When my husband and I PCSed from Yuma, Ariz. to the Pentagon, it was a welcome change. I’m a Chicago gal and was desperate for city life, a fat National Sunday paper to devour, hip neighbors, Hungarian, and Ethopian restaurants rather than Mexican food, and a skyline punctuated with what my daughter Helen called, “the big white pencil.”
I was also ready for a break from squadron life and the now (thankfully) defunct Key Volunteer network that drew the ire of military spouses, service members, and military leaders across all lines. I didn’t want to organize bunco’s, glammy cammy formal fundraisers, hit up local businesses for donations to our auction, host a spouse gathering or put together yet another call tree.
I wanted to be a civilian.
With the desert in our rear view mirror and two toddlers in tow, we sped across the country – itching for a new adventure in D.C. and secure in the knowledge that once we moved into our new house our neighbors would surely want to BBQ with us on Sundays. The moms in my daughter’s kindergarten class would definitely include me in their uber-serious book club (no Fifty Shades in that bunch …). We would read the Post on Sundays and fend off invitations to swank parties flush with important people.
But we soon discovered that the majority of the civilians didn’t want to be friends with us – not for lack of personality (I hope) but rather we were foreigners to them, and temporary ones at that.
“Bless your heart,” said one woman when I told her my husband was a Marine. “Is he over there?” she asked her eyes wide. She wrongly assumed, as many did, that he was kicking down doors in Fallujah with an M-16 slung over his shoulder.
The civilians, I discovered, despite being at the epicenter of our government and military, knew very little about the members of the military and how we fared over the last seven years of war.
And so I did what an impressive 81 percent of military spouses do – I volunteered. A startup non-profit called Blue Star Families needed a newsletter editor and I offered my services. Their goal was simple: connect the one percent who serve in the military with the civilian population while building strength and resilience among all ranks and branches.
“Voila’. That’s it!” I felt like shouting. That’s exactly what this country needs. Forget the posh parties, I needed to be a part of a movement to educate the 99 percent about what life was really like for today’s military families. I needed back in the fold of MilFams and spouses who could empathize with me, discuss PCSing, commissary woes, and Fifty Shades of Grey.
Blue Star Families is stronger today and has done impactful work, including their annual survey that each year reaches the desks of our military and national leaders. Books on Bases, Operation Appreciation, Blue Star Museums and spouse resume building tools are just a few programs that directly support military families across the nation. Oh and that volunteer gig eventually turned into a paying job.
Our tour in D.C. was short-lived and low and behold we found ourselves heading back to the ruggedly beautiful Yuma valley. No “big white pencil,” but MilSpouse friends and a brand new person called the “Family Readiness Officer” (FRO). She and I planned a whine and wine about a week after we moved in.
Read more about Blue Star Families from Molly over at Military.com/spouse.
Molly Blake is a freelance writer based out of Yuma, Az. interested in issues that affect military families including deployments, children’s education, spouse employment and others. She is also managing editor at Blue Star Families. Her work can be found on her website.
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I don't know if that's across-the-board accurate. As always, it depends on the people. Before my husband joined the military, we were employed as DoD civilians and our best friends were military and their spouses. Now that my husband has joined the military, my friends are still military. As civilians, my husband and I were always hanging out with military and their families because they were our co-workers, our neighbors, etc. I don't really know of a single civilian who would say that they didn't want to be friends with a military member or his/her spouse simply because of the affiliation with the military (and therefore, their "temporary" status). It seems more accurate to say that you make friends with the community that you land in, military or civilian, because that is natural.
Been there! Done that! We had DC (lived in Arlington) for 18 months. DC was hard for me! AND I'M FROM THERE!!!! (Granted, I hadn't lived there in 20 years, but still). I was able to find a job in three days! THREE DAYS! And yet, even with a fabulous rental house, the kids going to school a mile from the house, and my awesome job three stoplights from home, it was a tough assignment when it came to making friends and connecting with other spouses. After all, my hubby ran an office of 30 guys/gals, but only two were active duty guys … one Navy and one Marine … so I didn't even have another Army wife to connect with. There was such a HUGE disconnect with what my husband does and the life we lead when it came to meeting civilian mothers. I had a very difficult time making friends. All that said, I'd still go back. The food was amazing, I miss the Washington Post, and being 20 minutes (door to door) from the Kennedy Center certainly had its perks! :)
The Key Volunteer Network is defunct? Is that the same thing as the Key Spouse Program? If so, it is still alive and well and doing wonderful things to support the families of our deployed servicemen.
I too have found that civilian neighbors are somewhat wary to befriend us, not necessarily because of their political beliefs, but because they a) don't really understand the military lifestyle and b) know that we are only temporary. I think that most of them want to be supportive, but they just are not sure how to go about it. However, I must add that the last time we lived in a neighborhood of civilians, there was a huge number of people who genuinely thanked my husband for his service, which was very nice to hear. :)
We've been removed from a "normal" military life for 4 yrs now. It has been the most amazing experience for us. Living in a neighborhood, sending our child to a school that doesn't have another military child and making friends that have lived in the same house for 15 years, has given us a great gift to relax and enjoy the moments we have with them. I will say it was a struggle in the beginning to relearn how others live life, but now I'm actually dreading going back to a base.
Sorry you had a bad run of luck. I haven't had that experience. My civi-neighbors everywhere we have ever lived have been awesome. My current neighbor helps me with the yard work and the neighbor on the other side watches the house when I am out of town. My boss is awesome-sauce and has been really supportive, giving me time off when I need it, and someone to call if something goes wrong that I cannot fix. Heck, even my real estate agent and his friends who run the pest control and A/C companies help out.
One time my AC went out while I was helping my husband PCS and I got a phone call on the road from the pet sitter about it. I called the AC guy out (in the middle of a heat wave) and he fixed it within an hour without charging overtime rates.
I can't write off the civilian world. They have been far too good to me and supportive of myself and our little military family.
I've been a Navy wife for 17 years and the majority of my friends are civilians. You are right. They do not understand things about the military. I find people are curious and ask questions. I am happy to include them in our military journey. I have found throughout my time, however, that the milspouse community has not always been as welcoming. Enlisted wife for 11 years, no children, going to college and full time job was hard for many of the sub wives to handle. I would comments like "When are you going to have time for children if you are always so busy?" As an officer's wife (enlisted to LDO) I thought it would be different, but the first question at every new function at new location is "How many children do you have?" and then being excluded from events because I have none. I have great friends both from the civilian and military community. I believe that I have been lucky on the whole to have moved to so many fantastic places and met so many amazing humans.