Just a few months ago, I was 22 years old. Fueled by coffee and the exhilaration that comes with spring semester of senior year, I was staying up as late as 3 a.m. to edit my college newspaper.
Now, I’m tapped out and ready for bed around 10 p.m. A certain someone is stalling and it’s past bedtime. A certain teenager wants to stay up late and talk to us–and I know you don’t just let those opportunities pass by. Ever since I married my Army husband (and his kids) I feel like I’m at least 32. Maybe more.
It’s weird. It seems that becoming a wife and a stepmom and moving halfway across the country and handling the whole I’m-not-living-with-my-parents-anymore-and-I-have-to-figure-out-this-household-managing-thing while preparing for graduate school will do that to you. All while not-so-patiently waiting for your home state to update your driver’s license so you can hopefully be enrolled in DEERS some time within the next year. Or three. Remember the “Life Comes At You Fast” insurance campaign? It feels more like life sped past and I’m trying to catch up.
Meanwhile, my friends from my home state are on different paths. I worried that I’d be a black sheep with the other military wives—not old enough to share parenting stories with other women, but definitely not about to stay out late on a weeknight (or any night, quite frankly—the weekends are for catching up on sleep).
Plus, there’s the fact that we don’t live on post—I was worried that I wouldn’t make friends my age. I worried I wouldn’t make friends who understood the whole stepmotherhood thing. I worried I wouldn’t make friends my age who could also understand the whole stepmotherhood thing. …
Yet in the two months been married to my soldier, I’ve come to realize something very important: it really doesn’t matter. Age. Parental status. I’ve befriended some really amazing people from all across the country already.
It doesn’t matter that we don’t have the exact same life experiences. We live in the same area and we go to the same chapel. Our spouses serve in the same military branch. We share stories and advice and offer help and grow closer, and I learn so much. The majority of my friends are a good decade older than me. When it comes down to it, it really seems irrelevant. Because between military marriage and stepmotherhood, I think I’ve aged at least a decade. Really.
Elizabeth Rains is an Army spouse currently stationed in Killeen, Texas. She is 22 and her oldest stepson is 15, while the youngest is 11. ”My husband has visitation,” said Elizabeth. ”Now that we’re so far away, we only see them during summer vacation, but we are grateful for all of the time we have!”
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I'm a stepmother and military spouse in my early 40s, with two ex wives and two teen aged stepdaughters from two different states. The drama seems endless. Fortunately, it isnt my drama. Fantastic parenting plans, automatic payment of child support, emails instead of phone calls with exwives, saved my marriage and sanity. Teamwork at our home with rules and respect, me trying NOT to be a parent to them, and very good self care. The most annoying part about it all is not the stepparenting gig itself, but when I do go to military functions, my experience is different. When asked if I have kids and I say no and they find out I have step children, they often say "well, you have kids". But hello, I do not. I am not their mothers nor do I try and replace them. I do not have kids. I love his kids and support him in his relationships while creating a relationship with them as well. But they are not my children. I think everyone views their role as stepparent differently. I am clear on mine and have been rewarded for not being the imposing annoying stepmother. Good luck on your journey.
I'm a stepmom to an 8y/o, and while I try not to mother him, it's the nature of the beast. He's known me as long as he's known his father and he's lived with us on and off, so while he's with us, I am the evil stepmom (not really, but it's easier for kids with a difficult home life to blame stepparents and make them "pay" for it all…) when people ask me if I have kids, I tend to say 2 1/2 – my two bio kids and my stepson.
It's a rough trip and when we're young and get into this we tend to try and be the knight in shiny armor who rides in and saves the day, especially if the biomom is less than stellar, only to find out that none if the involved WANT to be rescued and instead are rather upset over us for even trying. I have since learned to roll with the punches. I can't change who he is and how he acts in general, I just can drive home how he is expected to behave when in MY house.
Back to the topic in hand, we as a community are so diverse, it doesn't matter how old (or young) you are, whether you have kids on your own or not, or what you look like. Welcome to the wonderful life of ours, hope yours will be a smooth ride :)
Terri and Petra, thanks so much for sharing your experiences and your advice! It can definitely be a challenge at times, but I'm learning so much and it really is a blessing. And, I agree–the diversity of the community really does help. :)