exact same treatment!
You are so right about this. I witnessed this unequal treatment 2 weeks ago at Walter Reed. A soldier was injured in Afghanistan because he jumped out of a helicopter into a hot zone and because of the dust stirred up by the blades, the pilot couldn't see how high above the ground the bird was. So the soldier's jump was like 20 feet onto hard rocky ground instead of 4-6 feet. The President was visiting the hospital and Navy brass came up with a list of wounded warriors for him to greet. The soldier was left off the list because the Navy said he wasn't injured in combat. Duh! He was arriving in the combat zone, never mind he was already risking his life being in the country at all. This soldier is a combat-wounded warrior as much as one who took a bullet. His recuperation is estimated at a year with lifelong after effects.
I see all the wife spouse comments and yet have never seen any from us male spouses of Women wounded warriors so I thinks it is time for me to speak up and join all you brave wives. Mine is even worse as it took me carrying my wife down three flights of steps steps when she became paralyzed on her left side in Germany after injuries in Afghanistan were misdiagnosed when she was medevaced back then returned to duty with tbi broken neck and back only to be punished and told to unload connexes because she was supposedly trying to get over getting back early from deployment. Three years later after all the surgeries many theropy sessions She was permanently retired 200% dissabled and we are still treated like step children because she has a service dog and sometimes has good days when she doesnt need her walking sticks so we are asked if she is blind if not we must leave because pets are not allowed even though he is in uniform and clearly identified as a service dog. So yes I agree we have lots of challenges as spouses of wounded warriors ours is jusr one.
I am so glad that you commented. I don't hear from many male caregivers of female wounded warriors. It is nice to hear your input.
Our Beloved Leader has just the "right" answer: He said soldiers should be required to buy insurance to cover whatever happens to them in combat.
The right answer for the Prez is to go to hell.
I think this is a great article and cogent advice! I am a double amputee from a car accident a year before the war started in earnest. I look the same age as many of the wounded warriors and because I am a military dependent often get lumped in with them and people assume that I lost my legs in Iraq. I have to be very careful how I handle that assumption because I respect the impact for those who did lose limbs in Iraq, but it doesn't negate the trauma I endured either. So I found the advice concerning "Well at least he still has both his legs" to be particularly insightful because the truth is, we all have our trials and not one of yours can be weighed against any of mine and vice versa. They can only be weighed against our own experiences and it would be nice if people could accept that! Best of luck to you and your husband!