“Deployment Sex Pacts” are a Myth (Updated)


When I married my smoking hot military man, I promised to stay faithful to him no matter what – and he promised to stay faithful to me. There were no ifs, ands or buts. There was no “unless you are bored.”

And there was definitely no deployment sex pact.

But the idea is a shocking thing to talk and think about. And so columnists, based on no actual evidence whatsoever, say disturbing things like this, which appeared on FoxNews.com yesterday:

Most civilian women would not defend their husband’s infidelity.  But for the military wife, cheating practically comes with the territory. And rather than ignore the lusty elephant in the room, some military couples have created their own defense against infidelity: the so-called deployment sex pact.

The column, written by Militay.com’s own My Wingman Diana, makes the case that deployment sex pacts are not only common, but – if you want to stay married to your servicemember – are really an inevitable part of military life.

At SpouseBuzz we know that we do not know everything. We know that while Diana, who incorrectly calls herself the “Dear Abby” of Military.com (sorry, Diana, that would be Ms. Vicki), tends to write for the he-done-me-wrong crowd, SpouseBuzz readers tend to be more in the happily-ever-after persuasion.

But we also know that in the handful of posts on infidelity we’ve done over the last several weeks and these two we ran last year, at least 500 people have commented with one overwhelming message: cheating in any marriage – deployment or otherwise – is not OK.

And those who say their marriage did include cheating? They’re talking about the past. They’re talking about their ex-husband or ex-wife.

Like Jacey, we SpouseBuzzers didn’t get married so that our spouse could be unfaithful.

Sure, just like in the rest of society there are military couples who have what some would call “more adventurous” relationship agreements. But to say that such an arrangement is an inevitable part of military marriage is 100 percent inaccurate.

Just like haters are going to hate, cheaters are going to cheat. Being in a military marriage may result in more temptation than a normal marriage, but it doesn’t change who a person is, the temptations he or she struggles with or the expectations of faithfulness a spouse has towards him.

As far as we’re concerned, “deployment sex pact” might as well be called “divorce proceedings.”

So if this whole sex pact nonsense is nothing but a myth, why is it still getting talked about?

As far as I can tell, the first recent time the deployment sex pact subject came up was early last year, when one advice columnist claimed, based on the stories told by a “handful of military members in Norfolk,” that a whole hill of military members have pacts with their spouses permitting open oral sex with other partners.  When we asked our readers about the subject, most of them told us this was the most ridiculous thing they had ever heard. Some said they knew of people who did this. No one said they did it themselves.

And thus the topic was born with Diana, who made the gigantic logical leap that because a handful of commenters on her blog supported the idea, it surely must not only be common, but the inevitable conclusion of marrying into the military.

And it really was a leap. Of the mere 49 people who commented on her post on the subject, only four thought this was a good idea. Again, none of them said they actually have this pact.

Yet Diana, who is not a military spouse and does not have any actual experience in a military marriage, seems to think that military marriages can be proclaimed as inevitably including infidelity. And so in the continuing wake of the Petreaus scandal, she resurrected the topic here.

But the fact remains that I have yet to read one comment from any reader on our blog, her blog or any Facebook post on the subject who says that “deployment sex pacts” are common or that they participate in one. There are people who have heard of other people participating. There are people whose ex-husband thought it was a good idea.

So please, find me a bunch of military spouses who say (and actively act on the belief with their spouses’ knowledge) that an open sexual relationship and deployment sex pact comes with the military marriage territory.  And then I will believe that this is not a myth.

Until then – I call shenanigans.

Editor’s note:  As an Army wife and the managing editor of this blog I took great exception to the characterizations of military marriages in Diana Falzone’s most recent op-ed at Foxnews.com (as described in this post).  But while it’s proper I might not agree with some of what was stated in her piece, it is not right that I would question her commitment to the military community by virtue of her efforts at My Wingman Diana or the nature of her professional standing as a blogger for Military.com.  I apologize on both counts.

About the Author

Amy Bushatz
Amy is the editor in chief of Military.com’s spouse and family blog SpouseBuzz.com. A journalist by trade, Amy also covers spouse and family news for Military.com where she is the managing editor of spouse and family content. An Army wife and mother of two, Amy has been featured as a subject matter expert on CNN.com, NPR, Fox News, NBC, CBS, ABC and BBC as well as in the New York Times, Wall Street Journal and Washington Post. Follow her on twitter @amybushatz.

167 Comments on "“Deployment Sex Pacts” are a Myth (Updated)"

  1. Maybe I'm naive, but I don't know of ANYONE who has a deployment sex pact.

    However, I do know of two couples who have a pact similar to that… but they are civilians. One has it for business trips and one has it for "whenever" (it's an open marriage).

    But deployment sex pacts? Nope, I don't know of one couple who has that at all.

    • I will say from 6 yrs of military marriage experience and talking with male military members, that a lot of guys seem to think “what happens on deployment stays on deployment” but this in and of itself is a ridiculous excuse that they claim for each other to have some kind of justification of cheating while deployed. I say, if I can go without *** while you’re away then you should be staying true to me as well. If a military member never intended to stay true while deployed then they should not say their vows. What comes with the territory of military marriage is going months and possibly years without sexual intercourse…not infidelity!! Call me old fashion but I don’t want to have someone’s sloppy seconds after they get back from a deployment because who knows what they’re bringing home along with them (i.e. stds)

    • This is absurb! I’ve been married to Navy for 8years, and if either one of us were to contemplate such a radical idea, we’d be heading to a divorce lawyer. I’ve known many many military families ad I hve never heard of any such pact….especially being 2 sided.

    • Amen! Whatever and oh hell no! I was a 20 year Army wife. Our marriage lasted 30 years, but I found out he was unfaithful and thought it was okay while deployed. Sex Pact? maybe with the unfaitful ones self…whispers..jerks…

  2. How is she even still a writer here? I do not understand. She's putting information out there that may jeopardize a new spouses already fragile(I'm not suggesting ALL but you get the point) mind when it comes to living this life.

    We have to deal with the stress of deployments, TDY, training blah blah blah. Why add to all that stress and suggest that on top of everything else CHEATING is a norm in the military?

    • I second this question.

      • I hate to say it but yes cheating is very common. I don't agree with it at all but it does happen and very often. Even when they are suppose to be training they find a way to cheat. I know for a fact that during training that some chick was giving a married man a blow job when they were in transport from base to the field to do training. So there is cheating all across the bored even the civilian spouses cheat and that goes for men and women…..

        • Someone cheating on their spouse is different from a *** pact! Under no circumstances will I agree to let my husband run wild on deployment! Whether your spouse decides to do it without permission is another story.

          • how is a sex pact different from cheating?! IT"S STILL CHEATING!

          • It is cheating, but it is cheating with permission from both parties. I am NO WAY agreeing to this, defending it, or making allowances for it. I am TOTALLY against it. Yes, there is cheating in the military, but there is cheating in the civilian world, too. I feel if you want to be able to have multiple partners…in any type of relationship (emotional, physical, sexual) then marriage is NOT for you! Move on and be single…and that is for military or civilian.

          • To Cheryl-Why should you be single? If this is a relationship type that two people have together and they are HAPPY and committed to staying together who are you to tell them their marriage isn’t valid. I think if two people are constantly fighting, or one partner is constantly watching football instead of spending family time together that is more of a grounds for divorce. These women love their husbands and they know that infidelity in the military (an ALL relationships) is a factor and they don’t want it to be a factor because aside from *** they have a very good relationship and there is no need to demonize these women for that.

          • HA! This is so absurd! You think a man watching too much football is grounds for divorce, but him not only fantasizing, but ACTUALLY having sex with other women is acceptable? The term "open marriage" is such an oxymoron in itself, so I can't believe you're defending it. A marriage is a vow to be FAITHFUL to your partner. If you can't adhere that MAIN concept of marriage, then marriage is not for you. Period. Not demonizing anyone when I say that (even though I'll think it), it's just a matter of fact. I think any woman (or man) who marries someone in the military and then allows an open marriage is disgusting. You want to have the freedoms of a single life, but you want the MONEY and BENEFITS of being married. It makes me sick that my tax dollars go towards the paychecks of military "families" that do that.

  3. Susan Freemyer | November 27, 2012 at 11:23 am |

    I don't believe we can put infidelity in a box, for one group of people and for only one reason. I've never heard of this kind of pact, however I don't believe someone would tell me if they had one knowing my stand on the subject. People who live this type of lifestyle are not going to openly talk about it with other unless they know that person wouldn't pass judgement against them or respond with a gasp. With that said how much do we really know is truth? Just yesterday I read an article in The Shawnee Dispatch November 20th Newspaper about a "Swingers Club called KC Playroom. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors. Would we be surprised if we knew who was a patron of this establishment? No one person can say it's a Military thing, because it's a human thing.

    • You are absolutely right. My husband and I have been friends with at least 6 other military couples who engage in some level of openness in their marriage. We have participated as well, so it's not just "knowing someone who has". To my knowledge, none has ever used the term "deployment sex pact" and each couple has their own comfort level of how far they will go, but it does happen. I doubt it's anything particular to the miltary, but anecdotally, I do not know of any civilian friends who engage in these practices. Of course, like you said, we don't reveal this side of our relationship unless we are certain of acceptance. We have some extremely close friends who have no idea and would be appalled at what we've done.

    • No its definetly not a military thing, like you said , its a human thing.
      A man OR woman can work a 9-5 job but if they want to have an affair, they'll find a way.

  4. No way. That’s just stupid. If you absolutely cannot control yourself then you probably shouldn’t put your spouse through the grief of staying married to you. That’s just my opinion. I mean grow up! I’m sorry, I know that’s harsh but I obviously would never be comfortable with this sort of thing.

  5. I've been married 8 years. We are currently in our 4th deployment and this will mark his 4th year gone. I think this pact is ridiculous. Opening up your marriage doesn't strengthen it. The idea that it is inevitable is bull! Diana needs to get her facts straigh before writing garbage! The military community already deals with enough crap they don't need sleeping around to be a bigger issue!

  6. I've long said cheating is the same as theft, as you're taking something–the sanctity of your or your illicit partner's marriage–that doesn't belong to you. I know some marriages survive the act, but I can't imagine how. When I was in Vietnam, my wife cheated on me. She admitted it when I got home. I was never able to trust her again (and I resented my own celibacy in Vietnam, even while being proud of it). We soon divorced.
    A deployment sex pact is a pretty disgusting idea. If your love for your partner is insufficient to keep your pants zipped, you have a pretty pathetic marriage.

    • Agreed, this lady needs to go write about another subject she has perfected. She knows nothing of spouses left behind and the soldier who decides to STAY faithful. Jus sayin…My feathers have been riled!

    • Nice to hear the other side of the subject from a military member. I'm so sorry to hear your ex-wife cheated on you! But kudos to you for staying faithful! I hope she didn't ruin your view on marriage…

  7. I have been a military wife since 18 (at first on the enlisted side, now the officer side) and I have NEVER heard of such a thing. If it happens it certainly is not out in the open getting talked about. How odd she is a writer for a military website and yet has NO attachment to the military life.

    • Agreed… WHY is she a writer of the site, with no military tie and obviously a WEAK sense of military life

    • Why is it necessary to make a distinction between enlisted and officer?

      • I think Aimee is just trying to point out that she’s been married since 18 has learned a lot from her young relationship to now. And she did not hear about the *** Pact nonsense on either ends of the relationships to make a stronger point. That’s how I took it.

  8. While a deployment sex pact isn’t for me and my husband. I don’t have an issue with people having one as long as they are BOTH consenting. People’s marriages are none of my business but I’ve yet to find anyone who has or had one.

    • Did you just censor the word ***…?

    • I agree that another couple’s marriage is none of my business. However, I don’t appreciate this novice making a generalization about military marriages. My marraige is not the same as the handful of people that willingly engage in sexual acts outside their marriage. Most of these husbands/wives that claim they have permission to cheat probably don’t.

  9. wow I would think the last thing a deployed soldier would need to know while he is away is that is wife is cheating. My husband was the First Sgt. during one of his deployments. He would have to counsel soldiers that were broken up by problems at home.

    • That's very sad. My husband was deployed in Iraq with a guy who's wife was cheating right in front of him. They(the couple) both were deployed and the guy she was cheating with didn't care. Their chain of command had to separate the husband and the side guy because they were afraid someone( the husband) would have a friendly fire accident. She got in trouble for her actions but didn't care. The husband was so depressed, i felt so bad for him. Most of my husband's unit was divorced when they returned, i've never seen anything like it. I have to say what the husband went through was a blessing in disguise. He eventually found a wonderful women and married her.

  10. As a new military wife I find this outrageous. My husband and I will NEVER have a deployment sex pact. He's deploying in January and both of us WILL be faithful. If she continues to write for this site I will NEVER visit here again – which will be a shame because I have learned a lot on this site.

    • Brittany,
      As you have noticed there are many experience wives military wives just as outraged about this article as you are. Do not let this rediculous female keep you from utilizing Military.com. It is and will be a great support system and resources for you.

      The most daring, courageous, resilient, strong women in the world are The Military Wives.  

  11. Diomarah Carattini | November 27, 2012 at 6:21 pm |

    I have never heard of such a thing, my husband is in the military, I live off base and if he ever heard of such a thing he would be ashamed to even say it out loud, there are cheaters in all branches, as a Military wife I would never accept such a thing, with that said people should do their research and then do it again, before publicizing such Crap and acting like if they have a clue.

  12. ELDERLYREPTILE | November 27, 2012 at 6:23 pm |

    Any information that comes out of FOX NEWS should be taken with (a shot of techila, lemon wedge and) a lot of salt! Don't know HOW their news "Talking Heads" can keep a straight face while reading
    their version of the news.
    On the side, HOW DOES ONE ENFORCE a Pact agreement? In 1941 Hitler (Germany) and Stalin (USSR) signed a Non-Aggression Pact meaning neither would attack the other. The ink was hardly dry before Hitler's forces attacked the USSR. Marriage should be based on love, faith and trust and the belief "You're" both in it good or bad (except for spousal/family abuse). Older wives know and understand this: they enjoy the good times together and share the bad.

    • Your reply cracked me up and made my day. I lift my tequila in your honor!

    • LOL! I don't really watch Fox News, but i always hear negative things about them. I did see the clip from the election coverage, i have to say i did laugh at their shenanigans!

    • First if all, Fox News is the place you will most likely get accurate news information (Really, you keep a straight face with MSNBC/CNN/and some of the others?!). That being said, they are not perfect or the "source of all knowledge" and Diana whoever's column about military sex pacts was unfortunate. What does she know? Sounds like a Hollywood version of military life and marriage. Second, I do agree with you that marriage should be based on love and trust…and sacrifice. A marriage without those elements, won't be a marriage for long. We need to encourage each other! Military marriages can and do survive with fidelity intact – even in the face of the added strain of separation. They can also make you a stronger person and create stronger bonds for having survived the challenges together.

  13. JillofMostTrades | November 27, 2012 at 6:25 pm |

    I have actually heard of this, and I have met couples who have something similar to this… What I find funny is that very few have kids and the ones that do… well… lets just say the service member isn't the father but acts as such anyways. It's like Jerry Springer.
    If my husband even vaguely hinted at being with another woman I would be packed up, and in the car with our little girl before he could even get out "what do you think of that?". As far as I'm concerned you take your vows for a reason and those vows say certain things and I don't believe you can "Love, Honor, and Cherish" someone if your doing someone else. Not to mention, some people carry certain things that don't scrub off….. and seeing as how I'm paranoid about such things… I would NEVER be able to even kiss my husband if I found out he slept with someone else let alone stay married to him….. Yeah… I've been cheated on enough in the past…. I have a 0 Tolerance Policy.

    Women back during WWII rarely could even get a letter out to their husbands and they kept their legs closed…. I suggest women and men now do the same.

  14. My husband has deployed three times and is currently serving his second tour in korea. We have been married for over 15 years and remain married because we are faithful and devoted to each other. These "deployment sex pacts" are real and common, but no more than in the civilian world. These are also the marriages that end in divorce which again is common because of the high levels of stress and the need to be flexible with military life. However, again the same occurs in civilian life. It is irresponsible and insulting for Diana to insinuate that this type of sexual immorality is characteristic of the military.

  15. Katie Eoberson | November 27, 2012 at 6:32 pm |

    Sex outside a marriage is always adultery and always wrong.

  16. This is outrageous! I have never heard of such a thing…

  17. UGH! That article really makes me mad. Just because some military men cheat doesn't mean they ALL do and it doesn't mean it's something military wives accept as coming "with the territory." Not all civilian husbands cheat and not all military husbands cheat. Good freaking grief.

    I also think that these so-called "sex pacts" are a terrible idea. Any sexual relationship outside of your marriage can significantly damage it, even if you've agreed that it's "okay."

  18. The talks of a deployment sex pact is very disheartening being that I am a new military wife. To hear that is the inevitable destiny of my marriage is for my husband and I to betray each other why the hell would I sign up for that?!? I've been married for almost 4 years and I think its disgusting that this woman would write that garbage…we have enough to deal with as military wives.

  19. I understand the need to take reasonable artistic license. *reasonable* is the key word here, and I find nothing resembling reason or responsibility with this nonsense.

  20. The military needs to crack down on those guilty of infidelity. There should be a Zero tolerance policy. If the punishments were severe enough (kicked out of the service with a dishonorable discharge) then this type of thing might be stopped. Now, of course there will always be the cheater in some humans but as a whole most people are not like this and don’t live their married lives this way. I have always said sexual harassment and abuse have never belonged in the workplace whether military or civilian. It simply comes down to making good choices.

    • Woolovereyes | November 28, 2012 at 7:18 am |

      Infidelity and adultey can only be cracked down on if their command finds out and someone is willing to rat them out. The boys club as I will call it will never tell on another shipmate. I was always told what happens on the boat stays on the boat. Sometimes the boat is just barely in port and women are swarming it to nab a sailor. The only way we find out is if the sailor keeps letters as a prize and we find them. I was told by other wives of the infidelity then found the letters but all the way up to the captain everyone on the boat knew but me.

  21. It's amazing that this woman can be so grossly insulting to people like my husband and perpetuate the myth of the military man that has no self control when he is on deployment. I looked and I cannot seem to find a professional license or a background blurb telling me she has an intimate familiarity with the military lifestyle that would indicate to me that she is qualified to give advice or counsel. I would not see her as credible in any way shape or form.

  22. Kblackhall1Cav | November 27, 2012 at 6:39 pm |

    This sickens me. Getting married to someone who is military is a choice. We know what we’re in for and what the risks are. Who gets married with the idea of cheating?! Disgusting.

  23. As a military wife, this absolutely disgusts me. I've heard stories of infidelity during deployment, and never have I heard of these MAJOR discrepancies being agreed to between soldier and spouse, nor ending in anything other than heartache and inevitably, divorce. Deployment is a time where marriages are tested, and both soldier and spouse must remain strong and stay true to one another. I've personally NEVER felt that staying true to my soldier is a challenge, and I'm happy to say that the other many military couples I have been blessed to know continue to exist in a happy, healthy marriage and far, far away from the negative and disturbing stigma that comes with deployment and military marriage. It is a shame that people like Petreaus represent the US military and give military families such a poor reputation. Cheating is wrong in all situations, whether you are a soldier or a businessman. However, if you decide to accept the rewarding, yet challenging life that is a military, then you (both spouse and military member) accept that your marriage is through thick and thin; you do not stray away from one another. I understand that personal matters are personal matters, however I think that this so-called "pact" is very sad. If you cannot manage to live without sexual intimacy during such an important time in your marriage, don't be married.

  24. Adultery is adultery….. Infidelity is infidelity. Loyalty and faithfulness should be held close to your heart and not compromised regardless of the length of or frequency of a deployment. And yes…. I was a Navy wife during the first Gulf War.

  25. Isn’t adultery a pretty serious matter in the military anyways? I know a few guys that have been kicked out over such things. **** my ex was getting with other women before he was even deployed and I didn’t agree with it at all.

  26. My husband and I did not get married just to cheat. If you are that low in character that you can’t control a primitive physical urge then maybe you need to seek counsel for other issues besides marital infidelity. This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard and to see this woman say that “cheating practically comes with the territory” for military wives is insulting to all of us, civilian and military, that believe in the true sanctity of marriage.

    • Amen! This is what is wrong with our society. Deteriorating family values and lack of loyalty and personal responsibilty. Why get married in the first place? Ugh. Disgusting!

      • I concur, I married my wife for good and bad and she has gotten more of the bad due to my health issues. Yet she doesn't look outside the marriage… more than sex a bond!

  27. I don't think the military needs to crack down on infidelity. What happens behind bedroom doors is no one's business but those involved.

  28. I know of 2 couples who have deployment *** pacts. 1 almost had their marriage end, and he is now retired. The other are a very young couple on their first deployment. Cheating is cheating. I knew going into my marriage that deployments would be a huge part of our lives. Cheating however, is NOT. What a slap in the face to military spouses to group us all into that category. Shame.

  29. This is Bull, people who cheat are cheaters they are going to do it it has nothing to do with the Military. But, having a military spuse deployed is a temptation to everyone those that are home and those that are deployed. It is up to the individual to be loyal to their spouse if they aren't the deserve a divorce and all the pain that goes with it. It is called loyalty and commitment. The article is stupid and imagins the worst and that everyone is not loyal to their spouse. Wrong.

  30. I love how people just assume things! Most ridiculous thing I’ve herd yet!!!

  31. I’m relatively new to the military life, but I did spend 10 years living and working abroad with my first Husband. I have seen numerous marriages destroyed by cheating spouses (mostly traveling Husbands). This issue is definitely not a Military only problem.

  32. You all must be dreamers! I have never in my entire life seen such an cheating bunch of military spouses and soldiers… So many marriages broke apart and this the norm! I’m speacking here the full truth and what I am gona say now is freakn shocking but this hole sex pact or cheating thing is not left there we also have a hoooole lot of swingers under us!!! I am disgusted!!! If you don’t believe me check any graigslist that’s near to a military base!!! You’ll think the half base is gay and sexually going nuts… It’s like all they think of is sex besides their work… Now I don’t want to reveal which army base I am currently but been at two already and I can point out the ppl here and there who r into that type nasty things… I say nasty coz they these individuals r not even holding back by inviting ppl. To their homes and asking them to join their group… And lord don’t get me started by the Freemason military club!!!!

    • I agree with you. Sad but true.

      • nicolebrown011012 | November 27, 2012 at 8:07 pm |

        So sad but very, very true! You will find them on online dating sites probably every online site has a lot of military soldiers and spouses if its near a military base def!

  33. I was military and am married to a service member. We have talked about it before we were married. Now that we are married I would not be ok with it. But also from being in I know that soldiers have what they call “desert boo’s”. Married and single find someone they can be sexually active with for the time of the deployment. A lot of married Soldiers cheat and more then people know. I never knew until I joined the army and it was like almost every one who was married was cheating. Soldiers you would never think would be that one and yup they are. Deployments are a perfect time because the chances of the spouse finding out is slim. Knowing this makes being married in the military world hard.

    • The best advice i would give anyone is don't worry about the things you can't control. You trust your spouse until they give you a reason not to. You may have a faithful spouse, but insecurities will make both of you miserable. I know all about desert wives, deployment hookups, or whatever you want to call them. As soon as some soldiers find out they're being deployed they put in their "resume" to females before they even get to their destination. I've heard of soldiers fighting over companions. Officers are just as bad because they target those young females that are flattered to have higher ranking males pay them attention. One thing i know is that gossip, comparing/measuring your husband's faithfulness by the action of others can mess up your marriage. I promise you, a woman knows when something isn't right, but don't go looking for trouble.

  34. This is crazy…. My husband and I have been married a year and we would never make such a pact… The whole point of being married is being loyal and only with that one person for the rest of ur life… Women who do this discuss me seriously he is out their fighting he don’t need to worry about who ur doing that week… Seriously

  35. Also to add I know soldiers who have deployed and been faithful and they come home to find out their spouse has cheated. So it isn’t just the soldiers cheating but yes spouses are to. There is a lot of cheating done by both parties in the military life.

  36. And I don't agree with her because when I married my husband I took an oath and if I ever feel the need to cheat then our marriage is crap and we would be better off apart because obviously it would be over anyway. And I can only pray my husband stays faithful during his deployment. Knowing he wasn't in a past relationship of his when he was deployed makes it harder but I trust him and don't think he would do that to myself or our daughter.

  37. There ARE such pacts, at least some of the people we know in the IG realm have had to prosecute and investigate them, but those are done on either the deployed side by a lack of leadership and who aren't thinking as they should after months apart–or those kinds of things have occurred in the community when the spouse is gone and the wife or hubby gets lonely. I think that marriages/military marriages who rest on the "it doesn't happen" or think that this is completely idiotic for us to discuss or that it's "all in the past" are also naive and wrong. It's important to realize that our best leaders, the biggest generals of the last century, some presidents (including Roosevelt, not the Kennedy and Clinton stories- so worn out…) and founding Fathers (and, probably if we knew the truth, founding Mothers, too!) were not faithful to their spouses. Recent headlines may scare us, but instead, it needs to make everyone more aware of what's going on in their marriages.

    • I strongly agree with you JenJ. You said it exactly how it is. It is a fact it is going on everyday these pacts are being made. People don't want to except it. I think it is better to talk about it and be aware that it does happen rather then be in denial. It may save marriages.

  38. I’m an army wife of 7 years and 3 deployments and this is new to me. I have never heard of such a pack.

  39. I think all of you are afraid to admit that this is a common fact i know a whole group of many Army service people that participate in open marrige. That does not mean we all do or that we have to agree with it but it is out there. I also have 3 close military wives all soldiers in a dual military marriage whos husbands have cheated on them while deployed or at AIT and they simply turned the cheek. I also know of couples who cheat when their spouses are gone and it is dont ask dont tell from both sides. This type of thing seems to really happen in the younger generation of marriages but it does happen all the time! I am 36 and my husband 37 he has been in the Army for 9 years we have no such pact and as far as I know we have both been 100% faithful and we have our own pacts to keep it that way from internet, skype naughty pictures and steamy txt and facebook messages that my friends is a military way of life and reality is sometimes hard to accept you may think he is faithful while in Iraq or Afghanistan but I know so many storiesthat my husband has told me of cheating going on down range.

  40. I've seen un-faithfulness from both sides of the line, as a service member and as a military spouse. And in both cases the lying cheating SOB did not have the permission of his wife. When I was a young person in the service I was stationed in Korea. Sex is very easy to get there and many men don't think of it as cheating since to them it's just sex. After I got out and got married to a service member and he was stationed in Korea, two of his friends came to me insisting that since he was probably cheating they would be happy to help me give him some tit for tat revenge. Jerks! When I insisted that he was faithful one of them looked at me with pity and said I was deluding myself, but I know my husband. I also knew one of the women he was hanging out with. My husband was used by a small group of women as a shield to keep rumors from flying about their sexuality. It had happened before we were married and stationed in different parts of Korea. He was safe with them from the advances of the bar girls and they were safe from unwanted advances when they were with him. My husband is just not that good at lying to be able to cheat on me with that number of women and change his spots when he comes home. As for those I saw over there cheating on their wives, they tried to pull that "what goes on in Korea stays in Korea" crap on me. Every "round eye" is a target over there. A retired NCO tried to convenience me to leave the military and join his escort service. Korean men love "round eyes" he said. No sex involved I'd just be a status symbol at a business dinner like a geisha. Yeah, right! One of the saddest results from women becoming regular service was that young women have no senior women to go to for advice on how to handle the predatory Male. The closest I've ever heard of a so called "sex pact" really had nothing to do with sex. I have known two young service members to get married just to have off post housing. This so called "sex pact" just sounds like a male urban legend.

  41. I read her article. Her last sentence clearly states that she doesn't support these "pacts" at all. She just makes a case for their existence, and the existence of cheating. Maybe you could argue she doens't support her arguements that well, but I have anecdotally heard of these "pacts" long enough to conclude that they probably do exist at some very low level, and we all know that cheating is rampant, unfortunately. Her article should not send shivers down the spines of faithful loving couples. Keep the faith people…

    • But still, her basic premise is that cheating and infidelity are par for the course in military marriages. And we know that is not true.

      • Amy, with respect…I served 20 plus years and I seen plenty of faithful loving couples and plenty of cheaters. To deny that is to have blinders on. I belive this is why the mil divorce rate has hovered around 50% for some years now. Like I said, couples who are committed to thier marriage will survive…..

  42. This is really crazy. Cheating is never ok. My husband is deployed Now and has been since June. I Took a trip out to see him while he was deployed. None of the sailors seen to be misbehaving and we were out in a semi-club setting with alcohol flowing. If thats the case do not get married. If you feel that you can not be faithful for a few month then your not ready for that Type of committment. . If thats the case do not get married. Non military spouse women seem to think they know everything about everything military. And they dont. You dont have the right to disect a marriage military or not!

  43. Hasn't anyone ever heard of a B.O.B. (battery opperated boyfriend) or for the guys a pocket p**** ? I mean seriously, cheating is cheating. If you are going to be unfaithful then don't get married. Most naive women think that marrying military is all glamourous, but it's not all roses. Chances are you are going to be seperated at one point in time so that is what support systems are there for. I have been a military spouse since 2006 and I came into this marriage knowing it was not going to be easy. Both my husband and I were both cheated on in our previous relationships so that is an abosulte deal breaker for us.

  44. While I don't think it is more common in the military life, it is a lifestyle that is becoming increasingly popular and accepted. A military marriage is different than a traditional marriage in the sense that a civilian spouse isn't gone for 6-12 months every other year. That presents a more of a challenge in closeness, bonding, etc. I feel that if a couple wants to have an open marriage during deployment, then so be it as long as both parties are in agreement. I have been a military spouse for 17 years, and over the years I have seen how much cheating happens during deployments, on both parts, deployed and the spouse left behind. If a couple has an agreement and it allows their marriage to remain intact, then so be it.

  45. Cluck, cluck, cluck. You hens are all aflutter… Sounds like some insecurities rising, but to be fair, your spouses probably are cheating on you.

    • Do you prefer Richard or ****. Like it matters, but just so you know not all men cheat. So talk for yourself.

  46. I couldn't imagine even presenting something like that to my husband. We are on our second deployment together in three years and honestly when you truly love your partner sex isn't the only thing that keeps you both happy in the marriage. Yes we both desire one another in the other's absence but we keep out marriage strong without sex through communicating our emotional attachment to the other and little signs of affection through small gifts sent via care package that say I am always thinking of you and want you to know that. Just searching allover town to buy as many Zagnut candy bars as I can because they are his favorite and a rare find in our town to send them to him can be enough to show I love him without even having to touch him. i have never heard of anyone in a loving stable marriage consenting to an open sexual relationship during deployments. I can't even fathom why someone would want to willingly commit adultery if they love their spouse so much they'd simply wait like the rest of us.

    • Yep, this is me. Every time my husband deployed I loved going to Sam's club and buying bulk stuff to send him. He was known as the pizza guy during his first deployment because I sent him a presto pizza maker, boboli crusts, pizza sauce, pepperoni and gouda cheese in the wax so it wouldn't spoil. :)

  47. She wrote “military couples feel deployment sex pacts dilute the sanctity of marriage”. I think her article dilutes the sanctity of all marriages! And if she is such an expert on the military then why does she refer to them as only soldiers or officers?

  48. Really? I have been a military spouse for twenty years and this is the most rediculous thing I have ever heard. In fact, I would say my marriage is a heck of a lot stronger than any old regular marriage. Especially after nine med cruises and one west PAC. Malarkey!!!!!

  49. As a nurse and a navy wife maybe that would explain why the military has higher STD rates than other population. I, personally have never heard of such a contract, and if I was ever asked by my husband to do that I would be gone and moving back to my hone state before the day was done.

  50. William Simmons | November 27, 2012 at 7:37 pm |

    26 years in the Army, enlisted and officer…never heard of such a thing. The closest was a scandal years ago about "swapping" clubs. Turned out to be true in Europe in the 70's. But, this idea of a special deployment pact being "common" is simply silly. Brittany and NewNavyWife, don't believe this nonsense. If God forbid, infidelity visits your relationship or those around you….it most certainly was not as a result of a pact.

  51. sundevilblonde | November 27, 2012 at 7:37 pm |

    I have to say, i'm a military wife & my husband and I DID have a deployment sex pact of sorts. We discussed it seriously and realistically that while he was deployed enduring extreme stress and all that comes with deployment that if engaging in sexual behavior helped him through it, it was okay. We agreed that it would be a strictly "no strings attached" type deal. The pact didn't allow me to be unfaithful because I wasn't enduring the same horrible things that he was. It was just a safety net and an open door we decided on so that our marriage would not be plagued with lies and cheating, had he needed that "escape" while overseas. I can't say it was enjoyable but when you love someone, especially one sacrificing their life, I couldn't imagine not doing whatever it takes to make his/her experience a little easier.

  52. 1 thing I noticed about all these comments is it they are all from females. wake up ladies do you think you’re going to be gone for year and a half and not get some strange. and the reason you haven’t heard of it is because the guys are not going to tell you about it they’re going to do it even without your permission

    • Med I wish I could 1000 times like this. And it's true for both parties. Some people just live in denial and don't want to accept that if its going to happen then it is. The cheater will do it regardless. The pact just makes less drama for some bc both couples agree but even if they don't if they want to mess around with someone else they will.

      • If its a pact then you would hear of it. FYI my husband tells me everything. He doesn’t even like going on TDYs with fellow military members who misbehave.

    • Yes I am a female and have been a military wife for over twenty years. Do spouses cheat? Yes. Spend time In any corporation and you will see it there too. People that are going to cheat do just that, cheat! It doesn’t matter if they are civilian or military. You tend to hear more about it In the military world more than the civilian world because someone is always looking for a way to put the military down and we have a lot more young people getting married. My husband was killed I’m front of my face this year and to my knowledge he never cheated and I know for a fact I didn’t. The ones that do have to live with their own decisions.

  53. Dear, lady that’s full of crap ( deployment *** pact),

    I have been faithfully married to my husband for almost ten years, and we, as in he and I, have never heard such a thing. Now there are unfaithful, nasty, and selfish people that may be the military member or the spouse that may cheat. That does happen and when it does it ends in divorce, but most military couples have been through so much they are like best friends. Now please tell me who would want some other person touching their best friend, the love of their life, and the parent of their children. I know I wouldn’t and I sure as **** don’t want some other man touching me.

    So lady full of crap please take a clue and get a new job.

    Yours truly,
    A faithful USAF Spouse.

  54. Wow, some of you really do have your heads in the sand. While I wouldn't call it "common", these "sex pacts" do exist, I knew more than one couple that did it. Whatever gets a couple through the deployments, every couple is different. Both the author of this article and the journalist reporting on this issue reside on the extreme ends of this issue. The truth lies somewhere in between.

    • After almost 3 full decades of being an Army wife–I have NEVER heard of this. I guess it depends on who you hang out with??? You know birds of a feather and all that.

      • Scott,
        You're the one whose head is buried in sand. Read this: Real men don't cheat, only the morally weak ones. Period.

      • That's right M5783! If you're a whorish individual, that's exactly what you'll attract!@Scott, I don't know if this truely exist or not. I've never come into contact with individuals that actually do this. I've heard rumors, like the lady on Fox News but i can't say that's so true. I know it's true that people in general cheat, military on not. You're right it's not common! I don't think anyone can tell you what's common in the military, they can tell you what goes on at certain locations based off personal experiences. With 143+ bases in the USA and more overseas, how can anyone tell you what's common in the military in general?

  55. I have been an Army wife for almost 30 years. I have NEVER heard of this. Stay strong and faithful.

  56. After almost 30 years of being an Army wife, I have Not ever heard of this. Neither has hubby.

  57. Well stated. My military husband and I have spent a little more than 4 years of our 15 year marriage apart because of deployments. No *** pacts. Oh, and I literally have been around the Army my entire life, and I’m a 4th generation Army officer myself. Guess what: never heard of such. Had one friend who’s neighbor told her that another neighbor hit on her and said his wife wouldn’t mind. Does that count? In 45 years, that’s the only anecdote I’ve got. This foolishness is wrong about 8 ways to Sunday. I for one would like Military.com to outline their editorial policy for us so we can understand to what standard their writers are held and what we can expect as far as a retraction and apology. Military spouses don’t need this mess.

    • LOL! "8 ways to Sunday!" Love it! I agree, I think you should be connected to the Milspouse community in some way to write about us. I've heard that Fox News reports misleading or out right false information. Maybe there are couples in the military that have sex pacts, but assuming that type of behavior is normal for military marriages is very misleading!

  58. LPO'sLeadingLady | November 27, 2012 at 8:21 pm |

    I personally am with a military man who has already been cheated on during deployment. We have talked about cheating and how it is what it is. And it’s not okay. EVER.

  59. Hmm, been married 17 years, been through 3 deployments and countless TDY's in that time. Never heard of anything so absurd. lol It's really laughable.

  60. The Fox News opinion article is disgusting. Cheating does not "come with the territory" in military marriages. It's people like her who continue to perpetuate the stereotype and make it seem as if it's okay when it's definitely not.

  61. I know that what happens in Singapore stays in Singapore have seen married or in serious relationship sailors hookup its not the norm but it sure the hell ain't rare.

  62. Humans are not meant to be monogomous, plain and simple.

    • Wrong: Weak males cannot be counted on to be monogamous, plain and simple.

    • Are you a primate, or an evolved being? You can overcome primal urges, and we have. That's the beauty of having such an amazing mind that other creatures do not possess.

    • Steven,
      You are a disgusting punk, and a weak minded fool! My wife and I have remained faithful through 35 years of marriage, four in the US Army. Just because you don’t have the guts, brains, dedication, decency, discipline, character, and faith to keep your little winky in your pants, doesn’t mean no one else does!
      You are disgusting!

      remained faithful to each other through 35 years of mariag

  63. This is bull. I was an Army wife, through three year long deployments in six years, and nothing could be further from the truth. Out of my MANY military friends, none of them, either, ever had such a "pact." The only "pact" my husband and I made was to send each other sexy pics and steamy emails….no cheating involved.

  64. I have been a married military spouse for 23 years and yes I have heard of this. We have known two different couples who had an agreement. Both couples agreed that during deployments anything goes… They were both allowed to cheat as long as it didn’t happen in the home they had together. I don’t know if they are still together or not. I think that it was easier 20 plus years ago for this to happen because there weren’t cell phones or emails so when someone deployed it could be 5 months before you heard from your military person. I don’t agree with it.

  65. usmcoperater | November 27, 2012 at 9:08 pm |

    I think my wife took the deployment pact without me knowing

  66. I was an Army spouse for 24 years and not once did I hear about so-called "deployment sex pacts". So I feel qualified to say to Diana: You don't have any experience on which to make your statements, and you are mistaken that such a thing exists. P.S. I know of many, many happily married military spouses who are faithful to their partners, but that news would most likely bore Ms. Diana.

  67. I’m sorry I may be old fashion but cheating is cheating plain and simple. The military has the code of honor and respect but my husband was having an affair with a woman that is also military and all he got was a 30 day no contact order I found it shameful on both ends marriage of 17 yrs lost and he got 30 day no contact oh and his contract was extended for 4 more yrs to retirement and that’s with the Col. And 1st shirt knowing I felt like I’d been stomped on all over it is sad that we military spouses mean absolutely nothing

  68. Those who cheat are not truly in love. They may love their S/O but not in pure… *** is not as important as a happy pure heart. I waited all my life to meet someone like my husband and no one, no deployment will EVER change that

  69. I do know of a couple who have an “open relationship ” when he’s away, but their relationship is messed up as it is. He’s been caught cheating several times while at home. Like I said messed up relationship to begin with…once that door is opened it brings nothing but trouble.

    I never cheated on my husband when he was deployed, when I married my husband it was to be with him only. The vows we took are valid here… anywhere…they are not void when he’s in another continent. It’s kind of sad to think some people don’t value their marriage and will trade it for instant gratification.

  70. As a military spouse, I find this attitude of "cheating comes with the territory" highly insulting to spouses and service members. Not everyone has a problem keeping it zipped! Seriously, "news" (for lack of a better term) like this makes deployments, training and TDYs sound more like frat parties then preparing to stay alive or completing a mission. In all the years I've been a MilSpouse, I haven't heard of the "pacts," and I can't imagine how something like that would strengthen a marriage. While infidelity in the military has made major headlines in the past few weeks, let's keep in mind that what doesn't make the headlines are the thousands of married military couples that are faithful and true to each other, who respect themselves, their spouses and their families enough to not be stupid and risk it all. Military families have enough on their plates. Do we really need someone to stir that pot and add to the anxiety?

  71. I would like to point out that it is against the UCMJ to have an affair so I do not think it is good evidence that this practice does not exist just because people do not confirm it ONLINE WHERE EVERYONE CAN READ IT. That would be pretty stupid.

  72. I just read this to my husband and his only response was laughing and saying wow. It's unbelievable the things people come up with. Sure I've heard of open marriages, swingers etc in civilian life, military life, at overseas diplomatic posts etc, but that doesn't mean everyone or even the majority are doing it. I've never heard of this 'blogger' so I can only say that she is way off base on this one, however I'm not surprised that Foxnews is reporting it, they are the least factual news agency outside of The Onion. If my active duty husband ever even thought of a 'sex pact', he knows my response would be a threatening I wish you would, because I didn't get married to share a partner regardless of his occupation.

  73. Both of these articles make me mad. Why? Because they are both extremes. To say that a sex pact is wide spread in the military is just as false as saying that it is a myth. After 12 years and four boats as a Navy Submariner I can tell you that sex pacts do exist, and they are not a "one-in-a-million" circumstance.
    The entirety of the married men in the engineering department of one sub that I served on had varying degrees of these sex pacts. To solidify the fact that this was not just "guy-talk" while out at sea, there was a customary post deployment party that escalated to wife swapping and even sharing with the single men who were at the party. This had become the culture at that command.
    What was even more intriguing about it was that there seemed to be a carry over of military rules into how this took place. Junior members could not participate directly with senior members, accept as how the military allowed social functions to be conducted. For those that don't understand, it was like this: An E-5 could have a three-some with an E-6 and his wife. An E-6 could swap wives with an E-7. Under no circumstances could an E-5 do anything with an E-7 because the gap causes it to appear to be fraternization.

    In any case, these are not actions that I condone, though I did participate in one pseudo-orgy as a young sailor because I had assumed that the women at my first party of this nature were all single girls from the homeport area. Also, in the folly of youth, I was quite drunk and sowing my wild oats, so to speak. I had only reported to the command a week before the ship returned home and the engineering guys were determined to give me a very robust welcome.

    To offset this, I will say that one boat, at least, had no evidence of this at all and I can definitely see how a deployment on a Submarine is not quite the same as a deployment with a Marine platoon. Liberty for the typical submariner is a three day foreign port, during the three month deployment, that parks the boat on a pier right next to all the typical Navy town strip clubs, bordellos, liquor stores, and in some cases, casinos. Liberty for a deployed Marine is probably more akin to having a weekend off duty with no where to go but his dusty tent in the sand…maybe there is an X-Box, Internet, and a TV.

  74. I am a military spouse to a deployed soldier. I have heard the infidelity stories and have seen the evidence. Sadly, infidelity does in fact exist among some deployed military individuals. Their way of thinking is 'out of sight, out of mind.' I agree with the other commentor that indidelity should have a zero tolerance.This is very sad to me and even infuriates me. I recall a conversation about the topic of infidelity that I had with my husband after he deployed. He said one thing to me. He said, "Being faithful or unfaithful is what seperates the men from the boys." The "deployment sex pact" is rediculous.. In my opinion, it is another excuse for a cheater to have permission for their wrong doings. There are no 'special' vows for military spouses that states certain sexual activities or pacts are acceptable in the case of deployment or any time apart. Why is Diana working for Military.com if she has no experience in the military lifestyle as a spouse or soldier? If I am going to read advice, I want it written from someone who has "been there done that."

  75. My old roommate was in the service and this type of thing does happen. He slept with another soldiers wife while he was deployed and later had a situation where he was in the same place as the deployed soldier. No confrontation happened, because he and his wife had an open relationship while he was deployed. so, it may not happen often but it does happen

  76. MrsNavySeabee | November 27, 2012 at 11:46 pm |

    How ignorant! I've been on both sides of deployment, and I can say in my experience every time, both on deployment and at home holding down the fort, cheating is NOT the norm, nor is it looked at as OK. It is cause for shame in the military community, just as much if not more in other communities. Talk about irresponsible and flat out ignorant writing! This angers me, because we military families find it so difficult to "fit in" with the civilian communities around us as it is, we don't need people looking at us like we are some undisciplined, sex crazed community too!

  77. I would have to agree…this isn't a pact that I know of between a married couple…now I know that a military member has cheated while on deployment and the wife never knew…and I have seen a military wife cheat and the husband never knew…it is about the cheaters themselves…and their lack of integrity…now I have seen open marriages…but just like everyone else they were civilians…

    It is fair to say that a married couples sex life or arrangement that is agreed upon between the two, we cannot judge. To say that it comes with military marriages is obsurd…I would flip if I found out he was unfaithful..it would hurt so bad…but then my husband would lose his mind to think I would do such a thing…he has already lived that with his first two wives…he divorced them…who wants someone that is thinking of someone else…that is my opinion…I like to focus just on us…the kids…the house…the Navy and now getting close to retirement…

  78. My husband had a “*** pact” without my knowledge. I was living in the states with my two kids, he in Germany. He called me from some German girl’s house and said she was just a friend. Well his “friend” is now 3 months pregnant. Cheating happens on both sides and it doesn’t matter whether it’s a cilvillian or a military member. I think most cheating happens with or without a pact. And when I was living in Germany with my husband we had several neighbors who cheated during deployments and claimed their spouse was ok with it.

  79. As a new military wife remembering the stories my husband shared with me while we were dating, about all of the adultery that was going on I am discouraged. I know military retirees who speak about codes thy used, so the cheating is very real. I think it just get swept up under the rug. This all makes me want to get a divorce before it happens. So, what do you do?

    • You'll ruin your marriage with constant insecurities. I honestly think you should've thought about that before you said i do. Leaving him now would cause him to be depressed or even jaded. You can't compare/measure your husband based of the actions of others. I guess my question would be, why did you marry him in the first place? Nothing that happens around you should change what you know to be true about your spouse. Don't you think he worries about all the stories he hears about cheating wives? You both are in the same boat of trust, you soldier has to trust you just as much as you have to trust him. Instead of looking for ways to end your marriage, look for ways to make it stronger.

  80. My husband has talked about, this everytime as if its okay, but I for one believe thats its true. But since its a don’t ask, don’t tell theu sweeps it under the rug. Lets talk about the pink PT belt *** selling females e in Kuwait. You just not going to tell me your husband or mines have not stepped out its no pact they just do it and think we will never find out.

  81. At Queen, girl you better run it do happen everyday. No you don’t need a pact, they all wonder off.

  82. keeping it real | November 28, 2012 at 1:49 am |

    I don’t know where half of these women have been ….most men in military cheat with women in their battalion or close on post. I was n military and I have seen it all. I have even had affairs with married men and I know who the wife is when the wife is out of town or at work I was n her house I’m not proud of the dirt I have done but when your young and wild……..especially recruiters its easy to chest with them because their stationed away from home and they travel a lot . Reality is if they want to cheat they can…..the easiest thing is a married man that way you don’t have to be bothered all the time. Ladies wake up and smell the coffee its probably the same female that has been bowling with you and your husband…..probably introduced u to her at a party…..cheating in the military is an everyday event whether u realize it or not its happening….

    • It's ignorant to assume people behave the same way you do just as it is ignorant all military wives behave the same way based on a few stories. Not only am I proud of my husband because he's a damn good Marine, he's an amazing husband and father to our daughter and we both have a commitment to be good role models for our children. It's sad to see people attacking our character when we proudly and FAITHFULLY stand by our men.

    • Well, since you're keeping it real, i'll be real with you. Don't ever get married! Your husband will drag you through the mud, you reap what you sow. There's no way of getting around it, when you get it back it'll be 10x worse. You don't have to take my word for it, just watch and learn. I know that you attract your own kind, a whorish spirit attracts many like themselves. You should understand that there are 143+ bases in the USA and even more overseas. As many times as you've been around i'm sure you haven't made your rounds to all of them, so what's the norm for you is not the norm for everyone in the service……was that real enough for you?

  83. This seriously just pushes ALL the wrong buttons. As a soon to be military wife (airforce engaged) I would be mortified if my husband ever did this. There is no way in **** I would EVER take part in this nor could I be uinfaithul to him. I’ve already lived through him being gone for months on end and the only thing that ever crossed my mind was him. This lady is a nut. It really ****** me off that she hasn’t ever had to experience what we go through when our loves ones are deployed. Someone needs to shut her blog off.

  84. Deployment sex pact? My husband and I have one. I use vibrators and he uses soap in the shower. Lol wth is wrong with people? We military spouses are as tough as they come. For some lady to call herself an expert on advice and post we have sex pacts is insane. I have been married to the man of my dream for ten years and we have never thought of anything like that. My husband sees blue when working-not female or male. You are there to get the mission done. Not be sex partners.

  85. I know lots of people in all three clubs-happy ever after, ex n alternative marriages. I think it’s way more prevalent than u might think.and I think that admitting that they exist means that it’s not 100% wrong. It’s just like gay people in the military-out doesn’t change the way u serve to admit that others serve differently.

  86. Twenty years male here been deployed for probably 19 of them. SINGLE. Although it does happen, and commonly, I do not think it goes on any more than in the civilian world. I have seen many business people that go on trips and find someone to hook up with. Lots of my married buddies are completely faithful to their spouses even they might go to a titty bar with us to look they would NEVER step out! Then there are the ones who do say what happens on deployment stays there. But that is truly a minority! There are lots of temptations out there no doubt. I have had a few married wives come on to me. Pretty ones tempted but I always said no. Funny thing a lot of the deployed females ONLY want married guys!! I have had a few conversations with them and the only thing I get out of it is that they are attracted to a family guy! When I point out that if they cheat with them they will cheat with anyone it seems like I strike a chord, like they never thought of that!!

  87. As I've seen earlier in the posts and the column, if a both partners are not strong enough in their relationship and will power to "keep your pants zipped" then they shouldn't even be married. It takes a strong kind of person to remain faithful in absence. Though in the case of basic or AIT things seem easier to keep in touch such as regular letters and – if allowed – cell phones in AIT (in our case we are hoping to be allowed our cell phones with front facing cameras to make our conversations a bit more personal and to help ease the stress).
    Kids (I say kids and I'm only 21 :/) tend to have this romantic view of how life will be married to a military person and the life at the base and etc. yet they dont even realize that it's difficult. It's moving around, it's months and sometimes years apart, and it's much more responsibility especially when you have kids.

  88. The lady did a piece on something she heard. If everyone stops jumping to conclusions she says at the end that until people says they have such a pact she feels its a myth. It is every couples right to have whatever marriage they want. However, I dont see why people would feel that EVERY military couple has one of these pacts cause that is crazy. Different couples have different rules. More power to them. If both are consenting then hey, its not OUR marriage its theirs. I do know of a couple that does have their own rules during deployment. Hey who am I to say it is wrong?? Its not my marriage. Is it cheating?? NO, not if both adults agree with the rules. I wouldnt see how it is cheating. Cheating means different things to everyone. Its a article and that is all it is. I find it more entertaining that people get their panties in a wad so easily over a article. Just cause a paper or whatever says it doesnt mean it is true for all or even any. However in this case I bet there is couples that do do this. I bet also, that it is their marriage to do with as they please. Now if both couple are not on track on their rules then its cheating.

    • People are getting their “panties in a wad” because this writer clearly has no ethics. We’re wondering what happened to research and truth. To publish an article based on hearsay is absurd and unfortunately, thought provoking in a negative way. All I can say to those who do it or think it’s no big deal is if people do it….Have fun with your divorce! – with that mentality, they’re clearly not long term material.

  89. keeping it real | November 28, 2012 at 9:14 am |

    To all u blind wives i probably had your man too at some point. You just mad that u know lm telling the truth…..ALL MILITARY MEN CHEAT……AND I’VE B EEN MARRIED FOR 19 YEARS SO HOW ABOUT THAT…..STAY MISERABLE BECAUSE IN THE BACK OF YOUR MIND U WONDERING IS MY HUSBAND CHEATING TOO….YES HE IS……HAHAHA

    • I had plenty of bimbos like you hit on me and try to get me to cheat. But I never met one that came close to being half the woman and mother my wife is. I've been married for twenty-two great years now and just retired from the Army of twenty-six years. Been on many training exercises, and leadership schools where there were many different Soldiers and other service members had a lot of great times but NEVER strayed once. Its all about yourself worth and commitment to your partner. It also says a lot about your values and morals. Not all military personnel cheat. There are a large number of us that do respect our spouses and love them.

  90. I was in the Army as an enlisted man not a General officer who had a hit biographer with me. When u got deployed it was all men and we were getting shot at. Or deployed for training. We didn’t have access to women. On the other hand I saw many a married man from my units come home to a cheating wife.

  91. I wouldn’t say it was a common thing in the military but my husband and I are in an arrangement like this and we are not “headed” for divorce we are both very happy. So I say if this is a path a couple takes then let them be.

  92. never heard of a sex pact, but I know for a fact that at least half of my friends wives cheated on them while they were deployed, and it's probably more than half if we dig deeper

  93. Are you kidding me? A deployment sex pact? I don't think so. I will agree to this, as long as my husband agrees to a divorce! That is insulting to put military marriages in this category! And she is not even a military spouse!

  94. Given*** sorry

  95. If Spousebuzz.com truly values their readers, they will get rid of this idiotic writer. She has no business opening a can of worms (an imaginary one at that, since I've NEVER heard of this ridiculous sex pact) for military spouses when she has no ties to this life whatsoever. If she's has actually ever met a person who makes this pact with their spouse, they are clearly low life scum, not the "involved" type who would be on here reading articles in the first place. The fact that her ONLY ties to the military are to these people she hears about sex pacts from is an clear indicator of the type of person she is and who she surrounds herself with. We don't need a bottom-feeding Ms. Vicki wannabe trying to give us advice on our lives when it's clear she's the one who needs a little direction. I wonder how many would be willing to sign a petition to get rid of her?????

  96. I DO NOT have a sex pact with my husband and I do not know anyone who has one. This is complete BS. I have heard of guys trying to say well they are in a different time zone blah blah blah, but I have heard that with long distance relationships too. An it is not only men cheating it is also woman. My husband is on his 2nd deployment we have had no problems. His first deployment he actually had another soldier who was interested in him he thought they were friends he talked about his family with her. Until a close male friend told him to watch how she acted with him an how she did with others. Needless to say he told her he could not hang out with her any more cause she wanted something he did not want with her he is happily married.

  97. As a Marine Wide of 6 years to a grunt that has been deployed most of our marrage and as a prior active duty marine my self hell no this is not part of the live of military marrage. Their is people that forgive and save their marrage from infidelity from aither person, but that is a total different thing. I my self would never forgive it, a marrage is a bond of 2 people that desided that they were going to be together and respect each other. As my husbad has said ” why would I throw away what we have worked so hard for and risk losing my family, or bring who knows what home just because I can control my self, NO THANK YOU ” and its true as a military family you work so hard and go throw so much but at the end you have your family waiting at the end of each deployment to just not give a dam no way. I personaly think this person owes all military spouses an apology for her lack of respect, and generalizing her coments “opinion” to all servis members and there spouses as facts when they are not.

  98. Although the UCMJ says adultry is punishable by courtmartial, this rarely happens that i have seen. those wives who believe that their husbands and boyfirends are not cheating or that the wives at home who are just waiting for thier husbands and or boyfirends to get on that boat and ship out so they can go to the bar and get sex are blind. I have seen it happen over and over again, I have seen men come home from deployment and the wife has moved in another sailor/ civilian man in to thier navy funded housing.

    I was deployed in Iraq and during pre deployment / deployment / and post deployment I can honestly tell you many of the men and women deployed were having sex. see part 2

  99. PART2
    Not only oral but otherwise. The upper command turned a blind eye as long as it did not end in pregnancy or compromise the mission at hand. the army/ Marines/ airforce handed out condoms the whole time the navy said if you do it you are in trouble, i thought this was stupid and at least the other factions of our military were being smart and at least trying to stop the spread of std's and pregnancy, by having condoms readily available in a war zone.See part 3

  100. Part 4
    Yes, there were those that had deployment packs, that said " I dont want to know who or what , keep it away from home dont embarass me or our family , dont get pregnant or bring something home,if you choose to do something, I dont want to expect you will be faithful then arent, it would hurt too much." This does happen , there are families I know of that the husband is on one boat and the boyfirend on the other and they all live in the same house. when the husband is at sea, the boyfirend is home and visa versa. There are open marriages and there are those that what is done whiile away stays away, those who are in those situations dont advertise but you know . Military is a small community and we wiil cover and protect our own. See part 5

  101. Part5
    We can all believe this doesnt happen, but it does. I am amazed at so many who are blind and think it doesnt. If so you either have not been in the military or lived in a military town or maybe you were an officer, or officers wife, they tend to have less of this going on than the enlisted, but it does happen. So contiue to believe what you want but reality is this happens. Is it right ? That is up to the individual, the UCMJ( Unifoirm Code of Military Justice) says no, the military says no, but it does. I am sorry, but sometimes the truth is hard to swallow.

  102. As some have said, if someone wants to cheat, they will and the spouse is usually the last one to know. My husband told me that before we were married, he had deployed overseas and was actually ordered by an officer to drive his unit to a whore house so they could all get laid. When asked to go in with them, he refused and stayed in the vehicle waiting for them to finish. He said he lost respect for every one of those guys that night, especially those he knew were married. I agree that this is something the military really needs to be cracking down on.

  103. nicolebrown011012 | November 27, 2012 at 7:46 pm |

    and if both cheating are military sadly the female get the worse end of it.

  104. and this is a law that should be eradicated!

  105. Well said LaciJ

  106. Agreed, this is absurd! There is no difference from civilians that have open marriages. Some choose to, but the majority choose not to. What's the difference from a civilian male/female that has to travel a lot for their career? I've heard of some cheating, making families in other cities and some that don't. To say a cheating spouse is inevitable because your soldier is away from home at times, is just like saying any civilian that travels from home at times cheats as well. There are stereotypical views that attach themselves in every arena for example: every politician is a liar! It's irresponsible journalism that gives them life!

  107. Woow so many of you really live in walhalla land! Saying such thing as a *** pact doesn’t exist in the army is like you pretty much agreeing on Santa clause exist!!! How emberessing.. Y’all really never had a friend or conversation with ppl. In your surrender or atliest deep conversation u know the type where you actually talk with ppl. And not just surface talk and go… I say open your eyes and realize this army institution is pretty sexed up in a really ****** up way… I must say you ignorant spouses must be really walking arround blissfully thinking everything is pink and and baby blue! Venting about an article that speaks the truth and shows the the grey shades in the army… I say really just grow up alright your soldiers prob. Already cheated on you and you don’t even know!

  108. *** Pact may exist in a very small group in Norfolk as implied in Norfolk. However, growing up with a career Army father and being married to a Mrine for nine years with several deployments during our marriage, I have never heard of a *** Pact.

    As for Cheneka`s response… I agree. It’s EASY to hookup on the boat. But not ALL MEN and WOMEN are doing that. The ones who will cheat will cheat. The ones who think they are too smart to get caught will cheat. The ones who think they deserve more but are truly are not worthy of a faithful spouse will cheat. The one who is unworthy of you will cheat on you.

  109. *** Pact may exist in a very small group in Norfolk as implied in Norfolk. However, growing up with a career Army father and being married to a Mrine for nine years with several deployments during our marriage, I have never heard of a *** Pact.

    As for Cheneka`s response… I agree. It’s EASY to hookup on the boat. But not ALL MEN and WOMEN are doing that. The ones who will cheat will cheat. The ones who think they are too smart to get caught will cheat. The ones who think they deserve more but are truly are not worthy of a faithful spouse will cheat. The one who is unworthy of you will cheat on you.

  110. Can you please post my comment? Although opinionated, I do not believe it was outrageous or explicit. I want to make sure my response to her comment of "less worthy of compensation" gets out there, because that is NOT how I feel or what I meant and I want to make sure that is known.

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