Am I the only one who cancels previously scheduled family vacations when the active duty member deploys?
Alright, alright, alright … I know I will go on living and do all kinds of super-fun stuff with the kids when my husband deploys this spring; with two pre-teen boys we will have to get out of the house and trips to the mall just don’t cut it anymore. But just how much fun is appropriate to keep you and kids entertained, make the time go by faster, whatever, without seeming like you don’t give a hoot about your deployed servicemember?
Case in point: We had a cruise lined up for April with two other families and had all kinds of plans for our boys’ first time out to sea. So when this last notice of deployment didn’t go away, and briefings/vaccinations/trainings were scheduled, I realized it was time to pull the plug on the trip.
Wa-wa.
Shameful admittance … I actually gave a two second thought to going on the cruise anyway, and which of my friends should accompany the boys and me. Then I thought how the entire time we were on the vacation, I would think of my husband and how he was playing in an entirely different kind of sand and for a completely different reason. I instantly felt guilty and mentally flogged myself for even considering such foolishness. Hello … I mean, the vacation was planned as a family vacation. How insensitive could I get? What would the postcard say?
Hi, Honey! How are you?
The Caribbean is great this time of year! Thanks for setting this up for us to enjoy without you!
Wish you were here!
XOXO
Since I had entertained the thought all on my own, pray tell me why was I so flabbergasted by the cruise line agent when I called to cancel our reservation? I felt compelled to spill my guts and tell her that it would be hard to go on a family vacation when my husband would be in Afghanistan. To which she quickly inquired, “Are you sure you don’t want to go without him?”
I was speechless. When I finally found my voice and the crickets on my end of the phone fell silent, I simply replied, “Yes. Yes I am sure,” all while wondering when someone will invent a phone with button that allocates throat punches.
Did her words hit me like a slap in the face because, for a brief moment, I had asked myself the same question and was disgusted by my own audacity? Or was it because I was taken aback by her insensitivity to our situation? Or was it because maybe it is okay to continue on with family plans and I am a wuss?
Here’s what I am thinking: That we keep all “fun” planning on the down low until he is in-country, and then I can begin to periodically plan stuff on the calendar to keep it moving so the concentration isn’t all on that distant date when Daddy is scheduled to come home. This is not to keep him out of the loop, but so he doesn’t feel like we don’t care and just can’t wait for him to get out of the house so all the real fun can begin. He will want us to live, he will want us to celebrate important days, and he will want us to do anything we can so the time moves quickly on our end, but we sure don’t want to rub those family trips without him in his face.
What are your thoughts? How much fun hits the right balance during a deployment? And do you plan before the deployment begins?
About Heidi
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Perhaps this is different because of the lack of children but I disagree. For me, the only thing that gets me through a deployment or separation is extreme distraction and/or family and friend support. But also because I simply would never DO anything if I waited for my servicemember to be able to come. Ever. Perhaps we are a unique situation but my Marine does not get time off. Ever. Our wedding and our PCS. A few days for a major family event. And twice for emergency leave. So for one, if we were to get this mystical time off anyway–it would first need to be seriously considering being spent on a trip to see his family, who live a lot further from our current station, thus its a lot harder for them to get here….not going on a romantic vacation ourselves.
We have come up with our own agreement–which is essentially that I am going to still go and visit friends, have adventures, and go home for family events (money allowing), even though he (likely) would not be able to attend. We plan vacations together, and (so far) they inevitably get cancelled. If he deployed, I would seriously consider (if job and money allowed) visiting my friend in Europe and bumming around there for a month. When he went TDY I went and visited friends for a week. Oh my, the amount of criticism occurred by others (not my husband)–why wasn't I sitting at home waiting for his call? Was I still able to skype with him every night (yes)? How could I spend the money we make on a trip if he could not attend? I suppose these people wanted me to sit at home pining? I can pine from anywhere in the world. I still miss my husband if I am home with family or visiting friends or at our house on base. The only difference is whether I will be a happier, more fulfilled person or not.
I have always been a "traveler" and this has been a priority for me (seeing friends and family, spending my money on this) and this was a major issue during our engagement in which we endlessly debated how I could still be a "traveler" (which now included the actual travel to where my family lived, not just visiting friends who had scattered) while still being married to someone who often would not be able to join me, and ultimately, we decided that I would continue to travel home and visit friends if time and money allowed, even if it meant that he could not attend.
To me, everyone discusses the opportunity for deployments as a chance to stay busy, maybe go back to school, distract yourselves, better yourself, etc, etc etc. What better way to do that than by visiting friends? I will never go on a romantic Carribean cruise without my husband, but I WILL continue to visit friends and family during separations because that is how I will cope with those separations AND with being a military spouse overall, living so far away from family and friends. And he and I will continue to plan our next vacation, crossing our fingers that it will happen.
In the meantime, we try to make our weekends super fun. We are stationed in CA right now. So we will do mini vacations over three day weekends (or just a regular weekend) and people often comment that it seems like we "have a lot more fun than normal people"–and maybe that is true. But a large reason that we do that is because even if my husband is missing things like weddings or an upcoming trip to visit friends that I'm not going on solo because his leave got canceled, we can do what we can to make our life here as fun and vacation-y as possibly….even if they won't let the guy get on a plane and go anywhere!
Being a military spouse is hard enough already–I'm not going to add an extra dose of guilt on top of that for trying to remain a fulfilled and happy individual in my time away from my husband. I'm also not going to put my own life on hold just because he is gone–that will only make me more anxious and unhappy and thus make him unhappy. I know when I was on my weeklong, much needed vacation with some of our best friends during his TDY visiting old friends of both of ours, he wished he could be there….but knowing that I got that week of distraction during a major period of missing him and not being as happy makes him happy. Ultimately, however one copes to deal with deployments, separations, and overall just being married to a military member is each families own business and up to them. Finding what works for you is the most important thing.
Note: I'm sure all this will change once we have kids! :)
I agree completely. I've taken advantage of additional pay and gone on my normal family trips, such as spending Christmas in Mexico, with my husband's blessing. I've gone out with friends, gone dancing, taken small road trips, etc., with his support. I would expect him to do the same when I was gone (we're dual military), although he doesn't prefer to go out without me.
I definitely don't think it's fair to deprive yourself or cancel a planned trip due to a deployment. The entire family doesn't have to suffer, and I think most service members would want you to life and be happy. I do, however, understand where you might postpone a significant family trip, but as for that multi-family cruise, I'd still attend.
Not by much! I’m a military spouse with children and I totally agree with you! We visit with family and take trips (depending on $$ ). My husband encourages us to visit & do things to enjoy life! Most soldiers or love ones want you to love life and live it to the fullest! Including them when possible and not going to the extreme –remember depression is a form of stress and kills all the same.
I'm sure this is different for each family, but personally I think that this is so unhealthy. If you feel guilty enjoying life to the fullest and/or if your husband has any type of problem with it, then you may have bigger issues to worry about other than going on family trips without him.
Don't feel guilty about having a good time. Even the strongest and most supportive wives can benefit from having fun and blowing off steam every once in a while. It will only make you stronger for him.
I may be a new military spouse, but when my wife was in boot camp I felt bad about doing anything too entertaining. I didn't want her to feel left out when I told her I was doing x, y and z while she had barely any communication with the outside world. It may change when she gets deployed but we'll have to wait and see.
Life doesn't stop when your spouse is deployed. The kids have birthdays. You celebrate anniversaries alone. You attend school assemblies and family reunions — all alone. You also deal with the car repairs and washer explosions and mole invasions — all alone. When my spouse is deployed, I live our life. I visit family. I host our annual extended famly Christmas party. I go out on girls' night out with my friends. I also graduated college and buried a beloved family pet and lost a friend to cancer — all alone.
I would've asked him what he wanted. He gets a vote, too. Our servicemembers like to know we are okay and coping well. Besides, we know how to behave with the decorum and maturity of a married person. If a servicemember prefers their spouse to sit at home pining for them rather than have a good time, there is a bigger problem. Have fun. Live your life. Include your spouse in decisions about family vacations. Afterall, you're living your lives for the both of you when they are deployed.
Since I have personally gone on vacation without my husband I would say don't hold back. My thought at the time was that I didn't know if he would be around and I didn't want our boys missing out on a family vacation with cousins and so forth. Turned out he would only missed about three of the four days and I have zero regrets going without him! I would do it again, too!
I would not go on an expensive trip without my husband. We don't have tons of money and I wouldn't feel right about using all the money we do have for just me and the kids. I would rather save and be able to take a really nice vacation with the whole family.
Heidi, I totally understand and agree with what you are saying. Deployments are hard on both ends. Spouses at home manage the house, kids, school, work, food, laundry, AND entertainment, etc. Spouses abroad are working 12-14 hour days, living in a tent or small room, coping with limited entertainment, etc. Both are looking forward to just being together again. Would the deployed spouse not want you to have fun? Of course not. But, sure, they would love to be a part of it if they could and most deployed spouses would certainly say, "Don't let me hold you back."
I went on a cruise without my husband, not because he was deployed, but because he was not allowed to take leave. It was also a family cruise with my parents, sister, and cousins. My kids had a blast, and I had fun too; but, every time I think back to it, I regret the fact that he wasn't with us. It saddens me and I think it saddens him too. Do I think I did the right thing for my kids? Maybe? Would I do it again? No.
So here is my thought. Yes, have fun while your hubby is gone. Keep planning fun things to make the time go by faster. Stay busy and active. And yes, tell your husband how you spent the days while he is gone. As for the cruise…. I think you did the right thing. This first oceanic experience was meant to include all of you. So, don't cancel it. Postpone it.
Being a military brat and a spouse of a soldier with well over a dozen deployments and yes I have kids this is the bottom line. Life does not end when our soldiers are gone and we do have to stay busy. This is one of the biggest pieces of advice I give new spouses. That being said there are an abundance of things you can do to keep you busy while you are gone as well as your children. Including travel. That travel however does not include spending a large amount of money because I will tell ya although I know many soldiers that want their spouses to go on and live they still would like to come home with money in savings and would appreciate their spouses finding something else to do with their time than spend every dime of extra pay to entertain themselves. My husband and I have been stationed all over the country. Find local areas that are fun for kids and spend a weekend there but although a cruise would be a hard trip to give up it is something that can be rescheduled. I definitely couldn't see looking at my husband and saying, "I know we planned this together and I am sorry your going to the sandbox, but I will send pics." As far as the kids are concerned people have to give military kids more credit than what I have heard here because in most cases they are more resilient than the spouses and they will bounce back. They will be just as happy with the nearest lake or beach until daddy gets home.
As a veteran spouse of 11 deployments and a mother of 3 I see two sides to this issue. Yes you need to live your life while your husband is gone and you should not deprive your family of fun. That being said this was a scheduled FAMILY vacation. A special event that included your husband. I agree with your cancellation, but I think you used the wrong word. I think postponement is better. You are going to wait and enjoy this event with your entire family when he returns. In the mean time life goes on and you will have fun without him. Is it sad? Of course. Will you miss him? You bet. Will things have been better if he was present? Yes. But you will live life and enjoy it. It is normal to feel guilt. If you didn’t I would be concerned. He is not going away on vacation or away to have fun. To imply that you have marial issues because you cancelled your cruise is absurd and quite honestly a selfish attitude. Cherish your time now before he leaves, live life while he is gone and celebrate his return.
Bottom line: I wouldn’t want to do any “major”
trips without him just because he is my best friend. I would still live life by keeping the routine intact and continue to be the anchor for our family while attached to Jesus as my primary life line. Deployments for both active duty member and spouse + kids is a challenge. Just like the PCS move, it’s what you make of it. :-)
I read over many of the comments and I think I agree with Maggie – you should look at this as a postponement not a cancellation. You guys will need something to look forward to when dad gets back. Since I have recently been through a deployment I totally understand where you are coming from. There were even day trips that we took that I thought "dad would have so much fun here." The truth was also that the kids would have a better time at the destination if dad was there too ( you know as well as I do that different parents are better at different things). We did travel, but it was to see family and to get some of that support that the kids and I both needed. Your spouse does not want you to sit around and be bored, but I also remember the pain in his voice when I gave him all the details about how much fun we were having with his family. I guess the the answer is have fun and do what you need to do to make it through, but leave those special special family vacation for a time when the whole family can be there – we have to keep in mind that they will not be gone forever.
I think most a lot of us have that mixed emotion when our spouse is gone. I think its simply a tug on your heart. Obviously, you know how to live and have fun with your family and friends or your wouldn't have planned a Cruise with other couples. The military has afforded me the opportunity to take family vacations and I enjoy those times…I want my family to spend time together and make these memories. However, I think trips to visit family, friends, the beach, amusement park, anything minimal that won't kill our budget is fair game when my husband is gone or even just working…I think that is simply as you stated part of living. The military member should always want the spouse to be happy, so he should want to hear about the trips and the events. The crazy stories, it keeps them connected to their family and the life they are leading, so that when they return they don't feel like they have missed everything. That's the great thing about the digital age, at least now they can see pictures and Skype and truly be part of their life during some deployments. Its better to keep them connected, but I think I would always have a small amount of guilt for having fun if he was "stuck somewhere". Then again, I'm the spouse that still gets annoyed when my husband tells me what a great restaurant he just ate at while he is TDY.
Heidi,
I totally understand the desire to postpone the trip for when your husband gets back. You should do what is best for your family without regard to the opinions of others.
I tend to go the other way and plan trips for when my husband is gone. I once took the kids to Disneyworld for a week while he was in Kuwait. During another deployment, I bought season passes to an amusement park that was 2 hours away and we would often get a room at Embassy Suites and spend the weekend…because after a long day at Carowinds with three kids a mom needs a little free wine!
I know that my husband was a little bummed that he wasn't able to join us but he really wanted us to find ways to have a good time. Also, for our family, it was important to show the kids (and myself) that we could do big things even if dad wasn't around. We would plan a few things before the deployment so that the kids would have events on the calendar to count down to other then his return. Then, we tried to make sure there was something scheduled for when he got home.
I think the balance lies in finding the right place between "mourn, grieve, stop living" and "party like a rock star without regard to the feelings of our spouse." That right place is going to be different for every family.
What an interesting perspective. I love being on here and seeing what other folks think and how they survive.
While I can understand the disappointment of him not being able to go, I can't imagine spending my days waiting to live my life until he gets home. I'd also be worried about the message the kids are getting. Why make this life any harder for them? And what if he gets home from a bad deployment and doesn't want to vacation? What do you tell the kids then?
We're even looking for a jeep to replace my small car so the kids and I can take road trips across the country while he's gone. We spend every minute together like it's our last but he would think I was crazy if I cancelled plans when he wasn't here. He doesn't need to be worried about me being lonely when he's not here.
I hope you talk to your kids and include them in your decision making and best of luck for planning when he gets back.
Can the Military member have too much fun on separation? I am a male spouse and my wife got sent to Korea. Now i feel that it is pulling us apart. She hangs out all night past curfew, get drunk every weekend, and spends the night (with some friends) at a E7's house.Does Korea change some one. Her excuse is that it is military life but im jealous as hell. It went from SGT. to just the last name to a nick first name. When i bring the issue up, she gets all defensive and hangs up on me or says she does not want to talk about it. Our time on skype is becoming a minimal and im getting worried. She swears to me nothing is going on, but i have my doubts. I have explained to her numerous times how i feel about it with little to no remorse. I am a full time student so i try to stay occupied, and i know they work their ass off out there, and need to release stress, but am i wrong for drawing a line there. I would appreciate some advise and i do not want to jump the gun and leave. Is this a military standard like she claims, Or a TDY ( temporary divorce for a year). Has anyone gone through this before.
She is lying to you sorry to say. Korea is not a place for any soldier period. Ditch her ass and report her. She does not deserve you. I was always told that ranks E6 and below are not to mingle with E7. Find out who this E7 idiot is. Call the Commander if i were you.
Thanks, and i heard the same thing. My wife is an E4, This E7 is not in her chain of command. I spoke to her after i wrote this and i offered to pay for her hotel. She said that people get kidnapped from there and i was putting her in danger. Another girl stays with her there and her husband deployed with one of his friends and she trusts him. Whats so weird is that we were good before she started to hand out with them. Love notes, letters, phone sex, which by the way stopped for two months, now i'm fighting for her time. She says she does not want to be trapped in the barracks and needs to go out, but im i supposed to be alone while she parties every weekend. I should ditch her.
No you don't go out and drink when your spouse is deployed. You don't go to bars, you don't do that. you save your money and have the party when he comes home. When my Dad was gone for long periods my aunt or my grandmother would come and stay. We might go to a national park or something, but a big vacation would wait until my Dad came home. Even if he would tell us to go. My mother never thought it was right to spend his money having fun while he was gone. Especially the places he was deployed.