If you’ve ever dealt with a deployment you’ve probably also encountered the great and troubling leave question: Where should you spend your spouse’s predeployment leave? Or, rather, exactly how much of that leave should be spent with his parents?
I’m living this problem right now. Which is why this post is brought to you from a secret location in Ohio 30 minutes from the closest grocery store. (And if you know anything about Ohio, you know that you’ll never be able to use that information to find me because “30 minutes from the closest grocery store” describes pretty much the majority of this state).
I love my husband’s family. I think they are beautiful, caring people. His mother has taught me so much about strength and resilience in the face of seemingly insurmountable circumstances. After she was in a near-fatal car accident in 2008 she fought back, spending much of a year in a nursing home, and is now almost completely mobile and teaching special ed at an elementary school. His father has been a blue collar worker almost his entire life, instilling in my husband invaluable personal finance principles that have left us 100 percent debt free.
These people are keepers.
And yet I do not, under any circumstance, want to spend predeployment leave with them. I’m selfish. If my husband has to go away for nine straight months, I want him all to myself for the several weeks prior. I guess I can share him with our sons. But only because he’ll change the diapers. (Kidding. Sort of.)
But of course that’s not how it works out. Of course I put Selfish Me in a drawer and put Sharing Me on instead. Of course I say “yes dear, we can go visit your family in Ohio … for 10 or our 19 days …” And of course I know that, though he is by no means a mama’s boy and would always put me first if I had a legitimate, actual non-entirely-selfish need, he really does want to see his family. He loves them. He thinks they are super cool. He would spend every single second of every vacation with them if he could. But he doesn’t. He lets me choose what we do about 80 percent of the time.
So I tell myself that this is HIS block leave. HE is the one who is going to Afghanistan. And when I go to Afghanistan (which, frankly, will be never) we can do whatever I want for vacation.
Still, that doesn’t sit entirely right. Maybe it’s that Selfish Me doesn’t like her home in the drawer. Maybe it’s that it actually is OUR block leave and I should get as many snuggles and cozy movie nights on our very own couch as I want as I preemptively make up for lost time.
I wish there were actual rules about this. A “do this, not that” sort of list. But there isn’t.
But at SpouseBuzz we love crowd wisdom. We think our readers can make us smarter. And I’m willing to bet that you all have a way of dealing with this that I’ve yet to contemplate. So tell me: how do you handle predeployment leave?
About Amy Bushatz
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I'm going through the same thing! We planned for my husband and I to go on a romantic vacation together during block leave, then his parents are coming to visit us a little bit later. So that worked out pretty well. But I'm also wondering how we're going to handle the homecoming situation…I suppose we have a while to figure that out…
Amy this is one of the best things you have ever written. You have laid out the truth of the predeployment cycle. maybe that’s why there aren’t a lot of posts –because this isn’t easy. For my money, you made the right decision. Cows and all.
moo.
We were fortunate in that this deployment is short notice, so he couldn't take leave even if he'd wanted to (and he doesn't). It's just too difficult, especially at this time of year, but any time, really.
It's bad enough if they come to see you, but to go see them? Nah. I'll take a pass on that, thankyouverymuch.
Loving parents and doting grandparents are amongst the best deployment support there is (on both sides of the combat fence.) They are also amongst the best marriage support there is. They have lived their lives with a goal of developing a strong tight-knit family and have overcome a multitude of mistakes in their own marriage to achieve it.
I think that too many times we fear sharing our feelings out of a belief that it might hurt theirs which would then hurt our spouse which would then hurt us. But the reality is that these parents/in-laws/grandparents already know the secret formula. Marriage takes work – growing a family takes work. So draw them in as mentors, and confidants, and helpers. Spend time with them, but also ask them to watch the kids so that you can have some time alone with your spouse to work on building and maintaining your relationship so that you can achieve what they have.
To be honest, I think that what you have described is really the best situation you could have going into another deployment cycle – you have loving support. And I think that if you shape this right you will also have more quality time alone with your husband than you might have gotten otherwise – and I suspect that your in-laws will willingly change a few diapers too.
You are so right. We'll be taking a date night tomorrow. Where else are we ever going to get to take a date without paying a sitter? um, never.
I agree with everything you said. We just had our one week of pre-deployment leave and it was spent visiting my husbands family. Was I totally excited about that? No, but it was up to him as he is the one leaving. Now my predicament is that his parents want to come down to see him actually leave, like get on the airplane leave. I feel like I shared his leave with them, so the last few nights he is here he is for me and our son. Any advise or help? I don't want to seem rude or selfish but I feel like this should be our time to a be a little family. Especially because he is TAD for 8 weeks, will have one week home and then will ship out for 7 months.
I have always found the final few days before a deployment extremely difficult for everyone in the immediate family. My husband is doing his final packing, he is taking care of last minute things with the cars and the house so I don't have any major issues in his absence and he is getting his head ready for his mission and for that long separation from his family. I'm struggling with the fear and anxiety as I watch him do his final preparations and I am also putting on that brave face so that he won't see how terrified I am to see him leave. The kids are usually confused because they are thinking each day is the same and they can't figure out why Dad is giving more hugs and is demanding more of their attention. I think it would be extremely stressful to have guests in those final days. My husband has never wanted his parents to be here for his departure or his homecoming. I consider myself lucky. Have you discussed this with your husband? If he wants them there I think it would be completely reasonable to have his parents stay at a hotel so they aren't around you two every second. You and your husband should be able to go through the long process of saying goodbye without an audience.
It's not selfish. You and your son are his priority now. You were nice enough to share his leave with his family. They should all respect that this last bit of time he has SHOULD be spent with just you and your son.
We just found out a few days ago that he will be deploying very shortly. I also found out that this is the only weekend I will have him to myself. Of course, during the week I will have him, but he’s exhausted at the Ed of a work day & wants to rest ( and I don’t blame him one bit ) but the rest of the time, were going to visit his sister and her husband ( whom I love) and then his folks are coming down. And immature that they will come back down just a few days following to see him off. I’m in the same boat. I love his parents to pieces. They are fantastic. But … I don’t get to see him for seven months. I want to be selfish and just have him to myself. But we will see how things go! I don’t have any resolve for you I guess. Just showing that I am in the same boat.
Why not get the best of both worlds? Before taking off on his third deployment, my husband and I visited his parents at their home in Canada. The hubby and I booked a two-night stay at an upscale resort about an hour away from where they lived, and while they got to spend some quality time with their grandson, we got to enjoy some quality time to ourselves. 9 months later, they also got a granddaughter out of the deal!
I really wanted to do this but the husband really wanted to spend the whole time with his family, not off somewhere else ;-). Sigh. Maybe next time! Part of the problem is that both of his parents work full time.
I have always had a rule about deployments, that my in-laws (and my parents) have always respected. I have no problem spending pre-deployment leave and post-deployment leave with family. But the day he leaves and the day he comes back – that's for us. R&R is for us and our children, as well. I might not be super thrilled about spending time with his family when we could be cuddled up on the couch, but I try to put myself in my mother-in-law's shoes. I try to imagine what it would be like to send one of my three sons into combat and not get the chance to say goodbye in person or give him a hug. I would be devastated. I don't want that for her. He may be 34 years old, but he's still her son. I'm the one he calls when he only gets 5 minutes on the phone, I'm the one he's counting down the days to see. A few days with his parents and siblings isn't too much to ask, for me. Plus, they are great babysitters and we actually get more time to ourselves while we're visiting, then we do at home. :-)
So nice that you have rule.
I try very hard to keep asking myself thoughs( what if " ? ) redirecting myself.Not the ? what if he dies but putting myself in his shoes. And I set myself a goal on what to do different this time. I did not recognize all the mind games we play, during predeployment periods even thinking otherwise. I thought I was extra loving, my husband pointed out I withdrew. wow I felt bad when he told me. as a new spouce please call a predeployment specialist at your local base . I can't list the book on this blogg but tell you the begining is on the mind games we play and seperation. Resiliancy training really set it all into perspective this time.
I'm torn in this situation. When my brother left I didn't get to see him but for 1 afternoon (Easter of 2011)…that was that was the last time i got to see him as he was KIA Nov of 11. i wish I would have taken more leave (as I am also in) to spend time with him.
Now my husband is also in but he hasn't had to deploy anytime in the last 5 years (time we've been together). I'm not sure how I would feel about having a whole bunch of people around. I wouldn't LIKE to think i'd be okay with spending time with his family seeing how I know it could be the last time spent as a family. As many others have said, I'd also plan a couple date nights with him or cuddly movie nights after the kids went to bed.
One tricky thing not really addresses in this ever present debate is the money issue. There is absolutely an expectation of sort of “because there’s more of them there than us here” that we always fly home for things (which we have two seperate states to hit up for normal stuff, likely more just his family for deployment related leaves)–which obviously, I see the reasoning and logic there and we DO want to see as many people as possible.
Then I realize…we don’t have that much money. We have spent more on plane tickets since getting married than anything else–family illness, weddings, leave, our own wedding at the beginning of all this, but have yet to have anyone come to us. I like going to them, but at the same time the cost is starting to wear…just another factor to throw out there.
This is obviously a tender matter that has the potential to grow into a multi-headed Hydra monster very quickly. I think a good solution is to try to divide the time between everyone's family. For example, you could spend a few days at his parent's house right at the beginning. Then, if the in-laws are up for it, they can keep the kids for a few days while you and the hubby spend some time totally alone. This helps feed the "Selfish Me" side of things. Then at the end, right before deployment, you could all spend a few more days together. That helps satiate the "Sharing Me" side of things. Obviously, every situation is different, every family is different, so this is just one potential suggestion.
Can believe you would deny a mother or father the chance to see their son/daughter get on the plane and leave or come off that plane safely home. Just wait until you are a parent and your child joins!
Well I obviously wouldn't do that- – which is why we are here.
You are being selfish. It is about him. And if he needs to do things to maybe put his mind at ease before he leaves then he should be able to do them. Whether that means changing the oil in your car, or visiting with family before he leaves (and maybe doesn't come back.)
I think it's also important for you to get your time too, preferably how you want it. But, it needs to be shared at the very minimum if that's what he wants.
Oh I know I'm selfish. That's why I wrote it in the blog post! And that is why we are here in Ohio as I type this spending time with his Grandma. And it's fine. But it's still hard.
Selfish? I think you obviously missed the point of this blog post, which is to discuss the challenges military families face. Nearly every military spouse I’ve met we have had this conversation–how to balance that time, feeling conflicted on being “selfish”, balancing alone time and family time, all during the major stress of an upcoming deployment….I for one am glad that someone is speaking frankly about a conversation a million of us spouses struggle with. Ultimately she did what was best for her, her husband and their family. But that doesn’t mean it’s super simple or easy! :)
I think it depends on everyone involved and how they handle/react to certain situations. The hubby has done 3 deployments (12 months, 15 months, 6 months, and we're prepping for a fourth). Leave is split between family and vacation but biased toward family. The family says their goodbyes during leave. They do not accompany us to the airfield – however, his parents always get a call from the airfield (leaving or landing). Deployment day is usually long and drug out. His parents know that they would break down and couldn't keep it together for the lengthy dropoff period. He has explicitly expressed that he does not want to deal with complete breakdowns on the deployment day – he has enough going on dealing with logistics and general soldier stuff. By recognizing their own limits, they allow him some emotional reprieve. It's a difficult day for the soldier and everyone involved has to know what they are capable of handling and what they aren't.
This is our way of sharing this difficult time and its works for our entire family. Just keep in mind every family and each family member is different.
I am retired Navy. My pre-deployment choices were just as challenging. Please know that without my spouse, her support, our love and respect for one another, that a successful deployment would not have been possible for me. We always took pre-deployment time for ourselves and our kids. We informed both of our families that we didn't want visitors during the 4 weeks available to us before the ship weighs anchor. Yes, it was selfish, but for our family dynamics it worked. After returning from deployment we travelled as a family to visit my family in Maine for two weeks and then spent two weeks with her family.
After 20 years of this wonderful life, you have to learn that sometimes you have to "pay the King his shilling" (Colin Powell). Part of being married … part of the work of marriage … is being a part of a new family and all the love and challenges that come with that new family. You are SO blessed with a husband who loves his family and wants to spend time with them. You are enormously blessed with in-laws who are clearly amazing, supportive people. You could easily have it far worse. What if he disliked his family, didn't want to spend any time with them, and your children never had the privilege of knowing his parents as loving grandparents? By "paying the Kind his shilling" now …. by spending time with his family before the deployment, you are basically setting yourself up for wonderful, loving support from your in-laws during the entirety of the deployment. And who wouldn't want that? Plus, while you are there visiting, I suspect you'll have the opportunity for some time alone (date nights) while the grandparents keep the children. (Silver lining … cheaper than a babysitter!) I am very lucky. My MIL was a 30-year Army Wife, so she understands. Before deployment and R&R, we sit down with the calendar and we drive the train together as we plan how to spend that leave. We both usually have something in mind and we make it work. For the current deployment, we only had one week between the end of his old job and reporting to CDC. In that one week we had to buy a new car, he had to pack, we had to pack the kids for camp, and we had to do all those other little things involved with pre-deployment. We spent only two nights with his parents, one of those included a huge going away party with family and friends. I would have gladly traded 19 days of leaves, spending 10 of those with DH's family, for the one week that we had. I get it … you want time alone with your hubby and your own family before deployment. But you WILL have time alone with him, even while you are visiting his family, because I suspect they understand and want to help you by keeping the kids for a few date nights! You'll have extra helping hands. If you and DH and the boys just stayed home for 19 days, you wouldn't have any extra help beyond the help that you have to pay for. And heck, how knows? You might actually have FUN with his family. That time spent with them also helps your children, as they bond with their grandparents and begin building memories of time spent with them before they pass away. As a mother, I have always wanted my children to have a very strong relationship with their grandparents because that relationship is one that you (or I) simply cannot duplicate. They are older and wiser and can help your children grow in ways that you simply cannot. Grandparents can help us become who we are. And in the long run, remember that YOU are married to him and you get to spend far more time with him now than they ever will again. You clearly have a wonderful husband. You clearly have a wonderful set of in-laws. You are blessed with to lovely boys. In the grand scheme of things in life, this is truly a minor concern. (Seriously, think of how you might sound as you whine about this problem to someone who doesn't have loving, caring in-laws and wonderful grandparents for her children). It may not seem minor to you right now, but think of the alternatives. With luck, you and your husband will enjoy a long and happy marriage together … and there will be plenty of opportunities for "alone time" in the future. Be glad he has a family he wants to visit. This 19 days … this leave … is not all there is. There is more to life than these 19 days and God willing, you have so much more to look forward to in your married life.
Well said Mel.
Both my sons are officers in separate services. I have never gotten to see them pre- or post-deployment.
I ache.
As a spouse of Soldier for almost 17 years, we have done this deployment cycle more times than I care to count. Each time, we deal with this situation. I definitely have "selfish me" and I have "sharing me." Each time, I want nothing else than to lock my husband, kids, and I away on an island until the imminent date of departure. Nevertheless, each time we spend time with his family because while I know what I want, I also know what's right. What's right is to spend the time with his family because, as a mother of boys, I would hate to feel isolated from them or not apart of their lives during such a sensitive time. I would want to hold them and tell them how much I love them because after all, they are the center of my heart.
I feel for you aching Mother. I hope your sons are finished with deployments. If not, I pray you get to spend time with them pre and post deployment. Hopefully, you tell them how you feel so they can understand. I know I didn't understand fully until my sons were born.
I feel you for you for sure 'Mother", but I also would ask–why not? Do you just have a psycho daughter-in-law? Are you not able to travel there if they cannot travel to you?
You have to remember you see him every day and no one else does. I understand that family wants to see him but you will miss him the most. It like missing a arm. The rest of the family will not know how hard it is for you. unless they have been through it. I have a son now who joined the military and my daughter in law has been without him for his training time. I wish i could take all the lonelyness she feels. I know how that is after 25 yrs. I hope that she knows that we are there with her always but i would never want to take the of her time before a deployment away from her. It very hard getting ready for deployment. you and husband will be the ones that will feel the separation the worst. Share your time with him.
The time should be split. 50-50 between his parents and you & the kids. Maybe split your time 50-50 with the kids and alone. Everyone walks away happy (considering the circumstances). I wish you all the best during the upcoming deployment.
I feel your pain. My husband is on a unique 90/30 schedule. Last time he came home his parents showed up just hours after he got home. I was livid. As it is we have lots of kids underfoot that we have to try and sneak off and find time, but his parents…they aren't the type to entertain themselves either. I go crazy every break. Not that they aren't nice, they just need to give us space. Ugh, break in 11 days, get to see them soon:(
I think it’s an excellent point to discuss that ultimately its the spouse and children who are ultimately affected the most by a deployment. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t spend per and post deployment time with the family….but their is a lot of prep that goes into a deployment on the marriage side of things. Having that time to adequately prepare with each other could be the difference between the deploy,ent going smoothly or being rough!
Well, I've been at this from all sides except the mother. I've been the sister, the daughter and the wife looking at the eighth deployment in the next six months from my immediate family. Here is how we handle it. Half of pre-deployment and half of post-deployment leave I will share. R&R (back when we had longer deployments) is mine. Phone calls are mine. The week he leaves is mine. We will be dealing with enough BS between us that I can't handle being polite to my in-laws. Who don't like me and have zero military background, so have no idea what's going on anyway. When we take leave on years he is not deploying, we usually go see my family and we go to his mother for a long weekend every three months or so as she is in the same state we are. But, to put it bluntly, this man is my husband. He chose me and I chose him out of all of the other people on the planet. It is ok for me to be selfish with our time. Because it is our time. If this is the only time I have left, I don't want to remember fighting with my MIL about it or worse, him.
I am thankful our Daughter-in-law "let" their family come home to see my parents during that block leave. My 90 year old father fell during their time at home and died 3 weeks later. (Our son hadn't quite deployed and was able to use Labor Day weekend for the funeral. He left 2 weeks after that.)
I had been trying to get them back home (a two-day drive from where our son is posted) since they got stateside from Germany – it took almost 2 years. I now have a photo with the complete four generations taken that week and his sons got to meet a great-grandfather they would have otherwise not known. He and wife had not been home since their first year in Germany 6 years prior.
Unfortunately, what another person mentioned, they have not been able to visit her family as a complete family since before they went to Germany and their sons weren't born. DIL has been to visit with one son, but without hubby.
I did get to visit Germany twice and his current post once. Plus see him graduate from basic training and from the Defense Language Institute in the past 10 years. I am so proud to be an Army mom and am generally patient with the time away. Thank goodness for Skype.
As a soldier currently deployed, I can understand this from the other side of things. And the only thing I can add is… tell him this. Be willing to compromise, of course, but if he loves you (and from how you write, I can safely assume he does) he will want you to be happy too. That's how my wife and I did it; spent some time with the family, but spend some time before we left and after we got back just us. My parents are very important to me, but my wife is more so, and my parents know this; despite what they want (they have their Selfish Me in them too, after all), they know that my wife and son are MY family, and I have to spend time with them on my own.
Just a suggestion. As long as you all are happy in the end, whatever you decide is absolutely the right decision.
My son is in the Navy and attached to a Marine unit currently deployed (since July). I understand that his wife, their son, and their unborn child is his most important concern. But as a mother it is very difficult when a piece of your heart is leaving to dangerous parts of the world and you can’t keep him safe. He has been on 2 previous deployments while assigned to a ship. I didn’t get to visit prior to his ship’s deployments but was able to watch his ship return with his final one. I was also able to visit with the family several weeks before each deployment and was satisfied with that. But those deployments were to relatively safe areas of the world. This last deployment with the Marines in the middle-east has me praying everyday for his safety. They chose to travel to 5 different states to visit his and her family plus close friends from their previous duty station. But that was a couple of months before he deployed. I chose to travel to them for the week before deployment. However, I didn’t want to infringe on their privacy so I stayed at a nearby hotel. During that time they had planned their son’s 2nd birthday party and his going away party. I was available to babysit and help with cleaning and errands. There were times that I felt like a fifth wheel, but the time I spent at their house with them was limited (by my own choosing). He was working most days the week before his deployment so I spent that time doing my own reflecting. He and I did have the opportunity to spend our own alone time together but I knew this week was for his family and I helped out as needed and stayed out of the way when necessary. That was my unselfish side. My selfish side wanted to attach myself to him and never leave his side so I could keep him safe. As mothers we raise our children to be self-sufficient and independent. At the same time we know we would walk to the ends of the earth to keep them out of harms way. That is not always possible. We cannot do that during deployment.
Before deployment day I had stressed over whether to go to the deployment site or say my goodbyes at the house. I didn’t want to put him in the awkward positon of splitting his “good-bye” time between his wife and me. I knew they needed that time for last minute messages and prayer. But on the other hand I wanted that special time, too. On the day of deployment, that decision was made for me. Between all of his gear, their son’s “essential travel needs” (toys, diapers, snacks, etc), and extra space needed to transport records from the base to deloyment site there was no room for me in their vehicle. So we said our goodbyes at their house. In the end, I was glad I didn’t go to the base. It was a long day and I’m not sure I would have been able to hold it together and be strong.
That being said, whether they wanted me there or not I would not have traded that time with him. It is hard enough knowing that his wife and child get the phone calls that I don’t get. They get the online messaging that I don’t get. They get the emails that I don’t get.
From a mother’s point of view, I breathed life into that child and he will always be a part of me. I praise the wives that understand that a mother needs that time with her child and I understand you not wanting to share him–Mom doesn’t want to share him, either. To the wives that won’t share that time with the in-laws, remember if it weren’t for them your husband wouldn’t be on this earth. Use this time to pay tribute to them and thank them for giving him life. And to the deploying child who won’t spend some time with his/her parents remember that this time on earth is just borrowed.
All of this talk about the dangers of deploying we tend to forget that stateside family members could meet with illness or accidents and be taken from this world. This is the deploying member’s chance to spend special time with family members who may not be here when you get home.
If you did not want to be seperated from your husband or share hime you should not of married someone in the Military. You still get to sleep with him every night at your in-laws and if you don't go & he doesn't come home how are you going to feel about his family not getting to see their son. Don't be a selfish baby!
His family loves him to and they will always be his family. With the divorce rate the way it is you may not always be his wife.
Very supportive! Congrats!
You are so right!
Ladies, I served 26 years in the Navy and pre-deployment leave was dedicated to my wife and children…period. If my parents wanted to see me before I deployed they were invited to come to see me and the kids at the beginning of my leave. The last 7-10 days of the leave was solely for my wife and kids. My parents had plenty of time with me and time to collect memories when they raised me. I loved my parents and siblings and kept in touch but I brought my wife into my life and made vows to her. I also brought my kids into this world and the military life. It was my desire and my duty to place wife and kids first when it came to deployments. My parents had a lifetime with me; my wife and kids only had a few years and their memories of me would have to last their lifetimes if something happened to me. The kids came along but didn't ask to be in the military, I owed them (and my wife) the same devotion I owed to my country and the Navy.
Well said… As an army mom, I travel to see my son when i can, and if i can make redeployment i do… If i can’t, we speak on the phone. I know his wife will be there for him and they have each other and the children. It is not my place to assert control over their family. Mahalo to all soldiers who serve.
We set up a system that works for both of us. With the Navy(at least at the two different commands we've had in the last 5 years) if you aren't deployed you get about 10 days of leave at the holidays. So the holiday leave time before deployment is spent with his family. If they want to see him again before he leaves, they can come visit. Pre- and Post-deployment leave are for us.
I think as MilSpouses we get desensitized to deployments in the magnitude it carries to those outside the military. Not to sound negative, but there is ALWAYS the possibility your husband may not return. Would you want to be the reason his mom didn't get to see him 'one last time'? I understand wanting your husband all to yourself; however, if it were your son – what would you want? Glad you left 'Selfish' home in the drawer. Her twin sister sits upstairs in my room :).
Well said. I want so badly to be selfish too. The last deployment we had 30 days so it didn't even matter. But we are about a year out from the next one, so I am starting to count it down already. I already share my time because he works "long distance" and is only home weekends (well he's home the weekends he doesn't have training!). So I already feel like selfish me is in the drawer most weekends as we spend time with family and friends who live near us. But deployment is a whole different game.
It's such a pinch. Good for you for making the decision to spend time in Ohio. I wish there was a handbook, too. Maybe we can write one together for future spouses!
If you treat this like any other "job", would you "run home to Mama" every time you get sent out of the country to work? Your responsibility is to your spouse, children and yourself. Do not allow parents to "run" your house. If you think of this way, it becomes clear what you should do. Do not ever allow anyone pull the guilt trip on because they are not married to you nor do they make decisions for your family. If it is harsh–may be but you know I am right. (I am the in-law, the parent, the object of the question; I do not like being left out, but this attitude is truly healthy for my grown children…I support "their" desires, "their" agenda, not mine. After all, I do not need to mess up any body's life but my own.)
I'm a fortunate Marine mom. My DIL is a wonderful sharer! Our son is on his fifth deployment and we have seen him off on three. Generally we are there to help, babysit and make it a little easier to come home to the empty house. It is heart wrenching to give that last hug but I wouldn't trade it for the world! You keep it together because that's what makes it easier for him. Our DIL shares news, pictures and updates with us and we try to support her in any way we can. Homecoming is just for them…and I wouldn't have it any other way. We'll see him soon and knowing he is back is good enough for us!
My husband's years in service were spent in the US Navy. Deployments could be as long as 11 months. We split the leave time that he took. Part of it was spent visiting with family, the last week was spent where we wanted to spend it — alone. We alternated with which family was visited on which end of the deployment. Everybody got to see us and we loved being able to visit with all of them, too. The "alone time" thing is a special time, but it is also a time to deal with what may need doing before or during a deployment. Hubby and I worked together on jobs that needed doing arund our home (we had purchased one). We dealt with making sure that the legal papers were as they needed to be, that our banking stuff was in order, and that I knew what to do if something untoward happened to him, and that he knew what to do if something were to happen to me. We took care of work and business during the days and spent our evenings doing a lot of "alone time". I realize in reading this that it all sounds very simple. Guess what? It is. It is only a matter of doing some division of the time and using it wisely.