Whether you are choosing to be child free your whole married life, or you are in the not-just-now category, your life will change when your friends start to have children.
My husband and I chose not to have children. Not that we don’t like children, it just wasn’t what we wanted for ourselves. I have learned over the years that many people, including myself, have difficulty when friends have babies. Its a little bit like the five stages of grief first introduced by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, but it has a better ending. Here is what I felt and what I wish I knew:
1. Denial: We are having so much fun, it will never change. Our first assignment was to a remote location in Alaska where we found lots of other newlywed couples all ready for what ever the Great North could bring. Let the good times roll! SInce the base was located so far away from town most of us didn’t work, our morning routine was running over to each other’s houses in the morning for coffee, hanging out, doing crafty things.
It was great. We not only had each other, we all had pets that filled out lives plus the husbands. I never thought they’d want or feel the need for a baby. I mean I didn’t, why would they? We had a good thing going.
What I wish I knew: You could go on thinking that way, Sonja, but know it will probably change at some point. Be prepared at least subconsciously.
2. Anger: How DARE they change “us!” One by one all of the others became pregnant, including my two closest friends. I was so mad! Was I not good enough or fun enough that they felt the need to bring another “person” into our mix? It would ruin everything! No more fun, no more running off and doing crazy things like looking for moose at 2am in the summer!
What I wish I knew: You will get past these feelings and life will resume pretty much as usual for a few months.
3. Sadness: I’m SO lonely. As my friends got bigger, I got depressed. I felt sorry for myself. I complained to my husband and would joke with some of them about it. I felt there would be a deep loss of friendship because when my civilian friends had married and had babies nothing was the same and I was left out. That “bundle of joy” took my friends and now I had to make a new friends or so I thought.
What I wish I knew: This is the time to reach out. It’s time to be bigger than yourself. If a friend is going through horrible morning sickness, cook dinner so she won’t have to smell it. Commit random acts of kindness. You will feel better.
4. Reorganization: If you can’t lick them, join them (not literally). As my friends had babies, I decided to change my attitude. It wasn’t easy and at times I was frustrated by the lack of women who wanted to go out and do something. It also gave me a chance to get to know some of the other women, especially those who had older children and a more flexible routine. I also decided to throw showers, help shop for baby clothes, and find other items needed. I mean, just because I didn’t want kids did not mean that I didn’t squeal with excitement when I saw cute baby clothes.
After the initial shock of the baby’s arrival and that time period when those new moms hibernate was over, it was time to reassess the situation. I wanted to see if a friendship could be renewed or was it over. Most of the time, my friends became real people again.
What I wish I knew: Be happy for them. This is an exciting time. If you can’t fake it til you make it, then stay away. I’ve found that if a friendship was strong to begin with, it will survive those formative all-they-do-is-eat-and-poop months. Remember to be generous. If a friend must cancel on you, don’t get mad. Ask if there is something you can do to help out. If not, then carry on with your plans alone. It can be hard at times but the payoff will be a solid friendship. If your friendship can’t be sustained, find new ones that are in a similar time of life you are or who’s children’s age enable them to be more flexible.
5. Acceptance – Moving up not moving on. While I have not kept up with all of the people who have had babies along the way. There are a few whom I remained close with and have become the “aunt.” Even moving doesn’t change the relationship. I have seen these children grow from infancy to adolescence and some, even now, to adulthood with pride and at times sadness. Helping them, when asked, with homework, shopping or advice. It’s been a wonderful way to be part of the bigger military family. These are the people that you chose for family, not the ones you were born with.
Sonja Rossow is an Air Force spouse stationed in Alabama. She recently completed her master’s degree with her thesis “Holding Down The Fort.”
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My husband and I always wanted 2 plus kids. We got married just a month before 9/11.
He was deployed 3 times and barely had time
To get me pregnant once and now we have a beautiful healthy girl… The problem is that all of my friends continued having more babies while my husband was providing them a safe environment to do so; meanwhile I stayed behind wishing to get pregnant again but the war took a toll on our relationship and his mental estate. Finally after 5 long years of working on our relationship we’re at a good place and wanting more babies, but now I’m 41 and much too old :(
It makes me angry and sad that I had to pay a high price while the rest of my friends cont with their plans, their husbands are still healthy and not broken from so many injuries from war and their jobs or careers were not interrupted while trying to hold the fort here at home.
I guess it’s hard to get over the fact that the war changed our lives and plans :(
If i was in that situation, i would be thankful enough for at least the one daughter you have. Some women are not able to have their own. Adoption is always a possibility as well, there are so many homeless children in this world.
You need to be thankful for what you do have, a little girl, a husband who is still alive and a marriage that has withstood many challenges. Your path was different than the path of your friends and we all have to accept that our lives may not follow our desired plan, but the lives we do create can give us just as much happiness and contentment as the life we dreamed of having.
Awesome post. Were a childfree by choice couple and when a friend of ours gets preggo its time to fade out for us. Its so difficult to be friends with new parents especially if you have no interest in having kids of your own and you don't care to feign interest in theirs. Which sounds terrible but there is just to big of a disconnect to continue to stay close friends. And youre right it almost feels deliberate. It really stinks cause its hard to find people who are of similar mind sets and have similar interests to hang out but at least we have each other ;)
That's too bad you feel that way. :( We had really great friends who we hung out with all the time before we had kids. We would go away for long weekends together, one or the other would make dinner a couple nights a week. We were all active duty at the time too. Then, we found out we were expecting our dd. We continued to hang out, do the same things we had always done for the most part, but once the baby arrived (just before Christmas) we saw them Christmas day and maybe once or twice more after that. It did make us a bit sad for a while, but we realized it was THEIR loss, not ours because we were so much more then just new parents, we were still that couple who liked going away for long weekends (just not as often), having dinner parties, etc. We never stopped being us, but they stopped being them. On the flip side, I had a wonderful friend who helped me survive my husbands second deployment. Her and her husband had been married only a year less then us, but had had difficulty getting pregnant, and had no children. Yet, she and even her husband fully excepted us for the family we were (2 kids and another came just before that deployment started), and us the family they were. We had plenty to offer each other friendship wise, and it was to not have to constantly talk about my kids, I could actually talk about something else!!! Just because we become parents doesn't me we cease being who we are, it's just an extension of who we are.
It does sound pretty terrible, actually. I'm 100% for those who are childfree by choice, and think the social expectation and pressure to reproduce is nonsense. But there's a difference between "kids aren't for me" and "I liked you until you contaminated yourself with children" and you're really giving off the latter vibe. Obviously, they're your friendships, and if you're content with them being this disposable, then no worries. But it might be an idea worth some examination.
When I'm with my friends, it's either talking about buying another baby rashies, or how big they've grown over the months. It's endless and it really makes me uncomfortable. I know I come off as bitter but I am really happy for them. I know I have to be more sensitive especially if their brains are still marinated with the pregnancy hormones.