Terrell needs some military spouse help. He is all set to marry his fiancée in November. He leaves for Navy basic training in January. He plans to be a machinist mate on a submarine. That’s exciting.
Except now Terrell is starting to actually think about being on a submarine for months at a time. Now he is starting to hear about spouses who can’t be trusted during a deployment. Now he is starting to worry.
Since Terrell is a smart guy, he decided to go directly to the source: military spouses who have actually done a deployment or two. Here is the question he posted for you on one of our pages:
“I am very nervous leaving my future wife alone for the first time without me around handling all the business. The Navy offers a lot of programs to help spouses, but is there anything you can share that you and your husband did to help this process on your own? What was your husband’s longest deployment and the longest time you went without hearing from? Any advice would help.”
I think it is interesting that Terrell doesn’t really want to take part in any “programs” yet. I bet “programs” sounds like another word for something-is-seriously-wrong-with-you-Buddy. Or maybe Terrell is just like the rest of us. Maybe he and his fiancée are the kind of people who like to be self-sufficient.
So what are you going to tell this young couple to get them off to the right start? What can they do without outside help? Which programs did you use yourself that were worth attending? No fair suggesting things that you’ve heard are good or that would be good … for other people. What worked for you?
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I have been a navy wife for 7 years, been through 4 deployments and about to start the 5th! #1 is good communication. Remember, communication involves listening! Don’t take frustrations with the navy out on your spouse. We all know the navy can do some interesting things that dont make sense and add inconvenience to our lives. It’s not our husbands fault so don’t be too hard on him :). Both of them need to be flexible- wih everything! Dates and times for deployment and DETS can change multiple times, no use in getting upset. The navy is here to help you learn patience and flexibility :). Congrats Terrell!
My advice has three-parts and it's the same advice I give every young couple or first-timers (with deployment, at least):
1. Stay busy.
Find hobbies she enjoys and use this time to take part in them. Start a small business. Join a gym. Volunteer with an organization she loves. Use this time to continue or complete education. Or get a part-time job. It keeps her from sitting at home staring at the clock and gets her feeling involved and fulfilled.
2. Find someone who can relate.
I was 1400 miles away from my husband's post (and therefore the rest of the deployed spouses), so I started a blog and joined a local Blue Star group. It allowed me to connect with other women, mothers, friends who had loved ones deployed. Even if it's once a month or just someone to make a call to on a bad night, it is important to have SOME connection to people who truly "get it."
3. Set rules in advance.
No one can predict the amount or type of communication you will have on a deployment, but you can establish certain ground rules. She promises to send an email when she wants to talk, even if you can't read it for a week or two. You promise to call whenever you can. Decide in advance whether you want to hear about "emergencies" at home. Decide in advance whether she wants to hear about someone getting hurt.
This was important for my husband and I because I was in law school and we established that if he was injured in a non-fatal way, I was not to be notified during finals or other intense periods. He would call his parents and they would tell me when necessary. Obviously, that was not true if he was fatally injured or in a hospital somewhere. Those rules might seem crazy to some, but having whatever boundaries work so she can cope at home and you can do your job abroad is vital. Have that talk in advance and you will both feel more comfortable and more prepared for the separation!
Hope this helps you and your future bride. :)
best answer yet!
did you find going through a deployment while in law was more difficult or stressful?
Congrats! Same items that work in a civilian marriage work best for me.
Have a good mix of everything, communication, patience, friends in and friends outside of the community, have something yourself to work towards and don't listen/participate in negative or toxic environments. Know your limits and enjoy forming what kind of life you want!
Don't forget that while much of your life is dictated by the Navy, as a couple you have many choices on how you want your life to be! Best Wishes!
you are so on target
My husband is on a year long deployment with NO mid tour break… we were only married 2 months before he left for pre-deployment training, so combine that with the actual deployment & we've been apart much longer than together. It's VERY hard to be separated from someone you love so much. If she is new to military life, she needs to get connected with other spouses (as previously suggested).
My advice to Terrell is to make SURE he communicates with her as MUCH as possible during the deployment – remember that she is NOT a mind reader… she has no idea what your day is like, how long your working hours are, when you will / will not be able to call or email… so, you MUST make sure to spell it all out for her. Poor communication can lead to hurt feelings (speaking from experience).
Also, you must have some serious conversations about finances, life/death, future plans, etc BEFORE you leave. Don't leave anything to assumptions or guessing…
" Now he is starting to hear about spouses who can’t be trusted during a deployment. Now he is starting to worry."
Sadly, if you don't think you can trust a person, you shouldn't be marrying them no matter how many other things seem to be great. I've been an Army spouse for 16 years and I've heard more than my fair share of horror stories about spouses (both sides) who consider deployments "not married time".
My God, My family & friends, My Unit & Troops I served with, faith in my Country & knowing we're doing the right thing.
"for me deployments were tough'.What really helped me was getting involved with the local church and the Wive's Club." I made myself reach out .It wasn't easy." I was always' the shy one. Push yourself Positively."Don't sit there".Take some classes and with children involve them too because they are experiencing what you are".Separation".I had a puppy and in order for her to remember I would put one of his pillowcases down on her bed at night with his scent." When he came back she wasn't afraid'.God bless".
Best thing you can do right now is to slowly but surely have your spouse taking over the finances and household duties BEFORE you leave! It will make her more independent and confident when you are gone. Yes, she still needs to include you in major financial decisions and purchases (you both set what those limits will be), but my DH and I learned long ago that if I knew how to run the household, it made life so much easier for us:-) Of course this relationship is based on trust, so I would only recommend this to spouses who have complete trust in each other.
I've also found that if I volunteer and not have the "woe is me" attitude, the deployment goes by MUCH faster, and I have a sense of accomplishment. There is something really satisfying with helping others, and it also keeps you busy.
I went back to school and obtained a degree in Nursing.
The original qustion indicates that he is leaving his fiance behind to deal with everything. Since she is not yet his wife, he is going to need to do some thinking about how he wants his affairs handled. Does he want her to pay his existing bills? Shw will need the info to do so. Is she being added to his bank accounts before marriage? Then he needs to attend to that before he leaves. Is her money management style close to his own? If not, then he needs to work with her to find a middle ground in that regard. If they are married before he deploys, then a lot of the problems are out of the way and he can arrange things with her so that the bills get paid and savings are saved and other matters are handled to the benefit of both of them. I would suggeet that he have a talk with his legal officer to find out what his options are in his current locale and in the locale he expects to be in when he deploys. He really didn't provide a lot fo information to work with, so any answer will be incomplete.
I wouldn't recommend adding a fiance's name to your bank account. I would set up a joint account for the purpose of paying bills. I would then set up an allotment, in the amount of total bills, to go to that acct. I volunteer at the Navy Marine Corps Relief Society and I run into Marines and Sailors who give their GF, fiances and spouses access to their money and the GF , fiance, or spouse ends the relationship and cleans out their bank accounts. Granted, not every significant other will do this, but you do need to have a high degree of trust in that person to leave them in control of your finances. Also, if you don't trust that things will get paid on time you can set up auto bill pay through your bank. That way, no matter where you are, your bills are getting paid.
I'm a retired AF wife. My husband had only two unaccompanied tours. My hats off to the wives and children these days with husbands/dads multiple and constant deployments. I don't know how you do it! Widow now for 10 yrs I've learned to be on my own but kids are grown with their own families.
The newbie spouse class, gives a good run down on everything. Also if there is a unit spouse group join if only long enough to meet some new ladies.
Find a hobby or volunteer for something that means something to you.
GET OUT of the HOUSE, If I stay in the house and not get together with other women then I fall into a depression quick. I meet my best friends on deployments.
Put as much as you can in her name, so when the problems happen they are not require you to handle them. Plus it helps with her credit.
Decide about how much money can be spent on fun things without the other agreeing before had.
If you have a buddy who is not deploying then give her his number (program it in her phone) for when the shit hits the fan. My hubby always does, and I have only needed them on one deployment, but dam it was good to have a friendly to help out.
COMMUNICATION-the more you both can talk without assuming judgment the less either of you will have to worry about. If you can send a message to her, do. Tell her what ever you can even if it is just, "I am fine and I love you." Call as often as you can. Send snail mail, tell her what you are thinking and feeling. Snail mail is a good way to work out those fights, cause they will happen, doesn't mean anything but u'all are stressed.
Let her know you appreciate her and are proud of her. A thank you goes a long way.
Don't think just because Seaman's wife did x that yours will. I don't know any spouse who has done anything to offend their military man. And I have been married to my military man for 10 years.
Give her the room to find her own way. It hurt me when my hubby was disappointed that I used frozen meals while he was gone. Hey it was a balanced meal and they girls didn't complain.
Trust her, if you can't then you shouldn't be getting married.
Good Luck
First do not buy into all the spouse cheat and steal your money fallacy. But that being said don't get married just cause your joining and go into your marriage with your eyes open. I would suggest your wife join the FRG( or navy equivalent), join some local FB groups theyre full of awesome knowledge, and just talk and decide whats right for you guys. Go slow, communicate, and you guys will get thru this!
It's so amazing that the servicemember is asking for help here – I rarely see the sailor reaching out, I think it really speaks to how much he cares for his fiancee that he wants to make sure she does well during deployment!
I am the wife of a submariner, married for 7 years, together for his entire career of almost 13 years, and he's currently away on his second 6-month deployment since we came to this duty station 2 years ago. The boat has been busy during this deployment, completing several long missions where they are "radio silent" and aren't sending or receiving emails or pulling into port. The longest we've gone without contact has been just shy of 2 months. It's been trying, but we've almost made it through!
I would echo everything else that's been suggested – communication is HUGE, and trust is an absolute must. If you love her and she loves you, you have GOT to trust each other. There is nothing worse than spending your downtime worried about what the other person is doing. If you can focus on how much you love each other and want to support each other, you'll find the time apart only makes your reunion that much sweeter.
One of the things that makes a big difference for me is feeling prepared, like I know how to handle the inevitable emergency/crazy situation/Murphy's Law stuff that will come up as soon as the boat is underway. I know it gives my husband piece of mind too. Do what you can now to prep her and you'll both be glad later. If I understand the original post correctly, you'll be married before you deploy. That's good – it'll be easier for her while you're gone. Make sure you get her into DEERS, add her to your page 2, and get her an ID as soon as possible after your wedding day. Then, go to your command and request a general and specific Power of Attorney for her. She'll need the general to do most things (renew your car registration, dispute charges with your bank, make changes or updates to housing paperwork, maybe even pay your bills). The specific should cover PSD functions – replacing a lost ID card, updating an address, etc. They often will not take a general POA, but it's a real pain to live on or near base without an ID card, so you want to make sure she is covered. Then, work together to make sure you both understand your finances (what bills need to be paid, when, and how much, what the budget is for essentials and fun, because you will both need some "mad money" while you're gone.) Make sure you talk about how much money you want to have while you're in port, and how you're going to access it. My husband has a separate checking account where I deposit a specific amount each pay period, and it's waiting for him there when he pulls into port. He can spend whatever is there on food, bar tabs, clothes, entertainment, or whatever in port, but it doesn't dip into the money we use to pay the bills.
The next step is for both of you to prep for the actual separation. Your boat's FRG is probably going to do some morale-boosting things for the spouses to send along with the boat. Encourage her to go to the FRG meetings, if for no other reason than to make sure she's not missing a chance to join in on those activities. It's also a great place for her to meet people and find some support from ladies who are literally in the same boat. I would not make it through deployments without my boat wife friends!
When we were prepping for this deployment, it was so fun to see what each family did to prepare. Each found ways to wrap up their love for each other and send it along, or leave it behind. Do some brainstorming, and googling for ideas – there's a ton out there! I sent my husband with a stack of cards labeled "open when you feel blue" or "open when you need a laugh," etc. I started filling his halfway night box early and got creative with the toys, games, food, and love notes I included. I sent a couple of care packages to the boat's FPO address throughout the deployment, and he received them at whatever port call came up next. We were lucky enough to get several mail drops, so I made sure he got some photos and extra lipstick kisses with those. My husband left me with a stack of cards, some of which were marked to open on a specific date, others said things like "for when you miss my goofiness." He got me a gift certificate to my favorite nail salon, and another for ice cream "for a bad day." Other husbands arranged to have flowers sent on a special day, or left behind a letter to be mailed each month. No matter what you do, the important thing is that you choose things that are personal, and thoughtful. It makes a HUGE difference to get a reminder that your mate is thinking about you, even from so far away.
I ran out of room on the last comment, but had one last thought about communication:
When it comes to email: keep in mind the boat's email system can be weird. Sometimes messages get lost or delayed, so we always number and date our emails, in case they arrive out of order. There will probably be times when you don't receive emails at all, due to technical issues, or when transmitting data would give away your location. Tell her to keep sending anyway. They *should* stay in the queue and be delivered when you do receive data again. It's easier to send one or two a week and have several delivered at once than to try and remember all the stuff you want to say after a whole month of not writing. And don't forget to write to her too! She wants to know what's going on in your life, even if all you have to tell her is the funny story your shipmate told in the crew's mess last night. Lastly, make sure she knows that every email is read by multiple sets of eyes. Going months without your new husband can make it tempting to spice things up, but your official boat email isn't the place to do it. Tell her to send those messages to your personal email and you can get them when you pull into port and are able to respond privately!
Well, I'm pretty sure this is now a novel all on its own, but I hope it was helpful! Hang in there – that first kiss at Homecoming is worth all the long nights in between!
My husband and I married on our R&R from Iraq. After we got married, we spent two amazing weeks together then we headed back to Iraq: he to Taji and me to Al Asad. Staying busy with work really helped. This last deployment was our first time apart since Iraq.
Staying busy helped me through deployment. I was working full time and taking on a full course load online as well as traveling. I bonded with a few other spouses. I was semi active in my FRG: I say semi active because I was incredibly busy and couldn't always make it to the meetings, so I volunteered to do the newsletter instead. Not only did it help keep me busy, but I incorporated some things that were interesting to me. Each month I included a fun fact about Afghanistan because that's where our soldiers were. I thought it'd be cool for the kids, even though I don't have kids. I also included a recipe section, a travel section, because we were in Germany and Ryan Air was not too far from us. We had so many spouses complaining of being bored, but flights were as low at $30.00 round trip across Europe. I went to Marrakesh, Morocco for $88 round trip with Ryan Air and to Alghero, Sardinia for $65.00 round trip. My hubby loved that I wasn't sitting at home wallowing in despair. He knew I was okay and he loved seeing my photos and my videos I'd make him from the different places I went.
Find something you love to do and do it. Take up a new hobby, work on your education, get a job, do something. Do anything except sit in the house. I mean, yeah, we all have our days where missing him is too much. That's okay. We're human, not machines. But you fight on, take care of yourself and live.