Sometimes a single tragedy reveals the things we worry about in silence. This week 22-month-old Tamryn Klapheke died of malnutrition and dehydration at her Dyess Air Force Base home during her father’s deployment. Her mother Tiffany Klapheke, 21, is jailed facing three felony counts of injury to a child. A donation fund for the surviving sisters Taber Lee, 3, and Tatum, six months, has already been set up online by the stepgrandmother.
More than 200 readers commented on the story SpouseBuzz in just 24 hours. Managing Editor Amy Bushatz and I were struck by the themes that came up again and again in the readers comments.
This story resonated with our female readers. Only four respondents of the first 208 revealed that they were male. Again and again, female readers remembered their own deployments and how very lonely and isolating that experience can be.
Yet our readers were torn. On one hand, the readers expressed concern for the toddler, the sisters and the father of the child. Many had compassion mixed with vexation for the 21-year-old mom who already had three kids.
On the other hand military spouses expressed a strong value for protecting our children no matter the circumstances. We have a zero tolerance policy toward letting our children down. Della, a Marine wife of 20+ years, wrote, “When our military men are gone, we find the strength needed to first take care of our children … and then things @ home … long before we consider ourselves. That’s a Military Wife!”
But just pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps doesn’t always work. In dealing with troubled families like the Klaphekes, our readers came up with five important ideas we want to share with you.
1. Military life is a choice. Readers agreed that there are many resources available to spouses in military life. You have to have enough willpower to seek that help yourself. Many readers concurred with Mel who wrote, “No one is obligated to make sure that you can get through your day. No one is obligated to carry your load when you need a break … we all have challenges to overcome and we all have a responsibility to ourselves and to those we love to be the best we can be.”
2. Chronic depression makes getting help difficult. Many readers mentioned that they, too, had suffered from depression — the kind that makes it hard to see that anything could help. Ann Erik noted, “Severe chronic depression can be just as debilitating as a physical injury. Maybe even more as it affects your motivation, judgment, and ability to organize your thoughts. For a person suffering from severe depression, figuring out who to contact for help can seem like climbing a mountain.”
3. The current system doesn’t work perfectly. Even with all of the programs and services available to military families, many readers said that the system doesn’t work the way it is now and that too many people fall through the cracks. Readers said that they efficacy of the system depended on the individual command. One of the most common responses was, “I haven’t been contacted once.” Only one Navy wife did say that she got consistent calls from the “IA Lady” who she said was “her angel.’ (So good on you IA Lady, whoever you are.)
4. People who need services most do not use them. The most troubling theme we read was from the many helping professionals and command team members who responded to the story. They expressed frustration at the fact that they have so much to offer, but that people don’t use the services because a) individuals are not capable of identifying what they need; b) individuals are deliberately hiding a problem due to pride or fear; and/or c) some service members do not want their families within the scope of the command. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink — without overstepping his right to privacy.
5. Not enough volunteers step forward. Some readers pointed out how much the command already has to do before and during without being expected to individually seek out family members. Some thought that those who wanted someone to call them should step forward and be the callers themselves. Said Lane, “Wives/spouses don’t want to get involved because of all the back-biting and rumor mills. Senior spouses (like me) are done trying and there is the occasional husband who doesn’t give his wife’s info. You cannot force people to attend, even though some would benefit. To blame this family’s unit is insane.”
Agreed. And to ignore the needs of our own is not part of the military ethos. There is not an easy answer to the Klapheke tragedy. Nothing we say will bring back that 22-month-old child.
Yet I can’t help but see in these letters from our readers that we military families are indeed a community. We fight the good fight. We think through old solutions and think up new solutions. We keep working toward a time in which all spouses are competent. All servicemembers come home. All babies sleep peacefully in their beds at night — warm, dry, happy, safe.
About Jacey Eckhart
Comments
We do need to support each other and the milspouse community is really working hard to create a supportive community. The internet and forums like this are contributing to the achievement of this, but we still have a long way to go. No matter how much we say that we need to support each other there is still this undercurrent of negative stereotyping, rankism between spouses, ridicule and bitterness towards the military and those practices eventually create a wall between "us and them". How can we unite if we don't take the time to get to know the human beings with whom we have this bond of shared experiences? We are missing out on meeting some great people when we operate on assumptions. The climate of the milspouse community needs to change. When a Corporal's wife can say with pride that her husband is a Corporal instead of saying he is "just a Corporal" then we'll know that we are moving in the right direction.
well-stated mel. I've been in the Army community for over 20 years, as a soldier and an army wife. I've avoided army wife circles like the plague for good reason. Friendships are supposed to contribute to your life, not take away from it.
From point #5, sometimes the senior spouses have their own demons to deal with and they are all alone to handle everything because their husbands are busy taking care of everyone else's wives.
You cannot depend on command to do everything for you.
Help needs to come from the community.
If you know a spouse in need, reach out to them. You don't have to try to fix everyone's problems. Just help that one. If we all did that, imagine how much stronger our community would be
Shee – Couldn’t agree more! Your statement about senior spouses ‘having their own demons’ with their husbands’ preoccupation with regular work and everyone else’s grievances is right on. Everyone has problems, but what seems like a huge deal to one can be very minimal in the grand scheme of things. This particular case is a huge deal, and hopefully people will take a closer look at what they are doing in their own units to make their community stronger.
Another concern to that effect is the stigma that officers often fear will follow them or negatively impact their progression through their career path, thereby impacting providing for their families and their units.
I don't know when we became such a nation of "sissies" who can't seem to take responsibility for themselves. I get a speeding ticket, I pay the consequences. I break a glass, I clean it up. I make a mistake, I apologize and make it right and most importantly MOVE FORWARD instead of wallow in the guilt. This whole "woe is me" notion has never been popular in the military and, based on much of the feedback we've seen here, it never will.
Pick yourself up [whether it's through your own volition or asking for help], brush yourself off and show your family that there is a way to work through the complications of life. Prayer, faith, fellowship and community are among the best cures for what ails our country and that circle of people who find themselves in a dark place in their lives. I pray that they open their hearts and minds and find the support that they seek. I pray that the walls of their hearts will be let down so that they can get the help they need inside the walls of their homes! I pray that each of us who have been moved to respond to this article will be moved to respond to a spouse or family we see in need! God Bless all and God Bless America! :)
If I didn't learn anything else from being raised in a military family and being a military spouse..I learned that I need to learn to do things for myself to feel empowered. The more empowered you feel, the more likely you are to be able to cope AND to feel comfortable requesting help when you need it. Why? Because you will recognize your limitations as well as your strengths and the more strengths you have makes you feel less helpless when there is something you are not equipped to handle.
Sounds easy, but I know it's not easy to reach that place..it's not easy but it is doable. Learn to do the small repairs around your home, learn how to do the small repairs and checks on your own vehicle, learn to barbeque, learn how to enjoy at least one thing your kids enjoy for no other reason than it's important to them (and yes moms that means video games with your sons if that's something they love to do), take assertiveness training, take parenting classes, volunteer at soup kitchens/homeless shelters/red cross/airman's aide society/navy relief/etc., start journaling, join a book club, audit some classes at a local college, get involved in your child's school, vow to learn at least one new thing for every two months your spouse is away. And always try to remember..no matter how hard we have it at home (and we do have it hard at times) we still have it 1000x easier than they do. We sleep in our own beds, eat at our own tables, kiss our kids, hold our dogs, share dinner and laughter with friends, we can jump in the car and take the kids to the park/zoo/beach/mountains without a hassle, we can watch what we want on our televisions, take showers that last longer than two minutes, in short..we get to enjoy all the comforts of home, while they get none of that. I see my main job as a military spouse as keeping our home on as even a keel as possible, smiling when we get to talk, bolstering HIS spirits..in short I'm here to make it easier for him to be there so that he and those he's serving with, come home in one piece. I knew that was my job well before I said "I Do" and to the best of my ability I do my job proudly so that he can do his safely.
When I read about this incident it broke my heart that this woman let her child die and until recently I couldn't even begin to fathom how anyone could let this happen to their child. But just this week I have been on my own journey to find help for my mild depression. My PCM didn't offer any help after I declined medication and said I wanted to talk to someone first. Instead I was left to my own devices to figure out how to get the help I needed, and as one commenter so beautifully stated in the last article's comments, with depression what seems like a simple task can be like climbing a mountain. It has taken me a lot longer than it should have to even call the necessary numbers to try and figure out what kind of provider I should even see because I know that I am eligible to see someone without a referral. The thing is, I KNOW that there is help out there, the fact is GETTING the help is an entirely different story. Luckily my husband is here to help me make phone calls and give me support and I have friends who have also battled depression to support me along the way, but it doesn't make navigating the system any easier. It still leaves me in tears and I'm still looking for someone to talk to. I will get there, but this is just with MILD depression. Just admitting I needed help was HUGE, so I can't even imagine what that woman was going through. I'm just sad that her friend that helped her not commit suicide didn't do anything to further help her kids who were obviously in need.
http://www.militaryonesource.mil/MOS/f?p=MOS:HOME… 1.800.342.9647
call them. They will ask you a lot of questions and give you phone numbers to covered providers who can help. My counselor has never pushed meds on me.
First, if you are not happy with what your PCM says, you can contact Patient Advocacy within the base clinic. They can assists you and help you get the information you need. Also, you can contact your spouses First Shirt, they should have a list of people you can contact for counseling and it’s non reportive. Anything you say to this person, cannot be repeated to anyone. There’s usually 3 or 4 different services to chose between. Also, there should be no out of pocket cost to you. Militaryonesource may very from base to base, it wouldn’t hurt to try them in your area. http://Www.tricare.mil/mentalhealth gives you info also. Sometimes the link works, sometimes not. Not sure what region you are in, but I hope this info helps. TRICARE North Region
Health Net Federal Services, LLC 1-877-TRICARE (1-877-874-2273) http://www.hnfs.com. Tricare South Region Humana Military Healthcare Services, Inc. 1-800-444-5445 http://www.humana-military.com Behavioral Health 1-800-700-8646. TRICARE West Region TriWest Healthcare Alliance Corp.
1-888-TRIWEST (1-888-874-9378) http://www.triwest.com TriWest Behavioral Health Crisis Line 1-866-284-3743.
You hit the nail on the head. I'm so sorry you're going through this. But yes, exactly. My own mild depression was a wake up call to me as well. Navigating the system finding your way through "ALL THE PROGRAMS" is overwhelming. and what works for one person doesn't work out as well for another. We can't yell at spouses for not finding their way through that maze in the midst of a major depression. We can't yell at resource providers for not tracking down everyone who needs them either.
Keep pushing through the grey haze until you find what you need. You are not alone and you can feel better.
I am glad that you decided to follow up on the original article. I was actually quite surprised by some of the recurring themes. Most shocking was how quickly people overlooked the topic at hand to relate their own experiences. The same compassion that they said was lacking in others they failed to show. Instead of giving their attention toward the affected family there were quick one liners and then the all important BUT, focusing on how the situation related to them. Empathy is good, but selfishness is not and I read so much of that. I am genuinely sorry for this family, and I am also sorry for my generation. If this is the best that we have to offer to the world then good luck to us all.
#2 is a big thing.
After my son was born I began going into a downwards spiral of depression then to full fledged PPD.I honestly did not know how bad it was because everyone around me said you get the 'baby blues' after having a child. I was only 22, young and hubs was always working. I brushed it off for a few months until the point where after a hard day , son colicky and my nerves shot I found myself in my bathroom with a handful pills contemplating suicide. If it was not for my MIL coming over that day I can say for certain I would not be here today. She knew something was wrong, and helped me so much I cannot even express how grateful I am to her. I got help through my Dr and with the help of friends and family I overcame it. I was not a MILSpouse at the time, just a civilian.
I am not condoning what this mother did. Not at all. But I can relate, in a way, with the depression aspect. It can be difficult, and it can bring you to do things you would never do. Depression is a sickness that takes long to cure. There probably were signs she was showing of how depressed she was. I know some people do not want to meddle in other peoples lives, and that is a big thing in our community because it can either be taken gratefully or it can be taken as an insult.
I feel so much for this family, for the wee one who lost her life, and the siblings. I feel for the father who has to hear this downrange. It is a terrible situation all around. I think after reading all this, reading the comments on the last article I will volunteer my time to help other wives who might not know who to turn to, or how to get help.
Also please remember that the Chaplin is the only one who will not report anything to the command unless there is neglect & abuse. Please remember they are there to help & guide you when you need the help.
I had a horrible experience with my FRG in my husband’s unit. The rumors, the backbiting. I quit going to the meetings because nothing ever got accomplished. I had an eight-year-old son to take care of. I held myself together, and then our church helped us with community and involvement. I credit them. The one time I asked the FRG leader for help with some tickets to a theme park, I got a call, yelled at because she had three kids in school and didn’t have time to chase down petty things like theme park tickets, and my husband made enough money overseas and I made plenty at my job, why did I need free tickets? It ended in an argument with me emailing someone over her head. Big mistake. HER husband was a Lieutenant, mine a Specialist. Her husband yanked mine into his office at Victory in Iraq and told him to keep his wife in line, or he would see the consequences there. That was the first phone call I got from my husband, who wearily asked me to just let it go. I was livid, and stopped going to meetings, just gave money whenever they asked for it for events. I wasn’t the only one who left, either. My cohorts and I formed the “Island of Misfit Wives” and supported each other. My church stepped in to help, and then, before I knew it, they were home. My husband didn’t re-enlist. We were happier that way.
I can see how Tiffany would feel isolated. I was away from my family, almost 2,000 miles north, and there were weeks during the dark winter months when nobody came to check on me, nobody called, and I only emailed my husband. It would have been easy to slip through the cracks and into oblivion. Military wives can be wonderfully supportive of each other, or they can make your life and your deployed husband’s hell.
There has been additional information put out about this case. It appears that many of our assumptions about the lack of command involvement , bad family readiness groups and a community of uncaring military spouses are not fully to blame. It appears that this is a case about a woman who was a bad mother who didn't care about her children and she tried to blame everyone else for the mess she is now in.
http://www.reporternews.com/news/2012/oct/19/dyes…
http://www.mysanantonio.com/news/texas/article/De…