In July, 2011 the President and DoD officials certified that the military was ready to end the policy known as Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell (DADT). As agreed with Congress, the certification started a 60 day “waiting period” to end the ban on gays and lesbians serving openly in the military. Day 60 was September 20th, 2011.
On Day 60 I became a military spouse. We all waited with great anticipation for Day 60, but my thoughts were on the days after repeal. I didn’t know what to expect on day 61.
My new life was filled with unknowns. I can only imagine that my angst might have been like what many of you felt the very first time you got a set of PCS orders and reported to a military post. Would I be welcome as a military spouse? Would it matter what my husband/wife’s rank was, or what kind of work they did? Would anyone help me understand about military life?
Looking back a year later, Day 61 was both exhilarating and frightening. It was exhilarating because we are so proud of our servicemembers. Finally, on September 20th they could lace up their boots, square their shoulders and their headgear, and walk out the front door of the home they shared with a same-sex partner. No longer would they fear that someone would “out” them to end their service.
It was also frightening because we, as gay military families, could also step out of the shadows without fear of “outing” our partners. But unlike a gay servicemember, we didn’t have a safety net or a single point of reference for that first step. In the back of our minds we were asking, just like you asked during that first PCS … Would I be welcome as a military spouse?
The answer to that question turned out to be a firm and resounding “Yes!”
Military Partners and Families Coalition (MPFC) hosted a “Beyond 61” reception at the Women’s Military Memorial in Washington DC to recognize gay military partners and families. It took great effort to stay hidden under DADT and we were good at it. We realized we would need to put effort behind connecting to each other as well as to connecting with the military community.
We reached out to military organizations and without hesitation they reached back. The National Military Family Association (NMFA) and Blue Star Families attended the reception and resolutely offered support. There was no indecision. Military families support military families; and the support didn’t stop there.
Even more organizations eagerly turned out in May 2012 at the OutServe “Family Matters” summit. The NMFA, Blue Star Families, T.A.P.S, Red Cross, Hiring Our Heroes, Give-an-Hour, and National Guard Association all shared a table with MPFC for a candid discussion about supporting military families who do not have access to federal support structures.
The Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) limits certain federal benefits that similarly situated straight military couples receive. Although same-sex marriage is legal in six states and D.C., our married families are not eligible to access military support structures afforded to family members enrolled in the Defense Enrollment Eligibility Reporting System (DEERS).
We have learned in the past year that military service and sacrifice is a common denominator that everyone understands. Military organizations such as NMFA understand that our families have faced the same challenges as any family in the decade that has included two wartime theaters. We aren’t that different than other spouses: We want our servicemember to serve, train and deploy for this nation without worrying about us back home. A year after DADT repeal, we are comforted knowing we have a patchwork of support and major Military Family Organization recognize our service, but we remain painfully aware that we are excluded from the legal safety net provided to other military families.
Tracey Hepner is co-founder of the Military Partners and Families Coalition (MPFC) and currently serves as the Operations Director. She and her spouse BG Tammy Smith live in Arlington, Va.
Editor’s note: Sept. 20 marks the one year anniversary of the repeal of DADT. To read more about the experience of gay military families check out this story on Military.com.
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I just wanted to say thank you. We have been silently serving our country and supporting our service members since the military was established. We don't want anything 'special.' The only thing that makes us special is we too belong to the 1 percent that has stepped up to serve in the US Armed Forces. We are grateful the major Military Family organizations have embraced us. They understand the tough road all military families have faced. Please feel free to ask questions. I know there are gay military spouses that use these forums for support………I was one of them.
~Tracey Army Spouse
It's OK Tracy we hate the SIN but luv the sinner, you're in my prayers
Thank you. For your post and for your support to your service member. I hope every military spouse recognizes you for your fellowship with them, as I do. My husband and I have never supported the prejudice behind DADT and have never felt that someone's sexual orientation made them any less of a person. Our actions and commitments make us who we are – nothing else. I hope that one day, you will be afforded the same legal protections that we are. You make the same sacrifices, love your service member as we love ours, and face the same fears every day that we face – there's nothing more equalizing than that.
What an amazing post! I have been singing the since the repeal of DADT. It warms my heart to know that soldiers and spouses don't have to hide who they are anymore or fear for their safety. Sexual orientation does not hurt a soldiers performance in anyway and to think differently is ignorance. We have a long way to go for gay rights but this is a great start.
I, along with a lot of others, have also singing for the repeal of DADT ever since it was started. However this wasn't the type repeal we menat..
Happy for all of these families. I am a military spouse and my husband and I are heterosexual but the ban still affected my family. My brother who is 13 years older then me joined the USMC in the 1982 (so even before DADT) and my brother is gay. I watched him and his partner (another service member) serve 24 years with fear always somewhere in the back of their minds. Both retiring a few years ago without ever seeing the day they could be who they were.
Cathy How touching,
Welcome to the milspouse club! We're so happy for you and proud of you for taking this enormous leap! You earned it! I am so glad that the U.S. military finally made the right decision and repealed DADT. It's just the right thing to do, plain and simple.
I retired in 2003 as sn E-8. I’m heterosexual but knew a few gay members in my 21+ years of service. I never understood the homophobia that is so rampant. I think these recent rulings won’t hurt the military. Thank u for your post so others can see u for who u r. Just another spouse trying to support their sevice member. I applaud u!
Bet your Sig. or MI
I think Mad Maxx is the one that crawled out of a hole.
You lost; get over it. Deal.
And besides, what ever happened to American values of supporting the troops? These gay and lesbian servicemen and women would and are giving their lives to protect you. How about a little respect, or is that not one of your family values?
-Retired Army O-4
His comment has been deleted. Sorry, we're a little behind on moderating today.
If you call evil evil, you will be attacked by those who live in darkness and call darkness light.
It is good that Sodomites serve in the Military, but to make it known and accepted is totally against God. Sodomy is no more of a sin than fornication, or adultry . As this behavior continues we will see the furthr detoriation of the United Statue. The practice of Sodomy goes against our creator. If the scriptures are correct and they are. it is not if the the country is failing but when. There is an very interesting scripture that should be read Romans Chapter 1. This is not a hate message but one of love, all have sin and come short of God I just will pray.as all of us who understand and believe in God should do.
Either you are very naive or who are you fooling! Of course everyone welcomed you with open arms. Your significant other is a Brigadier General. Generals get deference that others don't. The armed forces are not for social engineering. No problem with you keeping your private life private. I don't flaunt my heterosexuality. You don't need to flaunt your homesexuality.
That doesn't hold any water. I hear this all the time and "flaunt" in this context makes zero sense. If you're a male soldier and you show up to an FRG meeting with your female spouse, that's fine, but if you're a male soldier and you show up to an FRG meeting with your male spouse, that's flaunting. It's a ridiculous argument. How about just acting with a bare minimum of human decency and treating people like people regardless of who they go home to at night?
People get so worked up about this, and it has nothing to do with them. When gay people get married, it means gay people get married–it does NOT mean that mandatory gay marriage is in the works. But the way some of these people talk, you'd think they were quivering in fear at the idea of their new assigned same-sex spouses.
Repealing DADT was a good first step. I hope that we as a country can follow it up with a broader equality, and provide all the benefits and protections of military spouses to all military spouses, period.
June, in reference to "flaunting", do you think it was OK that sailors in San Diego were allowed to wear their dress uniforms in a gay pride parade? The regulations strictly state that uniforms are NOT to be worn in these types of situations, but an exception was made by the DOD for gay sailors to participate in their dress uniforms. Before you respond I would like to say I support the repealing of DADT and with the economy, war and deficit, I think people making a big deal out of what people do in their bedrooms is ridiculous. But I do believe the rules need to be followed by everyone and once exceptions start to be made where does it end? How is that fair?
I was filled with happiness for you, and all American friends when I read the article, but I am deeply saddened by some of the comments left here. Living in a country, and connected by love to a military where one's choice of partner has not been an issue in my lifetime, I was thrilled when my American friends could enjoy the same freedoms.
Happy "repeal" anniversary, and I truly hope that full equality follows soon. The sacrifices are the same no matter what, and the small compensations offered to help soften that sacrifice should be the same as well.
We have a policy to remove comments that cross the line (the line is at our discretion). Some of the ones you were referring to have been removed.
Thank you for allowing us to express our opposition to the gay lifestyle being promoted in the military. Seems for quite a long time the gay community has tried and succeeded in many cases at dominating the discussion.
I don't think the "gay lifestyle", whatever that is, is being "promoted". I haven't seen any posters, flyers, or advertising suggesting heterosexual people "repent" or "see the light" and become homosexual. I don't see recruiting tables for the "gay lifestyle".
I see people being respected based on who they are. I see honour for people's capacity to love, and no judgement being made based on the genitalia or chromosome make up of the people they choose to love.
This is certainly a huge step in the right direction; the next is the repeal of DOMA so that all married couples can enjoy equal rights for them and their families.
As far as "flaunting" your homosexuality or your heterosexuality–we are all doing that every time we show up in public with our partners. My husband and I go out frequently; should we not be able to "flaunt" our heterosexuality? Should not everyone have the right to go about their business without its being construed as flaunting their sexuality, whatever it may be?
My comment was contextual. We are talking about the military environment, not about "going out frequently with your "significant other". As for how the military is adjusting, I don't think you should equate the silence of the majority in the military to gay acceptance.
It just takes time for people to get over their pre-conceived notions they had of San Francisco like gay pride parades through the middle of base and everything they held dear going down in flames. People are waiting for something major to change but the reality is nothing will because gays have always been in the military and so things will keep on being the way they were. When people get used to this and realize the sky isn't falling they will hopefully re-think their position on the matter. What we are going through now is what it must have been like in 1948 when blacks were integrated into the regular military, and I don't think with hindsight anyone is going to question that decision.
Yes, gays have been in the military and I acknowledge that. I just believe that social engineering has no place in the military. Hoping that DADT is restored. For those of you trying to equate the struggle of black people for civil rights to gays, to do so is to equate a people's civil rights to something that runs counter to nature and is an attempt to trivialize what black people endured. Also, you can't procreate!!! You are an aberration of nature!!!
Thank you Sarah Jones for your eloquent analogy.
Congratulations for being able to finally live the same as other service members and their families without the fear of persecution. I just hope the powers that be wake up soon and give you equal rights in every way and stop living in the dark ages. All the surveys suggest that most Americans support same sex rights now, we just have to get the people that pass laws to come inline with what the majority of Americans want.
As an infantry and Special OP soldier I'd rather have them by my side than a narrow minded bigot who would probably only worry about themselves when the bullets started flying.
Has anyone stopped to think? When Adam and Eve had children, how did they have children? With each other..so, I guess we are all responsible for each other to some extent no matter their religion, race, or sexuality. Who cares how they have sex or with whom? If it doesn't affect you leave them alone.
Just like I thought would happen. Those with a gay agenda are getting the last word since anyone opposed to it has their postings deleted by the administrator. We know where this site stands on the issue.
I'm sorry you didnt read all of the comments above. Many of them are not in support of gay marriage. Those that were deleted made hateful slurs or used inappropriate language.
This isn't even about gay marriage Amy! It's about able bodied soldiers serving in the military! Some people are so blind.
The "gay agenda" thing never ceases to make me laugh. As far as I understand it, the gay agenda goes something like this:
1) Get married.
2) Start a loving family.
3) Not get fired from their jobs for being in love.
They're not funding terrorists. They're not barging into your house and sodomizing you. Seriously, what exactly is the inherent danger to you if some people who are willing to give their lives for your rights actually receive some themselves?