Is it possible to “prepare” to stay married to a military member? Or do more military spouses need to prepare to be divorced? What if there was a quiz like this to sort you out:
Does your whole family look forward to deployment as a time of joy and peace?
Has your servicemember figured out how to have more than one wife on his DEERS form?
Do you just so happen to spit every time you say the name of your servicemember?
Did your servicemember deploy without telling you?
Did you fail to notice he or she was gone?
Is the last time you had sex … Geez, when was the last time you had sex?
If you haven’t guessed by now, this particular quiz isn’t one of those highly researched, reliable testing instruments. If you and your servicemember are living separate lives, never solve problems, never have sex and exhibit huge contempt for each other, you already know that you have problems without any stupid quiz.
So should you prepare for military divorce? Or is that just cold?
I read about divorce prep all the time. This week in USA Today, Hadley Malcom indicated divorce is the kind of thing you must plan rationally. Instead of hiring an attorney first, the article suggested that your first step toward divorce ought to be hiring a financial adviser. One of the women featured in the article had squirreled away $2,000 in a tampon box so she could pay her attorney’s retainer.
Other financial advisers concur. In a recent article, USAA certified financial planner June Walberg advised working out the finances of divorce before separation.
“When going through a divorce you need to know how the numbers shake out, so know what you can afford and what you can’t,” she says. “The numbers don’t lie.”
This bothers me a little. On one hand, preparing for military divorce sounds like really good advice. If your military marriage is ending, you have to be strong enough to take care of business. No use letting yourself hope that everything will get better magically. No need to go gentle into that bad night.
On the other hand, maybe preparing for divorce is just cold. Maybe it means that you aren’t spending your energy fixing the relationship.
Maybe I am too much of a hoper and a dreamer. I do see the logic of preparing for divorce when the writing is on the wall. Yet I rarely see marriages that have huge, dramatic indicators that a divorce is definitely in order. (If a marriage problem is that dramatic, we tend to write about it on SpouseBuzz.) Prepare now!
Instead, I have this feeling that military marriage is a lot like going up a slide backward. Sometimes no matter how hard you cling to the top, you keep sliding toward the bottom. Then again, sometimes when you think you are sliding to the bottom you can get a little toehold that sends you back to the top. It could go either way.
So I’m asking: Is it really possible to prepare to stay married? Or do military spouses really need one of these divorce plans and a box full of cash?
About Jacey Eckhart
Comments
I believe that if you go into a marriage with the idea that divorce is an option if things aren't going your way, then you have already doomed your marriage. I am amazed by the laid back attitude towards divorce. In my marriage, that word has never been used during an argument or flung out as a threat to prompt a change in behavior. We just don't say it, it's a bad word. I believe that my commitment gives me the strength I need to conquer many obstacles. Yes, there are circumstances such as abuse that warrant a divorce, but other types of issues can be dealt with. During the entire time of our marriage, my husband has been an active duty enlisted Marine and we celebrated our 23rd anniversary in June. I can't imagine life without him and he is the reason why I continue to deal with the challenges of life with a servicemember.
Consider yourself blessed concerning your marriage. Take into account that some who go into a marriage with what you spoke about the divorce factor, may not have had ideal marriage role models around while they were growing up. Yes, by all means, be amazed at the laid back attitude toward divorce but recognize that the attitude just didn't come out of nowhere.
I agree that you shouldn’t go into a marriage waiting for it to end. That is what i did. Not because i didn’t love my husband but because i had never seen a working marriage & on tv people get married & live happily ever after. It doesn’t show you how to deal with infidelity, compromising, kids & SO MUCH MORE. Our marriage is important to me & my husband so we are making things work, but i dont think there is anything wrong with preparing for the worst. I learned that from my single mother who raised 2 kids by herself.
I agree that you shouldn’t go into a marriage waiting for it to end. That is what i did. Not because i didn’t love my husband but because i had never seen a working marriage and on tv people get married and live happily ever after. It doesn’t show you how to deal with infidelity, compromising, kids and SO MUCH MORE. Our marriage is important to me and my husband so we are making things work, but i dont think there is anything wrong with preparing for the worst. I learned that from my single mother who raised 2 kids by herself.
Wow! Jacey, I always love reading your blogs because they are so thought-provoking. Marriage is hard–no doubt about it–and military marriage can exacerbate existing issues, but having a "back-up plan" seems to me to not truly be loving. Instead of preparing for divorce, the time and energy needs to be spent preparing ourselves for the reality of marriage. That time can be spent on learning about each other, what triggers the other and how to disagree in respectful, healthy ways. How to learn from each other and build on each others weaknesses because those things we fall in love with sometimes become the things that can frustrate us because they are different from us.
We say vows that we will be there for each other through thick and thin, but often we don't truly think about the thin…we imagine love can magically get us through it, when in fact often it is just the decision to keep with it that does it. We never know what the future will hold, but a divorce plan seems to negate the commitment we make to each other.
YES! I completely agree with you, Stacy. Honestly, the idea of a "back up plan" and preparing for divorce makes me SICK. I know that divorce happens and sometimes it is avoidable, but I HATE that so many people see it as an option even before they get married. You're right – people need to prepare themselves for the reality of marriage, especially a military marriage! My husband and I did pre-marital counseling and it was honestly the best thing we could've done. Doing that and going to counseling when you do need it is far better than saying "the heck with it" and just giving up.
Military marriages are NOT doomed. It takes work in any marriage and I believe that far too many people give up easily. I usually like reading the posts here, but I have to say that this one really just makes me sad and sick to my stomach.
Its smart to prepare for divorce in any marriage not just military. People seem to live in a fantasy land where death do us part is some sort of binding thing and if you try youre hardest you two will make it. Thats great but not always the case. The more up front you are about the lengths you'll go to save your marriage and how you would proceed with a separation/divorce the better. My husband and I have already talked about what we would do if one of us wanted to separate/divorce and how we would handle it. Marriage is just marriage not some magical fairy tale thing to us and we treat it as such.
I'm not feeling that your response is very hopeful, but you make me think of prenup agreements-aren't those intended to prepare for divorce even before the marriage begins?
Yes, they are. Because you never, ever, ever know what is going to happen in the future. If someone has a lot of assets going into a marriage it's their right to protect those assets. It's being SMART so if something does happen they are protected.
I agree with Rquick.
I talk to my husband about what would happen if we were to get a divorce. I also talk to him about what would happen if one of us were to die. I do not ever wish those things to happen to us, but at least both of us have a clear understanding of the future if it ever comes to that.
I believe the comments above have great ideals, but that it is based on the assumption that all people get married for the right reasons to begin with and try to work out their problems like adults once married. I'm a Marriage and Family therapist and I have sat with many people that I believe the best thing for them was to work through the best divorce possible, and if with children, best parenting plan to be supportive of their kids. I promote marriage, I promote problem solving, I support and hope that every marriage that sits before me can be successful, but reality shows me a different scenario. It's easy to judge others and to believe that people just jump into divorce when things become difficult, but that is not what I see. I see people that often get married too early, too quick, because "they have to", and so on. I see them struggling to overcome huge obstacles with limited skill sets. Add in military stressors, multiple moves, lack of family support. I believe in creating skills to communicate and be a better couple, but if you do not even want to see that other human being in your house, you are GLAD they are leaving for deployment and are seeking fulfillment outside of your marriage, it is time to make some decisions. Rational adult decisions with minimal harm to all parties. Then hopefully, next time, you will take better care in choosing a mate, get some premarital counseling to see strengths and weaknesses. Divorce is real and not always just giving up or a cop out. A divorce plan, a contingency plan, because you have supported your spouse through deployments and have no money of your own, I can see the appeal. i have not read the articles this one referenced so I really don't know if what they propose is something I would suggest as a professional. But to be at the place where one might make this decision sounds like the spouse is already out the door. And like I tell my military husband when we make an alternate just in case plan, it doesnt mean we use it, just means we are prepared if we need it.
Marriage is a commitment, not something to take lightly. If you do not take it seriously why get married? I mean what is the point besides benefits if you don't see it as a commitment to your spouse and the love you share?
I think a lot of younger couples get married for all the wrong reasons, and then end in divorce because they do not take marriage seriously. The first real step to becoming an adult, the fantasy of living on your own and playing house. If you are not strong enough, and mature enough the stresses of marriage, on top of the military life will eventually cause you to break…and sadly end in divorce.
Sure, we do have the option to divorce someone at anytime. But that does present a problem; it makes marriage seem practically worthless. It's as if those vows you spoke at the height of loving your spouse to be…worthless. You shouldn't have to see marriage as just one long contracted relationship. It's meant to be more.
We( my husband and I ) do not believe in divorce. That's just us. We will seek out all options to ensure our marriage remains strong. Take vacations, breaks, counseling…whatever to get it back. Jacey, I have to bring up your "Love is a Verb" post you made. I think more people should read that before stepping off into the divorce option.
Marriage IS hard. It can be tough at times, esp during separation periods. It is hard for both civy's and military. But if you go into marriage thinking you have a way out if things go bad take a step back and consider not getting married at all.
More power to you and husband for being able to endure and maintain your marriage. In the old days(my term for the previous century, the 20th) some churches had pre-marital counseling sessions to let a potential young couple know what they would be up against. I don't know if these sessions exist anymore.
I have heard the statement you used "I think a lot of younger couples get married for all the wrong reasons, and then end in divorce because they do not take marriage seriously." Don't misunderstand what I am about to say, this is an observation on my part. Married couples like yourself never outline exactly the "right reasons" to get married. The ministers in the church and society in general have never defined the "right reasons". They also have never defined the "wrong reasons."
Some live-in relationships or as they used to say common-law marriages or "shacking up" last longer than the traditional marriages. Case in point Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, but then again they may be the exception to the rule.
The Author if this article is advocating financial infidelity….the worst of the worst…akin to stealing…and should never be allowed to post such vial and illegal trash! So instead starting with an open & transparent…the writer assumes that lack of transparency appears suddenly due to infidelity of the active duty member. There are multiple factors leading to the "what if's" that the author supposes that suggest "cheating" etc. On the contrary, expectations of both during relationship further widen due to relationship roles & duties conflicts, stresses for A.D. member due to official & unofficial orders (found in group dynamics), combat and deployment stresses, spouse insistent with not PCSing with active duty member (to stay close to his/her friends/family), at home spouse creating debt (usually unknow to A.D. member until returns due to his/her "right" as compensation for "putting up with military life. Lastly at home spouses abuse of the Power of Attorney. Best solution is get out of marriage if it can't be worked out…not to screw your partner who you swore to love at the altar.
This is a crock subject. Don't get married if you need a back-up plan. How stupid.
I would be incline to agree that this is a crock subject, however two human beings are involved. So the subject is far from being a crock. When I was in the military and worked as a clerk in the squadron's office, I saw men who were tech sargeants in the Commander's office for spouse abuse issues. Reflecting back on that point in time circa 1975 to 1976, the miracle is that the military police did not have to keep statistics on homicides involving military spouses. Things are different now. Marriage is not like a pair of socks sold in K-Mart or Wal-Mart where "one size fits all."
bravo robertabbott!
BTW, I love the cowering child photo. Can't you show a stick or ball bat lying next to her for effect to go with the window?
The financial experts are not advocating a financial divorce plan for newlyweds. What they are saying is that when it is becoming evident to you that things are headed south, you need a financial plan before you need to rush to an attorney. And I think the readers are saying that you need to make a stop at a counselor first.
That may be the case, Jacey, but to me the it sounds like you're saying all military marriages are doomed. The quote you have is the only portion of this post that suggests people make a plan while they're in – or about to be in – a divorce. Saying "military marriage is a lot like going up a slide backward" suggests that we're all doomed. Marriage is hard. Military marriage can be even harder. That doesn't mean that everyone's marriage is "like going up a slide backward" and having a plan like that only suggests you're waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Oh no! My childhood is showing! I was the kind of kid who always went up the slide backwards. I kind of enjoyed the struggle. So I was trying to convey that you have to always work at marriage. But I can see how that image sounds like the marriage is doomed!! I think what we have here is my own weak metaphor at work and not an actual prediction of the success of military marriage. I'll do better next time.
Well apparently my ex had an exit strategy. She used POA to take out a $25K loan in my name while i was in Iraq. Not to mention killing my credit rating by not paying bills while i was downrange. All this after 24 yrs of marriage. I ended up getting slaughtered in the divorce settlement and giving up half my pension that she didn't deserve. At least our 3 kids are grown. However i recovered and am now quite happy and content and loving life and she's miserable…lol Karma is a wonderful thing sometimes!
My ex returned from down range put in his retirement without talking to me about it got another job overseas shiipped all our furniture and car as I was going to join him after the kids finished school. Before the school year finished I found out he was havng an affair he then changed his orders so I couldn't join him. Left me with five dollars in each account to take care of three people. I then went to JAG for help and receivd limited help due to his rank. I was married for 20 years he is now sick and she does not want to be with him anymore. I am not totally where I want to be it was hard trying to take care of 3 kids with very little but we have God and love in our lives so I know we are better of than he is today. I find comfort knowing that nothing last forever.
I see a lot of superficial judgment among the comments, but here is what I don't see:
1. people sometimes grow apart, rather than together, and military life can perpetuate this excessively with little true support-how does the spouse, who has learned to live without the service member and who gets a life outside of the household, whether thru groups, a job, volunteerism, whatever-how does the spouse who has learned to live solo and to find an identity, a sense of self worth, well-being, satisfaction, etc, learn how to once again live with the service member and rebuild what may have become a worn relationship? Relationships take work, as we all know, and the military life, PTSD, TBI, and any other personal baggage we bring to the relationship can all work against the relationship. Don't judge until you've cleaned your own house..
2. issues can arise that have nothing to do with why or when you got married in the first place. So everyone who is criticizing others and saying "well you shouldn't have gotten married in the first place" are not taking changes into account. The changes affecting relationships over the past 10 years, especially with today's OPTEMPO are very real and can have serious affects on couples. I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago, for example, and my husband struggles with the 'new me.' He wants the old me to some degree, the old me he knew before he spent most of the last 12 years gone.
I want him to learn to meet me where I'm at. It's all about compromises, but we can't deny the fact that, for some couples, divorce is truly the best choice (we're all aware of couples who break up who, though we may mourn the divorce, we know deep down that the divorce is best for all).
3. I think the idea of a "divorce plan" is kind of along the lines of couples who get a pre-nup in advance of the marriage, but the difference is in the timing. Someone looking for a divorce plan I would imagine are mostly those who may be seriously considering divorce in the first place.
4. young people who get married too soon are BY FAR NOT the only ones getting divorced. Couples who have been together for decades are splitting up for multitudes of reasons that superficial discussion can't really cover. Many reasons are complex, some are simple: abuse is abuse is abuse, and it's wrong. Depending on the person, infidelity can also be an immediate deal-breaker. Most other reasons are much more complex than this discussion has space for, and are not just a matter of 2 kids getting married too soon. I got married the first time at 28yo. I remarried at 30 and it's no picnic-it's work, but we've got 15 years together. Relationships can be so complex. We can't minimize them to the superficial focus of some of these comments.
Marriage is a wonderful ministry in itself. I must agree with robertabbott in that, prior to marriage the couple receive counseling via the church. You may think of it as old fashion or behind time, however, my Pastor will not perform the ceremony without prior counseling. We must understand and respect the order of things as it relates to being as one (a union). Overall, marriage is by in large a Holy Institution, not to be entered into lightly.
My grandmother (married 53 years to the best man I've ever known) always told me this: go into a marriage with the idea that you will work every day to love, respect, and support one another, BUT do not go into the marriage with someone you couldn't respectfully part ways with. Meaning, if you do not respect the person before you say your vows, if that day ever comes (cheating or addiction – the only two reasons that divorce should be an option, in most situations) you can at least part ways with love and respect. I know that my husband, who I love and respect immensely, and I both signed up for forever. But I also know that in that remotest of situations where forever isn't an option, I respect him enough to go our separate ways in a cordial and loving way.
My parents are divorced (and have both been remarried over 20 years) and they did this. I can't remember a single instance where they spoke ill of one another or where they were anything but respectful. As an adult, I know the reason for their divorce, but I can vividly recall how actively respectful they were while divorced and co-parenting. I think THAT is just as important as a rolemodel for a lifelong marriage.
That said, I agree that one should not enter into marriage with a "plan" for it to end. But I also understand that sometimes they do, and it's OK to at least know how you would protect yourself financially, care for your kids, and make sure you could co-parent successfully. Those are important considerations – and can help in the case of death or serious illness – also HUGE considerations for military couples. I don't think having that thought-out plan is dangerous to a marriage so long as it is discussed openly and with the intent of never using it (like a living will or health care directive – you need it, but hope to never, EVER use it.)
Well said. That is exactly what I mean by my husband and I talk about divorce. We talk about everything. Why would the subject of divorce be any different? There is no concrete plan of action, but we have an understanding that if we do part ways he knows that I can do it respectfully and vice versa.
As an experinced Military spouse Yes always be prepared for whatever comes your way! No one knows what tommorrow will bring so Yes!!
without preparation you have no plans so one should always be prepared like going on a Deployment Rediness !!